Yet another day where I'm spending precious work time (I've missed several deadlines already) worrying about Daddy. ...So, it appears that the ALF nickling and diming has reached an EPIC proportion, and I can't afford it anymore. I initially thought that the exorbitant rent covered everything. My Dad is really only at the facility during the day 4 days a week. He goes to an Adult Day Center 3 days and only has breakfast and dinner at the ALF. The Adult Day Center bathes him so we don't need that service, and he honestly only eats a bowl of soup in the evenings for dinner. On weekends, I bring him food. Dad still dresses himself, so the only services he's using are Med Techs for medicine, assistance with oxygen and the safety of the facility. I typed all that to try to justify the extra $534 they now want to charge for "Personal Service" I currently work a second job to cover the difference between Dad's expenses and income, but I don't think I can do it much longer. Working more isn't an option, and I can't even claim Dad as a dependent. Dad loves the ALF, and compared to the facilities that accept Medicaid, it's a palace. Those places were depressing. The VA facility is an hour away from me and looks "institutional". We tried putting Dad in a senior apartment with nurses coming in, but he was miserable and the nurses were awful. I don't know what to do. This may sound terrible, but I am NOT cut out for caregiving. I tried having Dad in my home and spending 3 overnights with him when he was in the apartment. It was NOT a good thing. I don't know what to do.
Dad is completely at the max with all of his benefits (100% service connected, Aid and Attendance, etc.) Recently, I went on a wild goose chase because the Low Vision coordinator recommended having an updated vision exam to see if he qualified for a $500 increase - He didn't and I ran myself bananas making up the 4 hour absence at job number One.
Yes, our family put the "D" in dysfunctional, and I pretty much "do it all"... have since I was six years old, so it's very hard for me not to "people please".
It looks like he may just have to "suck it up" and go to a different facility. I met with the services coordinator (more time off work today) and reviewed how little of the extra services Dad is using.
I send Dad to the Adult Daycare for two reasons: 1) The VA covers it and that is the only way we can get him to bathe (they provide that service) and 2) The stubborn old grump sits in his room all day and complains about being lonely on the days he's not there.
He flat out refuses to even try to attend some of the many functions they offer at the ALF or any of the outings offered by the VA Low Vision Clinic, so I gave up on that one. When he's not at the adult day care he calls me CONSTANTLY.
I am going to definitely look into the Financial Advisor option -- especially since the VA told me that the fuduciary form it took me three days to complete is incorrect and I have 5 days to correct it. Seriously, who has TIME for all of this stuff?
My mom could not afford to live in an AL facility near me. I found a wonderful place in the country (about an hour away) that was half the cost. As someone mentioned earlier there are also wonderful private homes that care for the elderly. The farther you go out; the less expensive many of these places are.
A Place for Mom or a geriatric care manager have the resources and information you need to help you.
What you can do is get a hold of the facility admin or even the owners. I don't know if you had to sign anything when you admitted your dad to the facility, but it would be a smart move to read anything you may have had to sign if anything, specifically anything about what the rent covers. Definitely take your questions to the admin or the owners or maybe even both if he absolutely must be in a facility.
To be honest with you, I'm not cut out for caregiving either so I hear you! I had to deal with my foster dad as he was declining and I didn't know what to do or where to turn. What worsened the situation is he was renting from a slumlord who wouldn't fix nothing. This made an already bad situation far worse and I was even trying to help him save enough money to get out of there and move to a better, much safer place. I wanted to save up enough of his extra money and put it outside for him so I could actually act on his behalf and get him a better place, and just surprise him. The only thing I lacked was the manpower and a good vehicle to actually physically move him and his stuff to the new place. I could've easily landed him a new place, but getting him there would've been something I wouldn't have been able to do without the needed resources to finish the job. I got a hold of APS and told them about this slumlord and what I was trying to do to get dad a new place that was much safer, all the place he was at was definitely not safe with wildlife such as raccoons and stuff coming in the walls and even into the apartment. Getting the cops or even the fire department to get rid of the wild animals was near impossible. The fire department was supposed to come and help but never showed up and I eventually got that sneaking sinking feeling they weren't coming. The cops did very little to remedy the problem and they only turned one raccoon loose close to the road, leaving it to come right back in again. He said it wasn't the first time a raccoon actually got in, according to him, he even saw one during the early morning hours. This was a very big raccoon but I'm not sure how it got in. It was not safe for dad to live in that place anymore and I couldn't do anything if I couldn't get him out of there without the right help and a good vehicle to move him and his stuff. I explained to the APS I was trying to get him out of there but I had no help or a vehicle and I needed some help to get him out of there before one of those wild animals actually bit him. It was quite a long while, but the APS finally stepped in and said to other people besides me made anonymous reports, which is why they finally stepped in and moved him themselves. What shocked me is his apartment was taken away from him within a matter of days, he didn't get to enjoy it and we didn't even get everything unpacked before he was admitted straight to a nursing home after two hospitalizations for pneumonia and signs of self-neglect. I can't just force him to take care of himself, change his clothes and wash them. I was willing to do his laundry for him, but he wasn't willing to bring out his dirty clothes. I couldn't make him so I left it alone. I also couldn't put him in the shower without needed help, he stunk real bad. His appetite unfortunately was not that great and he wouldn't eat anything healthy, just a greasy TV dinners. There was just not much I could do without the right help and I'm glad APS finally stepped in and got him a new place. If given guardianship though, I was willing to give him the best possible life and get him back to health by getting even a feeding tube into him and getting some weight back on him so he would feel better and have less arthritis pain. Yes, he was the dad I never had growing up, and I tried to be the closest thing to a daughter as I possibly could because he lost his daughter who was born with half heart function, and his wife to cancer. Therefore, he had no one to take care of him in his old age, not even grandkids to come around. He was hoping to see some kids out of me, he was hoping I would have a daughter. Sadly though, I never found the right man to marry and I won't have kids with no man I'm not married to. No husband, no kids
I went to one with huge entry but it was also part coffee bar with nice seating for residents to talk with each other - another has smaller lobby but rooms were nice size - it depends on the needs of each person - a minimalist needs a smaller room than someone who wants book shelves full of family pix
I agree dad's money should pay for him not yours - you sound stretched too thin now [both money & mentally] & where are your savings for your old age - this may sound harsh but he made choices all his life that put him in this position, unless he too supported his parents, where did his money go? -
Don't try to remove old guilts this way if that is what you are doing - it seems you are 'oversupporting' him with bringing food regularly etc - that reads as old problems you are trying to fix but what is happening is that you might be creating new ones of possible resentment for how you live now with your robbed time - what else is going on in your life as you don't seem to have time for much else! - do some rethinking particularly on why you're breaking your back working to support him in luxury!!
To original poster - more research into other options... check out any and all available locations. There are a lot available, but as you know some are not as good as others. The care given is the important part, not so much what it looks like. It is hard that he likes the place, but cannot afford it. As another said, you mentioned VA place, have you tapped into the VA benefits? We are working on the paperwork for mom, which is about 1150/month if they approve, for dad's service.
I am somewhat in the same position. I am carrying for my husband with severe peripheral neuropathy. He cannot walk or stand and pivot on own. Three weeks ago he had a pulmonary embolism and was in hospital then skilled nursing for a total of almost 3 weeks. Did well in PT but Dr wanted him to go to assisted living or board and care. Looked and just couldn't do that with what I saw. Spoke with social worker and suggested adult day care. Working on that now.
So he was home for two days, assistance in the mornings. I was putting him to bed last night and he feared would fall so did even though I was helping. Wouldn't get on knees and hands cuz said it hurt too much. Had to call son (30 min away) to come help.
Realize Dr is right -- but other options either too awful or too expensive. And just understanding that the initial price of care as stated is just for rent, higher level of care is additional as are supplies, etc.
I wish I could offer suggestions or helpful comments but I am to of them.
It is good to be kind to your father, absolutely. But putting your own health and future at risk doesn't make sense.
I can afford a short vacation in a nearby state this year. But I would really, really, like to have a month abroad. Do you think my kids should scrimp and pay the cost of a trip abroad for me because I would like that a whole lot better? I don't!
Staying at the "palace" is awesome if your dad can afford it. Otherwise he will need to make-do with what he can afford.
(And BTW some of those places that look institutional or not well-decorated, etc. provide first-rate care. And some of the palaces don't. You can't always judge by appearances.)
Dad's resources should be paying for dad's care. Not yours.
I've gathered from your posts that you come from a pretty dysfunctional family (13 ex wives, right?).
In my relatively functional family, none of us would think of paying for Mom's care. We are none of us poor, but neither can we afford to give mom everything she might 'want'. She is in a 12000$ per month nh, shared room. Would she like a private room? Probably, but she can't afford that and we are not going to make it happen.
Your dad is so very lucky to have you, but you need to stop killing yourself.