My mother is living with me, what amount of privacy can I expect to get?

I will never be able to sit down and discuss privacy with my mom because everything stresses her out. So, I lock my bedroom doors when I am not at home. Plus I've learned to lock the door of any room where I don't want to be barged in on. Problem is she likes to "follow" me and it really gets on my nerves. She even makes it her mission to know where I am and what I'm doing at all times. This makes me have to lie about what I'm doing away from the house when I want to have privacy.

Tell us some more about your husband and how he as well as ya'll are doing. As a husband who felt for years that his wife was more married to her mother than to him, I can only imagine how he possibly feels and what that might be doing to your marriage. Sorry, but her social security check and any other money should be going to pay her bills not you. She's playing you like the emotional piano keys that she put inside of you as a little girl and that's why your falling for it. I'm not a therapist, but freedom from this sort of emotional F.O.G., fear, obligation and guilt comes with therapy and not by just reading a book on emotional blackmail or stop walking on eggshells or one of the really good book about boundaries, in particular on marriage and boundaries. When it comes to your own privacy, make it so!

Just a thought - have you thought of trying Adult Day Care? A couple of days a week, to give you a break. Like a respite care.

" in my home" Remember, it is your home not her's. Out of the goodness of your heart you invited her in to take care of her. However, if she can't be respectful of you in your house then maybe other arrangements needs to be made. Have you ever stood up to her before or does she treat you like a child that does not deserve any privacy or respect because your job is to keep 'mommy happy and if mommy is not happy then no one is happy.' Sorry about my tangential thinking, but I was just wondering out loud. I wish you well but you need to let her know it's your house, you are her adult daughter and not her little girl anymore.

Thing is, "we" bought the house we live in together. After my dad died 2 years ago, we sold mom's house and then my husband and I sold our home and we bought a big enough house for all of us so she wouldn't have to be alone and because she isn't mentally able to live alone. Mom is 80 years old and although she still drives to neighborhood WalMart, she can't balance a check book. She is going blind and she can't hear very well. I pay all the bills so she can use her social security check for her own personal expenses. Thing is she gets mean sometimes. Yes she treats me like a child and I often revert back to feelings I had as a kid growning up with a mean spirted mom. Ugh. I feel like I've made my bed and I have to live in it. Then I feel guilty. But privacy is something I have to make happen for myself and not something she will ever respect.

I too moved my mother into my home, what a blessing I had for three years with her. It was not without much stress and frustration. You sound like you may have some caregiver fatigue. If you are not finding time to "carve" out space for you, and for your husband, you must do this. If it is taking a walk, going for coffee, you must take care of yourself first. Your stress level is very high and you will take your anger and frustration out on your mother, and then feel guilty later. Try to find things to occupy your mother’s time, such as DVD's of her favorite movies growing up or in her prime. My mother loved Law and Order, thank god for TNT and reruns. LOL You could end up losing your husband and other special people in your life if you do not take care of yourself. I ended up in hospital with sleep deprivation as well as caregiver fatigue. Does your mother like to read, play cards, and scrabble? Have her go through catalogs and dream of things she may want or locate great gift ideas for others. You have to be patient with your mother if her mental health is not "all" there. She may not know what she is doing, she may think she is at a young age and you are a child. Have you spoken to her physician? Does she have ALZ at all?
Just a few clues and ideas from someone who has been there. Please consider taking care of yourself first!


Blessings, Bridget Wetterer

I've pretty much given up on the idea of privacy, my mom also follows me around and the way our house is set up, she can sit in her favorite spot on the couch and stare at me in almost any room I'm in. It is rough, but I also realize that she is freightened (dementia) and that it might be reassuring for her to know that I'm there.
I take my private time when she sleeps, although she is never down for very long at a time.

Hubby is really a good man. Things don't bother him until I get riled up about something. Plus Hubby has built a massive man cave - so he is perfectly happy with more than a man could ever want. I have often thought my answers on how to cope with living with my mom should be counseling.

I have to go in my room and much the door. I have a bedroom big enough for a large chair and ottoman. It's my sanctuary. If course I can hear MOM calling out"" "Where is everybody?" All over the house. Sometimes I go out and tell her. I get up three hours before she gets up and I have that time alone. You just have a figure it out. We say "We're going to bed between 7&8 so we have some time alone, too. It's hard. MOM has no boundaries so I have to draw them.

Luckily for us my parents go to bed early, and only blare the TV until about 9 pm ( I get up at 4 for work!) However, I was used to my hour in the morning by myself and now I often find Mom here reading (she dosent sleep well) She is no bother, but sometimes it still bugs me... And sometimes Dad goes into our room and rearrainges things, eats candy ect..lol