Primary caregiver for Dad-How do I get siblings to help with care and assist?

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My Dad is a widower and is suffering from Mild dementia. He was diagnosed with this after suffering prostate cancer and now we (4 adult kids) help him with medication ordering, am and pm visits, and weekend visits. He lives in an Independent living facility and likes it there and was evaluated for dependant living, but he doesn't need that. The issues are I have one sister who is retired, and the rest of us all work. I have been his primary caregiver for the last 2 1/2 years until I broke my foot then I had my gallbladder out. I was unable to drive and care for my Dad for apprx 2 1/2 months. The rest of my siblings took over to help, but made me feel bad----When I had just gotten out of the hostpital they asked, cant we bring dad over for the afternoon, etc. I said no. My Brother had surgery as well, and was "off duty " for about 5 months. My 2 sisters said it was too much and they hired my nephew to help care for my dad, (he is 24 and doesn't work) and ever since have been making comments in groups texts about how I was gone so long, Dad has gotten worse, etc etc. I just recently completeled getting all my Dads meds done, Dr calls in, ect, so I have been involved in his car, but I just couldn't drive a car. So I have cared for my Dad for YEARS, and now I am being treated like a child with all their remarks. I am really resenting it, and I don't care for how they are treating me. TOday I had it. I sent a text to my sister saying she was mean (I know, childish) but I was mad. Now she set up a mtg with a person from our church who they want us all to go meet. I said I wanted to go speak with a professional, someone who knows how to deal with these issues and has experience in the past with this. This woman from the church is nosey and also specializes in depression. I don't see how this will help my Dad, our scheduling, issues between siblings, etc. How do I get my family to go to this woman, quit treating me like a person who abandoned their Dad, and treat me with the respect I treat them? Thank You,.

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A "nosy" woman from your church who "specializes in depression." Is this woman a member of your church? Does she work there?

Chaplain's are very skilled when it comes to family dynamics and family crises. Is this woman a chaplain?

It's a unique family that doesn't have issues when they're centered around aging parents. My brother and I have always been very close and when we cared for our father he and I still butted heads on occasion. But unlike your family, there were only 2 of us siblings.

However, from your post it sounds like your siblings are helping, have helped when you broke your foot and had to have surgery. Your title asked how to get your siblings to help with care and assistance but from what you wrote it sounds like they did pitch in, are pitching in. I don't think I'm understanding what the problem is.
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Um.

Your headline asks how you get your siblings to help with caring for and assisting your father, who is managing well in his ILF.

Um. They *are* helping. Everyone is pulling some weight, whether or not it's exactly a fair share being a slightly different issue.

Just looking at one instance: don't you think your siblings wanted to bring your Dad to visit you because he was missing you, and he thought it would be nice?

The situation all four of you find yourselves in is emotionally fraught and stressful. Your father, with an early diagnosis of dementia, is getting worse; and you are all concerned and anxious about what may develop and how best to support him.

But why do you believe that every observation your sisters make about your father's needs, and his failing health, is a criticism of you?

Your sisters, recognising that with one-and-a-half or two of you out of action there was too much to do, enlisted extra help. Wasn't that a sensible step to take?

I don't know what it is your sisters have said that has offended you, perhaps they phrase things badly, I don't know. But I am finding it difficult to understand what they're doing wrong. What do you *want* them to do?
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Dear kidskids,

I'm so sorry to hear about everything you are going through with your siblings. I feel like you are writing my story. I too was the primary caregiver for my dad and my siblings treated me like I was missing half a brain. I know its extremely frustrating and you are so right, there is a lot of resentment.

Families are so tough. In hindsight, I wished I asked for family counselling or individual counselling for myself. I needed to learn how to communicate better with my siblings. I kept trying to get blood from a stone and my siblings just didn't want to pull their weight. I wished I could let it go and decided to go another route. I should have looked at more home care or assisted living or a nursing home. But I wanted to be a the superhero and do it all. It was just too much.

I too wanted my siblings respect but all I got was grief. We have to let our expectations go and find other options. I know its not easy and I fully empathize with everything you are saying.

I hope you find the right balance for yourself. It's just not worth it be angry and resentful. Thinking of you.
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