Can you please share the realities of assisted living centers? - AgingCare.com

Can you please share the realities of assisted living centers?

Follow
Share

Mom says that she wants to move into an assisted living center back in her home state.
She has mobility, heart, and swallowing issues. My understanding is that meals are not served in rooms or it costs extra. Mom would not be interested in the amenities such as an exercise room etc. Also how to residents get to doctor's appts., go shopping, or pick up prescriptions? Mom seems to think all these things would be taken care of for her. But, from what I have read, you are basically paying for an expensive apartment with some 24hr assistance.
Could someone give me the straight story? thanks.
Lilli

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
51

Answers

Show:
1 2 3 4 5
Forgot to add--
JulieWI--- BRAVO!! I agree with you entirely! Well said!

Lilliput--My mom is a lot like yours and I ended up moving her to AL (near me) 900 miles from her hometown because there was no one left to help (including my sister who lived 3 hours away). There was always drama and I have racked up a lot of frequent flyer miles. Finally, it came down to her Dr wanting her placed into a nursing home, so that motivated her to move her to AL here (they did not have AL where she lived). Even with her Alz. she was able to make a choice--Nursing Home or AL. For her, it ended up being a an easy decision by then, and she finally came back with me permantly.

Even with all the care that my mom gets at her place, I know she'd be miserable if she was "back home" even if they had AL. Her friends are dying or sick, but she still idealizes it. She's beginning to admit that she needs me to handle many of the things that AL does not. I hope you get things settled once and for all because the upheaval was a huge drain for me. Having her here is simple, but having her back home, 900 miles away, would be the same nightmare it was for the last few years. Good luck.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

For the most part, I love the Assisted Living Facility where my mom now lives. The staff is wonderful and she can roam around in safety. It costs $2,900 per month and that includes laundry, cable, utilities,3 meals and 2 snacks (plus drinks, toast, cereal, and soup whenever they like it), dispensing of meds, transportation to Dr appointments (if I'm unavailable), housekeeping, manicures, karaoke, Trivia, painting, crafts, etc. The things she has to pay extra for are some activities that are off-premises such as concerts, shopping, etc. They have an account for her that I add to each month. When they shop she can use money from this account and we are given receipts. Same with outings like restaurants, and concerts. She also has to pay for her own phone.

My Mom misses her home, but she is getting adjusted to AL. The one thing she always mentions is just how SAFE she feels there. I drop by at all hours and sometimes eat with my mom in the dining room. I've observed the staff and they are incredibly kind and patient. I enjoy visiting Mom there and she enjoys a sense of independence. For our family, it was the best decision for all of us. I can see Mom whenever I like, take her shopping or out to lunch, but when my husband and I take a trip I know that she is well cared for and happy. I did a lot of research when looking for an AL facility for her. I talked to many the residents because they would be the first to complain. Everything I heard was positive except for a few who weren't wild about all of the meals (that's to be expected I suppose). I feel that AL is a bargain when you consider all of the services and comforts they provide. I took my mom there several times for visits before she actually moved in and that made the transition easier. I also brought many of her things from home which was also a help. Mom calls the place "The Hotel" and that's the feeling you get when you're there. It's clean, nicely furnished, spacious, and has a soothing color scheme. If you can find the right AL, it can be the best thing for everyone!
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

Lili, I apolagize if you took offense to my post. I do understand as I am the daughter of an ailing mother who has two sons living in the home with her yet I am the one who gets the emergency calls (she lives in Maryland, I in Virginia 3 hrs away). One thing that I have learned along the way is that 1. As long as others know that we will step in to clean up the mess, they will continue to let us do so. 2. As much as we love our parents, we can only play the role of caretaker but for so long before we, our families and our lives suffer. It is difficult always being looked at as the dependable one. I know that my brothers have the attitude of that's all right, we know that Bobbi will fix everything. Have you asked your sib why it is they're not stepping in? What would happen if you notified your sib that you're at your breaking point, you have your own crisis to deal with and you can't do it anymore (just curious). It sounds like you have a lot on your plate right now. Having your husband loose his job and possibly you loosing your home is devestating. I guess only you know where your breaking point is. I will keep you in my prayers. Again, my heartfelt apology.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

sorry I guess everyones situation is different... I am the sole caregiver.. No sibblings... Now I find myself in a situation I can't get out of .... going to visit everyday... It may be appreciated but she doesn't even remember I've been there. More than that she is jealous if I visit with the others that live at the ALF.. I do enjoy being with my Mom ,,,, but Like you I need some space too.. wish you the best... Guess the best advice is to Pray about it..
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

Bobbi: my living with her decisions is a little more complicated than you may realize. She makes these decisions, sets them in motion (sometimes without telling me), and then when things do not turn out to her liking, I am called in to clean up the mess. How do I know this you may ask? Because, in the past, everytime she had a surgery, fall, or needed to recuperate from an illness, I left my job and flew 2000 miles to stay with her - not my sib who lives in the same state. These people that she imagines are there for her are the very ones who turned the other way whenever she needed their help (the same ones she helped when they were ill). Everyone in her hometown could see that she was declining and did NOTHING to help her. That is why I asked her to move across country to be near us. If I just said, "oh well, she's and adult and can make her own decisions," she would not be here today. If she goes to that "magical" ALF...I give it 6mos before I am on a plane to help her move back.
Perhaps a better question to ask is "why should someone have to shoulder this responsiblity alone when the have a perfectly healthy sib sitting at home who does absolutely nothing to help." Strangely my sib is never criticized.
Brut: I have been my mother's sole caregiver for nearly three years...and many years before that when she lived in her home state. In addition to all the glories of caregiving, my hub just lost his job, we are trying to prep our home to sell in a depressed market, I am trying to hold on to my full-time job, and I am sure that we will have to move within the next six months. If I think of myself at all it is to save my health and sanity so I can help her. Please think through your comments before you post. thanks.
Lilli
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

Brutus - while I don't agree that Lilliput is thinking just of herself, my question (to anyone) is why is that bad? This may sound awful, but sometimes it seems like caregivers - spouses, kids, etc. - are encouraged to think of everyone *except* themselves. Everyone has a life and that life should be worth living. Just because you are now caring for someone else doesn't mean your life should end.

In this situation that so many of us find ourselves in, I think that the needs of all parties should be acknowledged and considered. True, many times the caregiver's needs cannot be met, but at least figure out what they are and think about what can be done.

Compromises should be made by everyone. The person who needs the care shouldn't get everything their way just because of the situation they are in. No one should.

In case anyone wonders - I'm caregiver (with my brother) for my 63-year-old Mom with Stage 5/6 Alz. She and my brother both moved into my home a year ago and it has been very hard on me. I work all day and then go home and deal with everything there.

By the time I get home, bro needs a break, although he is really good if I come home late or go out with friends. (I'm very lucky there.) For the most part, Mom gets whatever food she wants (within reason), chooses TV shows, decides if she wants to take a walk or stay home, etc.

Now Mom has started going to adult day care 2X per week. She doesn't like it and wants to quit. We still insist she goes and gives it a fair chance. This is her compromise for us.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

I know that it's hard to accept that our parents don't always make wise choices (and neither do we). That being said, unless she is incompetent, a danger to herself or others it would seem that she still maintains her right to make decisions for herself. She may like where she goes, she may not. Either way it's not a situation that can't be changed. I understand that you will worry about her if you aren't around to help her out but she is still an adult.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

Sounds like you are thinking of yourself not her....
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

hosa: that is the very thing that I am trying to impart to her. I keep asking her, "who is going to do all the things we do for you now?" She seems to think that "assisted" means that there will be all these kind people catering to her every need, 24/7
The reason I moved her across the country to be here is that no one at HOME was willing to help her out on a regular basis and her health and mental state were declining rapidly. I know that if she goes back, it will be more of the same even IF she is in an ALF.
This has been the battle of our lives: realism vs. fantasy...she can live in fantasy land because I do all the "real" stuff for her. I can logically point out all the advantages to staying here, but the next time I see her I hear the same old patter. Now I just ignore it and do what I think is best.
She may be suffering from short bouts of depression, but who doesn't. I am overwhelmed right now so it would be really nice if she would just relax and enjoy the good health that she has. Don't think that is too much to ask....
thanks for your input,
Lilli
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

Mom is wanting to live out of state.... thing to consider is how will you be able to assist if she becomes ill. Will you be able to get to her quickly and how long can you stay. Most AL have CNA/HHA that will assist in personal care, RN or LVN to give manage medications, transportation, will not schedule appointment, which will have to be done by someone. When a person is needing 24 hr care family will need to hire caregiver/family member to stay with them.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

1 2 3 4 5
This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Related
Questions