What happens in the process of calling a local AOA?

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Maybe you've seen me more active as of late. I made a promise to myself last year I was going to find a way out of here, out of this role, and out of this house. It's been too long, too much F.O.G., and tired of the feeling of constant desperation and constantly doubting my sanity, my need for freedom and what happens if i leave. I could stay, but I really don't want to. I'm being weaker in certain ways trying to be assertive and end up being aggressive and the only one hurt.

I've already got deep plans about where to go, When, is hesitant for multiple unpractical and practical reasons, but it will be a hard no longer than May. Also I know I will definitely need therapy once I leave here. I'm looking into that also with the area to live. I honestly don't think I would be safe with myself if I leave without a support to work with. So therapy will be that.

The biting issue that has me feeling absolutely torn is, what to do about my parents... My dad is 68 i believe (i don't keep close track of ages as much), he has mobility issues (no feeling in the feet and weak legs, which has him bed and wheelchair bound when going to appointments), I suspect dementia on top of his naturally demanding and shifting personality (he's always been that way, but the stroke he had years ago and this possibility make it magnified and predictable, but not easy to deal with). He needs a lot of physical care, but refuses to do some things for himself unless i aggressively refuse (which is psychologically harming me and not him). Also I'm not as strong physically (even with exercise) as I was in high school. It's hard to shift his weight in a sling these days and I no longer what to do that much longer for both of our sake. Mom is 70 something, has arthritis in the hands, has to use a cane intermittently for knee troubles, and possibly dementia or something slowly creeping up on top of her natural personality similar to dad's but not as frequent (she's a little easier to deal with these days). She has limited hand strength, but is able to cook, do a little dish washing, and sweeping. Her mind is ok enough to do dad's medicine, take care of bills and she's able to get around more with my assistance to drive her to appointments, errands, etc.

Knowing this, exactly what is the experience you may have had with calling an AOA (Area on Aging). What happens? How much of my or possibly my brother's involvement is necessary? And if say they need to place my parents, could they place them in the same facility or is it a chance they'd be separated?

Any answer can be helpful. I'm really trying to get a good idea of what may happen. I may not like, or even stand them at times, but I am not the type of person to be a "butt" and abandon them. No matter how much I feel that, I cannot bring myself to do such a thing. It's the decent thing I can do for them as human beings.

One last thing, if there are other agency I should investigate that you may know of, I'm interesting in hearing it. I have to balance this fear with some rationality. Thank you all.

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I agree with cmagnum. For everyone concerned, you are doing the right thing. Start with your local adult social services (ask for aging) which will include Adult Protective Services or their term for that. Let them know that you are burned out and physically deteriorating yourself. Ask them for direction on how to have social services take over. You will likely be giving up rights as to where (or whether) they are placed in care and are together or not. There are no guarantees. However, you need to make changes so please get started. Keep us posed on how this is going for you.
Carol
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I"m sorry that you've not gotten any responses to this. For your own well being and your parents' care you need to go on and call Area or Aging or they may be called. Adult Protective Services, tell them your situation, that you cannot continue as their caregiver and ask what they can do. I would think that they would try to place them in the same nursing home. I don't know that they would need to involve your brother. What difference would that possibly make? Please make that phone call today.

Keep in touch and let us know how things work out.
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I still say no more explaining, no more fighting because that is just gong to continue to drain you and trap you into giving into feeling everything is already determined and you have no choices. You have choices but they don't involve explaining or fighting. Your choices involve action, like leaving.
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First I want to say thank you for everyone's who's giving advice and motivation. I am paying attention and really trying to get my head and body more in the direction that it needs to go in.

I've been packed since last month. If i can get myself moved out late this month (for practical reasons) or early June, I would leave with only necessities and one piece of entertainment. I have a large duffel I have pack and keep rechecking to make sure it would be too heavy, and an overstuffed bookbag that was filled with necessary electronics items (I had to unpack it because dad had an appointment to day). The entertainment item is something i need to figure out how to take with me. I don't want to seem very odd with a load of electronics and a fat bag. So I'm keeping a check on that end.

Home. While I keep low profile on still planning to leave, my dad is trying to rally things together. I'm in an honest wait and see on that. He has gotten himself into his wheelchair without using the sling (At point it could have gone wrong, but his arms are stronger than they were last year). I'm not comfortable with him doing that, but I decided not to stress myself worrying about what happens right now. I'm letting him do what he needs, and letting them figure that out, and I'm keeping my mouth as closed as I can. A uh huh and nod, and move on.

Brother is coming Monday for our family meeting. I'm interested in what may happen, but I need to be smart and keep an open mind, but still protect myself incase there may be a wrong.

Also keeping my head sane has been a struggle the last few days, because of some memories coming up. Whatever does happen, I know for a fact therapy will be my number 1 priority once something opens up more.

Vicky, I'm actually going to try again after this next week to tell them. But I do need to stand a bit stronger. Even though I crumbled a bit at the end before, I did surprise myself at how long I was able to manage in general. Once I get tired though, it's hard to keep my head up against the odds. Also I need to find a laundromat as I really don't know where one is around here. They aren't common in my particular location. It may be a drive, but I will keep washing until I leave.

I want to know. Let's say I stand up and do end up moving out. Is it possible to still call APS to do a check on my parents to make sure they are cared for? My brother said he would stay in my place if I should leave, but I have this inkling about that. I don't want make a "fulfilling prophecy" of anything horrible, but this year the gut, the intuition is definitely fired up and won't back down until I do something.

Also bless you all for your contribution, as I said I am reading and putting things together behind the scenes, and plan to do something this month.
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Why do people do this to others?

Well, foggy parents as I like to call them, hate to loose. For them, it is not important how they play their game as long as they don't lose. To an emotional blackmailer, keeping our trust, respecting how we feel, or being fair does not matter. The usual give and take of a normal, healthy relationship does not exist for them for it is all about them, what they want, and their getting what they want for themselves.
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Gaslighted? Don't try to convince anyone this is happening to you. It is for your own benefit to know, and trust yourself, you will know if it has happened to you. Just get yourself free. You can call APS after you move out. Find a friend, maybe someone who is a mandated reporter, they will make the call. Are you allowed to have friends come over? No wonder you are in a fog! Go spend a night at a friends house. You can start the move out safer if you get a small storage unit. Have you heard about "rumination?" One can wear themselves out just thinking it through and never be able to take any beneficial action on your own behalf. Keep taking steps everyday to help yourelf.
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We had the meeting and told again that I needed to move on. My parents and brother...I don't think anyone trully heard what I need, everyone kind of talked. We all talked. But parents would over talk me and I have to reverse it so I can be heard. In the end no one said and anything and my brother got on my about raising my voice at my parents. I just want to be heard. Is there anything wrong with wanting to be heard? I know this is not the place, but please listen to what your children are really trying to say sometimes. It means a lot to us to know we are trully heard and understood. I need to get my things finalized so I can finally move out. If i could legally get them off my birth records I would. But I have to move on on my own two feet, strong, and head held high to this next level.

To finalize, my brother will be here taking care of my parents, they don't want outside help, and I'm preparing to leave this karmic disaster behind and make good memories.

I'll probably do another update eventually, but i'll stop by now and then to read.
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I doing a non related to the main topic update, but it's a bit of a personal breakthrough and is fueling my decision to try and leave even more right now. I was just looking through the forums and ran across the topic Elderly Parents are bullies. In this area, someone commented about searching up gaslighting and I said hmm what's this. I'm currently reading through an outoftheFOG site and someone is bringing into full light of this process and immediately I felt sick and started to tear u. It's a puzzle piece that has been missing for a very long time, and means I need to trust my instincts even more in this sensitive time.

Why do people do this to others? I'm just feeling some kind of way right now.
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SlaterVixenCare you have to make a plan and stay with it. Your parents have needs but so do you!

You need a councilor or therapist for you and will need someone when you do move...to help you through the doubts and depression that may kick in...years of trauma do not go away over night.

Have you talked with your PCP about depression? make sure you have back up and a plan for yourself. A local support group? etc.

Best for a calmer life with good memories! Find some new friends at a local senior center or house of worship.
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What do your parents say about entering a facility? They would both receive the care they need, it would be easier on them and they would have medical oversite 24 hrs. per day. When was their last full medical workup? Maybe there is something medical happening other than the obvious. It likely can be some dementia, depression or other mental health issue. The AoA can give you information on the options that are available to them in their community. Married couples have a right to share a room if they want to share a room. If they are able now, they should complete advance directives before they become mentally incapable of doing so. This will ensure their wishes for medical treatment will be honored and takes the pressure off of you and the family when it comes time to make medical decisions. The AoA can give you information on advance directives and caregiver services that could benefit you. Dealing with aging parents sometimes can be very difficult, especially if there is dementia involved. I see many people not doing for themselves so this isn't just something that's happening to your father. There are many reasons for not helping oneself and it is frustrating. Good luck.
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