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I earlier had a question and I believe I didn't give enough information. Mom is 98. She can't live alone and lives in my home. I'm retired except for taking care of her. I get a lease payment on a bar I lease out. I also have a lawsuit starting on my tenant for breaching the lease. Mom uses a walker,has tremors,so I cook ,clean,laundry and drive for her. Being 98 she gets confused and hearing comes and goes. Yes my long distance boyfriend moved everything with him here, He buys all the food, I'm not his caretaker just Mom's. In the past I was no ones caretaker. I'm 63 and plan to marry my boyfriend. He has a lawyer working with him on a case where he was t boned in his cattle truck. His primary Dr is being notified to send him a referral for a neurologist. He isn't here for money or material things. Yes he contributes to the home. Mom was so nice about this and 1 day not. I explained and told her with love I'm not going anywhere,but and she interrupted with I'm not gonna live forever. She always wants me to have all my ducks in a row and that means my future. Im not some old maid lonely and pitiful. Being in business for over 16 years I've seen and heard it all, so I'm good with hearing a scam. When I don't get any help and am here day after day it's a lot of being together. Mom& & I have been alone and my boyfriend lived by himself after a career driving cattle trucks. I love my Mother and would never put her in harms way. My dietician and therapist realizes I've put my life on hold and need more. I just want Mom to accept him.Mom's hoarding has been bad for years and we are working on cleaning up. Mom has never wanted physical therapy at home,or a nurse to visit so I really don't know how to handle help for her. Just 1 day. Does no one else have some of these problems?: I'll answer any questions. Thanks

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Youngest, thank you for filling in some blanks. It is helpful for us to be able to give our opinions with more information.

Because your mom is 98, because she said she doesn't know how to explain him, I would encourage you two to get married. Then she can not be uncomfortable with you living with, to her, a stranger. Her generation didn't condone living together without marriage, they can't change the fact that they find it unacceptable. Fix that and give her the explanation of him that will make her more comfortable. This is my son in law, youngs husband, she can understand that.

I would bet that she is having an emotional battle with you guys cleaning her hoard. It is a mental illness and she feels like her security is in jeopardy, not because you are doing anything wrong, because a hoard becomes a safety cocoon in their broken brain and it is being dismantled leaving her feelings of fear and insecurity, she associated him with this.

He is going to need to put in more effort to accept her as she is and that means coming out of the bedroom and engaging with her, even when she says things that are rough to deal with. If he is not willing, well that's a red flag for me.

Not to argue, I want to discourage anyone from thinking they can't be scammed because they have seen enough to not get caught out, that's the very behavior that can get us caught out. Experts in the fields get caught in all kinds of scams, nobody is immune, we need to remain vigilant and know that it is a potential for anyone to be scammed. Not saying he is or will, saying we know for certain only when we know for certain what the motives are. Scammers are very crafty and clever, their brains are set to screw others ALL the time, they truly have the upper hand on honest, trusting folks. We all need to remember that and not get cocky that we know better and it could never happen to me. Just sayin'.
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Don't let your mother control your life and who you decide to love. This is your business. You and your boyfriend have been very generous with your resources and with your mom. Next time mom starts with her antics about your boyfriend, tell her he stays. He sounds like a good man, and believe me, those are hard to find these days. Don't let mom drive a wedge between the two of you.

Old people get a sort of tunnel vision and forget that even caregivers are entitled to a life and love. I would learn to ignore her complaints about who you've chosen to love.
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You basically cannot change other people. If your mother won't accept your boyfriend then she won't accept him. I believe you said you would never place her. But I do think that telling her that if she cannot accept your boyfriend she can no longer live with you and safe housing will need to be found for her, is an option.

There are really only two choices here. Allow your Mom to stay with you until her death and accept all her behaviors (because they will only worsen in all honesty) or place her in safe care in ALF where she will have friends and will know that she has activities, but does NOT rule the roost.
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