Can you please share the realities of assisted living centers?

Oh, Lilli, look at SNAP for Seniors
That's a site where you can see photos, and all that.
Your state will have a similar site. If you find that, you will see what I mean. There is info as to complaints, and that's a good indicator. However, someone may complain b/c they are competitors too, though it's rare because the complaint can turn into a liability for them and they don't often risk their own license to hurt another.
Anyway, some sites have more info and I pay for some sites. There are also a few others nationally, where you can search.
Get a list of 10 and drive by to see the area. Again, they say with charter and magnet schools (a concept here you may know of) that you're not sending the kids to the Neighborhood, you're sending them to the School but yes, I know the general atmosphere is important to family members and thus to the seniors.
People asked why I bothered with stainless appliances, and I wondered what they're thinking! This is a Home, where these folks will spend the rest of their days... A bit of sacrifice up front will make things pleasant for them. And I feed them shrimp - someone in the industry saw it on the menu and said it's the first time she sees it at an ALF (visiting nurse) and I asked if she feeds her mom shrimp or cooks it for the family... She said yes but you know... Well if we want it, maybe they want it too!
OK, it's high sodium so not often, but we serve pizza and beer once a month too - lite beer and a small glass, but it's fun for them and they're Adults after all, too.
It's easy to get so caught up in Medical care and pills that we forget LIFE.
Love you, girl, be kind to yourself too. Make a chart with pros & cons columns so that you can keep track on things like cleanliness, food (go at mealtimes so you can see Reality vs the menu if it's smaller places you visit) Of Course the big ones have a chef and all the equipment.
ambiance, and ask to see their scrapbook - but don't hold it against them if they don't have one. We just got around to starting ours.
It's important so that they can reminisce about the party or trip to Lion Country, and I'd neglected that bit b/c I thought of it as "record-keeping", but I see now how excited they are to see the photos change on our digital frame. Technology is wonderful - we're getting a Wii soon!
Someone said Smaller is Better, and that's my profound belief. I'd be burned out by now, trying to care This Much for 20 people or more.
Doreen

The requirement vay from state to state. AZ and CA are the two least regulated states when it comes to elder care. The home Dad is currently in provides food form the food bank, consisting mainly of hotdogs, bologna and soup. Background checks are not required, illegal immigrants provide care much of the time at rates far below minimum wage. Dad's care giver has informed me that he makes $2 per hour. They become slaves to the greedy home owners who have come to this country as immigrants, let us pay for their education, then set themselves up as Salve masters over both the care givers and the residents. Be cautious

My biggest concern with the AL. is not enough people work in them to care for the number of people living there... This is my concern with the one my mom is in now... However in La. she was in a small one and the aids (workers) couldn't be nice enough.. So like it was said before go during the evening meal and just watch... That will let you know.. However if a problem arises they will notify someone and get the help they need

Asst Living may not take your mom if she has mobility and swallowing problems. She may need to go to a larger facility that has steps. Some facilities will take in a person as a resident and then as they get worse and need more care will take them as a patient.
You may want to consider this so your mom does not have to move from facility to facility after she gets comfortable in one.
My MIL is in a facility that cost nearly $4000 for a room, meals, transportation, and a very very very small staff.
She is getting more frail and will soon have to leave that place and find a nursing home. That will be another hard adjustment for her. They charge a lot at the place she is now but do not want her once she is not easy to take care of.
Just to think about - how long will they keep her if she can't take care of herself.

The one my mom and I looked at was your room, cleaning your room and doing your laundry. Meals and snacks in the dining room. Other things were available at a charge (shower help and med help). i cannot imagine my reclusive mom in this social atmosphere, but who am I?

lgoldie
I know what you mean about the social atmosphere.
My MIL stays in her room by herself most of the time. She is slightly paranoid and seems to think someone will take her stuff so she sticks to her room a lot.
They can lock their doors, they have their own keys.

My dad is in a large nursing home which has many more functions and staff. He is social but on his terms so he has had a bad adjustment to getting along with others and not always having his way.

He is not well now and is having a hard time with the nursing home staff making him take showers, making him get dressed, making him get up for meals. I think he should have the choice most of the time but sometimes the staff pushes him into doing things he doesn't want to.

It is hard once you hand control of your LO over to someone else.

As long as your mom has her wits about her she should be okay and able to control her life.

My dad is on way too many medications so he doesn't have a lot of control over what happens to him.

I think the most successful people going into any kinds of Assisted Living or nursing care are the ones who are on NO or very few medications.
That to start with is a HUGE plus!

lgoldie,
You way "who am I?"
You may be the one who gets a phone call to "COME AND GET ME" the first time she has a run-in with the staff or another patient.

But then I am just reliving my dads first months in a living center home.
:)

I can only imagine. I know who I am...the only child who has to work and is 52 years old with depression and anxiety probs. Does anyone know how to live through this?

lgoldie,
it is hard. I have brothers and sisters but sometimes I wish I were an only child so I could just make the decisions with my dad and have it done. Now I have to deal with everything. Spend every minute thinking about my dad and if what I am doing is right then I have to spend time after time after time going over every story every problem with each brother and sister because they are too lazy to go visit dad themselves.

Sometimes I just want to run and jump in the lake so I don't have to make decisions, drive 180 miles twice a week, try getting hold of my dad on the phone and wondering why I can't, fighting with the nursing home staff about medications, and then having to repeat the stories to my worthless brother and sisters.

I take an anti-depressant and it helps some but most days I just want to stay in bed and hide. Or watch TV or read a book and forget everything else. When things are bad with my dad I hate to even hear the phone ring. Right now things are really bad with my dad and I have had to cancel 3 small vacations in a row with my husband.

Sometimes life doesnt' even seem like it is mine. I neglect my husband because I am so preoccupied with trying to make my dad's life worth living. I am just the type of person who cannot compartmentalize and get on with my life while this other life is going on.

People live to be 90 - 100 these days so I figure the next 20 years of my life are just shot. I simply cannot be happy and go about my life while my dad is miserable. My brothers and sisters can.... but then they all have such dramatic lives that they keep themselves occupied.

i wish I had NEVER retired early. I should have kept working so I would have had an excuse not to get so involved and invested in my dad's care. I also am in my early 50s and my parents and in-law are only in their 70s and already are needing help big time.

Sorry, I know my advice sucks.... it isn't really advice,,, just want to let you know I know how you might be feeling.

I am getting through it. Some days are just fine. Today is just a bad day.

No, I totally get it. My mom lives on the next block, has had a stroke, is having migraines (60 year sufferer). I have been trying to "fix" her all my life in some way or another. She can be controlling and obscessive. My alcoholic brother drank himself to death at age 50 5 years ago. thanks alot. I feel guilty when I think that my mom has no quality of life and..... she wants to go to heaven to be with my dad. We are very close but honestly at my age and with menopause I am not handling this crap well at all. I am happy to go back to work on Mon, I think.......

Mom is wanting to live out of state.... thing to consider is how will you be able to assist if she becomes ill. Will you be able to get to her quickly and how long can you stay. Most AL have CNA/HHA that will assist in personal care, RN or LVN to give manage medications, transportation, will not schedule appointment, which will have to be done by someone. When a person is needing 24 hr care family will need to hire caregiver/family member to stay with them.

hosa: that is the very thing that I am trying to impart to her. I keep asking her, "who is going to do all the things we do for you now?" She seems to think that "assisted" means that there will be all these kind people catering to her every need, 24/7
The reason I moved her across the country to be here is that no one at HOME was willing to help her out on a regular basis and her health and mental state were declining rapidly. I know that if she goes back, it will be more of the same even IF she is in an ALF.
This has been the battle of our lives: realism vs. fantasy...she can live in fantasy land because I do all the "real" stuff for her. I can logically point out all the advantages to staying here, but the next time I see her I hear the same old patter. Now I just ignore it and do what I think is best.
She may be suffering from short bouts of depression, but who doesn't. I am overwhelmed right now so it would be really nice if she would just relax and enjoy the good health that she has. Don't think that is too much to ask....
thanks for your input,
Lilli

Sounds like you are thinking of yourself not her....

I know that it's hard to accept that our parents don't always make wise choices (and neither do we). That being said, unless she is incompetent, a danger to herself or others it would seem that she still maintains her right to make decisions for herself. She may like where she goes, she may not. Either way it's not a situation that can't be changed. I understand that you will worry about her if you aren't around to help her out but she is still an adult.

Brutus - while I don't agree that Lilliput is thinking just of herself, my question (to anyone) is why is that bad? This may sound awful, but sometimes it seems like caregivers - spouses, kids, etc. - are encouraged to think of everyone *except* themselves. Everyone has a life and that life should be worth living. Just because you are now caring for someone else doesn't mean your life should end.

In this situation that so many of us find ourselves in, I think that the needs of all parties should be acknowledged and considered. True, many times the caregiver's needs cannot be met, but at least figure out what they are and think about what can be done.

Compromises should be made by everyone. The person who needs the care shouldn't get everything their way just because of the situation they are in. No one should.

In case anyone wonders - I'm caregiver (with my brother) for my 63-year-old Mom with Stage 5/6 Alz. She and my brother both moved into my home a year ago and it has been very hard on me. I work all day and then go home and deal with everything there.

By the time I get home, bro needs a break, although he is really good if I come home late or go out with friends. (I'm very lucky there.) For the most part, Mom gets whatever food she wants (within reason), chooses TV shows, decides if she wants to take a walk or stay home, etc.

Now Mom has started going to adult day care 2X per week. She doesn't like it and wants to quit. We still insist she goes and gives it a fair chance. This is her compromise for us.

Bobbi: my living with her decisions is a little more complicated than you may realize. She makes these decisions, sets them in motion (sometimes without telling me), and then when things do not turn out to her liking, I am called in to clean up the mess. How do I know this you may ask? Because, in the past, everytime she had a surgery, fall, or needed to recuperate from an illness, I left my job and flew 2000 miles to stay with her - not my sib who lives in the same state. These people that she imagines are there for her are the very ones who turned the other way whenever she needed their help (the same ones she helped when they were ill). Everyone in her hometown could see that she was declining and did NOTHING to help her. That is why I asked her to move across country to be near us. If I just said, "oh well, she's and adult and can make her own decisions," she would not be here today. If she goes to that "magical" ALF...I give it 6mos before I am on a plane to help her move back.
Perhaps a better question to ask is "why should someone have to shoulder this responsiblity alone when the have a perfectly healthy sib sitting at home who does absolutely nothing to help." Strangely my sib is never criticized.
Brut: I have been my mother's sole caregiver for nearly three years...and many years before that when she lived in her home state. In addition to all the glories of caregiving, my hub just lost his job, we are trying to prep our home to sell in a depressed market, I am trying to hold on to my full-time job, and I am sure that we will have to move within the next six months. If I think of myself at all it is to save my health and sanity so I can help her. Please think through your comments before you post. thanks.
Lilli

sorry I guess everyones situation is different... I am the sole caregiver.. No sibblings... Now I find myself in a situation I can't get out of .... going to visit everyday... It may be appreciated but she doesn't even remember I've been there. More than that she is jealous if I visit with the others that live at the ALF.. I do enjoy being with my Mom ,,,, but Like you I need some space too.. wish you the best... Guess the best advice is to Pray about it..

Lili, I apolagize if you took offense to my post. I do understand as I am the daughter of an ailing mother who has two sons living in the home with her yet I am the one who gets the emergency calls (she lives in Maryland, I in Virginia 3 hrs away). One thing that I have learned along the way is that 1. As long as others know that we will step in to clean up the mess, they will continue to let us do so. 2. As much as we love our parents, we can only play the role of caretaker but for so long before we, our families and our lives suffer. It is difficult always being looked at as the dependable one. I know that my brothers have the attitude of that's all right, we know that Bobbi will fix everything. Have you asked your sib why it is they're not stepping in? What would happen if you notified your sib that you're at your breaking point, you have your own crisis to deal with and you can't do it anymore (just curious). It sounds like you have a lot on your plate right now. Having your husband loose his job and possibly you loosing your home is devestating. I guess only you know where your breaking point is. I will keep you in my prayers. Again, my heartfelt apology.

For the most part, I love the Assisted Living Facility where my mom now lives. The staff is wonderful and she can roam around in safety. It costs $2,900 per month and that includes laundry, cable, utilities,3 meals and 2 snacks (plus drinks, toast, cereal, and soup whenever they like it), dispensing of meds, transportation to Dr appointments (if I'm unavailable), housekeeping, manicures, karaoke, Trivia, painting, crafts, etc. The things she has to pay extra for are some activities that are off-premises such as concerts, shopping, etc. They have an account for her that I add to each month. When they shop she can use money from this account and we are given receipts. Same with outings like restaurants, and concerts. She also has to pay for her own phone.

My Mom misses her home, but she is getting adjusted to AL. The one thing she always mentions is just how SAFE she feels there. I drop by at all hours and sometimes eat with my mom in the dining room. I've observed the staff and they are incredibly kind and patient. I enjoy visiting Mom there and she enjoys a sense of independence. For our family, it was the best decision for all of us. I can see Mom whenever I like, take her shopping or out to lunch, but when my husband and I take a trip I know that she is well cared for and happy. I did a lot of research when looking for an AL facility for her. I talked to many the residents because they would be the first to complain. Everything I heard was positive except for a few who weren't wild about all of the meals (that's to be expected I suppose). I feel that AL is a bargain when you consider all of the services and comforts they provide. I took my mom there several times for visits before she actually moved in and that made the transition easier. I also brought many of her things from home which was also a help. Mom calls the place "The Hotel" and that's the feeling you get when you're there. It's clean, nicely furnished, spacious, and has a soothing color scheme. If you can find the right AL, it can be the best thing for everyone!

Forgot to add--
JulieWI--- BRAVO!! I agree with you entirely! Well said!

Lilliput--My mom is a lot like yours and I ended up moving her to AL (near me) 900 miles from her hometown because there was no one left to help (including my sister who lived 3 hours away). There was always drama and I have racked up a lot of frequent flyer miles. Finally, it came down to her Dr wanting her placed into a nursing home, so that motivated her to move her to AL here (they did not have AL where she lived). Even with her Alz. she was able to make a choice--Nursing Home or AL. For her, it ended up being a an easy decision by then, and she finally came back with me permantly.

Even with all the care that my mom gets at her place, I know she'd be miserable if she was "back home" even if they had AL. Her friends are dying or sick, but she still idealizes it. She's beginning to admit that she needs me to handle many of the things that AL does not. I hope you get things settled once and for all because the upheaval was a huge drain for me. Having her here is simple, but having her back home, 900 miles away, would be the same nightmare it was for the last few years. Good luck.