At wit's end: my partner is the only child (60 yrs old) of a 95 yr old woman with significant psych problems: has been hospitalized for breakdowns, once laid down behind the wheels of our car because we wouldn't stay for tea. Now she is dying of CHF and severe aortic stenosis, lives an hour away. We hired excellent caregivers so we could continue to work: one caregiver was taken away in an ambulance. The second was fired. The third is wonderful, but she totally has my MIL's "number:" my MIL whimpers and cries that she's dying so we rush there, and when we leave, she acts totally normal. We thought for sure she was dying last night, and right after we left her house, she popped up off the couch and went UPSTAIRS to bed. MIL is apparently chasing her caregiver around the house to keep her from talking to my spouse; she tried to grab the wheel of the car in heavy traffic and began hitting the caregiver when she wouldn't comply.
My partner is being played like a violin; she's exhausted. MIL lies to her constantly, and partner takes the bait. It's killing her, and killing our marriage. MIL is seriously disturbed and will be a danger to everyone around her, including herself. I'm at a loss about what to do. Help.
Psychopaths don't suffer from delusions, though, and many are highly adept at 'pretending' to think in the same way as normal people.
New research has uncovered that manipulative, callous and sometimes violent behaviour could actually be hard-wired into psychopaths from birth. Maybe your husband needs to take a step back for a bit because she is truly manipulating you both. Maybe if you both didn't come running everytime she decides to do this, she just may get it. Have you considered putting her into a facility where they can better handle these outbursts with her. Sounds like one on one is just too much. Her getting all wound up like this can't be good for her CHF either. I hope it helps good luck.
If she's been violent with someone, she needs to be placed in a setting where her behaviors can be dealt with (like a dementia unit if you can find one that will accept her). She's dangerous to live with. What if she picks up a knife the next time she lashes out at her caregivers??
MY 89 YEAR OLD HUSBAND IS SENILE , CAN'T REMEMBER ANY NEW INFORMATION AND CAN REALLY GET GRUMPY ABOUT IT BUT IF HE WAS VIOLENT IN ANYWAY, HE WOULD FIND HIMSELF IN A MENTAL HOSPITAL. LIFE IS TOO SHORT TO LET SOMEONE MAKE YOUR LIFE MIISSERABLE.
this then u have to take responsiblitiy for it instead of writing about it.
That asked, the MOST important thing YOU can do for your wife initially is to SUPPORT HER ! She is most likely distraught at her mother's behavior and paralyzed as to a decision. You can't be of help to her in bringing about a solution if you become part of the problem by scaring her about the state of your marriage or annoying her to make a decision on her own.
As a married couple with a troubled family member, the two of you should be making a decision as a unit. In order to do that, you need to understand the scope of what you're doing with. Sure, MIL seems to have some physical health issues. But, beyond that, you think she is "psych". Has she ever been evaluated for impairment? Get her to a neuro psychiatrist and have her examined.
Folks here have suggested Hospice although I think they mean nursing home or locked dementia facility. Hospice is generally for people who have been certified by their doctor to have six months or less to live. This diagnosis (which includes a lot of wiggle room as it is subjective) is what makes a person appropriate for hospice.
But assuming you and your wife are her only relatives and you have POA, if she is evaluated as impaired, especially if the doctor is willing to diagnose "organic affective disease" (which pretty much makes them eligible for a locked dementia facility due to either wandering, combativeness, etc.) and if her objection fell on deaf ears because of her condition, you would be able to place her in a facility. Be aware, if she squawks too loudly, any doctor or facility is a mandated reporter,
and they would have to turn in a complaint. The best thing you could do at that point is getting an elder lawyer and filing for conservatorship.
If you don't have to do that, it's a lot easier. Court is expensive and ongoing paperwork filing requirements would be in place. Plus, some states don't allow a family conservator. There would have to be a court appointed, paid conservator. Ouch !
Your wife loves her mother and wants to do the best by her, but likely can't conceive of seeing her in a nursing home. Maybe you came here to get enough opinions weighing in on that side of the scorecard so you could convince your wife that it would be the right thing to do if all these other people with experience think so. It's a good idea and worth a try but typically each person thinks their situation is unique and it is to some degree. I think you can tell from the posts here however, that the situation as you describe it has already gone too far. Action must be taken but you really need to find out about her psychiatric and physical health. Knowing those should help you proceed rather than stumbling around in the dark.
In the meanwhile, realize that a lot of men can be more detached from a situation like this than a woman and that is not meant to be a sexist comment. If you factor in that and the fact that the woman is not your mother, you can even more easily detach yourself from the caretaking and pretty much leave the majority of the worry and responsibility to your wife, which will only stress her further.
PLEASE, support your wife by participating in the care and decision making of your mother in law. Help by researching and providing information to your wife which will help the both of you make a decision that will strengthen your marriage, NOT kill it
Egads!
This sounds too close to what Mom did here!
Bless you for trying---in retrospect, I shoulda never caved in for Mom begging to come live under our roof, -no matter what I had promised- decades back, nor who I promised that to--the price we paid was FAR too high!
Dealing with mentally ill elders sliding into dementia --that they have mental ills already, makes it VERY hard to tell the diff between the mental ills and the dementia.
WORSE, because they often skate thru life avoiding diagnosis or treatment, they have developed real sharp skills at "showtiming"
They can, with skills honed for a lifetime, BS the Docs, other relatives, etc., for hours, sometimes days, showing them what a nice lil' ol' lady they are, & surely there must be something terribly wrong with their kid for having them evaluated?!
'Why, you can see there's nothing wrong with me [the sweet lil'ol'lady]; I'm terribly worried about my daughter though, it's not normal for her to make crazy reports like this, is it? [eyes look from under eyelashes, even fake tears, frowns of worry, slight tremor...]...'
You probly get that picture.
==ANY time someone gets physically violent, call 911, make an official report.
==ANY time someone threatens suicide in any way [like laying behind your car wheels as you tried to leave?!]--call 911 and file an official report--like, if you have a cell phone, call right there from the car while she's carrying on.
==ANY time an elder assaults you while driving, stop the car. Do your best to call 911 and get help--even by the roadside.
Getting the picture?
==All these kinds of files start showing officials what your Mom is up to.
THOSE are about the ONLY portion of possible protection you have as a caregiver, against any threats the elder or anyone else, might make upon you.
Persons with mental ills, as well as dementia, up to a point, also need to be responsible for their actions.
It's really hard to get them to do that.
But professionals manage to do it somehow...
Truthfully, I failed that with Mom--she'd never take responsibility for her choices & actions--the worse she behaved the less she'd even fake or try at all to be accountable for her actions.
One tool of Therapeutic Communication failed to work with Mom--that was, "identifying her behaviors, then saying how I felt about them to her"--that might work on sane people, but for certain types of mental ills, it simply fails to register--and likely will totally backfire.
The targeted person says: "You just hit me, that's abusive, I don't like it!"
The mentally ill person may respond loudly "YOU are abusing me! Stop it!"
===That could go terribly wrong for a caregiver!
They too often refuse to register that someone they hit says "OUCH! that hurt me!"
NOR will they hear "STOP!" if they are really riled up and throwing a fit
...any response at all, seems to help them escalate--sorta like a mad dog in a kill-frenzy in a chicken coop.
Getting the picture it's past-due to get her into some sort of care-home?!
You have an edge: you do -not- live under her roof.
You can call the local sheriff office to have "Well-checks" done weekly, monthly.
Also, as someone stated above, instead of you responding to her trying to get you all lathered into her drama, call 911 to come get her, instead.
A couple or few times of that, she'll start getting the message...
OR, she will widen her options to suckering the ER staff as far as she can manipulate them [not very far!]
In any case, she may either end up in psych ward,
or get transferred into a care home or NH
--and you didn't take one more step into her drama to get it done, that way.
Whatever you and your partner choose to do, maintain a unified front when it comes to your elders.
The 100% favorite game is to play divide and conquer upon any 2 or more people trying to provide help to the mentally ill person.
The second any few people allow her to drive ANY -even the tiniest-wedge between people caregiving them, they Gotcha--and they proceed to destroy the relationships of a lifetime.
I've seen that too many times, and experienced it--our "family" no longer plays nice in the sandbox together.
Mom managed to tear me out of her herd--which is exactingly what she had threatened at the beginning, not too long after she moved in with us.
She also said she had the right to epic rages--after all, it's her home too, so she's allowed to rage.....
What she failed to understand, was that rule does not apply to rages and abuse...those are not allowed..expressing anger, discussing rationally--that is what that rule is about--mentally ill people cannot manage that very well, if at all...
Demonstrations of rage, abuse, acting out in dramatic ways--those are calls for help, alright---but not the help the mentally ill think they need.
Get your Mom the help she needs---professional intervention and help--YOU cannot manage that--she's already got you, your partner, and some of those aids, whupped.
Once she gets 911'd to the ER, the next step is admitting her, because she cannot properly take care of herself alone, and has [on record] got rid of caregivers who try to help her stay in her home.
You give the go-ahead to move her to elder care facility of some level, and refuse, categorically, to allow her to move in under your roof.
Since you grew up dealing with her, it might be a good idea to get some counseling for you, too--to make sure you are well-equipped with better coping skills than Mom taught you while growing up.
Those of us who've been thru that mill, ALWAYS come out with some wounds and dysfunction. Please get some help to learn more about it, and learn as many more coping skills as you can, to increase the quality of your life, too.
Keep us posted!
I live with my 84yr old father, I had to move in with him as a result of my manipulative 85yr mother. My father still works, is loosing his vision, is employed as a ARMED guard, was a Volunteer Sheriff and has always been a "wanna be" cop. He has tried to assault me 5 times since I moved in. I have had to lock myself in my room, so many times, my cats are in danger since he doesn't like them, they won't go near him, they run away (HUGE INDICATION) of his aggressive behavior. I called the police and had them come over to look at the amount of gun, bullet, explosive materials he has in the FRONT room of the house. They took a report, I did not file an assault charge since I got away from him this time. A neighbor contacted his employer and reported they witnessed his abuse toward me and another instance of him using his gun acting as a cop. The employer took his gun away, this happened this last Saturday. He came up the stairs threatening me, if he gets fired I am OUT OF HERE. I am sadly not in the position to move I have a disability that I am in the middle of having surgeries to treat. He knows this, and he also was supposed to finance two surgeries, now who knows he is not offering to complete them now.
I believe he has dementia, he is legally blind, but drives to work and drives home late at night, all for this EGO trip of being a man in uniform or whatever.
He has not apologized, he sits downstairs when he is here like he did when I grew up, same schedule won't go to bed till 11pm, so I have to interact with him when he is here and it is always tense. I have contacted his doctors and they are trying to get him in do test his serotonin levels and hopefully get him on some psych meds. He has always been angry, hates women, LOVES men, treats people like he is some kind of god or king. He is a miserable old man, drives a crappy ford station wagon, abuses his daughters, wife, and even stoops to try to harm innocent cats.
I resent this Mother F'er and I would not shed a tear if he passed, he is a terror, creep, sick perverted maniac. I am waiting to see if his doctor can intervene, before it is too late.
he'll get to see what the REAL police are like. It's possible you could convince the officers to take him in on what's called a 5150 in California, a psych arrest, where he'd be committed for 72 hours under medical care for coo coo behavior. You could then go and have them put with the doctors so they could give him some cognitive testing.
I was interesting to see the real police, and the real confidence they have in their knowledge of REAL rights, as opposed to my fathers false sense of bravado only with women. He is sweet as sugar, and soft spoken with men, LOVES men? whats up with that?
It sounds like you're in a very bad situation, that could turn dangerous to your life, any time.
Not knowing how old you are....
but if you are also "elder", what's to stop anyone, you included, from calling to report him/your caretaker, as abusing/threatening you?
It sounds more like you are dependent on your folks allowing you to stay with them--putting them in the roles as "caretakers", even though you are younger.
It might take Adult Protective Services a thought or few, to wrap their heads around the situation of 80+ y.o.'s "caretaking" their adult kid, as they'd otherwise think the kid was the caretaker.
To do that, you must be in a firm position:
--have pictures of bruises, documented doctor visits where you showed them injuries or stresses caused by your Dad;
--have history of numerous calls to 911 about your Dad's attacks;
--have numerous calls to 911 about his weapons & behaviors with those weapons;
--time/dated videotapes or surveillance footage--somehow? to show recorded evidence of his aggressive behaviors;
--written statements from other witnesses;
--etc. hard evidence.
APS will also probly need proof you are disabled, & that you are dependent on staying under your folks' roof due to your health conditions, ==which places you as the elder being caretaken by your parents==.
The more hard evidence you have on either of them harming you, the better.
IMHO, it is hard to think of your being a Caregiver to them, since YOU are dependent on being allowed shelter there, due to your health issues that disable you!
Just thinkin'.
Please keep us posted.
I sure hope you keep safe!