My 88 year old mother-in-law, who has her own health issues that are not being addressed, is caring for my 90 year old father-in-law who has advanced Alzheimers, is incontinent and has other health issues. Lately he has been attempting to flush his adult diapers down the toilet causing expensive plumbing repairs. My mother in law will not put him in a nursing home and won't spend money for a home care aid as he gets angry at her when she spends money and feels she should be able to do it herself. My husband and I live several hundred miles away and have offered to pay for a home care aid. We have been unable to get clear answers regarding either of their health statuses. My two sister-in-laws live near my in-laws but don't seem to be able to figure this stuff out but do try to take them to the store, appointments, etc. They will not spend money on an elder care lawyer. My father-in-law has some sort of pension and, according to my sister-in-law, they have money in the bank. But shouldn't they qualify for some sort of assistance? I feel kind of helpless as the daughter in law but want to help figure this stuff out.
Thank you.

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Seems the issue is not so much whether they qualify but whether or not FiL will refuse.

While you're exploring VA assistance, interview home care agencies in their area, hire one, but have the cost billed directly to you or one of the family members. Tell MIL and FIL you found a way to get services for him for free, as a benefit of military service,
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My father was being treated by a VA doctor and she recommended the Home Health care and got the process started. Depending on their income the service may be free or offered at a small fee. He may also be eligible for VA Aid And Attendence which helps pay for a caregiver. Search online for VA benefits or call the nearest VA office for help.
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