How do I provide care to my narcissistic mother while protecting myself emotionally? - AgingCare.com

How do I provide care to my narcissistic mother while protecting myself emotionally?

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Today was the day from hell but it didnt' start out that way. It is my mom's 81st birthday and I gave her a handmade card which made her cry and a painting. I told her she is my best friend.

Then all hell broke loose. We went to the pain clinic to see what they can do to relieve her 9 level shoulder pain. She is on fentynl and hydrocodone. Not helping at all. They told us she called many times confused about which pills to take because her primary had prescribed a different strength vicoden. The nurse pract. said she wouldn't continue prescribing becuase she was afraid mom would overdose. Then mom went into hysterics thinking we were ganging up on her and how mean we were. She told me to shut up in front of the NP. The NP told her verbal abuse was not allowed in clinic. She told me she wished I never drove her there and that her meds were none of my business.

THe NP told her alcohol is not permitted while on narcs. I admit that a week ago, while the nurse was talking to mom that I chimed in and told her mom was drinking because i know it puts her in danger.

So, I've never felt so attacked. I was afraid to open my mouth all the way home. She said, oh, i suppose you're not going to talk to me, I said that I need to concentrate on my driving. Then at the driveway she said pretty moss roses,I said, I know what they look like.She was immedicately offended.

I ended up having to leave for my own emotkinoall safety. Now I feel guilty I left her there alone. I CAN"T DO THIS ANYMORE SHE IS JECKYL AND HYDE. I don't trust her, I'm afraid of her....I need to get another job. THis is way too stressful and I have fibromyalgia on top of it.

I told her I was going to get a job and she said, well I won't pay you your end of month check....She then said...you don't work that hard anyway. I started BALLING MY EYES OUT. Of course she can't say she's sorry.

Somebody please shed some light here. THANKS

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It is awful to be so hurt by someone you are trying to help and love. You can't save someone from themselves, but you can improve your life. Sounds like your mother has a lot of hurt in her that she is only too willing to share with you. Have compassion, but don't get sucked into the vortex.

Your mom might try acupuncture for the pain. My aunt had a "frozen" shoulder, painful and greatly limiting movement. Acupuncture was the only effective treatment.
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The medications are such a sore point for people. My mother felt that way about her Ativan. Anything that threatened her access to her drug of choice was seen as enemy. She could get verbally and even physically violent. If your mother has been on hydrocodone for a while, she probably feels the same about them as my mother did her Ativan. It was very hard to handle. You didn't do anything wrong.

The switching back and forth between good mother and wicked witch can be awful, I know. It is the most crazy-making thing in the world. If they were always bad, we could just say they were rotten. But when they're good most of the time, it can make us feel that something is wrong with us and the way we're reacting. The only way I have figured to handle it is to do what I know is right and walk away if my mother gets abusive. Sometimes mine will tell me she's sorry when she stepped over the line, but even then she'll keep the blame on me -- I made her step over it.

I notice you're mother is living independently. I am so jealous. :) It is great to be able to leave it for a while. Anyway... it sounds like you are doing everything right. It would be nice if their behavior didn't push every button we have, but we probably wouldn't be caregivers if we were that tough.
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