How to deal with psychopathic 95 yr old mom-in-law, my partner and a caregiver who she tortures?

The whole world has shifted it's psychology due to the United Nations with it's propaganda machine and cramming their beliefs into the minds of so many people.

It is so bad now that one can not get mad lest they be called an "instant" psycho......especially a woman.

Understand that most older folks suffer from angry outbursts..........many are chronically physically ill resulting in impaired judgement and uncontrolled emotions. Some feel like crap most of the time, especially if they are in a nursing home and many probably feel more like a slab of meat waiting for the slaughter house if they are living in a nursing home.

Dying and watching my body break down, feeling like crap, loosing all independence, and being at the mercy of some people who don't give a crap, much less even try to understand your lot, would be enough to set me over the edge!

Unfortunately, many of you think that the word "psychotic' has been used willy nilly here. My MIL is a diagnosed psychotic, not just an "angry older person." But thanks all the same.

Just note to clh777 - most people don't know what's the word hysterectomy came from: they thought if they cut out (ectomy) the uterus of a woman, they would be removing her "hysteria", back from Greek and Roman times I believe. Although HelpinDE is a man, he has posted out of concern for his wife and his apparently psychotic MIL and the influence she has over his wife. If you read his original title and question, I think it's pretty clear that MIL has done some fairly outrageous things, lying down behind their car to prevent them from leaving for one; acting sick like there's an emergency, but perking up after they leave like it was an act, for another. But if DE says hisMIL is a diagnosis I caught it, we I have to believe him. I don't think he's making up her behavior, why would he? No, I don't think this is a case of calling someone cuckoo because she is a woman. The preponderance of posters on this site same to be women and they have had similar things to say about other women who are on the slippery slope of memory loss.

In the first few days after DE's post, there followed what I thought were helpful suggestions about evaluations, nursing homes, even Hospice. But, DE, you posted on July 2nd, you put know information on the profile page and in your question you did not indicate that your MIL is a diagnosed psychotic. And for 19 days, even though you were asked questions, you did not contribute any additional information, kind of leaving all of us in the dark and I for one thinking you were either off doing something about it because of some guidance you felt you received or had lost interest in our responses.

I was just thinking about this a couple of days ago when I notice no more answers were being directed to you. One of your responders, "sj" posted in support of you with the story of her own which seem to have a lot of urgency. I notice: tell her situation pretty much preempted yours with the comments and answers that were being given. I was wondering what had happened to you, DE, in all of this.

Personally, this is volunteer work for me and, as an all volunteer work, the only payment or reward is satisfaction that we've been able to share what we've experienced if it can help somebody. l don't need a lot of accolades but I appreciate being appreciated.

So, now that we've read your question, considered some solutions and posted in return, spend time reading answers and checking back to see if you posted (which you didn't), all the while waiting to be able to say something supportive for your wife and you, how do you think it makes us feel when 19 days later you rather dismissively write, "but thanks all the same"?

I want to ask you to start with a clean slate, tell us if your MIL has a medical diagnosis and what if anything you've done since your first post on July 2nd. I'm sure we want to help, that's why we're here. Help us help the two of you ! !

I do have a question. Had this woman, before the age related physcopath showed up, been a good and loving mother to your partner (not withstanding the occasional problems most mother and daughter's have through the years) through the years?

If not, and she was a problem most of her adult life, then it's time to Throw Momma from the Train so to speak. Let her reap what she's sown, put her in a home, have your wife visit every couple weeks ( to help her avoid the guilt she'd feel if her mom passed with no recent visits ) and hopefully you'll be able to get one with your life.

On the other hand, if she was a loving mother most her life, and advanced old age and dementia has turned her into this monster... Then look at it as the terrible twos ( which often begin at 14 months and last through preschool) and think how she put up with them for her. Show more patience, make the drives, visit often enough so she doesn't feel she needs to act out in order to see you, and know that it won't be forever because she's dying.

If, after two or three scheduled visits a week she still does the "I'm dying" bit with the caretaker to get you to drive out there, have the caretaker call the ambulance and let them taker her to the hospital. A few trips to the hospital with them keeping her a few days each time (which they usually do to my dad) could cure her of her "little boy who cried wolf" syndrome.

From the outside looking in, it may seem easy to say so but it's never just all black and white. There are so many shades of grey. As bad as it was, even OWEN didn't Throw his Momma From The Train ! Haha...

A clean slate? Wow. What about "hospitalized for breakdowns" do you all not get? This is a sad bit of business, when someone reaches out for help and advice and is, instead, put on the defensive with twisted words and subtextual vitriol (look it up folks). To those of you who have helped and offered perspective and kind words, I thank you; to those of you who have projected all over me and the situation, you are the reason I'm leaving the forum, and recommending to friends in similar situations that they avoid public sites like this, lest they be handed their heads when honestly asking for help.

What do we all not get? Well, I don't see how "hospitalized for breakdowns" equates to "diagnosed psychotic". I'm sure if you heard from your friend of reference, but then you KNOW the situation, we DON'T". That's why there were many direct as well as implied questions and the answers to your post, but with MANY days in between, you have nothing to say. We might ask, how can we struggle to help this man when he doesn't participate? There has been genuine concern, no vitriol, certainly no subtext. In your vent however, I noticed you STILL haven't answered any questions. Hmmm...l hope you will remain in the forum and try again.

HelpinDE~I am sorry you did not feel supported here. I hope you do not leave, I really think that you will get support but you should try to understand that people here will ask for more details to help them understand your situation better so they can then offer suggestions. I believe you sincerely want to help your wife with this. I don't know if you checked out the website I suggested, but setting boundaries with your mil is necessary for you and your wife to preserve your own mental and physical health. Learn to emotionally detach with love from all the emotional drama mil creates, once your wife can do that, she will then be able to respond logically to what her mother is doing. Hang in there and best of luck to both of you!

sj94111, my heart goes out to you. You are in an impossible situation. Is there any way you can get help through your state with your medical needs? Is living in a shelter worse than the nightmare you are enduring living with your father?

Debralee, book, everyone......thank you for your support there are no real options for state, local help here, too many homeless people here where I live, no additional help from state disability only covers my income, medical to some extent, dental is where I need the surgeries, no insurance.
Things have gotten worse as in my mother seems so far removed from reality and is not helping, she supports his bad behavior in her own self preservation and ignorance. She only sees what is for HER. If I get hurt, she does not get it, she kisses my fathers ASS even though he treats her like DIRT.
My father is holding a grudge still since this incident where he was approached by his employer about abuse, and had his gun taken from him at home, he still gets to wear it while he stares at the computer screen monitoring (with his 2% vision) LAUGHING aloud!
He is now moving his arsenal out of the house , when I asked he says AWAY. Whatever, he won't get past what he DID to get into this mess. My mother is either bi-polar, or heading into dementia she actually threatened to call the police because she said I made her ill? I called them for her.
I am not sure what to do, I hate being around my father, his behavior is sick, odd, and annoying he is a pathetic old man, I used to respect him, until I knew the truth about what makes him tick. I am convinced he is GAY in the closet and will take a army to get him to humble. His doctor visit was a bust he stonewalled them

Just a Note:
I am sure others may think my comments are strong, have you ever felt like no matter where you turn you hit a wall. I used to be able to negotiate my way around all this, at some point when I had dental work done (root) canal on last lower molar, and Dentist failed to tell me he broke two instruments (Needles) one in tooth one outside of tooth while injecting Novocaine at the jaw, ear I am in constant pain, this has disabled me further. My father paid for one re-treatment, the Endo left most of the needle stuck at bottom of root and left the other piece of metal in the jaw, ear tissue. My father now won't even consider finishing the oral surgery needed financially. SO at some point I was in the process of getting a resolution, then my father had to get violent, and I had to speak out, and others reported it.
Now, he knows he promised to do this, he never asks, all he cares about is his GUNS, and his Men Friends....all of whom hate females..This further makes me frustrated, and I am just seeking some resolution or support.

I just tried to talk to him, he screams at me, tells me go away, just can't talk to me, WTF?
I have never been arrested, never had DUI, never smoked weed, never do drugs, never have inappropriate relationships, earned a degree, got excellent grades, yet I am a piece of shit in his 2% vision eyes....nothing will change his viewpoint of me, or any other female, when I earned $10k a month he still treated me the same.
I am hoping for some change, how is it that he runs around as much as he does at this age with poor vision? I notice he uses nasal sprays constantly? I wonder if he has some steroids in this medication, that could add to his aggressive behavior, grasping at straws here...

HelpinDE sorry you are leaving the forum, I will keep you and yours in my thoughts, and appreciate you sharing and seeking support, advice.
I have been offline for a week, I have been seeking a solution, and following up with agencies that I contacted to try and get help for my father, which fell flat, since I do not have POA at this point, I am hearing HIPPA quotes now from his physician, legally CYA I am sure. I took a comment here in a post too personally, felt I needed to try to seek a way out. Unfortunately I am stuck here, and employment is slim, I am going to keep trying, thank you all for your input, support..

Please call 911 to protect yourself, =every= time either one of them bullies, threatens you, or worse!
It's part of documentation trail you need, to help protect yourself from the questionable & dangerous behaviors of your folks.

Call your nearest "Area Agency on Aging"--it might be several Cities away from you, but I think each County has one.
They have lists of possible helps.
You may not think there's any helps, but if you persist, maybe there might be....it might be you need to get to talk to the right person who answers the phone that day.
Not all workers know everything, or even enough to get by at their jobs--often volunteers.
Be persistent in calling Agencies back.

Even if you have to call the Suicide Prevention hotline--tell them what's going on.
Tell them you're at your wits' ends.
Tell them you are in need of protection, and don't know what to do.
Tell Social Workers the same thing.

It all adds up to a paper-trail that shows you are consistent in telling them the same data, and the picture is, you need help/protection.

Even those who think they have no help or assistance, usually do, -when- they determine to get that help.
It might not look like what you imagined--and it might be small helps at first.
It might be that they leave your folks where they are, & find you a safer place to be.

Please keep trying to find the helps you need!
Please keep us posted!