How do you protect your mother from her favorite grandson?

Call Adult Protective Services and make a report. They do not divulge the identity of the caller. Do any of you have Power of Attorney? If you do, cancel the credit card (I'm sure he is using it for his cigarettes too), and Adult Protective Services can give you advice on how to get him out of there. But then you will need to hire care or put her in a care facility. I hope that helps.

You can also bring charges against your nephew as he is basically stealing your momma's money and ruining her credit. Where is your nephew's mother of father??? In my book, they are as culpable for your mother's fiscal predicament because your nephew clearly has cognitive and development issues.

Go the APS route. She is the victim of financial elder abuse, and she is unable to protect herself. I'm surprised that the bank is letting her run that big of an overdraft!

You also need to think about who will care for her when you do get him out. She enjoys his company, and would be lonely if he were gone. What can you do about that? Good luck.

Irratated -
Just a little sympathy here for you. This is going to be a very difficult process, with your mother, nephew and brother resisting all the way. If there is anyone who can back you up, like a clergyperson or close friend or business person - banker or insurance or accountant? - please get all the help you can.
God bless you.

Yes I have been a care giver and I know how hurtfull it is to be criticised, that is why I have let it go on for so long. In April mon asked one of my sisters to go to the bank with her to get a handle on the overdraft fees. While they were there they saw playstation charges and World of War craft. My mother told the bank to close out overdraft and to cancel the debit card. At that time she started to use a credit for food purchases. Then in August she asked me if I would help her with the overdraft fees. I took her to the bank and her debit card was still being accessed on line for playstation charges. I have been going through her bank statments and cred card statement this week and her credi card balance is 17 thousands dollars mostly overdraft loans and fees. The bank asked her if she wanted to file a fraud case and she said no she didn't want to make an enemy of him...

If it is none of my business then fine but am I committing elder abuse by sitting back and letting her health fail and go bankrupt?

So you have 3 other siblings? Perhaps get together and flat out tell favorite grandson to get out or you will bring fraud charges against him. This is elder abuse in a non-physical sense. I would call Adult Protective Services and they will investigate him thouroughly. Maybe that will scare him off. Is she in dementia, or just making poor choices? I would get her a good physical and neuro work-up to determine this. If not in dememntia, she could assign POA to you or any other sibling. If she is mentally incompetent, then you have to go to court to file for guardianship and conservatorship. Another thing, your brother may think it's OK for his son to live with your Mom, but I would tell him you want him out due to the financial abuses, and then make arrangements with your other siblings to participate in your mother's care.

Take your mom to an elder lawyer. S/he will let you know right away weather a competent signature will be accepted from your mother. Sometimes you can't see it yourself you need a third party. But better a lawyer than a doctor because the lawyer may accept a signature and then you're all set. You just need 2 documents, a medical POA and a financial POA, both durable to start immediately and continue through incompetency, should that occur. If your mom owns her house, there should probably be a trust to avoid probate. The lawyer can help you with that too. You should go in presuming the lawyer would accept her signature and not refer to her poor judgement, which just maybe love of her grandson rather than dementia. Let the lawyer tell you if he doesn't think she should sign. In other words, don't ask.

Before you go to the attorney, if your mother is hesitant about doing POA's, remind her of what happened to the bank with the charges and just explain to her it's the only way you can will have the authority to control the situation. After you get the POAs, if you do, you can then gather information, confront your nephew and his parents and make some agreements. Maybe he COULD stay there and take care of her to keep her at home, but medical services will pay for visiting home nurses to come to monitor things such as high blood pressure and diabetic blood sugar. If she gets supervision in that department, and he is told about her dietary needs and doesn't comply, that's a different issue. If he has no access to her money to buy fast food, then she will already be eating better. Consider what you would have to pay a home caregiver for 24/7 care before you rule out having him stay. Your mom is comfortable with him there, and if he is willing to clean up his act, he could be a good choice to care for her as she continues to age.

keep us informed how things are going your experience will help others who have problems like you do and do not know where to turn for help

I agree with all that CarolLynn recommended. We went through the same thing with my niece. Take her to an attorney who deals with the elderly. They can do the POA, both financial and medical. Also, put the house in a trust.


I was in a similar situation where my mom raised my niece and nephew. The niece had three children and when she moved out she left one of them there so that my mother, who has dementia, could raise her. The niece often left the other two children there. It was a very abusive situation. My niece stole from her, ruined her card, charged her own home’s electric and phone bills on my mom’s checking account and used up $4000/month using my mom’s debit card.
We filed multiple reports with APS, but my mother always told them that there wasn’t a problem and they went away.
My niece forged checks, I filed reports with the police, and since my mother wasn’t willing to press charges it did no good.
Through all of this, I did have POA. This issue was that my mother still needed money to spend for groceries and her bills but couldn’t be relied upon to reign in my niece. Plus, my niece would blackmail my mother and tell her that she would take the great grandchild away if my mother didn’t give her what she wanted.
It was a slow process but we prevailed.
The first thing is that someone needs to be made POA. Both my sister and I are for my mom.
Then, we closed the old account, and we opened a new one with my mother’s name on it and mine. This way, I could log onto the computer every day and see if anything was being charged on it that shouldn’t be. If you talk with the manager at your mom’s bank they will work with you. The moment I saw a charge on there, I called the bank and told them that I did not authorize the charge and have it removed. I gradually closed the loop around the spending and had to eventually get my mom out of the house. She was living with my brother for a short period of time and is now living with us.
It is very hard to overcome this type of situation. Especially when the person is living in the house. He can eventually claim “squatters rights”.
Your mother needs to assign a POA (not the nephew) and she needs to fill out a will stating who will get what.

Sorry you are going through this. It was hell for us because none of us lived locally to my mom, except the niece.

This--and the stories people have added in their answers--is horrifying! I would immediately seek out an attorney and try to get guardianship. That way you can be control of the situation, monitoring health, finances, etc. And find some way to get the kid thrown out (preferably in jail).