Is there a professional person or organization that can convince my parents that they need to move into Assisted Living?

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My father has late stage Alzheimer's, and my mother is his mentally and physically exhausted caregiver, with health issues of her own. My siblings and I have put a deposit on an ALF, but we are making no progress in convincing my mother that she needs to move. She keeps coming up with reasons why she doesn't want to move - so we cannot get her to make that first step in the moving process. We have given up. We need the assistance of a professional who can convince her that this is the best thing for both of them. Does anyone have any direction for us? P.S. My parents are in Phila, and all the kids are living in different states across the country, which makes things even more complicated.

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Being so scattered geographically does make the process more difficult. Is there any chance that your mother has a friend who lives in AL and likes it? Would a pastor, priest or Rabbi be able to help? Could you talk to her doctor?
Moving companies that specialize in senior moves can be very helpful and compassionate, but she's got to let them in the door. Maybe you can just ask her to talk to a special organizational person who can help her get started? Moving is a dreadful ordeal for most of us, and for your exhausted mom, the whole idea of moving may be worse than the thought of living in AL. I'm just throwing out some ideas. Maybe others on the forum will have some suggestions. I know this is hard, but I hope you can convince her to move. Once she has some assistance, she may even like it. Good luck,
Carol
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We had the same problem with our mother. She lives in FL and we, her children, live in MI and CA. She had been sole caregiver for months for our father who was diagnosed with lung cancer. She ran herself ragged trying to take care him on her own. Because of our medical issues in our own lives we weren't able to get there to help her out until 2 weeks before my father passed.

She then had a knee replacement and then fell at the end of November and broke her hip.
Long story short, we tried for many months, during phone calls and when we were there with her, bringing up and discussing the idea of her not living alone. She was not open to the idea at all.
I went to visit and when I took her to a checkup with her doctor, I brought up the question to her doctor while my mom wasn't in the room and asked his opinion. Luckily her doctor is a very compassionate and caring man and spent a long time talking to her about his own family's situation and how his father had moved in with them. She wouldn't accept our opinion about her not living alone, but she was totally accepting of the opinion of her doctor.
We then gave mom a couple of days to digest what the doctor had said and she said, "Well, I guess I can't live alone anymore." We then talked about her options which included moving to MI with my brother, CA with my family or staying in FL and moving to an assisted living. We talked about her staying in FL and how far away from all of us she would be and then the options in both states and then gave her time to digest this information. Then, we checked out assisted living places in both states and let her look at the web sight.
She's now living about a mile away from me and my family in an assisted living place.
People of our parents' age really put a lot of stock in what their doctors say. I would suggest taking it slowly and discussing it over the phone with her and then visiting her and taking her or your father to a checkup and ask the doctor privately what they think and see if he/she would talk to your mom. Finding an AL place that they both could go to would be the very best option.
Another option would be to ask your mother if she would be willing to have a little break from taking care of her husband and see if there's a local facility for Alzheimer's patients that your mother would be willing to go visit. Tell her that if she likes the facility that maybe her husband would, too. Approach the idea that it might just be for a week or so but that she needs time to get her strength up. After she's had a bit of a break from all the demands of being sole caregiver, she might be willing to discuss other options like moving closer to one of you.
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CarolO ,

Here are a few articles written by our AgingCare.com Experts and Editors on how to convince your parents to go to Assisted Living.

How to Convince Your Parent to Move to Assisted Living
https://www.agingcare.com/articles/how-to-convince-parents-assisted-living-142136.htm

and

How can I get my Parents to Consent to Move to Assisted Living?
https://www.agingcare.com/Answers/how-to-get-elderly-parents-to-consent-to-assisted-living-112081.htm

Best of Luck,
Karie H.
AgingCare.com Team
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Thank you Karie and Carol, these are great suggestions.
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CarolO, is the idea that Mom and Dad would both move into AL?
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Have you tried out Live-in Caregivers?

We had great experiences with them, and allowed for our Grandparents to live in their home till they passed away.

Post on my wall if you want me to share suggestions on some Live-in Caregivers I have had excellent experiences with, otherwise sites like Care.com or Agencies can provide vetted care providers. Direct hires are less expensive, but must check backgrounds, etc.

If your parents have the financial wherewithal to be able to remain in their home and have Live-ins for their care and safety, then that should be an option they would welcome, I imagine! If finances are an issue and an Assisted living facility has to be in play, then you need to address and exercise Power of Attorney after a meeting with your Mom to advise Doctor and State/Federal-laws and regulations on Elder Safety and Care mandates move, if Live-in caregivers not an option.

Rule of thumb "Must have the mobility/judgement not previously hindered by illness or medications, to in theory be able to quickly exit home in case of a fire under their own power".

Not an easy task, my dear - all the best! Keep us posted!
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The resistance you might be experiencing might be due to a few things. Your mother might be struggling to accept that she and your father are getting older, their needs are changing, and caring for your father (as she committed to do on their wedding day) is becoming increasingly difficult, all resulting in the physical and mental health issues that come with caregiver burnout. Also, with a move to an ALF, your mother might feel that there will be a significant loss of control and independence to make her own decisions. With a move to an ALF, the burden of care for your father will be shared and the quality of life improved. Professional staff will be able to assist your parents as needed, reducing the difficulty and improving the safety when performing simple self care activities, like bathing. Most household duties will no longer fall on your mother's shoulders. Additionally, there will be improved socialization through living in the community and the activities available. The big barrier here is acceptance, and if that can be overcome, I believe your parents will be very happy with that move. Anecdotally, as a business owner and an occupational therapist for nearly 2 decades working in elder care, this is what I've seen with many of my patients and clients in similar situations. I hope this has helped in some way, and I wish you and your family luck with this challenging situation.
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