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For my mental and physical health I left after two years of helping my 91 year old mother. None of my three siblings (the older two are her darlings) would help (younger one smartly estranged himself from family decades ago).


The two years were years I lost income since I was her free 24/7 slave - her house was a hoarding disaster, I got it in shape with much hard physical labor & had it sold, spent ages taking her to every senior living place within 80 miles, etc.


She's always been emotionally abusive to me and was horrible to me when I was there (accusing me of theft, wanting to kill her - things that were beyond painful to me as I've been the only one there for her for my whole life, including being her human shield against my father's (long deceased) blows meant for her.


My question to you is: how do I deal with the devastation I feel from her throwing me away since I left? She ignores my birthdays, holidays, or even any contact though I send her cards and occasional emails that she ignores. Meanwhile, I see from the USPS (I get email alerts because my mail went to her old address - that will end soon as she says she's moving but she won't tell me where - though I'm her POA, executor etc) that she is showering her rich grandchildren and loved children and their spouses with gifts, while she knows I have nothing and no one.


It's not about the stuff, I've been poor all my life and I don't care about material things - it's the pain of being not valued by her - hopefully some of you will know what I'm talking about: wanting her to love me as she does them. She's erased me from her life because I left. I tried to explain that I needed to get my life on track (I'm long time involuntarily unemployed, divorced, moved around a lot in childhood and adulthood and was in abusive marriage so have no friends or state I consider home). I just feel so hurt from giving her a lifetime of myself which wasn't enough. Now she couldn't care whether I'm alive or dead. I went to two shrinks - they didn't understand mothers who don't love their children so I stopped going as having to prove all she did/does to me got tiring.


I post this as I often see the (good) advice telling caregivers to leave to save their health and sanity. Leaving surely did save mine (I was close to suicidal when I left), but now how do I deal with her completely throwing me away? The only time she responds in emails is to tell me how horrible I am. I know I can't have a relationship with her or her love, but how do I feel I have any value when she's thrown me away? Thanks.

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The betrayal of a mother is the deepest wound. What you have to know in your heart is that your value is not determined by other people. Your value, your divinity, is innate. You have all you need right now inside of you.
Shift your thinking about your mother from she “doesn’t“ to she is “unable.“ She just can’t. She doesn’t have it in her. She never could. Do you see? Her inability, or disability, to love isn’t about you. It’s about her. And how sad for her to miss out on you and all of your kindness and giving.
I give this advice easily but it isn’t easy work. I have to remind myself every day to love myself and to love my mother for her disability. (And I love her from across the country. I make sure she is cared for, I pay her bills, I check in with her once a week by phone.). There are many abused daughters here. Keep reading. It has helped me a lot.
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CantDance Aug 22, 2020
Well said. How very, very true!
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I'm so sorry for the torturous pain you're experiencing. I don't think there's anything that we (or anyone) can say to make this situation better for you, you know? I think you should immediately resign your position as POA for your mother and then change your phone number. In other words, remove yourself from her life entirely so you CAN move on with your life. Consider her deceased, grieve for the loss of your mother......and this IS a death of sorts, after all, and when you reach the acceptance phase, that's when things may improve for you, emotionally.

I was adopted at 3 months old; I found my birth family in 2000 and the story of what my birth mother had done to my other 6 half-siblings was nothing short of a horror movie. She threw my sister Dawn out when she was 8 years old......onto the street b/c her new boyfriend (who was sexually abusing the girls) didn't like her! And that's just ONE tiny thing in a very long list of offenses from a very sick woman. That's how I choose to look at it: that she was a very, very sick woman who was abusive to her children as a result. Dawn wound up moving in with a foster family who treated her well; she is a mother herself now and has a great job and a good life. Thankfully, she was able to move past the grief our mother caused her and realize her own self worth, which I'm so happy about.

Know that there is nothing wrong with YOU; it's your mother who has issues. Not every woman who gives birth is cut out to be a mother and many, many such people should never have children to begin with. It's a terribly bitter pill to swallow to be in such a situation, and my heart goes out to you. I sincerely hope you are able, somehow, to remove this person from your mind so that you can begin thriving as a woman YOURSELF. You deserve to live a full, rich life and to be loved as the wonderful and lovable human being you ARE, and not to view yourself as anything less than that. Just because your mother is incapable of showing you the love, affection and respect you deserve does not mean you are not worthy of it. It is SHE who is not worthy of YOU.

Wishing you the best of luck moving forward
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mary,

It is painful to be devalued by one who raised us; to be thought of as nothing. Because deep down inside, if Mom doesn't love us, who will? So we trudge through life convinced we're worthless and undeserving, sometimes to the point we refuse to believe friends, husbands, wives, who say they do love us!

The light came on for me when a family member referred to Mom as "mentally ill." I began to examine her toxic behaviors. The evidence was undeniable. All my life, my self image was nothing more than a distortion reflected through the eyes of a deeply troubled mother. Why was I allowing a sick person (or anyone else) define who I was?

Mary, through what you've shared, the woman who gave birth to you is paranoid and emotionally abusive; a hoarder to boot, all signs of some form(s) of mental instability. Why are you letting her define you? And for how long?

You say your mother has "thrown you away." Have you ever thought of this as a good thing? Get out of your mother's life and start making your own. Liberate yourself from her toxicity. Throw HER out of YOUR life! (Sorry for shouting). Leave her to the 2 siblings you described as "her darlings" and place your focus on your own health and future. You deserve it!
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marymary2 Aug 22, 2020
Thank you, Can'tDance. Your answer brought me to tears and I'm not a cryer. So true about not believing others who say they love you.... I'm trying to do what you advise as I know you are right. The rest of my small family and her many friends thinks she's a sweet old lady, because that's what she is to them. Only my ex husband saw her abuse. It was through him I learned how bad it was as he never took my side in anything else. Anyway, I'll try. It's a daily struggle to feel worthy... Wishing you the best.
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Hi, Mary, I've just read your past posts. This part of one particularly struck me: "but she did write me out of her will when I left to try to get my health back."

So she wrote you out of her will, yet you are still her executrix and POA? WHY? Why not resign those positions? Why on earth would you be the executrix of a will which leaves you nothing? Or be POA?

You also mentioned a trust. Has your mother left you nothing?

Let one of the darling sibs take care of it all.
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marymary2 Aug 23, 2020
Thanks. From these comments I can see that resigning is the best idea.
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I am so sorry to hear that your mother has treated you like this for a lifetime. I can definitely relate as I have been treated this same way until I read the book by Karyl McBride titles Will I Ever Be Good Enough? The information in this book opened my eyes to the pain and exploitation that I have experienced for decades. Through counseling and attending Coda group sessions and confiding in a good friend from childhood, I’m finally in a place where I can pull myself up and realize it’s not my fault nor is it yours. My mother recently passed away and I am RELIEVED. Since emotional/verbal abuse runs rampant in my family, I’ve had to firm up boundaries many many times. Walk away from the relationship and do not look back. All I can suggest is to focus on yourself, pray, get into counseling, and read that book it was a life changer for me. I wish you the best.
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marymary2 Aug 23, 2020
Thank you for sharing your story, Earlyabuse. How horrible that you had to experience all you did. I'm looking up the book and Coda now. Wishing you all the best too.
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I didn’t have a mother anything like yours, and I’m truly sorry for your experience. I may not be qualified by experience to answer you, I can give empathy and thoughts. One is I don’t think you’ve left “enough” You’re still reaching out to your mom, and that’s setting yourself up for more hurt and disappointment. And you’re making yourself aware of what’s happening for other family members. No matter how much you’ve made peace with how mom is, it still stings when you’re rejected and you see evidence of others being loved. I’d encourage you to stop both of these, don’t contact her and don’t know what occurs for others. If you want or need contact, send friendly cards, they don’t get an immediate response or any response at all. Don’t feel any need to explain yourself, you’re a fully formed adult, you don’t owe an explanation for your choices and actions. And most importantly, time to place positive, encouraging people in your life. Find these people through a community of faith or other means. Boundaries are a fence with a gate, they let in the good and keep out the bad. Time to keep out the bad that’s bringing you harm and find some good to fill your life. I wish you the best
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marymary2 Aug 22, 2020
What a wonderful reply, Daughterof1930. Thank you so much. I'm going to put your suggestions into action, regardless of how I feel. Wishing you much happiness.
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Your abusive mother chooses to devalue YOU and chooses to bestow kind gestures onto others. She knows what she is doing, and might be the personality type that enjoys abusing you.
Your mother controls you through her condition-based "love." When you're compliant, she bestows scripted "kindness."
Her actions, etc = manipulative. Designed to hurt you. She knows that you're being hurt by her devaluations.
That personality type enjoys hurting their victims, and will hide and deny their abusiveness.
The fact that they hide their abuse and behave normally + kindly in front of others = they are in control of their manipulations of others.

Unfortunately, based on your mother's manipulative personality type she very likely deliberately provoked your father into some of his rages, specifically behind closed doors to ruin holidays or to scare kids into compliance (do you see what daddy will do to mommy if you don't obey?) (were his rages on your birthdays? or during milestone events?) which is sick and twisted but part of that personality's modus operandi.

A few years ago a counseling client disclosed that she deliberately would provoke her husband into what she termed "rage-mode," which she said would coincidentally ruin Thanksgiving and other "family only" holidays + kids birthdays she said it helped control the children by instilling fear of their father into them. Social services did zero to help that family.

It's done to ruin relationships between children and the other parent + it's done to control their spouse, by provoking a spouse into a rage or emotional break-down.

Manipulations of emotions is your mother's expertise.There's a fine line that personality type controls. Provocation of rage is planned, the amount of rage is planned, and they will usually upset a spouse into raging against children; which is easier and more rewarding to accomplish in their sick and twisted minds. Because they enjoy inflicting pain.
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marymary2 Aug 23, 2020
Wow, Screennamed. You describe it all perfectly. I realized when I was helping her recently that she probably did push him to be violent. She uses my Achilles heels on me often ("No wonder no one loves you" - I'm single now - to "Why don't you get a job" - when I've been trying but even younger people are having a hard time now with the pandemic - then her endless gaslighting which is definitely crazy-making.

As you explain so well, my mother did succeed in alienating me and my younger brother from my father. He died when I was in my early 20s. He (understandably now) had an affair. My mother would threaten my younger brother and I that we would have to go live with the other woman if we even looked in the direction of my father. She also alienated me (and younger brother) from her darlings, the two older siblings - who do nothing for her.

You're so right on the enjoyment of pain infliction. She (and my older siblings) always did get extremely gleeful when I was hurt - physically or otherwise. They literally laughed and their moods would be so happy whenever I was hurt or sick - even when I had serious illnesses. It helps to read what you wrote as I thought that's what I deserved and didn't even realize it was craziness on their part.

Anyway, it would become common knowledge for all to see what you and the others here understood. Maybe then some of the children experiencing it now could be spared what some of us have endured. Thanks again for teaching me.
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If you're religious pray for her and don't wish any ill will to her then get on with your life.

It's obvious that she has forgot you and/or does not want to deal with you anymore. It is interesting, you are the Executor, POA, etc. Try to get off of that if you want nothing to do with her, because these "appointments" are to spare the family she does care about the grim and sometimes gritty duties of her health and death.

Follow the steps of your younger brother. Good luck to you.
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marymary2 Aug 23, 2020
Thank you for your advice and good wishes. You got it right on sparing the others having to do anything - that's the story of my life with her.

It's too late for me to do what my brother did in his 20s. I'm in my 60s and have no children, no spouse, no friends. I'm not from anywhere and moved around the country a lot in both childhood and adulthood (for work) so don't even have a home - I put my stuff in storage across the country when I went to help my mother in Ohio.

I've tried to make friends, but most people at this age have families and friends they've shared a lifetime with. Nice as they are, they have no need for me - especially those with children/grandchildren/spouses. I think the best I can do is just not hurt myself anymore and resign myself to just surviving the time I have left.

Wishing you the best.
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Hi MaryMary, you have my sympathy for all the rotten things that have happened to you in the past. I hope that the comments from people who have gone through this, will help you to look after yourself now.

Yes cut the ties finally, inform your mother that you will not accept the POA or the Executorship. You don’t have to dance that dance to order. Quick legal advice might set your mind at rest about how to do it, and giving some notice to the golden siblings would be useful to them and you. Just doing that is an important step in getting control over your own life and your own responsibilities.

I am glad that I have never had troubles like yours, but I have had other troubles that made me need to change my life. It’s very hard to do when your mind seems full up with the troubles. I have found that the most practical way, for me at least, is to change the scenery in my head by literally changing the scenery I am looking at. Something like a singles group tour, going to new places with new people looking at new things every day, has helped me more quickly than seems possible. Could you manage something like that? Could you find out what is available?

Another way to change your life might be to move. You say that you really don’t have a home. Where have you lived that you enjoyed, and could return to? Where somewhere new would you like to live? Researching that might change your focus and fill your mind with new positive things. Your computer can even do it from home in lockdown!

Cut the ties with your dysfunctional family members, put them out of your head, and plan a better life for yourself! Best wishes, Margaret
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Reading the various responses and advice to your situation here reminded me of some insight I received through counselling to deal with my own mother. Although I like meeting people and socialising, I have always felt a social anxiety before any kind of event, and in some cases have just not bothered to go out for fear of being criticised, belittled or of suffering some other imagined bad situation - it’s almost like a paranoia. My therapist helped me to realise that this was a response to years of emotional abuse, where subconsciously you believe you are worthless, that no one would want to spend any time with you, and that you are somehow deficient in being able to form friendships. I am sharing this with you, in case you feel the same way about striking out on your own to form a new life away from the abuse you are suffering. Be brave, start to look outwards to form new friendship groups and you will find far more kindness and support than you have ever had from your mother. I hope you can see that this forum is just one such example of positive things that can happen to you if you begin to reach out.
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marymary2 Aug 25, 2020
Thank you, Chriscat83. This forum is great and has saved my sanity many times. I am grateful to those on it and to those responding here in the hopes of helping.

In the two years since I left my mother's I have not found that kindness and support offline - though I have tried. This only reinforces the feelings of worthlessness, so I've given up. Maybe my mother was right and I am unloveable. (Though I was very popular in the only place I lived long - 5 years - in my tween/early teen years. Please don't suggest reconnecting with them. I did - even went to one reunion, but they have all been friends for life, going to each other's weddings, children, grandchildren. They never respond to any holiday greetings etc.) There's only so much putting yourself out there a person who's completely alone can take before it's just too much to bear.

Yes, to those who want to tell me I'm not trying hard enough and it's my fault. I know and I've paid for my stupidity and mistakes for a lifetime.

Wishing you all the best.
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