Why are outsiders so quick to suggest you put your parent in a nursing home?

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My father is in the advanced stages of Parkinson's Disease with dementia. I've just been told that the funding that helps pay for in home care for my father is being cut/eliminated. My 14 year old daughter & I live with my dad as he needs constant supervision and help with daily hygiene and care, meals, everything. But I work full time and have had a caregiver home with him while I'm at work. After work & weekends it's me. For the past 2 years he was fortunate enough to get in this program from an outside agency available to "qualified" VA patients that helped pay for the caregiver while I was at work. He only has his SSI and we only had to put about 10% out of pocket for the caregiver and the rest went to his other medical expenses and needs and I pay for everyday/everything else for the home.
My dad is waiting a "decision" for a claim we submitted to the VA to have him full service connected. But until that is finalized, that is not an option to count on.
So now that this program is gone, at the end of Oct., I have been scrambling for ides... I will talk with my boss about working remotely via laptop access; or pay the caregiver out of pocket for the mornings & I work 1/2 days using my leave time to the 1/2 I'm out every day (until that is depleted); or use my leave time for full days until it is depleted then go on a leave of absence, which is my last resort because that would leave me without any medical benefits for myself & my daughter.
I've run this past my 3 siblings, a few "friends" and spoke with one of his dr's and his social worker. It just astounds me how outsiders are so quick to tell me to put him in an ALF or a NH. These are even more expensive than home care. Plus with the dementia, if he has too many "BAD" days, they will ask me to remove him. Then what? Besides, when I first started taking care of my dad and had NO CLUE where to begin or what questions to ask about care for him, I put him in a "specialized, secure" NH to get resources going, he escaped 3 times out of their “secured” wing, and he was literally out of his mind at that time due to medication overdosing/under dosing & too many meds, you name it. If I put him in a NH/ALF now, I will be getting those phone calls again. Those are not the kind of calls you want at 2am.
But how quick and easy it is to say to put your loved one in a NH/ALF when you don't even get down and dirty in the trenches. I totally realize caregiving is NOT for everyone. I get that, but to just dismiss someone because it would make life easy.
Whew… I needed to vent that out. Too much stress right at the moment. I love my dad very much and until he’s bed ridden (I know I can’t do this & would need outside help then) he is staying in his own home where he feels comfortable, familiar and is in his safe haven.

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I think others are quick to tell you a NH is where he should be because others are objective and not living in the trenches. What stands out in your letter is the fact that you're talking about taking a leave of absence which would leave you AND your daughter with out medical benefits. Your first priority should be your daughter's well fair. It might be time when dad gets Medicaid...........to consider a NH. Just saying
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I sure feel for you. I have tried to care for my dad and we was doing pretty good until he had a mild stroke. He was admitted to a hospital for some therapy. While at the hospital he fell and broke his hip and collar bone. Never in my life imagined this could happen him at the hospital. They had to do surgery on his hip and now he can't walk and he also has developed dementia since. I have had to put him in a nursing home because I can't care for him now. I am so heart broken and feel so defeated. For all those so called friends and family members out there that so heartlessly told me to put him in a nursing home years ago, you finally got your way, but I can tell you from the very bottom of my heart that if I could still care for him or can eventually take him home I will be there with bells on and saying God's praises. You do what your heart tells you. God Bless
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BS0213, I think that staying with your mother to recuperate is exactly what you must do!
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Ok I have a dilemma , I have been caring for my MIL for almost 4 years, thru 3 surgeries and now next month going in for hip replacement (I'm 53) I've been in constant pain for a long while with my back and especially my hip. My husband has 4 sisters, two of which lives nearby! Yes they help "sit" with my MIL but physically very rare. I know it isn't my worry and my husband took on the responsibility of taking care of his mom or I should say its been me. He will not put her in a SNF even though she has vascular dementia late stages, incontinent, cannot walk at all and has to be fed. I will be having my surgery next month and we did put in to get IHHS but not sure if that will take place in time. And as terrible as it seems I am looking forward to the surgery not only to release my pain but to hopefully get some much needed rest. I am hoping to stay with my own mother to recuperate even though my husband wants me home, I'm just afraid I will be incline to try and do something for which I can't. I know my husband has never really believed my hip pain was this serious because I continued to care for his mother despite all the pain. Thanks everyone for being here!
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Oh com'on Susyn. You've done this for 8 years, you are now handicapped regarding lifting and carrying, and you are asking if you are an ungrateful daughter? What? If that is ungrateful I cannot imagine what a caring. loving daughter would do.

I think you owe your mother the best care she can have. If that is not directly by you now, that is sad, but it is the way it is. You will continue to provide loving support for your mother, be with her often, and advocate for her, ensuring appropriate care levels.

Hugs to you in this very difficult time.
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mother has alzeheimers, legally blind etc etc has fallen 3x this week ended in hospital and i realized she will break something and i can't pick her up . i broke both wrists right humerous and non union elbow ands shoulder they broke fingers in right hand to unbend them but i am handicapped still so today i am trying the 9100 day in nursing so hard hadn't told mom and don't want to. only relative 100 miles and he hasn't called back. do i seem like an ungrateful daughter i've done this for 8 yrs now and i'm tired. susyn
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Just want to thank everyone for their input, and for listening. It does feel good sometimes just to get it off your chest to someone who understands what you're going thru. I would've like to check in earlier, but, it's been another busy day. Keep the advice comin and I'm listening to your situations also. When I have something that maybe can help someone I'll definitely respond with it. I'm praying for all, at the moment that's all I offer. Thanks again everyone, hopefully I'll have some time tomorrow to set up a page, but I'll definitely be checking back in.
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ALMA:

I've made that mistake several times in this forum. It's easy to do when you're not there, it has nothing to do with you, it doesn't affect you in any way, and you really don't know or feel anything about the people involved nor the sacrifices they're having to make at a moment's notice.

Without extra help, caregiving turned my life into a 24/7 job that tested my mettle by exposing my weaknesses. ... And I definitely resented people so free and easy with the advice who wouldn't volunteer to spend a day with my mother and show me how it's done. Even if I paid them.

It's obvious you're smart and resourceful, but you still need to vent. Come scream with us. You'll feel a lot better.
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I've thought of another things about working from home. Work is important to me, not only because it is necessary financially, but because with all the frustrations and lack of control of outcome that go with caregiving, it is very satisfying to be able to do some things over which I have some control. To meet deadlines. To produce something that somebody else needs. Perhaps even more than before I became a caregiver, work contributes to my sense of self worth. Therefore I have strong motivation to do it well. I need measurable quality in SOME area of my life. :)
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almaangm, I strongly encourage you to pursue working remotely. I have been doing it for about 4 years, and it makes a huge difference in my ability to keep my husband at home.

Go to your boss prepared with a plan. Sound professional and responsible, and not desperate. This will be good for both you and your employer. That is what you have to emphasize.

How are you going to keep track of your time? I have a timer that I set for an hour at a time. When it dings I make a slash on a notebook page. If I get interupted and have to help hubby I stop the timer, and resume when I get back to the computer. So I do have distractions, but the company is not paying for them. I also have distractions when I am in the office, but the company does pay for that.

Will you work set hours, or will your hours need to be flexible? Mine are extremely flexible, often needing to take hubby to appts in the day, and then working in the evening. I frequently work weekends. This is also to the company's advantage, since without this felxibility I might not be able to meet deadlines.

How will you handle meetings concerning your work? Will you come in to a weekly meeting? Will you be able to go in for important meetings on short notice? Think this out in advance, so you will have a plan if your boss asks. I attend most meetings by conference call. That is part of the culture where I work, and I'm seldom the only one who has dialed in instead of driven in.

My husband attends a day program a couple of days a week. That ensures I have some uninterupted blocks of time to work on projects. Those are also the days I try to schedule in-office time.

We need my income. I need to build up my SS credits and my pension. Working from home has been ideal for me, and works well for my company as well.

I wish you the best of luck in proposing this to your boss.
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