How do you put your parent in a nursing home without feeling guilty?

Asked by

Husband and I are 60. His Dad is 87 with Parkinsons. We moved his Dad into our home 3 months ago from a nice retirement facility due to his Dad's falls. To keep him there with round the clock care would be 10 thousand a month. We found a lady who would keep him for 2400 a month and moved him there, but he kept calling at midnight for my husband to come there as he was lonely and scared. Thats when he moved in with us. His Dad is running out of money..he has only about 20 thousand left. We have been hiring some help for ten bucks an hour but we have to leave here while the help comes for 6 hours 3 times a week. Even with that, we have to provide 3 meals a day, wash clothes, medicate 4 x a day, wash his clothes, husband bathes him and picks out his clothes for him. He wants his son within eye shot and also wants us to take him on outings every single day in his wheelchair or he is miserable. He also has dementia so when he gets home and we are tired, he wants to go out again. When I hire help, he thinks they are his girlfriends and keeps hugging them and trying to grope them. I pretty much moved upstairs to avoid him as I do not feel comfortable around him...what if he forgets i am Kenny's wife and gropes me? My husband stays stressed and exhausted taking care of his Dad. His Dad has fallen 4 times in the last month but thank God we have thick carpet so he was okay. He uses a walker to the restroom and misses the toilet so I don't even want to go in there so I literally p in a lowes bucket upstairs using triple trashbags. I moved a couch into the spare bedroom to create my own living room upstairs too. So I live upstairs, husband lives downstairs for the most part. He needs full time care and I think he should go to the VA nursing home. But my husband feels too guilty because he knows his Dad won't like it there because his Dad wants to be in the same room as my husband all the time or he gets agitated and upset. I keep praying for God to tell us what to do. I don't know what is right or wrong. I start feeling guilty and will cook and give him his meds and make his bed and wash his clothes, etc. to help out, but being in the same room makes me feel uncomfortable because he has dementia and is a bigtime womanizer. He hasn't tried anything yet...but he has grabbed my daughter and my best it worries me. My husband just wants to be able to sit in his recliner and watch a tv show he likes and relax. His dad is in a recliner next to him and grabs the controller to watch qvc or anything with women on it. He didn't use to be like this..he is a nice man except for his love of women or lonliness since his wife died 6 years ago. my husband has been at his beckoning call, and taking him on outings daily for the last 6 years. It is hard to build your whole life around someone else. But his guilt is so huge. How do you put your parent in a nursing home without feeling guilty?????

Answers 1 to 10 of 11
Your survival instinct kicks in and you handle your business.
C'mon now, you can do this.
the way you're living is not tenable.
handle your business and get him placed and get about your lives.
This is not a rehearsal. this is your life.
God is telling you what to do but you have to be able to hear Him.
I thought that your husband had agreed for Dad to go to the VA home. What happened?
Is this an old post? If not, we have already covered this ground......
no lil;i it said three hrs ago . i did thought earlier its a older post but blew me away it was 3 hrs ago lol ...
goingcrazy_ do what u have to do . we have living room and family room , pa watches tv in living room and my hubby watches tv in family room so it all works... out .
ohyes i remmy now ! i thought goingcrazy s husband agreed to put his dad in the nursing home in order to save thier marriages , yep what happen ?
I guess THEY are winning, and your needs don't matter. Pack up his effing bags and put him in the VA home and let the professionals deal with him. Geesh--you are going to have major repair work to do with your husband, and yourself.
Please do it TODAY. Don't let this sick, selfish old man ruin your life!
Your father-in-law sounds as if he needs the medical help that can be given to him in a nursing home. Not all nursing homes are bad. Many of them are warm and loving places that can help your FIL follow some limits.
YES, my husband DID agree to put him into the VA but his guilt is so horrific that he appears to be having a real breakdown. I was wondering how I can help him or how can he deal with the guilt? He feels responsible for his Dad and he said he wants his Dad to die happy not miserable in a nursing home which he knows he will be yet it is more than he can handle physically or emotionally. Its not his Dad's physical limitations that bother my husband, it is the dementia that involve so many little things that would drive you up the wall. His brother has no problem putting Dad away as he just visits one hour a week anyway; but my husband is so laden with guilt it is as if he is shirking on his responsibility to his Dad and my husband is extremely faithful and committed. He is not in good heath himself. We tried the daycare at senior citizens I talked about before, but he sits by the door the whole time asking for his son and that made my husband feel so guilty he didn't take him back. Im really worried. My husband filled out an application and there is a waiting list for the VA. I wish I knew how I could help him get through this extreme guilt and was wondering how others dealt with this issue. Thanks so much, Pat
Top Answer
Pat, are there counselors at the VA to help with the transition? FIL is not the first resistant person they have dealt with. Tell hubby to get that help. Your FIL might enjoy shooting the bull with other old vets. Time to get tough, kick it up a notch, burrow through, and no wimping out, Big K. You two will collapse from exhaustion and joy when you get it done. Come on, Pat! Keep fighting! You want to do it! You are doing it, it's almost done.
If your husband wants to, he can spend every waking moment with his Dad at the VA. (I hope he won't want to, but he could.) The difference is someone else will handle all the day-to-day care issues, the toileting, the showers, the feeding, etc. and hubby can once again play the role of a devoted son. You will have the freedom of your house back.

This makes sense.

If hubby is overcome with guilt, even though he did not cause his dad's dementia, he should try a few sessions with a counselor. It sounds like more than you can help him through. If your husband is faithful and committed, how does he reconcile what he is doing to you?

Dad's on the VA waiting list. GREAT. Hubby is having a breakdown over it? Hubby needs some counseling.

It is time to ACT.

Share your answer

Please enter your Answer

Ask a Question

Reach thousands of elder care experts and family caregivers
Get answers in 10 minutes or less
Receive personalized caregiving advice and support