I am 53 and have to live with her due to my health issues. I can't work and don't make enough in my disability check to live anywhere else. She has emotionally blackmailed me my entire life. Now she is starting to get dementia and treating me worse. Even though I am in a lot of pain most days, I'm the one that has always had to wait on her hand and foot. She does not appreciate me at all for everything I do for her. I have worked like a slave the last four years and my health has declined greatly because of it. A few days out of the month I crash and think of ways I can end my life. My sister just tells me to do what's good for ME and if I complain to my brother, he laughs about it. They both have good lives and mine is awful because everyday I am being tortured emotionally with the guilt she constantly throws my way. I have cooked super healthy meals and things she can eat without her having to wear her dentures. She refuses to wear them. So every meal I have to cut things into the tiniest pieces. She mostly eats the food I cook, I have to eat organic, I buy it, make gourmet healthy tasty meals , clean it up, and make enough so that she can have left overs the next day. My sister brings $100 worth of restaurant food to her about every 10 days and sabotages my efforts to keep mom out of pain and healthy. Mom has skin problems that are from gut problems and constantly complains . When she eats my good food for a week, her complaints stop but then continue when she starts eating the restaurant food. And I'm the one that has to deal with her complaints all day and all evening 24/7. She does give me about $300 a month to help me, but she expects so much more and I can't stay out past 11:000Pm and she threatens if I spend the night with a friend etc., that I can find a new place to live. I'm thinking that I have squatters rights and should be able to leave once in a while. She treats me bad and throws guilt trips on me if I don't do exactly what she wants. Then she is mean to me and ignores me when I don't act like she wants. I need the money to help with medicine and food, etc. so I'm afraid to do what I want to do for fear of her cutting me off financially and not helping me when I need something important. There is also the awful non verbal retaliation of ignoring me and acting like I am a stranger in the house that she has no relationship with. And this is not been brought on because of the start of dementia, it's ALWAYS been this way. My mom and I have always been too close with each other.she had no relationship with my father( her husband)other than her acting like a mother to him. She doesn't understand what boundaries are and I never made them because when I tried, she would emotionally blackmail me with different comments. I'm so worried about my future because she won't leave the house to me. It's going to be split with my brother and Sister. They both are fine and own their own homes and make good money and have no health problems that hinder them in any way. I can't stand my brother , he is awful to me and could care a less that I have health problems and that I'm unable to make it on my own. He won't even throw me a $20 bone. My sister is very helpful when I need help.
I've been to 3 different therapists and they all just keep telling me to ignore moms behavior and get on with my life. It's easy for them, they don't have to deal with the awful guilt trips and fear of not having anywhere to live. I'm just looking for other people's perspective .. I'll read everyone's reply. Thank you
It's also not like your mom is leaving the house to you anyway and from what you say about your siblings, they won't be generous with their "shares" once your mother is gone. You have no incentive to stay and every incentive to leave.
We all love our parents to some extent, no matter how bad they treat us. But there comes a time when you have to get out from under their control and power over you. If you work to become independent and show your mother and siblings you can take care of yourself, you will be able to have more power over your choices and your life. Her care isn't your responsibility and if your siblings hang that over your head when you say you're leaving, tell them you've done your part and now she's their problem.
I think you know what you need to do and have the strength and determination to do it. You just need that validation. It's a gradual process and a lot of guilt will be felt, but it will get easier. You have to live for you.
I know disability is a very limited income. I also know several people on disability who are not living with their parents.
I suggest you talk to your county's human services department and ask for a needs assessment for yourself. They may suggest low-income housing, food stamps, Medicaid, and several other ways to get financial help so that you can move out.
Your mother sounds like a Narcissist. They don't change. And she has dementia. They get worse. Establishing boundaries with someone who has dementia is a real challenge. If you are serious about wanting your own life, you are going to have to pursue getting it ... she is not going to hand it to you.
There may be a waiting list for subsidized housing. The sooner you take action, the sooner your name will come to the top.
How can you pull away? Move out.