Any advice with protecting my ailing Mom from my mentally ill, drug addict sister? - AgingCare.com

Any advice with protecting my ailing Mom from my mentally ill, drug addict sister?

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ok. hello everybody! my name is mary. my mother is suffering from dementia, and is going blind and deaf. I live on my own. my sister refuses to move out of my moms house. My mother has been beaten by her. My mom refuses to stop it as well. my sister is 40 yrs old. I myself suffer from osteo/rheuma arthritis. I have begged my mother to make her leave, I have begged her to press charges. I live on ssi benefits, I cannot afford to go through guardianship/ or the whole process of executorship. Which I need to do. I have asked my mom to sign me as her power of attoeny, she wont sign anything. We have had adult protective services come out on her behalf because of my sister. I dont trust any of the people that live with her in her house. She still "manages" a boarding care and I know they are all confusing her and making her paranoid. Everyone she boards is in behavioral health (receiving ssi). Shes done it for years, But none of those people do anything to help her. She has one main caregiver I KNOW has been stealing money from her over the years. Everytime I talked to her about it, she would lash out at me and say that she doesn't care, and to leave him alone. Just like my sister. I have my own health, and raising a daughter to also focus on. what can I do??? I am the only one who has the mental capacity to do something about it. I got her life alert, I've tried making police reports, called adult services. She even fell once out on the street in the middle of the night because she was confused - and nobody helped her. her "helper" took her to the hospital. Even then I tried having her sign the papers for her care while there, she rfused. Please help me figure this out! please! I dont know step one! I know I have to remove my sister and her helper. But how??? I am so afraid of what is going to happen to her. I dont intend to take her whole life away. i just want her to be safe and protect her. It all feeels like so much

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This also sounds like an issue the County Health Dept. would be interested in. The tenant/homeowner laws (can't think what the accurate name is) usually state how many "heartbeats" can live in a rented facility. If the homeowner is leasing the house to your mother and she is taking County money from 15 people, plus your sister, plus the caregiver, plus herself, - that's at least 18 heartbeats in that house. That's GOT to be against all kinds of laws.

If there are drug users, I'm surprised the neighbors aren't calling the cops hourly trying to get that situation shut down. By the way, if your mother is accepting money and giving a service in return, then she is running a business. Perhaps not very well, but a business nonetheless. I'm sure she's not got licenses, proper sanitation, who feeds these people?, etc. All sorts of state and county laws are being broken here.

By the way, by taking her to the hospital, the helper DID help your mother. Just not the way you would have liked.

Start with your county agencies and make reports. Get that place shut down fast. Her neighbors will be so happy they'll probably throw you a party.
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Legally, if your mother is still competent to make her own decisions, then it is her decision to live this way.

Morally and ethically, of course you are upset. I would be to. But since you really can't do anything legally, since you do not have either POA or guardianship, you have one of two choices. You can continue as you are, calling the police and perhaps adult protective services, or another county or state agency that could step in and write violations or force changes legally (I can't imagine it is legal to rent the five rooms out to different people without a rental license for an example). Call the police on the drug users, call the police on your sister, etc. This will continue to cause you stress, heartache and worry. Or two, you could step back and allow your mother to live her life as she is choosing. Now, from the outside, for me, this seems like the right decision because it will allow you to regain your health and mental clarity to find some peace for yourself. However from your viewpoint, I'm sure you do not want your mother left in that situation and I do get that. But the reality is, that she is competent and this is the life she is choosing.

If I were in your shoes, I would make one final effort to get as many agencies and state or county services involved to stop what is happening (make arrests, evictions, etc.). And if mom still refuses help and wants to continue on, it's time to cut contact. All you will be doing is making yourself crazy with stress and worry.

Do this. Read your two posts as if your best friend had written them. Would you give her the same advice I am giving you?

Angel
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ok. maybe Im not making it clear. She isn't running a "business". she lives in a house. there are 5 rooms, 15 people. its a regular residential home with makeshift rooms. Everyones rent is paid by county to one person, my mother who then gives that to the actual owners of the house. The police go by there on a daily basis because my mom cannot function as caregiver anymore. the people call the cops on each other. They are in the garage at all hours of the night, doing drugs, bought and sold by my sister and her boyfriend. My mom had a minor car accident about 8 years ago, since then her capacity to provide basic adequate care has diminished. she has been given warning after warning from the city, from the house owners, and the police department.
However from what you have provided me as answers, I am supposed to just watch let everything my mother has get taken away from her. By the way, she cannot even pay the bills of the house correctly. They had a $1000 water bill, she didnt pay. when they shut off the water, the mentally ill people defecated in the backyard. My sister should have been helping her with that, but nope. she was using the back also! But hey, I need to take anti depressants because I am angry. I cannot do anything because she runs a business. I need a MEDICAL checkup for psychiatric issues? do not patronize me pamstegma.
I appreciate Rocknrobin and your answer did not make me feel like I had issues just because I had mentioned behavioral health. Insanity does not run in my family. My sister's psychosis is crystal meth induced; user since she was 17. I appreciate your answer Rocknrobin. It was helpful
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You need to find a way to let go, because your mother is running a business and your calls to APS can backfire on you. Get some antidepressants and see a good MD for a complete check up. Soon. Please.
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MissMary, This is easy for me to say because this isn't my family. But sometimes we need an objective 3rd party to set back, observe and comment. You can't fix everything. If your mom refuses your help and caring compassion, you can't make her be something she isn't. I feel your only other option is contacting your county health dept. They will be able to point you in the direction of an agency that could help. Perhaps Catholic Charities or an agency that can step in due to her self neglect. You need the advice of an attorney. See if there is legal aid in your area. There is help out there somewhere. But you need to take a deep breath for your own sake. You can do this.
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