Question for full-time live-in caregivers- how do you commit?

When at 97 my Mom was still fully functional but living 12 miles from nearest town and a long walk to nearest neighbor - it was obvious something needed to give. I gave her 2 options - hire a live-in full time caregiver or come live with me across the country from where she lived. She realized she couldn't continue in her own home - so looked at assisted living (which like all assited living - if you cant take care of yourself reasonably you have to go to nursing home). Then she decided to make the move to come and live with me. Brave on her part - yes. I would never have lived where she was living and was happy to have her come to my home. We were blessed with another 7 years - only had issues requiring hiring caregiver here - last 6 months. She lived to almost 104. She was happy in her new home - she became a California girl. Bottom line - it was her decision guided by my setting the expectations of what would happen here - if she needed help I had more resources here and I would always live here. your life will go on after her most likely. Make the decision that is best for both of you.

Leaving your spouse to move in with your mother is not a reasonable option (unless you wanted a reason to leave your spouse anyway!)

Why would you do that. If your mother stays in her own home, you'll all have to pool resources to hire in-home help.

Hi Rosa,
I can totally relate to your situation. My mom and I are living together and for now the resolution to where we live is that we live 6 months at my home and 6 months at hers. I realize that this is not the permanent solution and that I will have to settle down somewhere. I cannot and will not live in her home permanently and no matter where she goes she will not be happy to leave her castle where she feels most comfortable. It is very difficult as we want to keep our parents happy. For now this is the best solution but I am trying the best that I can with the resources that I have to offer. I plan on putting both of our homes on the market and plan on taking a few real estate trips with her to find the best place for us both to live. I am fortunate to have her.... here with me and am enjoying her before it will get more limiting as her condition worsens. All I can say is she is lucky to have you and that this struggle of where to live is your decision. I have no regrets in my decision to dedicate myself to being her full time caregiver and friend. Our moms deserve to be treated by those that love her like no one else can. A nursing home is not an option for me. When her condition worsens I will seek in home support services and at the end there will be hospice available. You can only take care of her in the best way if there is no resentment present about your sacrifice to her. Stay positive and do whats best for you so that you can take the best care of her if that is the option you choose. I hope you find the best solution for you..... thinking of you through this difficult transition....

In my BIL/SIL's case, they needed somewhere to live temporarily, and my FIL offered to let them move in. That was 3 years ago. FIL's mobility dropped dramatically in the first few months they were there and SIL felt they couldn't leave. BIL is somewhat content, but SIL is now beginning to regret that decision and they are talking about moving out and finding skilled nursing or ALF (we think he is physically more in line with skilled nursing, but some of that may just be that he is interacting with his daughter and not someone he is paying to care for him, we believe he may be able to do a lot more than he does for himself) for my FIL.

But it would not have come at the expense of her marriage. They would not have been separated for her to care for FIL. If he had needed care and no one was able to move into help as an intact family unit, he would had to hire home caregivers or move to a facility that could take care of his needs. As it stands his needs are getting to be too much for them and I don't think it will be long before other arrangements have to be made.

I think you know that moving in with her is a no-go. You should not let her think that is an option. You can say "Mom you how I love you, but I cannot and will not leave my husband and children to come live at your house, and if you were thinking clearly I know you would not ask that of me. SO lets brainstorm other options. If you want to remain by yourself with your cats, you will need to live in a senior apartment near me. OR you can choose to pay someone to come and stay with you during the week and help you out and sister and I will take turns coming on Saturday or Sunday afternoon for a couple hours to visit and help out. We cannot keep driving so far so often. It's not a workable plan long term. SO you think about it and then we will make a plan. BUT you have to be firm and take that option off the table. No maybe, no we'll see, no we'll think about it.

Talking from experience moving my mother in with the family. My dying father’s request was to take care of my mother. So that’s what I did. Until I couldn’t any longer.  It all unraveled when I gave birth to a special needs child, got laid off and also fired from work, and mom eventually devolved to dementia. I am at my lowest now, in self esteem, alternatives and just general direction in life. I have no more life since things went downhill.  I have been a full-time caregiver for more than 15 years now, although my mother has lived with us for longer. I have not been able to connect properly with my children nor my husband…more like they have “dropped” me because I chose to carry this extra burden. It doesn’t help that I already had unresolved issues I’ve suffered through. So if you are going to do what you plan to do, please consider that you might not feel the same way down the line.  Situations will change, how you feel will change. It’s not worth it to give up your immediate family unless you are truly willing to experience that “loss.”   Solutions will have to be created, work it through with your family. Make sure to speak up for yourself, and what you are willing to give. Don't allow yourself to get run over, like I did, take care of yourself as well.

GET THE CAMERAS!
we installed EZVID, with just 5 cameras we can see and hear everything-and communicate through each camera-loud and clear- if/when necessary.
Just install the free app on your phone, IPad, etc-there are no monthly charges.
Plus, you can record if you install an SD card.
If nothing else, the cameras will at least buy you time..

My husband and I moved into my mother-in-law's house about a year ago. Since then, it has been a slippery slope for all of us. At first, it wasn't so bad. We were optimistic, energetic, and willing to go above and beyond. Now, I can tell you, I am miserable. It has been very difficult emotionally, physically, and financially. Worst of all, my marriage has suffered greatly. My life feels chaotic and very much off track. I am losing myself little by little. When it's at the point where an elder needs an in-home caregiver, their condition is already pretty darn bad, but note: it only worsens from there.

I would never leave my spouse and family to move in with my mom... that sounds unreasonable. I moved my mom in with me and my family. She has caregivers available through Medicaid and I am able to manage them in my home. (I am also a paid caregiver.). Talk to an ELDER attorney to see if she qualifies. I would not want to manage all this from afar... we went through several caregivers before finding ones we trust, even living under the same roof! We have caregivers in our home all the time... my husband is very supportive about it but it is definitely an unusual situation with little privacy. This could go on for years. I am not a fan of nursing homes. Assisted Living can be great for elders who can care and advocate for themselves. My father-in-law was forced into one and ended up loving it. There is no perfect answer for senior care, unfortunately. Best wishes.

rosadelima: Your story is the epitome of mine. For you see, I, too, had a mother who was adamant on living alone 500 miles away from me and my husband. While certainly I tried to remedy her elder living arrangements early enough that something could be changed (closer to me), my mother remained unchanged. She was a legally blind woman with the worse ever case of wet Macular Degeneration that her retinologist had ever seen, she was incontinent both ways, had CHF, A-fib and Arthritis. She said "I'm so glad that I stayed in my own home." My response - "I am not, mother because now that your blood pressure bottomed out to 60 over 40, you've left me no choice but to move in with you."

I do not advocate this. You asked how this worked out. It was the most difficult of feats that I've ever undertaken. I was already an elder myself when I had to leave my home, my husband, my family and my life behind. I needed surgery, but that had to wait. My mother was in the hospital on Christmas Day and so was my husband - but I was unable to be with him and he incurred a vicious cat bite - long story short - the cat had to go. I had some stories from that escapade!

Prayers sent.

Rosa; just because your mother refuses in home help and/or refuses to move closer to you or your sister does NOT mean that YOU must leave your family.

Something will happen; a fall, an illness, that causes mom to be hospitalized. Once she is in the hospital, you tell the discharge planners that she lives alone and refuses help. They will help place her in rehab which can then turn into Long Term Care.

She is making poor choices which will result in her living in a situation that is not to her liking. But that is HER choice.

You shouldn't wreck your life to accomodate her poor choices (not to allow help to come in to her home).

This isn’t the answer your looking for, but for me.... I refuse to commit. If there’s anything I’ve learned here, one foot in it , your in it for the duration and it escalates. My MIL will need full time care and I have worked for almost 50 years to retire. BIL wants to save money for inheritance. Not at my expense.

Hello, You and your family come FIRST! When Mom was about 87 I was given a lecture from my brother saying it was time to sacrifice and do for our mother since she has now reached her super senior years and was showing subtle signs of declining. She too never wanted to leave her home and there was no way either of us could live with her. I have a family and lived out of state and my brother out of the country. Fast forward our mother who was now 96 was no longer safe being alone in her own home per her doctor. The doctor pretty much said if we didn't make a decision for her safety that he or the state would. We had 30 days to let the Dr know what the plans were. So we scrambled and found a nice AL place for mom in my home state. Mom has always been a very independent, in charge type of woman so this did not go over well with her; leaving her home of 40+ years but she had no recourse. Days before moving to my state she called me and said she didn't want to go to AL but would be OK with living with me bc the price of AL would drain her funds pretty quickly. So in haste I agreed. How hard could it be? I fooled myself. If I had to do it again, I would not have made an emotional decision by letting her move into our home. Taking care of your loved one does not get easier as they age; only harder. Children are easier to take care of bc they become more independent. Not so with aging parents; they become more dependent everyday. It absolutely sucks the life right out of you and your other family members. I have been doing this for only 1.5 years. Many here have been doing this so much longer but to me my 1.5 years seems like 10 years. I am pulled in so many directions and totally stressed. My home was my sanctuary; my happy place. That has all changed. My family relationships have changed. My life and anything I do or plan is all based around my mother's care and schedule. This may sound cold and callous. I don't mean for it to be. I love my mother but I do admit that I love her differently if that makes sense. I have no physical support from my brother. He calls now and than and a sends a couple emails bc he still lives out of the country. This sacrifice my brother said we needed to make is all on me. His life has not changed. There is so much to think about: legal issues (POA), Dr appts, transportation, medicare, re-arranging your home to accommodate her needs, hiring outside home-care and the list goes on and on. You are so blessed to have a sister who is in this with you. Share these posts with her before making any final decisions. Do what is best for you, your family and your sister. This is a huge commitment that you have no idea how hard it will be or when it will end. Hugs to you both!

The general consensus here seems to be not to move in with your mom. You need to consider the effect on you to try to care for her 24/7. In any care facility the staff works in 3-4 daily shifts. You propose to do the job of how many people? What will your mental state be in a few weeks?

Let's just start by saying, sounds like you really don't want to give up YOUR life to help her for a few years, and that's all she has if lucky.

Someone with as many doubts as you, as you probably already have 18 kids, 2 husbands and a dog or whatever your situation is, would probably be better served HIRING a live in carer.

Med alerts are for the family to feel safe, for the person expected to use it, its usually useless. (I know.)
Cams are a BIG help, but you cannot be glued to them 24/7 (I know)
Pandemic has made getting a live in carer a real dangerous option though. I personally, though I would like one, no way I would hire one in Maskless Pandemic Land.

I completely understand you wanting to not give up your life to care for you mom for a year or two. Do what you are doing, maybe get a neighbor or friend of your mom's or another sibling closer to check in daily, if only on facetime.

All you can do is do your best for YOUR situation and for YOUR mental health, it is EXHAUSTING. Some just seem to be made to deal with everything, others not so much.