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Recently my father, 87 , fell and broke his neck. His injury is serious however he was lucky and not paralyzed. The injury occurred two weeks ago, with my finding out today when I called my fathers cell phone to arrange a lunch date. My eldest sister answered his phone and I was then told what had happened.
Historical context: There has been lifelong conflict between myself and two older sisters (middle sister triangulates), I am the youngest. The conflict had escalated within the last six months. We all live in the same town. Regarding my fathers injury, the middle sister determined that I would not be called and told about our fathers injury because of her own issues with me. The eldest sister went along with the middle sisters decision. I have a close relationship with my father. There are no problems in our relationship, or with his current care. The issue is that I was not called when he fell and broke his neck and was hospitalized (they kept me from him and kept him from the comfort of my being their during a time when he could have passed away) and as it is he needed all family to be supportive.

I was on vacation when the injury occurred- which my father knew of, but my sisters didn't. My being out of the area was not why they didn't call me. Had they called me I would have returned immediately. When I returned to town I called my father for the lunch date.
Because of the behavior my two sisters enacted I am concerned that they will continue to try to keep me from having contact with my father. What legal rights do I and or my father have so that we can maintain contact and I can help to care for him?
The middle sister who triangulates lives with my father in his home, however her name is on his property etc. in the event he dies she will continue to have a place to live. With her name in the property she feels she has a right to exercise limiting my contact with my father.

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Do any of you have Power of Attorney for Dad?

No matter what middle sister "feels" she does not have the right to limit your contact with your father.

Where is your father now? Have you gone there to spend time with him? How did that go?
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There is no "legal right" to see your dad in that from preventing you from seeing him, your sister is not doing anything that's against the law.

Having said that, if you want to see your dad you should be able to. The easiest and least expensive way of doing this would be to appeal to your sister(s). They seem to be the gatekeepers. As distasteful as it may be to you, you may have to go through them if you want to see your dad. Ask nicely. Leave family dynamics out of it. Your goal is to see your dad, don't deviate from that goal. No family drama.

Another option would be a custody battle through the courts for guardianship over your dad. This could be nasty and very, very expensive.

I don't know what a "triangulate" is and I don't know why your sisters are preventing you from seeing your dad but if you can keep it just about your dad and your desire to see him without engaging in any family drama I think that would be the best way to approach it.

I would imagine that your dad isn't mobile at this time so you would have to go to him to visit. If your sister is lurking around just concentrate on your dad and having a nice visit. He's very vulnerable right now and it sounds like your sister is taking advantage of that. Rather than fighting with your sisters just keep your eye on your goal which is to see your dad.
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I saw my father yesterday. And as long as I follow the text notes of the middle sister she will "allow" me to have contact with him. (What a joke.) She refuses to see me face to face , and with that she avoids discussion of her own actions.

The eldest sister informed me that they (sisters) decided that since I had not included them in my wedding (last year) they would not include me in family affairs-- e.g. Dad's injury. (Paraphrased)
Note: husband & I chose a quiet surprise wedding with only our adult children, their spouses and grandkids. It was lovely. It was what we wanted. His family was ecstatic when they heard. My sisters, not so. Years of family histrionics were part of our decision to have our wedding held with our blended kids only.
The sister decision with regard to my father was retaliation set in motion by the middle sister who is narcistic and well versed at putting herself in the middle, aligning with either sister on either side of her and then doing a character assassination of the other. (Triangulating). This is a lifetime behavioral pattern for her and a no win for the entire family. Have suggested family counseling / mediation in the past and she refuses , She cannot be accountable and instead blames everyone else for what has transpired, and avoids. Now she has stepped it up to include an ailing father.

It is important to note that my fathers level of care is not an issue, it is the purposeful with holding of his health information and keeping me from him. It is also important to note that there is no basis other than sister conflict for her actions.

I appreciate your input.
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Power of attorney question: my father requested my elder sister and her husband to become power of attorney jointly. Dad apparently sees that the middle sister who lives with him should not be in that position.
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Why would your father not have mentioned to your sisters that you were away on holiday? Is it not more probable that the three of them together discussed whether or not to contact you as an emergency, and decided that on balance it would be better not to?

I myself find that phrase "we didn't want to worry you" more incensing than almost any other - with the possible exception of "we're only trying to help" - but oh my goodness it is such a common one.

Stepping aside from how terribly upset you must be feeling right now, having just had this news and feeling shocked that you hadn't been informed at once: do you believe that the middle sister would intentionally prevent you from seeing your father against HIS wishes? Really, do you? And that your older sister would go along even with that?

I'm sorry that you've come home to this upset and worry. Hope your dad continues to recover well.
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Continue to see your father and offer him comfort. It is very possible he will go to a nursing home, at least for some rehab, if not permanently. Ignore the histrionics and bad kharma. Concentrate on Dad. Try to be at his bedside when the MD does his rounds so you get more information.
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CountryMouse: my father broke his neck and had head trauma and was in a state of confusion, placing himself back historically to the 1960's. he was in no mental state to know what had happened to him, where he was etc. and to address your question- to even recall I was on holiday.
With regard to my sisters -- they told me it was intentional, it was a retaliatory act. And yes, the older sister went along with the middle sisters wishes because she is somewhat disabled and dependent upon her for companionship. it is complicated.
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Pam- I am doing and have been doing exactly as you have stated. The problem is-- he is home now. And middle sister lives in his hime and is controlling and doing all she can to keep me from him. I am seeing an attorney in Monday for advice, legal.
I had a right to know of his injury, I have a right to be kept updated on his medical condition. And changes.
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You will spend $300 an hour with the attorney who will tell you that under HIPAA laws, you have no right to information. He will also tell you that if it is her home (check the home ownership at city hall) she has complete right to privacy and can refuse admittance to anyone. Sorry. Facts is facts.
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Sister3, you say that middle sister lives with Father "in his home." If the home is not owned by her, that should make things a little smoother for you.

I think it is a good thing to be consulting a lawyer. Know what your options are and how to respond if the meanies try to keep you from your father. I suspect that you could easily have your father sign a HIPAA waiver so that doctors could talk to you directly. You don't have to have POA for that to happen.

I somehow doubt that you can force your sisters to communicate with you (but do talk to the lawyer about that). Certainly they should have told you of the injury, but that is my moral perspective, not a legal one.

If middle sister truly is narcissistic, I think she is a lost cause. Learn to work around her; don't expect her to work with you. Is there any possibility you could mend your relationship with Sister1? Be very careful not to try to alienate her from middle sister, but just try to reestablish sisterly bonds with her? Would she like to join you and your husband for dinner some night? Do you have a scrapbook you could look over with her and see if she'd like copies of any of the pictures? Does she have one you'd like to see? If you come across a cartoon she'd like, could you send her a little note? Don't make your contacts directly about Dad; just try to be friends.

I'd love to find out what you learn from the lawyer.

Good luck to you!
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Ahh, triangulation and in another family of three girls. I have always told my kids do not stop having children at three girls. In my case I am the oldest, taking care of Mom with AD and her hubby, general age related decline, with prostate cancer and starts of vascular dementia. There is four years between me and youngest. Middle sis is a narcissist, most definitely. However, our dynamic is a bit different and always has been. Youngest sis is pulled into middle sis drama, or youngest sis and I get together to get at middle sis. Never oldest and middle on youngest.

They claimed that I was trying to keep them from my mother and her husband. Finally got a guardian for Mom and she has learned very well about the issues in my family. Youngest sis and I are cordial to one another, middle sis the less I hear from her the better. She will visit Mom occasionally for ten or fifteen minutes, then will be off galavanting somewhere.

Her perception of me trying to keep her away is actually the furthest from the truth. What she doesn't like is me telling her what times are best to visit, and what activities are appropriate. These are things that are difficult for the non-caregiving siblings to comprehend. That seem to think that Mom and hubby are very capable of doing everything they could five years ago, and that is simply not the case.

Have you, sister3 ever offered to care for Dad for a weekend so sister can get away? If my sisters were to offer this could be the best gift they could ever give me.
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Sister3, it is complicated, isn't it.

I wonder, are there any ground rules in place about who needs to be told what about what's going on with your father? It's this word 'retaliatory' that's going round in my head: your sister appears to believe, genuinely, that she has some kind of grievance that justifies her behaviour. (No, of course it doesn't, but that's not the point.)

I'm just thinking, if you can direct her attention away from this grievance and - no doubt - others, and concentrate it on your father's welfare, and get everyone to agree a protocol for communications; then at least there would be a system in place for your older sister to lean on if she ever came under similar pressure in the future (God forbid).

It's a matter of getting her to put your father first. By the way, said very gently, so should you. My siblings get up my nose big time, too, I'm not criticising, but your hostility to middle sister does come across - I'm not suggesting there aren't very good reasons for it, all I mean is, do all you can to contain it so that you can ignore her more easily and not get distracted.

How is your father doing? Where is he being cared for at the moment?

Re-reading your post, taking it literally, this bit: "Regarding my fathers injury, the middle sister determined that I would not be called and told about our fathers injury because of her own issues with me."

Well, now. As I say, taking that literally. That's disgusting. Obviously. But the thing is, it's SO obvious that it's disgusting that there is nothing to be gained by hoping to take your sister to task over it. She should be ashamed of herself, but as you suspect she is childishly thinking 'well I did that because she did blah blah blah'. The better option is to put that incident to one side and see what you can do to start things afresh from here.

So what do you think: any possibility of working on new ground rules?
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Dear Sister3; You and several others have mentioned triangulation, which occurs in a situation in which three individuals are together in a situation and it ends up somehow feeling like it's always the same two against the one, in an unhealthy way. I am the eldest of three children, the youngers are both brothers. We are now 61, 58 and 50. We had a somewhat sad childhood; middle brother was chronically ill with a variety of things and was always the center of attention. There was a series of dying grandparents and lots family secrets. Now that mom is old and frail and in NH, Brother 58 and I (he's POA, I make medical judgment calls) and we decide when to call Brother 50, depending upon the severity of the situation. He lives a 5 hour drive away, has the youngest children, two of whom are emotionally fragile and need ongoing care. Yes, Brother 58 is often pissed at Brother 50 for not simply coming up more often, or calling, or sending a card, or calling us. He tells us that we're doing a great job and that he's so glad that we know what we're doing (we don't, we just make it up as we go along, like the rest of us). We would not have called youngest brother in the scenario you described. Not because of our 'issues', but because no earthly good would come from you rushing back. Our (my) philosophy is that when you have an elderly parent, you treat every visit as though it might be the last one and make sure that all the focus is on parent, not on oneself. You make sure that you would have no regrets if parent passed the next day. You bury all hatchets with your siblings. If you never want to see them again after the last funeral is over, that's fine. Leave the drama for then. I don't mean this to sound harsh; this is just my experience of how you handle these kinds of situations.

And yes, I like CM's idea of working on new ground rules, possibly with a neutral third party present. This job that all of you have is only going to get harder; not fighting with your sibs in the process makes it a little bit easier.
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Offer to take care of your father for a few days or a week every so often so your middle sister can have some respite from taking care of your dad. I assume your sister is the day to day caregiver. It would be a win-win situation for both of you and maybe help rebuild the relationship between you and your sister.
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Sorry about your situation. Makes me glad I am an only child.
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I just actually though about what I wrote. Still on pain meds. This has got to be very emotionally upsetting for you. I didn't mean to belittle your situation. That was a serious injury for your father and that was just hateful they didn't tell you about it. It's just that about 2 yrs ago when I realized that my mother had to come live with me I moaned and groaned and cursed God for making me an only child and how fortunate others were to have siblings. I never thought that one day I would actually write that I was glad I was an only child. Things change, and maybe the hearts of your sisters.If for just the sake of your love of your father, start "killing " your sisters with kindness.Instead of the anger they are expecting from you try kindness and graciousness, that will throw them off center, if this will help to get you included in the information "loop".
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I am so sorry for you and what you are going through. I don't even see my mother any more do to my other sisters. They don't live with her but tell her a bunch of lies about me and my brother. When I did go see my mother she would confront me with the lies she has been told. I would they become very angry and an argument would pursue. After awhile I would stop my mother from repeating what she had heard...tell her I don't want to hear about it because I was not going to fight. My mother would say "It was the fighting that kept her going" After a few times of being set up with lies and reacting to the lies....they would point their fingers at me and say look how she acts. Good luck with your dad. From my experience with that stuff it just going to get worse. I just feel I am doing what is best for my 93 year old mother. Trying to give her some peace in her last days.
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Interesting question: I spoke with two lawyers about my own issue with this problem (Interviewing attorneys for conservatorship to see how they'd pursue "order of conservatorship" elements as legal remedy). My mother's estrangement from me evolved into her being kept hostage (physically and financially). One of the attorneys I interviewed commented that this is elderabuse and a crime. And mentioned that any financial misuse of mother's resources can be subject to restitution into her estate.

My recommendation is to obtain legal counsel and get a suitable conservatorship case going - it CAN be shared between capable adult children. Do not delay. Do not hesitate. Otherwise, any court battle could be more difficult.

You are being bullied, just like I am. And my mother being bullied, too. Good luck
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Triangulation.

OK, now I get it. How have I gone 45 years and not heard this term??

I thought it had something to do with outer space or rocket ships or something.

Learn something new everyday.
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I thought it was Geography! :)
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More than $380K was removed from my parents estate in the past decade, and my mother's chronic conditions are not being medically treated. Getting legal counsel is an investment in your parent's wellbeing and quality of life. Don't permit a siblings' power struggle (i.e. "Triangulation") to deter quality of life for your parent.
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CM, it is also geography and has to do with how GPS system entry to find location from a minimum of three satellites. Triangulation.
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If your father is mentally able to do so, HE needs to talk with the sister who lives there with him and tell her to communicate with you. Ask your father about being designated as POA.
Also I agree with Jeanne, you need to try and have a relationship with the sister who lives with him. Likely she has a load on her shoulders since she is there all the time - be concerned about her situation - not just what she is doing for your dad. It might make for less friction.
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Try, yes, I agree. But given this particular sister's modus operandi, if ice-breaking doesn't work, just go around her. Try not to let her suck you in and get you down.
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Thank you to each of you who have responded. Each of you have made valuable points.
I am not and will not get drawn into drama or recriminations with them. I keep all texts and voicemails, which have a nature of attempts to goud me into argument. I am not biting that hook. I am focused on my dad, being present for him, grateful for any contact I may have.
I am very grateful he didn't die from his injury, and will support him in any manner that I can.
My two sisters are trying hard as they might to limit and control my contact with him, because they say their choice to "out me" makes me not part of his care team.
Day to day, moment to moment. I cope.
The initial shock of their actions regarding excluding me from knowing he had a critical injury and was hospitalized literally broke me for about 24 hours. I have regrouped and am stepping forward with a business perspective: the business at hand is care and comfort of my father. Period.
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Good for you, Sister3. Best wishes for his recovery.
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Godspeed and quick recovery!
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You have an absolute right to see your father, so I would forget about the time lost on the vacation and visit your father daily. Secondly, get to know his doctor and find out from the doctor what are dad's prospects for a fully recovery from such an injury at age 87. Then figure out how you can help dad through this recovery and the rest of his life. Things are changing for him in a big way.
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You could inquire about elder mediation services. Sometimes involving an unbiased third party can help to resolve this type of conflict. If you make this suggestion and it is not accepted them calling adult protective services in your county and ask for an investigation and have the suggest mediation. Sometimes having someone ask questions as part of a legal investigation helps family members recognize they are behaving on an immature way.
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As I read various posts on this board, I realize that I'm rather fortunate at this stage in my mom's life that I'm an only child. I think when one is alienated from a family member at this stage in their lives (when a parent needs caretaking and support) it's very difficult to mend fences.

I don't know if your sister works, but the fact that she lives with dad means she's doing more than her share of caretaking for him. Even though she probably gets a place to live at little or no cost, she may still resent that she's there 24/7 while YOU, on the other hand, are on vacation. (I'm not being critical in the least; just trying to see it from another perspective.)

How much do YOU help your dad? And thus your sister? Do you occasionally bring over a casserole for dinner once a week combined with your visit? Offer to take him to doctor appointments? Offer to take him to your house for a few days (or "the day") so your sister can have some peace and quiet?

Have you done some research for respite care for your sis? Provided her with some resources for help in the home? Does she need it? Do you come off as appreciating what she's doing for dad? Or do you think she's well paid because she has a place to live?

If I were you, I think I'd be ignoring the fact that your sister didn't call you. Perhaps simply tell your other sister that you sure would have appreciated a call. In the meantime, actions speak much louder than words. Try to find ways to be helpful to your sis. Without actually saying something, try to mend fences.

I'd say it's probably a sure bet that, should you say, "I'd like to come over to see dad Thursday afternoon and bring dinner for the two of you," she'll probably faint dead away and appreciate the gesture. After bringing them a SPECTACULAR casserole, fresh bread, salad in a Ziplock with a couple bottles of dressing for them to choose from...as you leave, say, "Mind if I do a repeat NEXT Thursday?" I'm pretty sure your sister will begin to mellow out.

Just my two cents. I'm reading a lot between the lines here. But I also realize there's two sides to every story.
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