Primary caregiver for dad (86) for 8-1/2 years. What do I do with brother who has “shut down” & does nothing because it’s easier for him?

"I take dad to all his appointments, pay his bills, manage his pills, do his laundry, drive him anywhere he needs to go since he lost his license, take him grocery shopping, prepare special low sodium meals for him."

"I have MS (relapsing remitting) and life is getting harder for me."

You do a lot for your father. About how many hours/day to you spend meeting his needs?

We often see posters on this site wanting to know how to make their non-participatory siblings (or other family members) take part in caregiving. And the short answer is you can't. No, it isn't right, but there's a lot in life that isn't right or fair. You simply can't change someone else's behavior.

You have to accept that this brother won't do anything for your father.

You can step back, too, though. Your health is now being affected.

Your father could hire someone to do at least some of the things you do for him.

What is the plan for if/when he needs more help? It sounds like he would be a good candidate for Assisted Living now.

Look into hiring aides 2-3 times a week to take over this burden.

You cannot change another person's decision to step away--you can be angry and feel shortchanged, but there is probably a reason brother stepped away---you want to, he did. Are you feeling jealous b/c he set boundaries and you don't feel you can?

Talk to dad and explain that you are burned out, You love him, but cannot continue with this level of CG. TELL him, don't ask, about PT aides. I worked as one for years and I KNOW the blessing I was to the families. I did ALL the 'grunt work', but it was my JOB and I could go home and not live it 24/7.

As you yourself have health issues, you need to step back.

Let the other brother continue on weekends as they see fit. You do not need to see your dad everyday, you need to set some boundaries.

I often think, as women/moms/daughters, we feel the pull to make everything be OK and in honesty, we rarely can.

Call and agency TODAY and get dad evaluated as to what he needs to help lift your burden.
Let uninvolved brother just be uninvolved. Thinking about it will just make you mad.

Its not so much burn out you have MS. I realize medications have gotten better in last 10 years. I also know they were/are expensive. My cousin was diagnosed at 50 and passed at 70. I think she lived as long as she did because she had a great husband who did everything. Stress was her enemy. I think decisions will need to be made. Maybe its time to place Dad in an AL. Explaining that with ur MS u no longer can do it. You could end up in a wheelchair. Then how ru going to help Dad.

I was you! This is so common being the only daughter. I did it for 15 years in my home and decades before that for both of my parents.

I hear you, loud and clear. I empathize with you. I am not going to criticize you. I got enough criticism from my family to last me ten billion lifetimes!

I will tell you what happened to me. You have to make your own choices. Simply put, I burned out! My brothers never helped me.

We do get upset, angry about doing it all ourselves! It is too much for one person. It just is. The fact that you have MS makes it even worse. So much worse!

Guess what, after lots of therapy, help from this forum and me just getting fed up, I QUIT! I just quit! I told mom if she wasn’t happy with all that I did for her then she could let my ‘know it all’ brother take over.

Mom is living with my brother and SIL now and hired help for them! She didn’t pay a penny to get for help for me. I was the daughter who was expected to do it all for free.

I sacrificed everything for mom, my home, privacy with hubby and kids, my job, going out with friends, etc. I loved my parents and was always the kid closest to them. My brothers, eh...they came around for money and a free meal.

Mom stirred things up. When I learned to set boundaries she couldn’t handle it. She complained to my brothers. They marched in like heroes so I surrendered my responsibility to them. I’d say it backfired big time in their faces!

My brother even tried to threaten me with elder abuse because mom did not get her every wish. Isn’t it interesting though, her doctors praised me for my good care of mom.

For my own sanity I had to go no contact with my brothers. I have only spoken to mom a couple of times on the phone. I refuse to have a relationship with my toxic brothers. I grieve for the brothers I wanted them to be. I am not missing out on not being involved in their craziness.

Only you can decide what is best for you and your family. Sure, they have a right not to be involved but to criticize those who are involved is out of line. The criticism became too unsettling for me to continue to deal with.

Being a caregiver was the toughest job I ever had. I took my mother in after she lost her home in Hurricane Katrina. It was an emotionally heart wrenching time and I wasn’t thinking clearly about the ramifications of being a full time caregiver. I wish that I had made it a temporary solution and then placed her into a facility.

All I can say is that if you are no longer the primary caregiver for your dad you will feel the weight of the world off of your shoulders. My life is so much better. Perfect? Absolutely not! No one has a perfect life.

I deal with depression from the after effects but I am seeing a therapist. It helps. Life is a journey. We are all works in progress.

I sincerely wish you the very best in life and hope you find the right solution for you and your father.

Whether it is right or wrong is beside the point. There's nothing to reconcile or smooth over. You cannot force someone to care in the same way you do. Everyone is different. And, how you respond to a situation is entirely up to you. I bet your dad knows this too.
It sounds like it's time to hire help or put dad into assisted living, where someone else takes care of the day to day and you (and Brother A) can visit dad as your health and energy allows. If the idea of this makes you feel guilty, find a therapist and work through it. Your health and happiness is important. best wishes.

Your father should pay for the hired help, not you.

Keep in mind that deciding a situation is unfair (and it sounds like it is) and being able to actually do anything about it are two different things.  I don't see how you can make brother B do anything he doesn't want to.  If he removes himself from the situation, are he and his wife willing to provide money to pay for services for Dad?

Frankly, I would not "cover" for brother - he is what he is, and there is no reason for Dad to think otherwise.  Can I suggest you hire help with Dad's money  and also work out a caregiver contract so you are paid fairly for what you do?

Whether you and your father hire in-home help or he goes into AL or some other type of care facility, how about you and brother A put the hard word on brother B to front up with some of the cost? Paying now will certainly make it easier for him when father passes and the cost comes to an end! It might make it feel better for your father to accept help, and help him and you to feel better about brother B. And don’t speak to SIL, the pressure should be on brother B himself, from both you and brother A.

It happens, maybe more often that not... I know a lot of people with siblings, and ONLY 1 STANDS UP AND DOES WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE!!! I am sorry to say this... Tag you are the one... You are the strong one who can do this.
Others who cannot,... don't worry about them.. you need only to focus on you...
But I do have a friend whose sister finally retired... My Friend said, " Great !! It's your turn to take care of Mom !" Start looking for a facility near you... I'm moving her near you and her grandkids :) "

The understanding bit.

You are free to make your choices. You choose to support your father as you are doing. As this becomes increasingly difficult for you, you will need to look for other services and resources which can gradually take the load off you; but it's no good wishing for that help from someone who you know is not prepared to give it.

Your one brother makes his choices. It is important to him that he sees your father regularly and he does what he can to help.

Your other brother makes his choices. He finds it difficult to manage his relationship with his father as part of his life and finds it easier to write him off. This upsets you, I myself think it's a pity, I'd even go so far as to say that your brother may come to regret it; but the point is that only your brother can decide what he is prepared to do.

I can't see any way for you to explain second brother's attitude to your father without either lying about it or hurting your father's feelings. So I think I would just say that I can't explain, and leave it there. Not every question has an answer, after all.

Don't leave your SIL to be the intercessor, though. Talk to your brother, if you want to, but gently. There's nothing wrong with wanting to understand what he's thinking, but there would be a lot wrong with trying to force him to act differently.

Sorry for your health problems. You can NOT make your brother do anything. If he doesn't want to be involved, then it's probably better off for everyone that he continues to keep his distance.

You need more help, but he's not going to be your source. Is there money for hiring help? If he has no money and needs a lot of care, he might be ready to go in a nursing home. There is only so much that YOU can do and you do need to take care of yourself FIRST.

Oh yes..many of us are facing this..My mom 86 lived with my brother until a 2 weeks ago..she had been quite independent with my help at his place..I do her finances, med box, med ordering, social life, church activities and most MD appts. He gave her a free home 5 min from me. He grocery shopped. She got ill in December. A 10 day hospital stay with a diet change. That blew his mind. He instantly wanted her put in a facility!! He wanted me to figure it out. I found a lovely little apartment for her in an independent living building 5 min away from me. Now he lets me move her in while he went out of town. Too overwhelming for him...he now has a life without mom chattering to him all day and I am the caregiver..I do daily visits to help her adjust. I was initially resentful but mom is so appreciative and actually enjoying the included meals. In time she will have friends her own age and lots of social events. My brother is the loser in this. Her eyes are open to his weakness. We are in our 60’s and retired. We both could share this experience but he chooses to check out. Sad indeed. I have decided to stop being mad at him and see it as pitiful!

I have been dealing with the exact same thing. I am curious to see how others respond to this. I am at a complete loss. I recently invited my brother and his family over for family dinner, to try and break the ice since they hadn’t even seen mom since Thanksgiving. And I was accused of keeping phone messages from her that they had supposedly left. No messages were ever received except for one on Christmas and one on New Years Eve. I have to just keep reminding myself that not everyone has the same heart. And it is on them and not me. I can only be responsible for my own actions. What they choose to do or not do is on them. But it is still very sad.

Hiya ...can relate to your situation so much

I care for a girlfriend who firstly came to live with me. ...after moving close to me with intention of buying own place

She has never married 64 yrs old.
Always lived with mum before death. Then her sister. Who up andmoved 400 klms away
During process of buying her own place. Had meltdown big time
...hospital 7 weeks. Came out with a diagnosis of early dementia

My life has changed so much. I do everything
Cook. Clean drive drs etc etc. She isn't bad but i feel lazy more than anything...i got her into routine. She can shower herself dress etc but will sit back and let me do it which at first i didn't mind

But after watching her on her pc all day. And mobile. She is mostly capable

But sadly she is a handful and can be very defiant and cunning (which was never her nature )
It cost her nothing to live with me. While her unit sits empty

Like the past weekend told her i needed help in garden. So she didnt get out of bed till 6pm

She sometimes wetsthe bed too which i clean up. Refuses to wear protection

Im sure there is more a psych problem there but if she wants something she gets it. If she thinks she can be pampered again sheloves it

My issue is her family say shes always been like this
And think im wonder woman (stents recently inserted in my aorta 18months ago) get very exhausted all the time

She has troubles making decisions and can be very slow should we need to get to drs etc

This is all overthe shop sorry

I guess im saying her brother and sister give me orders

Yet they hardly ever ring. Come to see her

To sum it up nicely its like looking after. 5. 3 yr old kids

I think 2 years is enough but she has this fear of being alone

I give her little chores to do only to find they don't get done. Ans:i forgot or i didn'tfeel like doing it

But she has this diagnosis of early stage dementia after being seen by geriatian for 3 days in hosp

Gp thinks depression and lazy by nature and taking advantage
And tells me to walk away and let her do things herself. but i cant since we have been friends over 55yrs

Her family sent hugh parcels here at xmas for her. Im must be very selfish because i was half expecting a card at least.

No

My friends all tell me im a fool. Her family knows she is safe here and looked after but never seen them. Get the odd call

In the meantime it can be a continual battle to get her out of bed
Always loved her bed even 15 yrs ago
Getting organised
Being able to plan things

Have a life again


Love her to death but dont like how im expected to do all

Whinge over

Im 64. She is 65.

My kids visit her often but just know her as they did when babies

Not sure what to do
Sister hates drs. And refuses to believe any of them
Phew. Get a cup of tea now. Soz. Cheers


So many of my friends who know her and have seen me say. She is pulling your chain and that ive aged 10 years and a fool ????


What would you guys suggest
Pls dont say talk to sister
In her eyes she is fine but said to nieve an inconvience to have visit her

Aghhhhhh

Things are never "even"
Don't try to smooth things over with your brother and your dad. If dad asks why he is not there just say "I guess you can ask him yourself". Or say "honestly I don't know why he is not here more often". Do not make excuses, do not apologize, do not blame.
Start to hire help. Use dad's income and have someone come in 1 day a week for the whole day so you can leave and have some "me" time. Then increase it to 2 days a week.
If dad is a Veteran you might want to check to see if he can get help through the VA. You would be surprised at the services that you can get.
Don't bother trying to change brother B because it will never happen. Just try to change your emotional response to him.

On top of being the main caretaker you also feel that it is your responsibility to be the peace keeper and all around family fixer? You are not that powerful.

Honestly after 8 1/2 years it can run thin, not everyone wants to be a caretaker in their senior years, they have earned a life too.

Perhaps it is time for you to consider restructuring your life too, place your father in AL where he will get 24/7 care, make new friends and that will free you and your other sibling up. Your father is not longer living independently, as the two of you are doing everything for him.

Let your dad and your brother figure it out, it is their relationship, not yours.

Your father could live another 5 years or so, my mother is 94, I am 72, she has been recently placed in AL and she loves it! I have done my duty, she is safe, well fed and has medical help at her fingertips, she just pushes a button, and the nurse appears. I live my senior life, just as she did, it is the right of passage.

I wish you the very best.

So many of us have discovered the absentee sibling syndrome. It is not likely to do any good to hold out hope and burn energy of which is a diminishing resource for all the good daughters (and some sons) do. Accepting the reality is hard. Took me a long while and that's with a sibling out of state (only one). And still there are many moments when I am angry, frustrated, tired..so tired of being the "it" girl, the wifey. And YOU have MS.
The others will have to live with themselves, and probably have no problem doing so should you be sick and /or dad no longer be around
Two things stand out, as far as the essentials: one is to check with your local office on aging--for yourself as well, because some will provide services at age 60 which you are approaching, and there may be some of benefit to you. They may know of services to do the pills and they may price match. Consider meals on wheels for dad, or some sort of delivered meal service if affordable. Mom's Meals comes to mind, but there are more. There are, at least in our area many groceries that are delivering and the cost is minimal. Used it myself for the first time a few weeks back when not feeling well, and got an emailed coupon...it saved me so much effort and energy, I was very grateful for it.
Save yourself first as the others are not likely to.
sending hugs...

You cannot make a sibling help, but as long as dad is competent, I would suggest a frank discussion with him, that Brother B is overwhelmed and that you and Brother A be compensated for your work.

Yup. Does this ever sound familiar. My poor father did everything and anything for his Mother, drove her to all appointments, went shopping for her, fixed stuff, took care of the house/yard etc...and his brother sat by with "oh I'm so busy I don't even have time for me." what happened...she died, his brother got all the money in her will..his name wasn't even on it. She took it off, once she moved in with her other son...sick. and sad. after all that, he died a horrible death, and his brother is still alive. KARMA...that is all I have to say.

My precious mom was in home hospice after a year and a half of one struggle following another, including hospitalizations and falls and let’s just say that true colors rise to the surface when there is need.
Her temperament was always happy and above all she loved to talk and visit.
Our family was told it could be any minute by hospice and two brothers and their wives came by after work for a couple of hours and then the next day “crickets”...no phone calls...nothing. I slept in the room by her side. Our mom passed the following morning and one brother and wife came immediately. The other “Couldn’t handle it.”.

I will forever be grateful for my time with my mom but saddened to remember that, other than a sis-in-law that came two or three times for a few hours, in four months of my mom being completely helpless there was absolutely no family help at all.
We just have to forgive and understand that others can truly care only about themselves and they are fine with it. It would eat me up if I had failed her but then hearts are different.

Unfortunately, you cannot force your brother to participate / contribute to your dads care.   I have tried to get my brother to help and he refused.  I am sure this is not the first time you have seen this side of your brother.  Taking care of another human being is exhausting...mentally, physically and financially.  Sounds like you have health issues of your own that need to be your top priority.  I don't know what your dads issues are, but have you looked into placing him in assisted living?  A place that has the dr. and podiatrist and barber in the facility is fantastic and would cut down on your running around and less stress on your dad too.  All of the energy that youre expending being angry at your brother is a waste of time and not healthy.  Use it for good...make some good decisions for your dad.  You can visit him as often as you like and still handle some of his daily tasks like his laundry for instance, but everything else is taken care of ...the cooking, the dr. visits, the meds, etc.  There will be a lot of work on the front end, like selling his home  and downsizing his things so that he can fit into a small manageable AL apartment.  But trust me when I say it will be a good thing.  He will also be able to socialize with folks in his same stage of life and not just with his stressed out son and daughter. 

If you have not toured some of the newer assisted living facilities, you are going to be pleasantly surprised.  Let the a$$hole brother go and start making good decisions for you and dad.

Sorry for what you are experiencing but I don't think you'll ever really understand. It's not right but nothing is going to change. Your one brother is simply selfish. Thankfully, your other brother is willing to help.

I care for my father by myself. My one brother lives a thousand miles away and that's all the excuse he needs! He hasn't even bothered to come out for a visit in 2 1/2 years although he and his wife have lots of time to take fun vacations and spend lots of time with her family members. They did offer to come out last year but it was to be a fun trip for them, with them staying downtown to do touristy things and just meeting up with dad and I for dinner a time or two. I told them to just forget it if they weren't willing to help give me a break from dad for a few days!

It's strange, but normal, for children raised by the same parents to end up turning into such different people and it seems like there is always at least one that is totally selfish. My brother is always telling me that he feels bad that he hasn't helped but not so bad that he is willing to do anything to ease my burden.

For seven years I was for all intents and purposes the sole helper for my parents. They were in their 80s to 90s in this period. I have two other siblings. One would visit every three years. To be fair, this sibling lived at a distance and suffered three heart attacks. One of the visits came at a crucial time and the two week effort was extremely helpful. The other sibling never lifted a finger. No phone calls, no get-well cards, certainly no personal visits to home, hospital, rehab, nursing home, or funeral. This sibling was living in a cult and could not possibly take any actions that showed any love or care for their parents. It was hard for mom and dad, and it was hard for me to witness this. Am I angry? Of course, Am I disappointed in the AWOL sibling? Sure. Could I change anything of the situation? No. My advice to you is to let go of the anger and frustration but pay attention to how you are feeling, because you may be getting burnt out. If you feel that absent sib should be helping, it means that your parents, therefore you, need more assistance. That assistance will have to come from elsewhere. It's time to have one or two caregivers that you can rely on to augment in the care of your dad or for your dad to move to assisted living. My parents couldn't afford assisted living. So if that is the situation for you, I understand. I was able to get mom and dad tapped into a couple programs that provided home health care. Two of the caregivers were absolutely fantastic. I also found an excellent home health company that with some effort provided a caregiver who was an excellent match for mom and dad. She was an angel to them. These workers were like the siblings that I didn't have and made my job so much more bearable as well as helping me feel less alone in the enormous task of providing the physical and emotional support that my two aging parents so needed. There is a cumulative effect of years of caregiving combined with our own aging and health issues that can wear a person down. Don't be afraid to ask for help. You can let the uninterested sibling know that your dad is paying for supplemental care; who knows? maybe he'll care about that. In the meantime, you will be able to take better care of your dad and yourself. Hope this helps.

I have 2 brothers and my Mom deserved more than she got from them. But she never complained. The "Golden Child" lived 7 hrs away. Maybe a visit once a year. Hardly any phone calls.

Stop making excuses for ur brother. Stop trying to "smooth it over". If Dad is complaining, say "sorry Dad nothing I or u can do about it. Instead of ranting to me you should be ranting at him. Here's the phone".

You and brother A may want to start talking about placing Dad. He is going to be more care as time goes on. And its going to be harder for you to deal with it.

Another perspective here. My spouse and I took care of my parents in one way or another all of our married life (56 years), After Dad's passing things got worse. Mom and Dad had not prepared for their retirement and financial situation ever.
My siblings all moved away early in my married life leaving most of the daily responsibilities of my parents to my spouse and myself. In the last few years, other siblings decided to move mother to one of my siblings home. As some of mothers health got worse, my sibling and spouse would not leave her alone at any time out fear for her well-being. Then my sibling became ill and my other siblings decided that mother should be moved back into one of the siblings homes. This situation proved impossible for all siblings as we are all above seventy and just could not handle being a 24/7 caregiver for an extended time to someone with mutiple medical problems that could not be left alone. As mother's residency had changed to another state, myself and one other sibling, could not bring mother back to a facility in our areas due to Medicaid rules. The siblings who live in the same state as mother, decided to put mother in a nursing facility but needed extra money to cover mother's expenses they deemed necessary. My spouse and I have withdrawn several thousand dollars from our IRA Retirement accounts to help with expenses in the last few months. We are not wealthy people and we can not continue drawing our IRAs down without taking more financial risks to our fixed income. We sincerely want to do what is right but to do that have more input into the care of mother. This is hard and weighs on my mind everyday. Just remember that there are many circumstances involved in who cares for an elderly disabled parent.

I am one of 5 children (4 girls, 1 boy....(the closest to GOD in mom and dad's eyes). Dad has dementia (90yrs) and mom (87yrs) recently had heart valve replaced, several UTI's and is delusional, calling me in the middle of the night etc. My oldest sibling lives within 4 miles of my parents, she is retired, divorced and her children live out of state. This sibling (A) is POA after other sibling (C) blatantly stole money from our parents. Sibling B is disabled. Sibling C stops in to check on parents twice daily but it is in her best interest to keep SS from investigating $. The Chosen Sibling, ONLY male and baby of the family doesn't return calls, hardly stops in meanwhile he lives closest. I recently to mom to dr and nurse came out of room saying to me "Well, I know you have a Favorite Brother" My Mom has ALWAYS thought the sun rose and set in my brother's ass. Mom even said to me "well, you are my second favorite!" It is soooo frustrating but I know in the end, I will have NO REGRETS. I can lay my head at night knowing I did for my parents as I would like have done unto me. I don't need anymore that my personal peace. I feel Karma will come around to get those.

I'm sorry . I have a baby sister who will tell you thank God for my sister(me) cause she can't deal with it. My daddy has Alzheimer's and I took care for him for 3 yrs before I had to put him In a home. She doesn't call and check on him I do and report back to her. I was told growing up that I was the oldest so I'm to do every thing it makes me mad but all I can say is that when he dies I will not have any regrets I did what I could do.

TTell your brother off and get an attorney

You're wasting energy trying to get a brother involved that has opted for another path in dealing with a parent's failing health. Is it fair? No, not to the people doing the work, but you cannot change it. There are caregivers and then there are the others. Majority of families are in the same situation you're in. Not everyone is made of the same stuff. Just like kids, you have that one that is the peacemaker, one that is out there doing everything for everyone, and one who is more aloof. If you look back, your brother probably hasn't changed much over the years, you just expect something out of him now that he is not.

Instead of creating a big divide, just do what you do because you have that caregiving ability within you. Ask brother to do what's within his level of family relationship ability - call dad even for a 5 minute phone call. If he won't even do that much, them just tell dad 'I don't know' if he asks about him or wonders where he is.

Seems like there's always the one that chooses to be unavailable.
In my case, I've decided for my own mental and emotional health to detach from those who cannot be at, the very least, emotionally supportive.
They don't call Mother just to say hello. They don't call me to see how I'm getting along. The only time I talk to them is if I call. Well, I don't anymore. I'm not rude or anything like that. I just figure if they're not going to put forth any effort, I'm not going to expend all my energy being hurt or angry anymore. I'm not saying I'm not hurt and angry, but I'm not consumed. I know where we stand and that's fine.