Ready to present the idea of Assisted Living but... - AgingCare.com

Ready to present the idea of Assisted Living but...

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Im ready to discuss with my siblings the idea of Assisted Living for our father. I know it will not go over well but Ive had it. In his case, he is not in bad physical health. he cannot live by himself but he does not need constant care. The main problem is that he doesnt LISTEN and it effects everything. He doesnt listen especially when it comes to business matters. He wants repairs done and allows himself to get talked into paying much more than he should..then he claims he doesnt remember asking for that and blames me for it or swears hes being scammed. Today he tried to imply that my 14 year old took out a card in his name. Even though I called the Department store to verify when the card was opened and that he walked into the store two years ago and opened the account, he kept insisting it was a scam or identity theft.


He wastes alot of money on MAIL SCAMS. We tell him not to answer those types of calls, not to send money in order to get money..but he doesnt listen. He spends most of the day flrting with the HHA or loudly bragging about my sister within earshot of me. He is completely aware of what he is doing. Im mentally and physically worn out and Ive only been living back home since May. In my mind these are reasons why Dad should be in Assisted Living, but I do not think my siblings will agree. I do want to move but with the winter upon us, I think I will be stuck here for at least a couple of more months. Every day is a battle. I dont blame his behavior on any type of memory loss. He is just a bitter, angry old man..

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Poor decision making with regard to finances is a classic sign of dementia. It took a LOT of fighting, pleading, persuading to get my dad to hand over the reigns for his finances. By that time, all of his money was gone, he was in debt, and paying up to $300 in overdraft charges each month.
Word to the wise...if your father has any assets worth protecting (that will be needed for him to have choices in his future care!), take him to see an elder law attorney now. Approach the subject carefully so he doesn't dig in his heels. Since he seems to have the feeling he's being scammed (even when it's his own doing), you could use that as a reason - to get an attorney's advice on how to protect his money from scammers. There are special credit cards now tailored for the elderly that would help control his spending.
This is top priority. Once that's nailed down, you can tackle getting him into senior living.
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Wow you do have a lot going on unfortunately there is going to be more going on down the road. You cannot move someone into assisted living who does not want to go. You would have to have POA and that itself is a process if you do not have support. It sounds like your Dad would not be found incompetent by the courts because he does have a right to waste his money. If I was in your situation I would get out of there. I realize this is easier said than done but from your brief description I can just imagine what is going to happen when the dementia gets worse. Save yourself now !
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You can see the situation is not healthy, so yes, suggest AL. You will get backlash, for sure. It's not that he is not listening, but struggling to maintain independence, and fearful of the future. Perhaps the best advice on how to approach the subject would come from the prospective facility. Get him to go on a tour or take him to see a friend who is already in AL. If someone he knows is living there and likes it, he will see it in a different light.
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I agree with Blannie. You need to find someplace else to live. You, or one of your siblings needs to get him assessed by a geriatric doc or neurologist with expertise in dementia. This sure sounds like the beginnings of it to me.
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I see two different things going on. First is whether your dad can continue to live at home or not. Putting him into assisted living will not stop your dad from wasting money on mail scams. It would stop him from spending too much on fixing his house. I'm assuming that none of you kids have has POA for property, where you could manage his accounts? If he doesn't have dementia, he's got the right to waste his money as he sees fit. It's frustrating as all get out, because he'll probably need that money for his own care.

But I think the real issue is that YOU need to move out and find somewhere else to live, so that you're not totally burned out, whatever happens with your father. Getting him help at home would probably be cheaper than assisted living, but if no other sibling will step in and he doesn't have the money, then you'll have to figure out what to do. But that is really separate and apart from your need to get out of his house. So whatever your siblings say about whether your dad needs assisted living or not, YOU need to find a different place to live. Share the burden of taking care of your father.
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