By putting my mom is a nursing home, am I giving her permission to let go?

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Hello to all. Some of you may know I put Mom in a nursing home 3 weeks ago because of rapidly increasing problems with dementia and safety issues. My hope at the time was that the activities and increased socialization would help ground her, and that she would have more help and support with her activities of daily living. After she was admitted she became very confused and had hallucinations. These initially resolved and as recently as a week ago Friday, 11/13, she knew me and could talk about her concerns. She asked where she was and when I told her this was her new home, she said she needed to buckle up and get a new attitude about her situation. I guess she changed her mind, because since then her condition has plummeted. She has stopped eating and drinking, the day nurse strongly suggested Hospice, which was started on Tuesday. She is no longer responding verbally. She has periods of terrible agitation (hospice calls it "terminal agitation") for which she is being given Ativan. Over the weekend her extremities have become bluish/purple and mottled, she doesn't swallow anything. Her earlobes have dropped back, and she is in the very end stages of dying. I can't believe how fast this happened.

This is the last thing I ever thought would happen. One of my friends said I had to expect this, that the only reason Mom was hanging on while she was at home was because she was worried about me. Ironically (or not) when I was driving her into the nursing home she asked if I would be OK alone, and I said sure, I have the dogs and cats and will be visiting you alot, and I'll be fine. My friend said that by putting her in the NH, I basically told Mom I was OK alone and that I was giving her permission to let go. My husband, sister, and family have all told me not to feel guilty, that Mom is exactly where she needs and wants to be. I suppose it's human nature to second guess your decisions, but to see this happen so fast breaks my heart.

Please pray for Mom's comfort, and that her passage be easy for her. Thank you, friends.

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We are with you txmaggie. You have been such a wonderful part of this group.

Sometimes people do seem to hang on because they are worried about us. Your mom's death pattern sounds much like my mother's. Hospice kept Mom comfortable. The changes you are seeing are part of the process.

She wanted to know you would be okay, and you will be. You will grieve, but she will always be a part of your life.

Take care,
Carol
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Dear txmaggie,
I am sending my heartfelt thoughts and prayers to you today and will pray for your Mother's peaceful passing.

I think that the hardest thing for me to accept is that death is the natural conclusion of life on this earth. My personal belief system is that there is a life beyond this one and that gives me tremedous comfort for my mother.

You are a compassionate daughter who took on the mantle of caring for your mother...can there be a better gift? Let no guilt enter your heart...you extended her life and got to enjoy her a little longer.

Bless you.
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Dear txmaggie.
I will be praying for you and your mother. Now she is at peace knowing you will be o.k. It's amazing how they can feel so bad but yet still worry about us. That is the true love of a parent. Sleep well knowing you cared for her as best you could, and she cared for you the same.
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Thank you, Carol, for your kindness. Hospice is doing an amazing job of keeping her comfortable, and the nursing home staff has been so caring and compassionate. There are so many good people in this world we live in.
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Dear txmaggie, my heart is with you and your mom at this time. Please be extra gentle with yourself and your emotions. Let us know how you and your mom are doing, and if we can help. Will keep you both in prayer.
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Thank you to all of you for your prayers and kindness. Mom died early this morning, peacefully in her sleep. I know she is in a far better place and is happy now. What more could we ask for?
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Dear txmaggie, thanks for letting us know. Will be praying for your comfort and strength, both now, and in the days ahead.
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Dear txmaggie:

So sorry to hear of your loss. I pray that you will derive comfort in knowing that she is no longer suffering and you did everything you could for her.

My prayers go out to you and your family.
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Txmaggie- take care and try to take care of yourself it is sad but with hospice you know she is in good hands God bless those people they do so much good.
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