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Mom was diagnosed with dementia a few years ago and things are progressing. I am her medical and financial POA. She really needs to be in a nursing home before things get worse, but I seriously doubt that she'll agree.


She's been living with us for the past few years. At what point in time do I have to be the one to make this decision for her? There are times when she seems on the ball, but there are times when she tries to leave, to go "home."


She has zero assets and very, very little money so wherever she goes it will be on the government's dime. :( I'm going to get in contact with our state's long term care, but was hoping someone here could give some advice.

Start by having her doctor evaluate her for mental competency and the type of residential care she needs. Some doctors' practices can guide you to competent residential care facilities in the area. Otherwise, when contact an Agency on Aging or similar local government resource, use them to locate appropriate options. You need the "mentally incompetent" diagnosis to use those POAs.
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Reply to Taarna
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Start the financial process early. You don't need to wait until she is not competent. It can take a long time and no facility will take her unless she is approved in advance. My uncle did not/refused to go to a nursing home until he fell once and went tot he hospital. The hospital would not release him to go home unless I could ensure he will be safe (He was living by himself). I let them know there was no way for him to be safe at home and he stayed at the hospital until a nursing home was found. The hospital had much better contacts and resources to find a nursing home than I did. I made it clear that the nursing home could not be more than 2 hours away. They found one and I was lucky that it is actually pretty good.
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KellyGirl71 May 14, 2025
Did he break a bone? How did the hospital want you to ensure them that he would be safe leaving the hospital? Why couldn't you have taken your father in?
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I'm not familiar with how things are financed but one thing I do know is that being POA,you will be asked to sign for her. Always sign POA after your signature!! This way you will not be accountable for her bills. This is what the MC facility and hospice told me to do.
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KellyGirl71 May 14, 2025
Can you refuse to sign even if you ate POA and your loved one cannot. Did an attorney tell you to do this?
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My POA for financial was immediate. My Medical needed her doctor to say she was incompetent. I made all Moms decisions. Placing her started out for respite care while I went to a wedding out of State and went into fulltime. I just got it all set up and took her. Telling her when we got there it was her new apt and she would be meeting new people. I was lucky she acclimated well.

I never asked her if she wanted to do something because it would be NO. I just did it. Your Mom can't make decisions anymore. Thats why your POA. Your decisions will be what is best for Mom and you.
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Read your POA document. It will say what you have to do to get POA and it is usually when Mom is legally unable to make her own decisions with competence.
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As her PoA, the documents should inform of the criteria needed for your PoA to actually be active, unless your PoA is Durable (meaning it's active the moment she signs the document). Usually the criteria that most lawyers recommend is needing 1 official medical diagnosis of sufficient impairment. Sufficient meaning her cognitive and medical testing indicates she needs the intervention and management of the PoA. You can ask her doctor for this testing, and the doctor will put the results in her medical portal. I had to ask my Mom's doc to put it on clinic letterhead and the doc had to sign it, as a requirement to enact my PoA to manage one of her annuity investments.

You don't have to wait for your Mom to buy into liking the thought of transitioning into a facility. My Mom is 95, lives semi-independently next door to me with moderate dementia. She's single and I'm an only child. We've had an agreement for years that I will transition her into a facility if 1 of 2 conditions occur: she's no longer safe in her home or I am overwhelmed by her care. She recently slipped out of bed in the middle of the night. I got her bedrails, which she hates for some reason. She insisted I take them off and I told her it's part of keeping her safe so she can stay in her home longer. End of resistance.

With your Mom having no assets and little income, you will need to probably contact your county's social services about an Elder Waiver, which is in-home assistance and aids paid for by Medicaid. It won't be full time by any means and you will be managing the turnover of the aids. Medicaid doesn't pay for AL or MC in a facility at all, although a smaller, faith-based facility might take her in on the Elder Waiver to partially pay for the custodial care. Medicaid only really pays for medical care. Therefore an elder has to qualify both medically and financially for Medicaid.

LTC can be 100% covered medically by Medicaid and 100% covered custodially by her SS income if she qualifies. Hospice is covered by her Medicare insurance.
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Reply to Geaton777
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At what point will you NOT be able to cope with her in terms of her personal and physical needs ? That is the main consideration. A lot of people take on the role of carer but are not trained to do so when the disease or physical capability shows deterioration.

You also need to think about your own relationship, you say she lives "with us". How does that person see the future with your mother ?

It is no shame to admit you can't help any more, you can see from this forum how carer burnout is common.

My advice is don't leave it too late. Start to take advice from many sources now to see what the options are. Good luck.
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