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Well my husband got out of hospital after the pneumonia and sepsis. One son came while he was in hospital came from California. He was helpful to a degree. He left daughter from Califoria came. All hell broke loose. She decided to hire someone to take my husband out a couple of hours a couple of days a week. She said its only $20 an hour. I told her I don't have $120 a week for someone to take your father out for a couple of hours. She said well it looks like your house has all new furniture so that's more important then dad! I told her I am getting the stuff we need now because when her father passes I lose one ss check and life will be tight for me. She said we are just trying to help. Well they are not. Then she said if we do this it will stop the text and e mails from you telling us how he is? That is when I said "don't worry I would not dream of bothering you again like that"...They e mail and ask how he is. I tell them..not too good but ok. I told them the little money I have and it is little will have to last me the rest of my life if a nursing home doesnt take it first. What would you do in this situation. I have reached the end of my rope with taking care of him and fighting with them.

Like Tothill says, is it possible she’s trying to give you a break for some alone time? Is she worried you’re overworked and frazzled? So did you tell her you really could use help cleaning the house, instead of someone to entertain DH for 2 hours for you? You need to clarify who’s paying for it...but why wouldn’t you let her pay for it? Sometimes digging in your heels is just self defeating. And who says this person can’t help with cleaning a little too?
Did you explain that your goal is to remain in your house as long as possible, and that you will lose a significant portion of your income, so you’re trying to get things done now while you have it? Has she always been a snarky PITA or a relatively normal daughter? Have you always had to question her motives. Not giving you a patio chair is getting even? Maybe you’re just at a loss for the right words as these issues arise. Would it be helpful to write her an email with your thoughts in a positive manner?

Ok course if shes always been a snarky knowitall PITA, then consider the source. But I’d still might take her $$ if offered.
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JoAnn29 Mar 4, 2019
Don't think she offered to pay felt Mom should. Told Mom she bought new furniture so can afford care for Dad.

My SIL does the same thing. She would swoop into my MILs and tell her what she needed to. And then call her a peasant and dumb as a brick. Her way was the best way.
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A different take on this.

OP do you think your son and daughter saw that you are overwhelmed by having to care for your DH and not have any down time? Would it be reasonable to assume that your kids did not have a clear picture of your finances?

Perhaps your daughter felt that arranging for someone to take Dad out for a couple hours would give you a much needed break? If she saw the new furniture, she may have assumed you had extra funds available to cover that cost.

Coukd it be that she was acting from a position of love and concern?

If she offered to pay and you turned it down you would be cutting off your nose to spite your face.

I completely understand your wanting to update your home while you have the funds to do so. My Mum redid her kitchen at age 82. This year, age 85, she plans to paint the main floor and she will do most of it herself.

Next time the kids come visit perhaps a meeting with a mediator would help the three of you understand each other’s point of view?
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joycee1 Mar 4, 2019
I think they realize I am overwhelmed. they are not here. I dont say everythng to them When I do, they think its too much information. I guess. I know they want to help, but since he is home from hospital the mind really is not working, he cant remember anything for 5 minutes. he was not that bad before the hospital. Have to wait and see how that goes. We did decide to get someone once a week to take him out and she has someone on call for other times I want to go out. It still doesnt change the enormous stress this is on me. You neverknow if he will sleep thru the night, take his clothes off or who knows what. This is not going to be better at all. He also is refusing to see friends now. I huge change from before he was sick. I know everyone is stressed. But I have taken care of him 15 years so far. Been to hospitals all over the country for varies surgeries, I am tired.
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Cancel the caregiver, then do not give those intrusive, overbearing people another
thought. There is no need for you to explain your finances to anyone, except if you need assistance, then hire professionals you trust.

Adult children can be helpful when they see parents aging, this is not that. The message was one of judgement, disrespect, and a hostile takeover.

Just in case they are narcissistic, stop sharing anything with them, saying we are just fine here!
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NeedHelpWithMom Mar 3, 2019
I agree!
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Like I said, she needs to apologize. I understand. Do things while you have that SS check. Why shouldn't you do something for yourself. You deserve it.

By the way, if DH goes on Medicaid, you get to stay in your home with enough money to pay your bills. That stash you have will be split in half. DHs half will need to be spent down b/f Medicaid kicks in.
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She came in and said she was helping me by having someone take him out for 2 hours one day a week. Well its $20 an hour so $40 a week just another bill for me to pay. And if she offered I wont take it because she already thinks I care more about the house then her dad. She told me why are yu fixing house and spending money. She doesnt understand when I lose one check I wont be able to buy anything big again eer. So by fixing house now it will be done. Plus it is the only bright spot in my life now, something to look forward to. New paint, or bedspreads...i furnished the guest room in case I need live in help. I pay as I go. Now I have the money. so she wants me to stop that and pay for someone to take him out a couple fo times a week. He just got home from hospital. He sleeps most of the day now, He doesnt wander. She is not here to see the doctor appts and making them and driving him, and getting him dressed. Since the surgery and infection, he doesnt even know what pants to put on. he was going out in his underwear if I didnt stop him today. She is here for 10 days then gone. She will feel she did something. The stress of spending money for something I can do myself is not making sense to me. I told her why am I always the bad guy...her and her brother just dont like how I do things. Well their dad has been sick for 15 years...they were not here. I am running out of steam. I want someone to help with house chores. we are just at odds. I dont know if I can fix this, but I cant allow her to push me around. Its not her business what I do with my money or how much I have. I have a tiny amount put away and if he goes in nursing home that will be gone. Then I will never be able to put the new roof on that house needs or a/c unit. I dont want to sell house its is small in 55 plus community and I have friends.
she was going to give me her patio couch before she moved, but before she left today. She said you dont need anything on patio you have enough. Just to get even with me I guess. I dont even want to go into all the times I was there for her...too long a story. I think because they are away they feel they have to do something, but I feel I should have a say. My husbands dementia really took a nosedive since the infection last week. He also has an ostomy, and he took the overnight bag off and his pjs the other night and was walking around house in middle of night. They know nothing about anything. I havent slept more then 2 hours a night since he has been sick. But I feel I was attacked today. I dont know if this can be fixed, but I cant have someone tell me what to do and then just walk away.
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NeedHelpWithMom Mar 3, 2019
Clearly they don’t understand what you are going through. A short visit isn’t long enough to determine what it is truly like. Besides that, it is YOUR money, not theirs.

One day, you may sell the house and it will be easier to sell if it is maintained.

I wonder why they are so critical of you. Obviously you care or you wouldn’t be a caregiver.
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I think you did good. Your daughter took on something without asking how your finances are. Now if she wants to pay it, that's OK. If you want new furniture, get it. You owe her no apologies. And she was out of line and owes you an apology. The problem is they are in their own little worlds and have no idea what happens once you are retired and collecting SS. They probably think, they have Medicare not realizing that it only pays 80% and there are deductables that have to be met.

I will miss out about 1400 if husband passes before me. I am lucky that he gets a pension besides SS. I will also have a house I can sell. So, hopefully I will be OK. Better than some anyway.

They come sweeping in and feel they did their share. They aren't there when you are doing the daily caregiving, hospitals and rehab stays. Which to me are stressful because you are dealing with people who know nothing about your LO and won't listen to you or consult with ur LOs doctors. You are looked as a lay person who knows nothing. TG for a nurse in the family.
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Stressful for sure. Need more info. Why would your daughter hire a caregiver for her dad without asking you first? Unless she was offering to pay for it. Even then, would be nice for her to discuss it with you.

Why is she talking about furniture in your home and assuming things?

How is your husband doing? How are you holding up? Hard not to have family support. Hope things get better for your family.

Others will offer suggestions. Take care.
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