What happens in the process of calling a local AOA?

Hello all.

Glasshalful, I think the therapist would be quite wise. My energy levels have slowly bottom out at times, but I'm continuing to persevere. And because of that, I think I will do a search for a therapist in the new location who can do skype sessions. That way I would have one less thing to do when I arrive.

My doctor knows of my depression, but not that it's as strong as it is. I have some reservations about telling the severity it reaches, and have withheld so I can see a therapist about it when setup. She had given me a name and number of a Psych about 1hr away from where I am some years ago, but I had not been able to go there for reasons I won't mention here.

Terry parents are adamant about not being placed. I wish they would go, but even I have concerns about nursing care in this current exact location. The quality of things in this city aren't exactly stupendous, and the nursing facilities look abit worse for wear on their exteriors. If they ever wanted to go, it would have to be in a different city which has a good reputation for nursing care, hospital care, etc. For now they are at a no, and I'm too tired to push that further. It is what it is currently.

I'm quite sure my parents are internally petrified, and in denial of all that's happening to them, if they are still deeply aware. They are normal most days, but you can tell a difference if you've been around them along time like I. My brother doesn't seem to see it yet, but leaving the responsibility to him, he'll recognize trully what I've been dealing with, and not just the surface stuff. He may even do better than I since he has a lady friend who has no qualms about helping. I'm just praying for the best on this end while I continue on.

What do your parents say about entering a facility? They would both receive the care they need, it would be easier on them and they would have medical oversite 24 hrs. per day. When was their last full medical workup? Maybe there is something medical happening other than the obvious. It likely can be some dementia, depression or other mental health issue. The AoA can give you information on the options that are available to them in their community. Married couples have a right to share a room if they want to share a room. If they are able now, they should complete advance directives before they become mentally incapable of doing so. This will ensure their wishes for medical treatment will be honored and takes the pressure off of you and the family when it comes time to make medical decisions. The AoA can give you information on advance directives and caregiver services that could benefit you. Dealing with aging parents sometimes can be very difficult, especially if there is dementia involved. I see many people not doing for themselves so this isn't just something that's happening to your father. There are many reasons for not helping oneself and it is frustrating. Good luck.

SlaterVixenCare you have to make a plan and stay with it. Your parents have needs but so do you!

You need a councilor or therapist for you and will need someone when you do move...to help you through the doubts and depression that may kick in...years of trauma do not go away over night.

Have you talked with your PCP about depression? make sure you have back up and a plan for yourself. A local support group? etc.

Best for a calmer life with good memories! Find some new friends at a local senior center or house of worship.

We had the meeting and told again that I needed to move on. My parents and brother...I don't think anyone trully heard what I need, everyone kind of talked. We all talked. But parents would over talk me and I have to reverse it so I can be heard. In the end no one said and anything and my brother got on my about raising my voice at my parents. I just want to be heard. Is there anything wrong with wanting to be heard? I know this is not the place, but please listen to what your children are really trying to say sometimes. It means a lot to us to know we are trully heard and understood. I need to get my things finalized so I can finally move out. If i could legally get them off my birth records I would. But I have to move on on my own two feet, strong, and head held high to this next level.

To finalize, my brother will be here taking care of my parents, they don't want outside help, and I'm preparing to leave this karmic disaster behind and make good memories.

I'll probably do another update eventually, but i'll stop by now and then to read.

Agree with cmagnum that in your case, it could help to stop explaining and reporting to others. What about a therapist right now, not waiting until you move out?

Help yourself too, while helping "yourelf". Laughter, the best medicine.

Gaslighted? Don't try to convince anyone this is happening to you. It is for your own benefit to know, and trust yourself, you will know if it has happened to you. Just get yourself free. You can call APS after you move out. Find a friend, maybe someone who is a mandated reporter, they will make the call. Are you allowed to have friends come over? No wonder you are in a fog! Go spend a night at a friends house. You can start the move out safer if you get a small storage unit. Have you heard about "rumination?" One can wear themselves out just thinking it through and never be able to take any beneficial action on your own behalf. Keep taking steps everyday to help yourelf.

Why do people do this to others?

Well, foggy parents as I like to call them, hate to loose. For them, it is not important how they play their game as long as they don't lose. To an emotional blackmailer, keeping our trust, respecting how we feel, or being fair does not matter. The usual give and take of a normal, healthy relationship does not exist for them for it is all about them, what they want, and their getting what they want for themselves.

I doing a non related to the main topic update, but it's a bit of a personal breakthrough and is fueling my decision to try and leave even more right now. I was just looking through the forums and ran across the topic Elderly Parents are bullies. In this area, someone commented about searching up gaslighting and I said hmm what's this. I'm currently reading through an outoftheFOG site and someone is bringing into full light of this process and immediately I felt sick and started to tear u. It's a puzzle piece that has been missing for a very long time, and means I need to trust my instincts even more in this sensitive time.

Why do people do this to others? I'm just feeling some kind of way right now.

First I want to say thank you for everyone's who's giving advice and motivation. I am paying attention and really trying to get my head and body more in the direction that it needs to go in.

I've been packed since last month. If i can get myself moved out late this month (for practical reasons) or early June, I would leave with only necessities and one piece of entertainment. I have a large duffel I have pack and keep rechecking to make sure it would be too heavy, and an overstuffed bookbag that was filled with necessary electronics items (I had to unpack it because dad had an appointment to day). The entertainment item is something i need to figure out how to take with me. I don't want to seem very odd with a load of electronics and a fat bag. So I'm keeping a check on that end.

Home. While I keep low profile on still planning to leave, my dad is trying to rally things together. I'm in an honest wait and see on that. He has gotten himself into his wheelchair without using the sling (At point it could have gone wrong, but his arms are stronger than they were last year). I'm not comfortable with him doing that, but I decided not to stress myself worrying about what happens right now. I'm letting him do what he needs, and letting them figure that out, and I'm keeping my mouth as closed as I can. A uh huh and nod, and move on.

Brother is coming Monday for our family meeting. I'm interested in what may happen, but I need to be smart and keep an open mind, but still protect myself incase there may be a wrong.

Also keeping my head sane has been a struggle the last few days, because of some memories coming up. Whatever does happen, I know for a fact therapy will be my number 1 priority once something opens up more.

Vicky, I'm actually going to try again after this next week to tell them. But I do need to stand a bit stronger. Even though I crumbled a bit at the end before, I did surprise myself at how long I was able to manage in general. Once I get tired though, it's hard to keep my head up against the odds. Also I need to find a laundromat as I really don't know where one is around here. They aren't common in my particular location. It may be a drive, but I will keep washing until I leave.

I want to know. Let's say I stand up and do end up moving out. Is it possible to still call APS to do a check on my parents to make sure they are cared for? My brother said he would stay in my place if I should leave, but I have this inkling about that. I don't want make a "fulfilling prophecy" of anything horrible, but this year the gut, the intuition is definitely fired up and won't back down until I do something.

Also bless you all for your contribution, as I said I am reading and putting things together behind the scenes, and plan to do something this month.

How are you doing today? Don't panic or berate yourself for any reason.
Keep packing. Be safe and happy today.

That mold is nothing to fool around with. Do laundry at a laundromat, as suggested. You sound as if you need out of this situation badly. The Fear, Obligation and Guilt(FOG) that has built up for you is not good. Whether your help comes from the APS or the office on Aging, get help. You will never convince your parents to leave their own home. Been there done that. Find a suitable place, get brother to help them move and don't change your mind. Be firm about your decision. Let them know the decision has already been made. I would guess that you have POA or DPOA. If not, then either you or your brother need to have that in place. If he does, then I would pack and leave as planned. You have made your plans known. Do not back down!! Do not be mean, just firm. And lovingly assert yourself as their caregiver, which you are. They are giving it a 'last ditch effort' to make you stay by complying with your wants, needs, etc. This is in their best interest. And yours, of course, but as we age our emotional vision tunnels quite badly. They are not in tune with what is best for you as they once may have been in your single digit years!!!
Many prayers for your and your folks! Let us know how it goes!! We are with your decisions!

The laundry can be taken to a laundromat. It is a good way to get out, can you have a friend go with you, then get some snacks. All the laundry gets done in under two hours, once a week. It would be good for you to get out? By the way, you are making sense.

Do you have some nice clean boxes to pack up your room?
If you end up not going right away, at least you are organized.
Baby steps.

Compartmentalize the care-giving chores. Housekeeping, cooking is paid at a lower rate than actual care-giving and/or nursing. You can start by having help come in. This may ease your burden. If you were even able to do the lifting, transporting, bathing, errands, medications, or other needs, you would have to first be healthy and strong for this. If you are moving out, let the housekeeper call agencies for help. You don't have to ask or discuss anything. For example, you have every right to have a housekeeper come in for yourself. Try it once.

Each agency is different, with different roles and reporting obligations. I am thinking in your original question about A.O.A. and asking for calling them for help. You can call them.
If, however, you call Adult Protective Services, they will come out for an evaluation, and this would be the time to open the basement door. Calling them would be a last resort, because protocol requires they first send out the sheriff, police to inquire of your safety. Would it be better to plan to preserve your parents at home as long as possible by making it safe to live there? Someone else should do this, not you. Then help can be brought in. You are still free to leave anytime. If you leave, call Adult Protective Services to report they are alone and unable to care for themselves.

Take baby steps. Can your brother become your parent's "representative payee" for receipt of social security income? If this is done, he can set aside money to make the house safe to live in.
This is not a power of attorney, he can only manage their social security, and not other assets. He would go to the local soc. sec. ofc. with your parent.

Here is what happens when calling your nearest Area on Aging: Some offices are in or associated with the nearest Senior Center. They have services such as home delivered meals. These can be free, or a donation. They can deliver meals after a nurse or social worker comes to your home. Once they have explained the service, you can accept or decline. They are not intrusive and wont take over your life. They just know what services to offer. Let them come out. Close the door to the basement.

Can you move nearby, rent a room temporarily until you feel stronger?
Please don't feel you have to answer or explain this note. Take care of yourself, first.

I still say no more explaining, no more fighting because that is just gong to continue to drain you and trap you into giving into feeling everything is already determined and you have no choices. You have choices but they don't involve explaining or fighting. Your choices involve action, like leaving.

So what I've deduced is: My parents are fearing being abandoned, they don't want to lose their house, and they want me to do it only, and would rather I stay in general.

I cannot keep doing this a whole lot longer, it's not fair to anyone that this situation goes on, but I seem to be in my own corner about this. I've been so discombobulated about the dicussions (talking wears me out), that I've had to toss my plans to move aside and my confidence in it has dropped to the floor flopping like a fish waiting for water again. I'm feeling “Whatever happens, will happen” I get tired of the fight.

This is the first part of that : Hello sendme, I'll try and explain abit better up to the current point. I'm tired of staying here taking care of my parents, and since dad has been unable to walk since September of last year, I am the one caring for him phyiscally. Mom also helps when I get sick, but still needs me to assist because of arthritis in her hands that can flare up. My responsibilities are cleaning the house (vacuum, mop, clean bathroom dust), laundry (which is in the basement area), errands and doctors appointments, and passively entertaining. As of Late December last year the stress of the situation has made it hard for me to get everything done in a timely manner. That has caused some disagreements, talks about lessening what they pay (they pay me each month for what I do), and a lack of understanding of what I mean by tired. I can explain it all day, but it doesn't seem to reach them the depth.

Ok the post didn't work properly.

In December I had a bit of a breakdown and decided on my own that I needed to find a way to leave this house. So I started planning to see where I can live. I also realized that, even though our relationship (between parents) wasn't the best, I needed to do the right thing and find a way to get them help. So from February and March I did my home research, and in late March I asked here on the forums for help. I did the research and found numbers that can be called. I called AOA, and saw that the other numbers I needed to talk directly with my parents about. All these things require their information, and I really don't know much. So this April I decided to get the nerve up to gather my resources for moving, and to gather the information for their care and my thoughts into a 6 page letter. I took this and showed it to my mom, then we moved to my dad and that's when things went down hill.

From that point until today: The first day assertive, but dwindled into heated discussions about “abandonment, not discussing this with them (which was why I was there in the first place), and a downplay of my goals to move to a completely different state ( because they and my brother feel I'm not ready because of lack of experience). The last half was a “touching” discussion about accept of something unrelated that's personal to me and their pledge of support when they become able if I stay and help them further. Sunday was another discussion about what I planned to do (there's a lot of pressue on me lately since that) and I told them I need more than a day to think about this. Monday flate out refusal for me to call outside people for help. I mention earlier to you all about the basement. We've had flooding for a few years (total 4 I believe). There has been some damage, and I and my brother and some other had cleaned up these floods at alternating times. My parents refused to pay for professionals. It's possible to go down there now, but the walls and other things I cannot reach are growing mold in some places and that concerns me 1. I have asthma that is under control for now, 2. that can be a problem as the furnace circulates through the vents, 3. unsavory critters, and 4. If some how I got help here, It would not be fair to have a caregiver here knowing the basement where they need to do laundry, has some issues.

The good news is, it should not flood anymore since a recent overhaul to the offending pipe. However there is a lot of junk and clothes that are still there, that need to be tossed. Because of what I mentioned to my parents that day, mom is in complete fear of losing this house and having it condemned. The house is not that bad, but something needs to be done. She said they can pay for professionals to clean it, and I asked her honestly, If she pays that much money now, how is she going to pay for a caregiver. That's why I suggested nursing home which both browbeat me about. My dad is not horribly bad, but he needs more care, space and other people to interact with. Mom would qualify for assisted living, but since they are married it would be an issue to separate them. I suggested she could go with him and be his support and voice, since at times he stutters or just has trouble getting his point across clearly. This has caused a lot of heat early on, my brother felt that they were not ready, but he has not been here physically caring for my dad. He would watch him, while mom and I are away and I'm grateful, but he will know soon enough what I'm dealing with.

After constant pressure and seeing my mother cry (I don't deal with women crying very well) I decided to stay and see things through. I'm not happy, however I feel if I left it would be dumped on me because I'm skipping duties.

Lastly: My dad want us to have a family meeting Sunday and wants me to discuss with my brother what he needs to do. Basically delegate. I do not and have not ever felt comfortable talking with my parents. They say I don't need to be afraid, I can trust them, but I've fallen for those words before. I'm not dumb and my intuition is saying “warning”. So I'm giving them the benefit of the doubt, and proceeding with caution and half trust. I would really like this to be easier and be done and I can move on. But things are always blocked when I want to move forward. No matter the path, there is always a roadblock and I don't have to strength to figure it out. So I have to stay back and 'go with the flow'. I know fully that this situation won't end until they both pass on. As long as they breathe the hooks, the spirit grab is always there. Dead people cannot pull you don't in the same way. It's just you and you alone.

I hope this helped, and I hope it makes sense. My thoughts are abit scatter and fuzzy these last few days. If you have a question, I'll answer as best as I'm able.

I am not clear about what is going on, except that 1) You need help getting help for your parents, 2) that you yourself may be ill and need help yourself, maybe a doctor? 3) That you may not presently and in the past year be able to follow through to make necessary changes.
Floods? Basement? Fog (in brain?). Is there mold? Let people come in and see, do not be afraid or try to keep this from the people who can help. One cannot will themselves to do something if they themselves need help to function or are ill.
What would happen if you called The Red Cross and told them exactly what is wrong?

So sorry all your issues with your dad, we were afraid of that scenario with my 84 year old Mom but we convinced her to stay in the rehab facility, told her no one would be at home for her and what was she going to do? it took some tough love to convince her. I did too good of a job though she did not want anything to do with improving if she no longer had a home to go to. It did backfire in that way. We got medicaid so we could afford to leave her in the facility. All tough to do but it is what you have to do for their safety and your sanity.

Oh I feel for you. I am in the midst of something similar. My 90 year old dad (with dementia) left the hospital after fixing his intestinal bleeding. I flat out refused to take him home. Explained the situation to the social worker who said they couldn't force him to go to a rehab facility (wouldn't help with his mind anyway but would improve his safety). They said I could "abandon" him and if he insisted on going home, they would call protective services. So that's what I did. Well, they called a cab for him to take him home!!!! That was about a week ago. He called me to find out where his credit cards were. (I have his bill set up on auto pay) I took them to him and he was clueless. Thought I was still taking care of everything. Oh blanket, blank, blank. He is at the house with no transportation, no clue about taking care of himself. The pervasive gloom and sadness I had been living with for a couple of years had lifted for as week but now is back. I'm disabled. My parents were emotionally abusive when I was a child. I was the caregiver then and it seems like it won't end until I die. Why is it that the ones who terrorized out childhood get another opportunity at the end of life. Don't know what I am going to do next. I hope and pray that we will both find a way to survive and have a little bit of happiness.

I don't think that i would explain or argue anymore than has already taken place. Say what you are going to do, let them know there is no discussion and then do it or you will never move forward.

It seems that, my parents are pushing for no one coming into the home. I was going to call today, but mom was at first hinting at not having anyone come, and wanted to watch how i change my dad, then I asked her why would you be doing this if i'm going to be calling someone to assess this situation? They both had reiterated not wanting to lose their home. It's sad to see and hear this today. I would push more, but I know what would happen if I did. Three people against one, and I need to go back to the drawing board. My intuition told me yesterday and late that Saturday when I broke the news, that somehow they would use tactic. We argued the first half of the day, and I went visit my brother to discuss what was happening at home. He shot down my idea of moving cross state. Everyone saying "if it were me"... I had to maintain my composure, because crying means I've lost that hold. It means I can't calmly and assertive get my point across.

When i got back home Saturday before dark, they wanted to talk to me an hour after. My dad brought up a purpose dear to my heart, and they both..or least he said he would support me in whatever I chose to do. He said he would take me to the doctors, etc, when he got up on his feet. In the moment I was awkardly overjoyed, but smiled and nodded. It was a bit eurphoric. Then I talked with my closest friends and as I did, I was thinking about what dad said, and how it seemed...odd he would wait till now to mention his support. They were disappointed I didn't communicate with them, but I learned from all I've been through, that I couldn't trust them with what was going on. Yesterday, though, i was open and honest. My intuition is poking me and I'm keeping alert. I would hate to have trusted a certain percent only to find out they used the one thing I really care about as a vice to keep me here or near. That's...that's my straw if it's true. I'm mean that's very low to me.

Today though, not wanting help to come in and condemn then out of their house is what they worry about. It's not that bad, but there are hazards. If help came in and saw what I see in the basement, they may say something or not.

I don't want to be blaring opposites of my parents. I've been working hard to balance out the opposite, while not being overcompensating for the bad. Don't know if I said that right.

Currently I need to figure this out. It's taken focus off my plans, and I still have ends to sort. Thankfully I have supportive friends. My brother..I'm not sure about. But it's hard to see. I'm in the kitchen, and I stayed in the heat so long, not sure what it feels like to sit on the window sil and cool off. I'm going to journal a bit, but this update was important i believe.

Yes, it's time for you to have faith in yourself, your abilities as well as your ideals and goals.

Good luck with moving forward out of and away from the FOG!