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Hi everyone,


My grandmother turns 101 in November. She is living unassisted in a Level A facility. She does fairly well physically, although she is having more and more falls. My mom and I decided to move her to a facility that has round the clock care, and she will be sharing a room. My gran is extremely suspicious and paranoid, and we are dreading the move. She is quite far along in terms of dementia but has plenty of lucid moments. My mom is 75, and truly at the farthest point of caregiver burnout. I truly worry about my mom's health more than my grandmother, although both of them keep me up at night worrying. I live 2,000 miles away and have two kids in school, so I can't be there all the time.


Any tips for making this move a little easier on both? The new facility said they would move her, and we should check back in a week, but we feel that will be so traumatizing. Imagine strangers swooping in and removing you from your home with no warning, demented or not.


Thanks in advance for any advice!

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According to your profile, your grandmother has no medical coverage and is bankrupting your mother.

Your mother needs to take care of herself and her future. Grandma will get over being moved.
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Reply to BarbBrooklyn
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Geaton777 Aug 21, 2019
Truth!
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BaileyBoo, please note that elders will fall, that is what they do. You could have a room filled with nurses, aides, staff, and Grandmother would still fall.... it happens so quickly that it is impossible for someone to help her.

In my opinion, if Grandmother likes the current facility she is in, let her stay there. She knows the Staff, knows the other residents, and is use to the sights and sounds of that facility, especially the food.

Moving someone her age and also having dementia, that means a whole new transition. All new Staff to learn who is who, new residents to learn about, all those new sights and sounds of the facility, and what if she doesn't like the food, nor her room-mate? I think there would be much more worry and stress for both your Mom and for you.

Just food for thought.
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BaileyBoo Aug 21, 2019
Freqflyer, you are right - she could fall no matter what. Another main reason we are moving her now is because her current AL said as soon as she can't physically get herself out of bed and out of a chair she can no longer stay there. They are also increasing their rates based on a point system, and this month it went up $400. There appears to be no upper limit to how high the cost can go. My husband is paying for all of this in cash, and I don't know how much more my marriage can stand.

At least at the new facility she will be able to age in place, the cost is capped, and all medical care comes to her. No more visits to the doctor. The last time my mom tried to take her to the dentist she tried to punch my mother in the face while on the highway, and then she tried to jump out of the car. It was truly awful.
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BaileyBoo: Your grandmother's $ should be used for her care, not you and your husbands money. If she (GM) has no funds, get info on her states Medicaid program/ eligibility requirements as it sounds like she is moving to a nursing home.
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BaileyBoo Aug 22, 2019
She has completely outlived her savings. She is literally now penniless. And she is not a US citizen, just a permanent resident, so she has no Medicaid. She did have Obama care, but that is being dismantled. She's a cash only situation!
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She won’t remember meeting the roommate or seeing the room because we went through the same thing with dad. The reality of it is she will not like being moved. End of story, period. It’s just how they are because change is hard for anyone with dementia, let alone without it! So it’s best you all accept it as normal. Your mom should choose what of her mother's things can go to the new room and let them move her things. Mom can be there to introduce her to her roommate and settle her in. You are good to be thinking ahead because yes once she is no longer mobile, they will ask her to move. If this new place places less of a financial burden on you, then I’d say do it.
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God bless you for being a lovely granddaughter. I don’t have grandkids but if I did I would love someone as thoughtful as you are. Hugs! Best wishes for you and your family.

Barb always has great advice so I would take to heart whatever she advises.
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BaileyBoo Aug 21, 2019
You are very kind, thank you!
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Is the new assisted care she is moving too on the same campus and a part of the same facility of the one she is in? I ask because the new facility said they would move her and from everything I have seen that really only happens when they are connected not when changing from one "group" to another presumably competitor of sorts. If this is the case do they know her and feel it will simply make the transition easier if the family isn't involved for some reason? Experienced facilities often ask the family to stay away for the first week or two while the resident settles in feeling it will make it easier if they aren't constantly reminded of the change and desire to be "home" by seeing family members they previously lived with or saw daily but I think the family is usually in charge of the physical move when going from one home to another, even moving from IL or AL to MC on the same campus I remember a thread discussing the best way to make that change, as I recall many suggested a family member either taking them out or going to the dining room with them for lunch and a visit while the others moved furniture and set up the new room as close to being identical to the previous one as possible. Some LO's never new the difference and others simply accepted the change easily and never really complained because their routine didn't really change and that is often what helps them feel secure. Of course it sounds like the addition of a roommate may be a big difference making seemlisness a bit more difficult but unless there is a specific reason that sounds logical to you for you and your mom not having anything to do with the move or even see her for at least a week I'm not sure that's the way I would go. I would probably opt for some form of having someone do something fun with her while you and mom move her things and set up her new space to be as similar or feel as much like "home" as possible, maybe get some info or even meet her room mate and roommate's family ahead of time so there is a comfort level before GM moves in and you can circumvent or at least be warned about any possible issues ahead of time (one is hard of hearing and blasts the TV the other doesn't like TV, that sort of thing). If you spend a little time warming the room mate and family up to you and get to know them a bit it may make the adjustment for GM and RM easier, more comfortable. It's a long shot but if GM is a social person maybe you could find a way for them to become friends before the move is made so they aren't strangers. But back to the actual move, I would probably elect to be involved in the move, setting up the new space before GM is brought back there after lunch or a visit of some sort, visit the way you normally do (I wouldn't make a big deal about the change or even explain it necessarily unless she asks unless you know she does better when prepared in which case I would do that), say your goodbye's and then use the facilities guidance and not visit again for at least a week or whatever they suggest. But don't ignore your's or your mothers instincts either, you two know her best and shouldn't take a back seat to what even professionals think is best based on other patients, each of our LO's just like all people are individuals and have individual needs. Good luck with this, I have no doubt you are doing the right thing but that doesn't really make it any easier does it? You and your mom are so fortunate to have each other to lean on and support through this, make the most of that as well as your time with GM now that others are doing the physical care part.
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BaileyBoo Aug 21, 2019
Thanks - that's a good idea - to take her before hand to meet her roommate. It is a totally different facility, so it will all be brand new. Thank you for all the advice!
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They all seem to suggest that it would be easier but it's only easier for everyone but you Gran.

I would definitely not do it!

You or your mom should be with her during the move.

Like you said, how awful would it be to have strangers come and take you and put you in unfamiliar surroundings.

I'd say it would be Very Very Scary.

Even if she doesn't like the idea, you should let her know it's going to happen and be there when it does.
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I would not pay for your grandmother's care anymore. You are bankrupting you and your family's future. What if you and your husband lose your jobs? Where would you be then, you couldn't take care of you and your family, let alone your grandmother. Since your grandmother is here legally and has been for quite a while, she probably is eligible for Medicaid. Your mother shouldn't be paying for your grandmother's care as well, she is shortchanging her future too. Your grandmother needs a higher level of care and it sucks that she has to be moved. It sucks but do it sooner rather than later.
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I have to agree with you on having strangers move her. If she’s able, it might be helpful if she can pick out a few things that she wants with her at her new home. It may be a blanket or spread or something that she cherished. She will have limited room, storage, and closet space. So, choose carefully. If she watches TV now, then check on having a TV in her room. (You will probably need to supply and pay for cable or whatever service.). If she has a favorite chair, find out if that will fit.

I think it it would be wonderful if the home can help with the physical move, but I think you and your Mom could take her there. Parting is very difficult on both sides. Try to stay positive and not be upset or she will be also.

Many homes “recommend” a settling in time. Otherwise, the placed person can complain, cry, whatever everyday about everything without making any effort at adjusting. Knowing our Mother, we checked on her often for the first couple of weeks and then began skipping days.

Hang in there. It will get better. My Mother fought us for all she was worth about having to go to assisted living. Ultimately, she loved it. Loved the companionship. Loved the wonderful caretakers. We were there often. It was terrible to see other residents who virtually had no visitors.
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