I am ready to leave my husband. He is so abusive towards me I am the only who cares for him. - AgingCare.com

I am ready to leave my husband. He is so abusive towards me I am the only who cares for him.

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I bring to dialysis doctor appointments cook clean house and all he does is screaming at me for hours sometimes all night so I don't get any sleep he calls me the devil and Iam abusing him he can't walk I do every thing but it not enough Iam at the end of my rope I think he's trying to break me or something have to get away but I don't want to leave him cause I know he can't do anything for his self but what about me I can't keep going on like this my chest hurts Iam tired from no sleep just tired of all the screaming and belittling and he can't see what he doing to me I think he really don't care need some advice

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Burnout64 - Please be gentle with yourself. You deserve to have a life. The treatment you describe would be unbearable for anyone. Please ask one of his doctor's for help. If they won't help you, you need to reach out to a social worker or bureau of aging in your area. The cause of his mean treatment does not matter given the effect it is having on your mental health. Please know that many here have told stories of the caregiver getting seriously ill and the loved one moves on to assisted living or pays for outside help. You are important. You matter. You deserve joy. You really do.
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It may relieve you to arrange regular medical transportation to dialysis, maybe if the doctor orders this, insurance may cover it.

Be sure to be ready and leave the house whenever the caregivers do come to give him baths.

Ask his doctor to Rx some more caregiver hours. No one person can be responsible for this level of care.
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Try this to see if he can control his outbursts: When he starts, or this behavior is predicted, have a code word, call (secretly) a friend or family member to show up at the door, unannounced to him.
Second, open all the windows and doors so the neighbors can hear.

What will this accomplish, you ask?
1) You will be able to determine his ability to self-control or if he cannot help it due to illness. Then, you can choose to place him if he can no longer control himself, or, you can lay down the law to say you won't take it anymore, that he is not your drill sergeant, and he better shape up, cause you need a man.
2) The neighbors will hear this as abuse and call 911 for your protection.
3) If YOU know there is someone coming, or someone listening to the tirade, you yourself will become more confident and aware of how to control your response to him, this may change the dynamic between the two of you, and force a change, at least temporarily.
4) It is not abandonment if you go outside away from this behavior, until he stops. Sit in the garden, or in the car.
5) When you are ready, you can be thinking clearly if you must leave, because you don't deserve this treatment.
6) Pack a bag for an emergency.

So sad that you are going through this. Hugs!

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So agree - he needs to be in a facility and it is time to look after you. You have suffered too much abuse already.
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His veterans benefits and medicaid if needed will look after him, it is time to look after yourself as well. Maybe once he is placed in a facility you will be able to work toward repairing your relationship (if you want to).
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Will start to get help cause things are not getting better they are worse just don't want to leave him by his self cause can't do nothing for his self but he's draining emotionally and I just can't take it anymore he belittle me for five hours this morning calling vile names just because I didn't heard him when he call me this morning it was one am so fussing until five am and then I had to dress him for dialysis cause he has to be there for seven am the doctor at the dialysis place said to bring him to the va hospital so will check with them tomorrow when I bring for his appointment I have a daughter I can go live with Iam to the point I would clean bathrooms for money just to get away but I feel guilty about wanting to leave him and he's disabled
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Good, talk to the doctor at the clinic. Ask what would happen if you refused to bring him home after dialysis. Don't let them bully you into it, nobody can be forced to be a caregiver or has to continue to live with an abuser. Maybe get some advice from the local women's shelter before you go, if anyone knows how to protect your rights they do.
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Thanks for the advice he was in the army for 25 years and ptsd also he had a heart attach ten years ago he can't walk without help tried to get home health to help but they only come to bathe him and he won't let them do that and he has ran his family away by being mean will ask his doctor Thursday when I bring him to dialysis
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Call 911 and when they take him - explain his behaviors so they do an evaluation and medicate him. You don't have to take this. Once they understand what is happening with him - you can make decisions on where he lives, where you live, etc.
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Is there a way you can have him placed somewhere or pay someone else to be his caregiver? Your life is important. Caregiving is a good thing to do, but not to the point that it robs all the joy from your own life. What you describe is intolerable and you need to throw yourself a life line. Talk to someone about what is available for your husband. You need help with him and you don't deserve to be treated like this, even if it isn't his fault.
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