Are there are others out there who are raising kids and parents?

DonnaNC Those are some great suggestions you give in your post. Sorry for your loss of your dad....

I have 2 kids, now 15 and 12. My mother passed away in 2008. I have been looking after my very active father since then. I moved my family 3 doors down from him to make the job easier, which it did in many ways. My dad passed away unexpectedly last week so my caregiving journey has come to an end.

Figure out what you can realistically do. Realize that your parent may have some unreasonable expectations in regards to how their life is going to change. And it is going to change whether they like it or not. Do what you can but when you need a break, take it. Don't be afraid to hire help for some things. Eat out or have take out a little more often for yourself. Use lists to help you remember medicines, doctor's names and numbers, etc.. I finally made a binder of all the important stuff.

I did have to draw the line at cleaning dad's house all the time. At 72, he was capable of doing that himself and chose to do very little. He had the time to do it everyday. I didn't. I welcomed him to come over and eat with us every night. He did 3-5 times a week, which was nice. I went to the important doctor's appointments but left basic checkups to him.  I bought him a pill organizer to help him with medicines. I put most of his bills on auto pay. I reordered his medicines online. I kept a list of all his passwords as a draft email in my email, that I could access from anywhere.

You won't be able to do it all. Adjust your expectations. Figure out what's realistic. Your child comes first, period.

Not everyone can care for a parent at home. I don't know why people assume this. Not everyone can managing the lifting and turning, for one thing.

I with you all.. I wish I could be traveling, but I am responsible for my 86 year old mom. She is in an AL, but i feel i need to be on the facility constantly to do what we are paying them for. Thankfully my kid is in her early 20s but she is in school full time and also has a job.. there are times I just want to get on a plane to someplace tropical and never come back... but I was raised to handle my responsibilities...
To those of you with young kids, You HAVE to draw the line on caring for your parents..before you miss your kids growing up..  get in home help or find a facility near you that can help..

I raised 4 children while caring for my mother through Stomach and Colon Cancer. I cared for my father through heart disease, coal miners lung disease, kidney disease, hypertension, high colesteral, and type 2 diabetes and arthritis pain in his neck and shoulders. My children had to learn at an early age that sometimes they could not be #1. I could not see all the soccer games they played in or participate in teacher parent conferences. I promised them that I would do whatever I could.
They would have to learn sacrifice quickly because grandparents sacrifice so much. Things that they might want to do for themselves---they put it on the back burner so they will have time and funds to be there, but never cause anyone a financial strain or be a burden on their own children or their grandchildren. It takes a very special person to put their life on hold to make sure that the elders in their life have a happy and fulfilled life. The elders in our lives already realize that seniors who end up in a nursing home are in for loneliness. They know that the nurses and PSW's are worked to the max. Their families feel great about their decision because they think that their loved one(s) are being taken care of 24/7. The truth of the matter is that the staff of any good nursing home are stretched to the limit. The staff take special care for the seniors who have constant visits. Ask your parent what THEY want. If they want to stay at home with a live-in caregiver, for GOD'S sake make sure it happens. The Number#1 solution should always be in their best interests to spend THEIR OWN life savings the way they desire. This decision should never consider the financial gain and position of any of the children's financial problems and debts. Elder parents should always be able to live the last years of their life in anyway they chose.(Assuming that sufficient funds are completely available) Please let our elders live out their last years in the way that they want to. Don't put them in a position where they are being imprisoned for crimes that they never committed. Nursing homes have a huge problem with shortage of staff and the horror stories we hear are completely true. We should as children make sure that we give our parents the best care possible. It is a shame that the majority of siblings are only thinking of cashing in the most money out of their parent's estate. They put the "money" in front of and on top of the funds that they will aquire after the death of both of their parents. This attitude should not be allowed. My parents deserve to spend their own money.  The sibling who cares for their parents need to be paid for the years sacrificed to keep their parents out of nursing homes.  Before you move in to their home CALL A LAWYER and not just any lawyer, call one who specializes in estate and trusts and dependant claims.  I have spent almost 3 years and went through 2 lawyers to get compensation for my 23 years.  I have finally retained the right lawyer and guess what?  The will can't stand up to what is legally mine.  I will probably get more of the house than I thought I would----because I deserve it and worked for it.

Nope! I'm kind of glad after following multiple threads and hearing the nightmare stories that occur between elders and grown kids, and how kids fight over money and assets when the elder dies. I'm all for leaving your own flesh and blood and inheritance, but only if it's set up the right way and especially more so if the elder previously abused their own kids and didn't provide for them and they became a ward of the state and in some situations their last struggling in ruin from past abuse, and they happen to be living in poverty. I frown on rich people abusing their kids and the kids final outcome is poverty due to the rich parents greed.
Taking on the role of parent and caregiver is a huge responsibility I never had much desire for, and it definitely has its advantages, more than some people realize. Some of those advantages include not having stuff broken, (I have much china and depression glass), your bed bounced on, (my Tempur-pedic bed is not a trampoline) having to chase down younger kids, missing stuff, messy rooms and worse yet, the arguments and finally the fights with teens. Another one is the abandonment of the grown kids who often want nothing to do with mom and dad and especially when grandkids come along. All too often, grandparents must fight for a grandparent rights through the very expensive court system, draining their life savings. Yep, I'm glad for what I'm missing and missed out on. Long ago I opted for a stress free life, I don't want the gray hairs that stress can give you, and worse yet above all this is having to care for aging parents not knowing whether or not the caregiver will be good, bad, or downright ugly. Putting myself in the shoes of an elder, I don't want to be at someone else's mercy. 

Another thing I really wouldn't want is someone mooching off of me and draining me dry. I recently had someone I thought was a friend try to get money from me but since my income is very tight and limited with only a small SSI check, I had to remind him that I don't lend money and how small my SSI check is. I told him I can't afford to hand out money when I'm the one who needs it. I can't afford to risk money I may never see again especially when I am entitled to the SSI money and he's not entitled to it. I told him it's barely enough for me to squeak by and he doesn't realize how tough it is for me. He claims despite him working, he doesn't make much either, but I explained  the difference between our situations is that he works and I don't. He can easily go out and make more money. I further explained he don't know what it's like to live on a fixed income, and if he did he wouldn't be able to afford loans either. Needless to say, that's the last thing I ever heard from him. I understand he needed the money for something he needs, but I'm not the person able to provide that, and he should get the money from his drunken wife that he was working on reconciling with. After all, she probably spends all of her money on booze, but if he intends to reconcile with her, he can consider getting a hold of some of that money if he really needs it. Finally, it's odd how I only heard from him if I was paying for or contributing money for pizza night. I don't like the kind of relationship where you practically have to chase them down. I've had enough of that kind of thing and it's a good thing things unfolded the way they did because I have better relationships in its place

Good article out there relative to role reversal, parenting your parents - whatever you want to call it... perfect for those of us who are raising both... in some ways... children and elderly are same.. in some ways, they are not. Both want their independence! So do their caregivers!

Your very welcome. Hugs and prayers to all.

Thanks, KSue for the hug! It is so hard to balance it all during this busiest season of all.. it is hard to balance it all period. Praying that the peace will surround all who read this!

Smile - I am praying for you!

Merry Christmas to all.

Happy Holidays to all of you! Tis the season of reflection and connection. Cling to what is important - your little box of a family- and remember the real reason for the season... remember the humble manger...remember His death on the cross. FOCUS!
Sometimes easier said than done with all the hustle and bustle of the holiday, the commercialization, and the fact that we are caregivers as well. My thoughts and prayers go out to all of you who have lost loved ones this year or are dealing with the impending loss of a loved one. It has been 3 years since I lost my mom and I still miss her terribly and deal with many issues unresolved - a rollercoaster of emotions. I am there with you and so grateful to have my Caregiver Connections in my lives! I have missed the postings lately, but life has been rather crazy busy! God bless us everyone!

Thank you, SecretSister. Thank you Thank you Thank you. I wish strength, patience, calmness, peace, and self love to all you wonderful caregivers out there.

Gigglebox Thank you for reminding what is really important and God is in charge and does things in his time not ours-it is nice to have you back it srill seems strange to me to be making all the decisions my self- tomarrow will be 5 months since he left here to go be with God .

Guilt? (For doing the best you can with limited resources and reserves...) Heaven's, not sure that's a proper response. I hearby award you Mommola Extroidinaire/Caregiver Par Excellance! Sounds like you're doing an amazing job. Bet you're tired, though... Hope your Thanksgiving is a blessed one.

I think there are a lot of us, and unfortunately society in general doesn't prepare or support us in any meaningful way. This economy adds to the difficulties - I've had to take on a second job. So now we're all pulled in so many directions; I personally feel like I no longer have the time or energy to take care of any of my responsibilities properly - just running around putting out fires. And the guilt...

Bless you, too, my Secret Sister. We gotta try to keep positive b/c there is enough negativeness around us!

Dear Gigglebox, that was a sweet message! Thank you. Missed you, too. So happy to hear you had a good time with your dad, and something to be thankful for there. Thanks for the reminder that peace and joy come from God. Bless you! :)

Cow jokes, picking friends, lifting weights... I have missed a lot since I have gone - I have missed ya'll terribly, too. I did have a nice Thanksgiving dinner at the nursing home with my dad on Thursday and a good visit with him and his roommate.. Their both saying THANKS made my day - don't get that very often... also, my dad broke down and cried when I told him of my hubby's diabetes diagnosis - then he said, YOU GUYS HAVE HAD IT ROUGH - including taking care of me... so HE was feeling like the burden for once?

Peace and joy cannot be bought with money - it only comes from God. We have so much to be thankful for. I am so very thankful to have found this group of friends with whom we can joke, laugh and cry. You have blessed my life!

We have to live, learn, pray and press on! We have to be nice when we don't want to or feel like it. We have to put our faith over our feelings. We all have our burdens to bear - and that's why we are here to share them!

May God bless you today!

Yep,

I'd rather live happy with my wife and have our children actually want to visit us after they finish college and live in a shack, than live in a mansion with one certain relative whose Darth Vader like Personality Disorder Darkness caused my wife a lifetime of pain, over 11 years of therapy, an uncountable number of hospital visits, and a lot of medications, plus the damage the rest of us endured until I stood up and said enough!!!! 7 years ago. Maybe my weight going from 160 in 1988 to 250 in 2009 is a symptom of what I've lived, if you want to call it live, through because of "that woman" and my being just too nice.

Can't buy peace and joy with any amoung of money. Better safe than sorry.

Jennifer,

Have you and your husband sat down and talked about how you feel about having his mother in your house right when you were looking forward to ya'll being a totally by yourselves couple once again!?

Most people with knee replacements are far more mobile, if they follow through with PT, after their surgery. Others, just give up and complain about how stiff they are.

I think this current situation needs a re-evaluation of realistic needs, options for meeting those needs, and boundaries within which those can actually be done which might could use some outside help in doing such. I have some relatives that even if I had a whole heep of money, my own mental well being as well as my wife's along with the boys would be in jeopardy for them to get moved into this house. This person that I have in mind has a lot of money and still, the would not buy their way in.

You may not appreciate this humor, but it just occured to me, that we can call this, not udder, but 'mother failure.' My own family not excluded. Not funny, though, is it? Poor us and poor them. Thank God for the success stories. Caregiving is not always lovely. Thank God we can pick our friends.

Place her in a home where she can get good care for a month or 2 and give yourself a rest. We all need a break!!!

I'm with you! I am going to do everything I can to avoid burdening my children. Raising children and caring for an elderly person is hard on the kids, your marriage and your health. I only have one child left at home and was looking forward to having MY time with my husband and now we have his mother. I have felt uncomfortable in my own home for three years with her there and don't know what to do anymore.

That was udderly funny. Thanks guys for the laugh.

Thank you, too! :)

udder failures and milk duds, thanks for the humor. I got a laugh once when I read on FaceBook where a friend said his child asked what the statement 'utterly naked' meant however, he spelled it 'udderly' I responded by asking him if he had ever milked a cow? Needless to say but he and all of us on his FaceBook got a hoot out of that one. :)

You two brought a smile to my day. Thank you. Speaking of cows, what do you call a cow who no longer gives milk? A milk dud, or udder failure. Talk about corney. I told you because you'd appreciate it, and our loved ones no longer get those jokes. They don't laugh much anymore. Life is so serious in the nursing home sometimes. I like the day an employee brought a horse to the door for everyone to pet. We need to smile once in a while. Got to see my dad and have a cup of coffee with him, and going now to sit in a rocker and read with my nine year old. Hope your day was blessed!

funny is my saving grace giggles have a good evening with your kids I so miss those days.

You are too funny! OKay - time to pick up the kids from school... where has my day gone?? Oh yeah, dr's office, pharmacy.. and the laundry can wait til tomorrow.

Hugs, neon!