Your mother is in AL, according to your profile, you get on extra well with her (‘she’s a perfectly capable and delightful person), and your sister is horrible. Why doesn’t your mother cancel the current POA and sign a new one to make you POA?
Probably since she is the POA and ostensibly helping manage your mother’s affairs. You can try calling instead or in-person visits if that is possible. Hopefully there is really nothing in your emails that would cause concern or friction, so you really have no worries. But, if there is, you are putting it in writing knowing that someone else has access to what you are saying. Not a good system.
I don’t see why you should be concerned. Your sister is taking care of your mother.
When my mother was alive my two sisters an I had our roles to play. The youngest managed her taxes and bills. The middle sister was nominated the executor of her estate and her POA. I would help her with her business when she went on vacation because I could speak Spanish well enough, do the billing, would work on her translations for her and she would review the documents (she hated doing the documents), interacted with the phone company when there was a problem with the bill - my youngest sister didn’t have time, and we all worked together to help her. So if we sent her an email or a text, it didn’t really matter if the other saw it. If it was something confidential, we would talk with her in person alone.
Basically, we are a team taking care of family is how we looked at it. Our mother wanted it that way.
So if there is something you don’t want your sister to know, maybe you can call your mother. Remember that if you call your mother on her home phone, someone can listen on the extension. If you call a cell, the call can be on speaker. The other option is a visit.
pleasegodhelp: As your profile states that your mother suffers from dementia, perhaps there is nothing wrong with the power of attorney ASSESSING emails.
Change the password. If mom is of sound mind she doesn't need anyone nosing in on her email. Put important passwords in a document and envelope at your house with instructions to give to your sister in the event something happened to you
The Internet is a cob web of good and evil; not a safe place for children or the elderly. Perhaps phone calls would be more helpful and the e-mails could be removed since they are the prime source for scams and hackers.
Technically acting as POA only enables her to act on your mothers behalf as she is directed to by your mom and with your moms knowledge and approval. As POA she doesn’t have any more “right” than you do to open and read Moms emails. If your mother has been deemed incompetent to make her own decisions and your sister has been given DPOA or the states equivalent that is in effect then she has the right and perhaps the duty to pay closer attention to Moms emails and business.
In practice however I think most of us who are doing the caregiving and making sure bills are payed end up somewhere in between. It isn’t really necessary to “invoke” a DPOA unless we feel something needs to happen that our LO refuses and my guess is the most common time is when it’s time for a move to a facility. But other than that in reality we are taking care of bills, ordering medications, making doctor appointments and doing the grocery shopping with our LO’s knowledge but not necessarily at their “direction” because that can get even more time consuming. So I think most of us live somewhere between the definition of POA and DPOA when caring for a parent in particular. Logicly a parent gives POA to the child that is the hands on caregiver, lives close and they trust to do what’s best for the parent and not overstep. In my opinion you are correct in feeling like reading all of the correspondence between you and your mother is overstepping unless your mother offered the correspondence for your sister to read but trying to make a legal case out of it is probably adding fuel to the fire, causing problems and won’t go anywhere legally. Instead finding away around it or simply letting your mother discuss it with your sister since your sister is actually reading your mother email not “yours”. I am curious as to how you know your sister is reading these, is she using information from the emails to harm you or your mothers relationship with you in some way? You do want someone to have access to Moms email since there are important things that may be attached to it, bills, medical notices that sort of thing but for instance both my brother and I have access to our moms email, she hasn’t used it in years and can’t any longer but I would simply skip over anything that came from one of my brothers, I skip over anything that isn’t what I’m looking for but there is a certain amount of trust your mom is giving your sister and it’s really up to her if she feels your sister is over stepping and who she chooses to have that access to her email. Again maybe your mother is ok with what your sister is doing but isn’t aware of how it’s affecting you. Is there a way you can present this to your mom without sounding like you want to spite your sister, without sounding as mad as you are? Maybe just throw it out there that you are uncomfortable knowing you aren’t communicating privately with mom and would like to be able to do that. Then go from there without challenging or tattling on your sister, make sure she knows that you know it’s important someone have access to those things and it makes sense it’s your sister since she is the POA you just wish she wasn’t reading your emails or around during your phone calls with mom. Something along those lines. I know it’s tough and you aren’t wrong in your resentment, especially if you feel sister is using things you say against you but the last thing you want to do is upset your mom or put her in the middle of a family battle, even though she is in the middle she doesn’t have to know it. Am I making any sense? You aren’t wrong but maybe you need to be the adult in the room so to speak if your sister isn’t being one, for your mothers sake and well being.
POA has to read emails because there may be matters that need attending. Perhaps they shouldn't read the personal emails, but that may have to be on the "honor" system. I was told by a fellow employee when I first worked for a company that made extensive use of email in the 1990s that I should assume that all of my emails are being read by management. Would postal mail letters be more private? You could ask your mother to tear them up when she's done reading them.
I read my Mom's emails and texts because I have to to make sure she isn't getting scammed. They say falling for scams is a sign of dementia. Either way, I'm her POA and it feels like the right thing to do since I'm trying to protect her money. And it also reduces the amount of time I waste trying to explain to her, no this is not a scam. I now filter her email, then turn on her phone to get it, then reset the password. Because her email address is tied to some of her money accounts, I definitely want to make sure things are not being pilfered.
That said, I also read her exchanges between my sisters because I want to know what's going on with them and if they are ever going to come to visit. My mom's played two sides against the middle, telling me one thing, then them another her whole life. The other day she said I was ill and couldn't pick her up from the hospital, which was a total lie and where she got that I have no idea. I'm not as much interested in what they say to each other, but what picture she's painting to them and what picture they are painting back to her. They both have mental illnesses. Seeing both helps me understand what's really going on and why. Why are they not coming? What's going on in her mind? Is it true she told them she was in the hospital and they never visited?
If you have issues between you and your sister, like I do, and she's wanting to justify her behavior, give up on it. The added stress of having to deal with, at least for me, is sibling rivalry, is not worth it. If either of you distrust each other and feel like you want to protect your relationship with your mother, forget about the sister. It's just not worth it. Who cares if she reads your email exchanges? A POA is responsible and on the hook for things and reading an elderly person's email if it's done, like me, to protect mom, it's something I have to do. At least that's how I look at it. When someone is not able to really run their own life, yes, you want them to have a much privacy as possible, but it's not always possible.
I don't think anyone doubts that your sister has not been behaving very nicely, when it comes to you and her. But when you ask a question about whether something is within the "rights" of someone holding a POA, often the answer is "it depends on the situation".
You say your mom is in assisted living; is your sister with her every hour of the day? Does your mom get mail there? Might it be better to write to her and send it via "snail mail"? Maybe someone who works at the facility can help you get regular mail to your mom, bypassing your sister?
Or, if mom is still sharp, why don't you suggest she set up another e-mail account with a password that your sister isn't privy to, and communicate with her through that account? Or when you see her next, set one up for her.
It's clear that you love mom, and are concerned about her, but I have read some of your other posts, and I hate to even bring this up, because I'm sure that it will make you very angry, but it seems to me that mom is - wittingly or not - pitting you and your sister against each other. Maybe I'm misreading it. Or maybe this is part of your mom's dementia story. But it seems to me that you might be getting a lot of your information from mom, who might not be a reliable source anymore. And the deeper mom gets into the illness, the less reliable her information is going to become.
For whatever her reason, your mom made your sister her POA, and that is not likely to change at this point. Is there any chance of reaching a truce with your sister, at least for the remainder of mom's time, so you can at least be a part of it, rather than continually butting heads with your sister? As Alva often puts it here, right now your sister is the lioness at the gate, and you might be better to try and work within the constraints she has set than to keep bashing your head against them in the hopes they shift.
I hope you can reach an arrangement so you can spend more time with mom.
You are completely misreading it. She's an extremely abusive narcissist -- very possibly a sociopath. Mom changed her power of attorney on Thursday, the woman who assisted us in doing this was in tears and is recommending an emergency guardianship. My mom was so overmedicated, is back to her old self now and none of what my sister said about her was accurate. It's quite disturbing how quickly people here are to come to conclusions about total strangers based on a few messages. I really needed support this year and this "lioness at the gate" crap was the last thing I needed. THINK before you post, Folks. I don't work within the constraints of abuse. Period. I have shown up and been loving and willing to work with her all year and have been abused and we've both been threatened repeatedly. My mom is now with me. She safe and happy and she will never not be safe again. I was attacked by people here for saying I just wanted to see my mom sitting on my couch with some hot tea. I was right. There is literally nothing better in the world. *Nothing.*
pleasegodhelp, sorry you are so upset with the suggestions us experienced caregivers are giving you. I am curious how you know that your sister is reading your Mom's emails. Is Mom telling you that?
Please note that your Mom could be 'showboating" when she is speaking to you, meaning she appears to be attentive to her surroundings. When a person with dementia is no longer speaking to someone at the time, they go back to having dementia type symptoms. My Dad this is. And it is not unusual for someone with dementia to make false claims about someone else.
My sister told me. Her "claims" were forwarded e-mails directly from my sister. My mom is lucid and has been abandoned and railroaded and very likely extorted. She is not showboating. God help people with dementia. Many of you will never take anything they say seriously ever again.
Based on your other posts, this is a very bad relationship going on with your sister. Have you made arrangements to move your mother in with you? No, your sister should not be reading your emails but based on her spiteful behavior of the past, why are you surprised? Maybe try calling mom for a private conversation where twisted sister won't be listening in.
I hope you can get mom moved in with you, the finances worked out, and your sister to resign her POA. That sounds like the best outcome for all of you.
My sister is pretending to have rights she doesn't have. Like keeping my mom's password from her. This has nothing to do with my mom's competence. Sister is also telling her and everyone else she has severe dementia when she doesn't. Mom is in no way vulnerable to scammers. She just wants to write to me, and in private. You guys just assume that every caretaker is coming from a place of integrity. Not all are.
Is there a reason you don't want sis helping mom with email? If mom has dementia she may not know how to access her emails any longer. Maybe you need to communicate with mom another way? When was the last time you saw mom?
She's not helping her. And my mother does not need any help. She doesn't want her reading her private e-mails. She has the right to privacy, just as you or I do. She has mild dementia -- that should not entitle one daughter to read her private correspondence with another daughter. And I have a right to communicate with my mother any way she and I would like to communicate.
Sis could probably take a glance at the list of incoming emails and see that there's nothing untoward in the emails without reading them in their entirety.
Does she give a reason why she's reading private emails between you and Mom?
pleasegodhelp, I noticed on your profile that your Mom has Alzheimer's/Dementia and that she is living in Assisted Living.
Since your Mom has memory issues, I see nothing wrong with the Power of Attorney reading your Mom's emails. I did the same with my Dad, just to be sure he wasn't going off the rails saying things that would confuse or upset whomever he was emailing. It is not uncommon for those with dementia to make up stories about other people.
If your Mom is living with Sister and they use the same computer, I would not be surprised. I doubt this is a court case you would win. It seems to me to be intrusive, but you don't mention Mom's mentation or problem that may be extant as far as Mom having problems online with scamsters and etc. Many times the POA does have to monitor. If that is not the case here, and Mom is perfectly mentally competent, she should change her password or speak to you privately or on the phone.
When my mother was alive my two sisters an I had our roles to play. The youngest managed her taxes and bills. The middle sister was nominated the executor of her estate and her POA. I would help her with her business when she went on vacation because I could speak Spanish well enough, do the billing, would work on her translations for her and she would review the documents (she hated doing the documents), interacted with the phone company when there was a problem with the bill - my youngest sister didn’t have time, and we all worked together to help her. So if we sent her an email or a text, it didn’t really matter if the other saw it. If it was something confidential, we would talk with her in person alone.
Basically, we are a team taking care of family is how we looked at it. Our mother wanted it that way.
So if there is something you don’t want your sister to know, maybe you can call your mother. Remember that if you call your mother on her home phone, someone can listen on the extension. If you call a cell, the call can be on speaker. The other option is a visit.
In practice however I think most of us who are doing the caregiving and making sure bills are payed end up somewhere in between. It isn’t really necessary to “invoke” a DPOA unless we feel something needs to happen that our LO refuses and my guess is the most common time is when it’s time for a move to a facility. But other than that in reality we are taking care of bills, ordering medications, making doctor appointments and doing the grocery shopping with our LO’s knowledge but not necessarily at their “direction” because that can get even more time consuming. So I think most of us live somewhere between the definition of POA and DPOA when caring for a parent in particular. Logicly a parent gives POA to the child that is the hands on caregiver, lives close and they trust to do what’s best for the parent and not overstep. In my opinion you are correct in feeling like reading all of the correspondence between you and your mother is overstepping unless your mother offered the correspondence for your sister to read but trying to make a legal case out of it is probably adding fuel to the fire, causing problems and won’t go anywhere legally. Instead finding away around it or simply letting your mother discuss it with your sister since your sister is actually reading your mother email not “yours”. I am curious as to how you know your sister is reading these, is she using information from the emails to harm you or your mothers relationship with you in some way? You do want someone to have access to Moms email since there are important things that may be attached to it, bills, medical notices that sort of thing but for instance both my brother and I have access to our moms email, she hasn’t used it in years and can’t any longer but I would simply skip over anything that came from one of my brothers, I skip over anything that isn’t what I’m looking for but there is a certain amount of trust your mom is giving your sister and it’s really up to her if she feels your sister is over stepping and who she chooses to have that access to her email. Again maybe your mother is ok with what your sister is doing but isn’t aware of how it’s affecting you. Is there a way you can present this to your mom without sounding like you want to spite your sister, without sounding as mad as you are? Maybe just throw it out there that you are uncomfortable knowing you aren’t communicating privately with mom and would like to be able to do that. Then go from there without challenging or tattling on your sister, make sure she knows that you know it’s important someone have access to those things and it makes sense it’s your sister since she is the POA you just wish she wasn’t reading your emails or around during your phone calls with mom. Something along those lines. I know it’s tough and you aren’t wrong in your resentment, especially if you feel sister is using things you say against you but the last thing you want to do is upset your mom or put her in the middle of a family battle, even though she is in the middle she doesn’t have to know it. Am I making any sense? You aren’t wrong but maybe you need to be the adult in the room so to speak if your sister isn’t being one, for your mothers sake and well being.
Good luck!
That said, I also read her exchanges between my sisters because I want to know what's going on with them and if they are ever going to come to visit. My mom's played two sides against the middle, telling me one thing, then them another her whole life. The other day she said I was ill and couldn't pick her up from the hospital, which was a total lie and where she got that I have no idea. I'm not as much interested in what they say to each other, but what picture she's painting to them and what picture they are painting back to her. They both have mental illnesses. Seeing both helps me understand what's really going on and why. Why are they not coming? What's going on in her mind? Is it true she told them she was in the hospital and they never visited?
If you have issues between you and your sister, like I do, and she's wanting to justify her behavior, give up on it. The added stress of having to deal with, at least for me, is sibling rivalry, is not worth it. If either of you distrust each other and feel like you want to protect your relationship with your mother, forget about the sister. It's just not worth it. Who cares if she reads your email exchanges? A POA is responsible and on the hook for things and reading an elderly person's email if it's done, like me, to protect mom, it's something I have to do. At least that's how I look at it. When someone is not able to really run their own life, yes, you want them to have a much privacy as possible, but it's not always possible.
You say your mom is in assisted living; is your sister with her every hour of the day? Does your mom get mail there? Might it be better to write to her and send it via "snail mail"? Maybe someone who works at the facility can help you get regular mail to your mom, bypassing your sister?
Or, if mom is still sharp, why don't you suggest she set up another e-mail account with a password that your sister isn't privy to, and communicate with her through that account? Or when you see her next, set one up for her.
It's clear that you love mom, and are concerned about her, but I have read some of your other posts, and I hate to even bring this up, because I'm sure that it will make you very angry, but it seems to me that mom is - wittingly or not - pitting you and your sister against each other. Maybe I'm misreading it. Or maybe this is part of your mom's dementia story. But it seems to me that you might be getting a lot of your information from mom, who might not be a reliable source anymore. And the deeper mom gets into the illness, the less reliable her information is going to become.
For whatever her reason, your mom made your sister her POA, and that is not likely to change at this point. Is there any chance of reaching a truce with your sister, at least for the remainder of mom's time, so you can at least be a part of it, rather than continually butting heads with your sister? As Alva often puts it here, right now your sister is the lioness at the gate, and you might be better to try and work within the constraints she has set than to keep bashing your head against them in the hopes they shift.
I hope you can reach an arrangement so you can spend more time with mom.
Please note that your Mom could be 'showboating" when she is speaking to you, meaning she appears to be attentive to her surroundings. When a person with dementia is no longer speaking to someone at the time, they go back to having dementia type symptoms. My Dad this is. And it is not unusual for someone with dementia to make false claims about someone else.
I hope you can get mom moved in with you, the finances worked out, and your sister to resign her POA. That sounds like the best outcome for all of you.
Good luck and Godspeed to you.
Does she give a reason why she's reading private emails between you and Mom?
Since your Mom has memory issues, I see nothing wrong with the Power of Attorney reading your Mom's emails. I did the same with my Dad, just to be sure he wasn't going off the rails saying things that would confuse or upset whomever he was emailing. It is not uncommon for those with dementia to make up stories about other people.