I was the sole caretaker for my sister (71) for 10 months, since she began hospice care. She has emphysema, terrible osteoporosis, and dystonia. I did the best I could for that time period, but I'm an older sister (74) and my health was suffering. Still is, actually. I lost 22 pounds involuntarily, and now I'm having medical tests to see why. I put her in a home with four other people, all of whom have dementia, which I think is pretty standard in the smaller homes that are somewhat affordable, at least compared to nursing homes. She is pretty much bedridden, either napping or sitting up watching television. There was no one else to be her caregiver, and she's going downhill, and the hospice nurses told me I would not be able to handle "what's coming" by myself. Now I have visited nearly every day (it's been nearly a month), to give her someone to talk with besides the caregivers. I have an out-of-town day trip tomorrow with friends as a Christmas tradition we've had for years. My sister, when I told her I wouldn't see her tomorrow, told me to think of her in "this place" while I'm out having fun. I get so annoyed, and then start feeling guilty, and I can't stand this!! I don't deserve this; it's something I had to do for my health. It would be lovely to hear from some of you who have overcome guilty feelings and how you did it. I just start thinking that she had to leave her home, her cat, her garden, all her stuff, to live in the one room at the board and care. As we were already roommates, it made caregiving easier when she started with hospice, but because we were roommates, I'm still here with all her stuff, the cat, the garden, and so on. I feel sad that I had to do this, but I don't think there was any choice. Thank you to anyone who replies with something compassionate and sensible. I don't wish to hear from people who will tell me I should have taken care of her until I dropped, after all she's my sister, and so on. You know who you are, so don't write. It won't help me at all.
Go to your traditional event and have a great time! You deserve all of the wonderful times that you can get.
When you talk with your sister, let her know that you have to take care of your own health as well as hers and there are things that you must do to accomplish that. Be with her when you can but don't feel guilty when you are not.
Blessings,
Carol
It isn't unusual for people who are growing old quickly compared to others, to complain. They can no longer hop into a car and drive to the mall. They can't go to the movies, or even go for a walk. Most of the day there is some ache or pain. They wish they were young again. If that was me, I would be grumpy, too. Was your sister a smoker by chance? If so, she probably regrets it now, but has to lash out at someone.
Having guilt is part of being a caregiver for a relative. We all have it. For me everything became extremely stressful. Here I was 70 years old and trying the best I could to deal with two very stubborn parents in their 90's. It damaged my health, too.
What is nice is that now your sister is in a safe place, so you are free to do what you want... that is if your brain allows you to be free... I would go through all the "what ifs". Yep, guilt was renting space in my mind, and I couldn't evict it.
Enjoy that day trip with friends, hopefully they can help take your mind off of the guilt.
(BTW, loved the boundaries you set re replies.)
It's not your fault that she is very ill and needs special
care that is best left to professionals. Now you can enjoy
a visit and not feel exhausted.
I agonized over placing my parents. They have been happily
married for 59 years and love their home. They have different needs
so I had to place them in separate facilities.
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