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Hello everyone, first – I am grateful to have found this site early on. Here is a semi quick back story:


I am 29, my father passed away in April of this year. My mom went into ER the next day and my fiancé and I planned the funeral, and since then my mom’s health has progressively gotten a bit worse. She has a wide series of health problems including stage 3 kidney failure, lung disease, congestive heart failure, fibromyalgia, pulmonary heart disease. Much of this she has had since I was a child but has gotten much worse over the years. She almost passed away several weeks ago and had to have an emergency colon resection surgery. Thankfully the surgery went very well, but the recovery for her will be long. It is my greatest hope of course that she recovers completely. I am concerned as she can already only drive 20 miles at a time alone, she cannot walk for extended periods of time, be without oxygen. She eats badly and has so much stuff in her house it literally scares me, much of which was my fathers and we are still trying to figure out how to get rid of it all. It is basically organized hoarding. She is usually mentally ‘there’ but does have moments of what is similar to dementia, generally when her blood pressure drops (it drops very low – coma low - randomly due to myriad of health problems). She is in rehab right now and has days when she will walk and do what is asked of her, and days where she will not eat or get out of bed. I plan to help her for a week once she is out of the hospital, but she lives 45 minutes away, the rehab center is an hour away, and I feel guilty saying this – but I already feel myself getting burned out (I have been visiting her 3x /week, missing work, calling daily, cleaning the house/taking care of the bills, etc. on top of dealing with my own personal matters). I don’t mind doing these things, but I fear that as things get worse I will be expected to take care of her an increasing amount, as that expectation has already been proclaimed in semi subtle ways by other family members.


I am getting married next year and we would like to buy a house, possibly move eventually, travel more. I want to eventually have a child. I have a brother who lives in another state, he plans to fly down to help for a week as well, but he has no intention of moving to Florida, and I would not expect him to. I am requesting advice to those who have already been down this road, are there any tips or resources I should look into? Does anyone have advice as to what I need to do and be cautious of? How do I prevent losing my life over this while ensuring hers is comfortable? How can I get rid of all this crap (there is SO much)!? I want nothing other than what is best for my mother, but want to be careful that I do not sacrifice my life. My goal is to find a healthy balance so that I have neither resentment nor guilt; although perhaps that is naïve?


Thanks so much!

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I think the key is in setting health boundaries. You have already made a list of some of your hopes and dreams, when your mother's needs begin to effect those goals you will need to learn how to say no. That doesn't mean you have to turn a cold shoulder, just find ways to help that don't compromise your own life.
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kudos, cwillie! My husband and I have "been there" for years for my mom; suddenly a couple months ago she went badly downhill physically and needed around the clock care..... I moved in to her apt for 5 days, with her housekeeper doing the two weekends. After that she stabilized, and we made some necessary changes.... called social services, who provided a shower lady 2X a week, her housekeeper/laundry lady, a weekly visit with an RN, a life alert system, a GOOD shower chair and various other implements to help keep her independent and in her apt with her beloved cat. I call several times a week; she calls me. I take her to church and perhaps one more place per week; she pays her helper if she wants to do more, and pays another to pick up mail, haul groceries from the car, and take out trash. Someone else comes and cuts the cat's claws and her hairdresser comes to the apt. These things cost, but nothing like AL would, or a nursing home, and she can stay with her cat and friends in familiar surroundings, and not wear me out and drive me crazy "doing" for her..... We are working on compromises - like how many times I will haul the walker out of the van when I take her out; answer is once, twice on a good day. The bank and Dairy Queen have drive thru windows, and I will go in some of the stores and get the stuff; she stays in the van.... easier on me, who has my own issues at 65. My husband is helping me with this, and mom is responding better than she used to. The other day she said "Good that you TELL me you are tired and we have to limit some things today; otherwise you would get to resent doing things with and for me." Isn't that good? You can do it, too.....
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You go ahead and get married and at that point, your husband is number one priority. Mom needs to move to assisted living and let them do the driving. If she won't do this, you walk away. You call APS and let them take protective custody. No other way!! If she tries to make you feel guilty, end the conversation. Come back her often and share your questions. We will help.
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Mally, how great that your Mom understands that your time is valuable and you also have your limits. Good that you were able to get all your ducks in a row and your Mom is acceptable of the plan... one very smart lady :)

Oh how I wished I would have found the Aging Care forum years ago, it would have prevented major burn out for me. I would have set boundaries from day one, instead of saying "yes" to anything my parents [in their 90's still living in their house] for anything they wanted. I thought I was being a good polite child.

I never realized until later that I was changing my lifestyle so that my parents could continue one with theirs. They were able to sleep at night while I was at my home wide awake worrying about everything. They were going to their doctor appointment... it felt like every week... while I had cancelled all of mine. My parents were decorating for Christmas while I had no energy and could care less about the holiday.

RARACA, so sorry for the loss of your father, and to read about the many health issues your Mom has had most of her life. As you read other forums on Aging Care, most important is to sent boundaries. Could your Mom afford to have caregivers come in daily to help her? Would Mom be agreeable to selling the house and downsizing? Maybe go into a senior apartment complex where she will make friends who will help looking out for each other?

As for the items in the house, there are nationwide haulers that one can hire to come in to help. Before hiring, when your brother comes to town, see if you, your fiance, and your brother can sort through as much as you can... but only if everyone focuses on the job. Some people are good at going through things, others get so very distracted. There are haulers who will take out good items that aren't needed and donate them, giving your Mom the donation receipt.

Now I wonder if your Mom wants all those things in the house? With some people, they feel more comfortable with a lot of stuff around them. Makes them feel safe. It will be interesting to see if both of your parents were gathers of things, not just your Dad.
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Has your mom appointed her Durable Power of Attorney and Healthcare POA? I'd make sure that is done immediately, and if you are not interested in doing it, make sure she appoints someone who will be able to do it.

I would be curious as to what is going on with your mom that is causing her to go to bed for days, refusing to eat and not acting right. Is she depressed, in pain, exhausted, dementia, etc. I'd try to spend enough time really observing what is going on with her.

It sounds like you are aware that she could need continued hands on care, not only of her person, but her finances, house, etc. Also, is she actually hoarding? I would follow up on questions about not only her physical health, but her mental health. That kind of decline can be very challenging for family members and can be extremely time consuming for family members.

I'd also discuss your mom's future. While she may very well fully recover, she might not, in which case, I'd like to know her desires for treatments, long term care, etc. As long as she's mentally sound, I'd discuss what her plans are regardless of what happens. I'd let her know what your plans are, so her expectations are not out of line.

It seems that in light of her situation, maintaining a house seems inconvenient.
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Thankfully I already am her Medical Power of Attorney. Regarding all the items in the house, most of it was my fathers, he wasn't a typical hoarder that saves absolutely everything and lives in a 'gross' environment, but there was definitely neurotic behavior there. For example, he has probably well over 200 flashlights, 100+ clocks, there is stuff, crap really, 'hidden' absolutely everywhere. My mom isn't as bad but she does have some similarities, like buying 20 bags of frozen veggies and stocking up on things that aren't needed because they're on sale. She has lots, too; and she does want to clean things up, but the problem is she wants as much money as possible for these items, so it's really hard to get rid of it. She finally agreed to get an appraiser in the house and maybe some estate person can take it off our hands, but I'm not really sure what that process is unfortunately. If anyone could shed some light on this it would be really appreciated. She still isn't quite ready to sell the house, but does seem like she is getting closer to that idea. She doesn't like the idea of having aids/caregivers in the house, but I might push that idea more as I think that might be the best direction at this point.
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" I fear that as things get worse I will be expected to take care of her an increasing amount, as that expectation has already been proclaimed in semi subtle ways by other family members." What are the ways your family members have expressed this expectation? (Maybe we can help you come up with responses.)

Don't jeopardize your job over this (you wrote that you are already missing work). Maybe the time to take action is before she leaves the rehab?

You deserve a life. You are looking ahead to marriage, buying a house, having a child at some point...all of this can be in jeopardy if you let your mother take the lead. Don't do it!
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raraca, I read your post a couple of times. There are two things that really jump out at me. First, you are just starting to build your life and need to be able to do that. You are getting married, buy a home, and have a child in the next ten years. You can't let this critical period in your own life pass you by. You can help your mother without providing a lot of hands-on care.

The second thing is that your mother has health problems that are not going to get better. She may have some good days, but she is going to need a lot of help. She needs more than a young daughter who deserves a chance to build her own life. She may be wanting to stay in her house and not change things, but that does not mean that you have to donate your life so she can do it. That would not be good for either of you.

Next year you will have your job and a new husband. I imagine you'll be looking for a house that will have at least one extra bedroom for the baby you want to have. That is what is most important. With that in mind, decide what you can do for your mother. I would get some advice on programs available in your area. Does your mother get Medicare or Medicaid. There may be a strong PACE program in your community if she wants to age in place. See what they have to offer. Is there an affordable assisted living community near you? That to me sounds the most ideal. Check with the county's Department of Human Services to see what might be available for people in your mother's area. Whatever you do, don't feel like it is your responsibility to give up your income, life, and dreams to take care of your mother. There are better solutions. Your mother can say no to them, but you have to set limits on how much you can help.

Been there and I am still there, so I know how these things go. You're much to young to find yourself painted into a corner.
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Stuff does not matter. Your mom has unrealistic expectations about what her stuff is worth as did my inlaws before we downsized them to independent living. Stuff my inlaws spent big bucks on fetched next to nothing when the estate liquidator came. Things that always fetch real money are precious metals - jewelry, coin collections - and certain types of collectibles. Think Antiques Roadshow. Unfortunately, most of the stuff my inlaws spent tons of money on and years collecting ended up getting donated to our church's thrift store. I'll never forget walking into the thrift store with another batch of items to donate and seeing a piece from my inlaws with a $2 price tag on it.

That said, it is very nice of you and your brother to each take a week off to go and help your mother; however, I think you realize that that's not sustainable. It's great that you have Medical Power of Attorney; however, financial POA is just as important perhaps even more so if your mother recovers and long term care plans need to be made and paid for. You and your brother together need to figure out what your mom's financial situation is. Selling the house, for example, may be the only way to pay for your mom's long term care needs.
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My sister-in-law just recently went through the "stuff" ordeal with her mom who needed to move to AL. The garage was stuffed with every Barbie ever made, every Avon cologne car, unopened boxes of Wheaties with athletes dating back decades, etc. Her mom was refusing to let things go for less that what she thought they were worth. As my SIL quickly found out - nothing was worth what her mom thought. They fought over all that stuff for months. A sale of the house even fell through because mom wouldn't allow anything from the garage to be moved. So - good luck!
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My mother also has a false value on what her things are worth. I deal with these things, so I know that most of her things have no value beyond what the price they would get at a yard sale. Most things like Barbies and Avon bottles were made in such great numbers that they have little value. The market is flooded with these things.

Sometimes people approach me about buying their "collections" of coins or other things. I usually dread it, because there is rarely anything that is worth more than a few dollars. They usually get a bit offended when I tell them that I can't use them and maybe they would have some luck on eBay.

My mother has a coat rack/umbrella stand that is about 100 years old. She thinks it is worth a fortune. To me it is just something else to get rid of when it comes time. There is just no market for these oversized pieces of old furniture unless there is something special about it. Just being antique doesn't sell things these days.
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Thank you all so much, I really appreciate the responses. My mother is extremely private, so I don't forsee becoming a financial power of attorney. I agree that my brother and I have some serious discussions to have regarding my mothers living situation.

CTTN55 - regarding my family members comments, a close cousin to my mother mentioned coyly that she doesn't understand why she isn't living with someone, and by the cattiness I presume she meant that she couldn't understand why she isn't living with me. All of my family members, other than my brother, are much older than me by 20+ years, and unfortunately are all very, very opinionated.
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RARACA, sounds like this cousin might want you to take care of her! Don't let these relatives prey on you.

Keep us updated on the discussions you have with your brother. A united front is what is needed.
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RARACA, getting your mom to sign a POA doesn't mean that she gives up any control at this point, unless that's what she wants. A durable power of attorney can be written so that her agent can only do things if mom has been declared incapacitated, and I think it can even specify what the requirements are for getting this declaration. We have a trust, which specifies the conditions under which one of us can be declared incapacitated (two doctors and spouse must certify) to manage financial affairs, and our POAs use the trust's definition. Many people do grant POA to somebody which gives the agent powers during the person's capacity as well, but maybe a durable POA wouldn't feel to your mom like an invasion of privacy. Also she can appoint anybody she wants to to be the agent, and can change it at will as long as she hasn't been declared incapacitated. You could stress to her that if she doesn't do this and becomes unable to manage her affairs, you (or whoever wants to do it) will have to apply for guardianship and the state will decide who is going to do it. She probably won't like that idea; I certainly don't! By the way, is your medical POA durable?
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RARACA you are at a crucial point: be sure to make good decisions now. Great that you realize you need to set boundaries. First is the financial and medical; you and your brother should consult an elder law attorney to set up all the documents that will be legal in your state (state laws vary greatly). A good attorney will do this all at once swoop (mine only cost me $750). Will, Trust (so that you are set up so that once your mom has spent down her assets, she can qualify for medicaid, if long term care is needed), POA (which is sounds like you already have?), Medical POA and advance directives. Be sure you and your brother cooperate to organize her finances in advance so neither one of you feels they have been cut out of decisions.

Likewise, the house: she can sell it or deed it to you but there is a 5-year medicaid look back, so be very sure you ask an attorney about this before selling it. About the clutter in the house: there are organizing companies and hoarding-helper companies in every state in the land. If you google "help with hoarder" you will see a huge range of options, from the light organizing of closets and clearing of spaces, to the full hauling-away companies, and including psychologists who specialize in it (doesn't sound like you need the extreme end of this, but I was glad to consult organizers who had experience with the elderly).

I would say to get all this set up as soon as you can, in consultation with your brother After it is all set, I would say that you and your fiance need to move out of town ad start your new lives!! (Some will disagree and say it is easier to handle things when you are in town; that does make sense in some situations. Others find it easier to get Mom settled and clear out. Personally I am so so so glad not to live nearby.)

You will have to decide; how is your fiance dealing with all this? Remember this is stressful on him too. GOOD LUCK and don't let anyone, not that cousin or your mom or anyone, guilt you into betraying your own life. Next time that cousin says that, turn with a tone of sweet delighted surprise, "OH Cousin Beth how NICE of you to volunteer for Mom to live with you! Thank you SO much!" Hahh. Seriously, let them make whatever remarks they want: if they are so unhappy with her situation they can invite her to live with them. Keep a clear eye on your own life and future, which is your first job.
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First, her long term prognosis does not look too promising in my opinion as a nurse, her home is a potential fire danger with so much stuff and oxygen in use, and you can call either a junk service or donation truck to come remove all the clutter. Depending on her finances and health insurance get professional help to help her. If your father worked and she did not, she can collect social security death benefits or go social security disability for her. List the aid of the social worker at the rehab facility, your local church, or anyone else in the medical community you think can help. Leave no stone unturned in your quest to find answers. I am sorry you lost your father and best wishes on your future wedding.
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It is so hard to have balance in these situations. I have 2 brothers and a sister and we visit our mom every day in the facility where she is. My sister has never accepted the fact that it was not feasible for mom to live with her and she hates the facility and there is nothing that they do that is "right" according to my sister. She visits more than any of us to check on things. She claims she has not been out with friends or had any free time in 2 years. When I talk with her about taking time for herself and taking a break she claims she cannot do that because she has to "check" on mom's care. She is burned out but will not help herself. Please, don't put yourselves in that situation. Assure that your loved one is getting care and set your limits about what you can and cannot do. It was hard to place my mom in a facility but my siblings and I realized after taking care of her 24/7 in her condo that we could not do it on a continuous basis. (Everyone agreed except my sister) You need to have your own life and take care of yourself otherwise you won't have the energy to take care of her needs. And even though she is in a facility where she does get good care, there are still things you have to do for her. So it is not that you are abandoning her or her care...rather you are doing what is best for all.
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You take care of you first---fiancé is 2nd and mom is third, This sounds callous, but you can easily lose yourself in the mess of caregiving and I have never seen a husband be supportive of 24/7 caregiving of an inlaw. Never. I think it may happen, but esp in the case you'll be newlyweds.....
I just flew home on a plane with a woman who recounted to me the last 4 years of her life where she had cared 24/7 for her dying mother. The health issues this woman went through--all due to the stress of caregiving--I had commented on my minimal care involvement with my own mother and she told me to NEVER step up as primary caregiver. Her mother had recently passed and she said she was still working on regaining her "balance". She was a retired Navy nurse--so she'd definitely seen things--and she said caring for her mother alone was the hardest thing she'd ever gone through. And she'd served in battle conditions! She was adamant that if it came to it I should make sure my mother was placed in the best NH we could get and be sure to visit a lot--but to continue to live my life as normally as possible. You are young and your life is all ahead of you. Who knows? Your mother may surprise you and live 10, 20 more years.
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RARACA You are very young and approaching Married Life to have Your Mom's Care entrusted upon Your shoulders. Nice of the other Family members to be pushing the onus of responsibility over on You with semi subtle digs, hmmmmmn can They get up off Their butts at all ? If not then suggest to Your Mom that She kneed's to sell Her home and go into Care where She will be treated round the clock by wonderful Professional Staff. It was so different for Me as I'm 56 years and heading towards the back door of Life, where as You RARACA are just beginning Your Life. Good Luck to You and Your dear Mum.
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Johnjoe - you are way to young to consider yourself as "heading towards the back door"! I'm almost 55 and while I'm way past the front hall - I'm still exploring the house!
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Rainmom You are just after giving Me the best Laugh of the day. You are hilarious and a true Sweet Heart. Thank You Rainmom, I really kneeded that, ☘ J J.
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At all costs, you must protect your own health. You will be good to no one, if you're a caregiver or not, if you fall ill!
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My 85year old Dad has been hospitalised twice this year
with different health problems. One of the questions the hospital asks in the
1st week, is, "Does he have anyone who can stay with him until he recovers"

This is a weighted question. It really means, we want to free up beds and staff,
and we are quite happy to have you put your life on hold for weeks nusing and
doing everything for him, even down to emptying piddle bottles for him, which I did when out of kindness, i said I would look after him, when they asked the question ,"does he have anyone who can stay with him"
Dad of course is pushing to get home and is quite happy for me to wait on him hand and foot.
So this time when he fell and broke the big lower bone on his leg, I was
waiting for the question from the hospital, and when they asked the question, I had steeled myself to not feel guilty or mean, and said straight out," no."

It turns out he spent another 5weeks in hospital,needing quite a lot of care,and they organised transitional carers to come in, when he came home from hospital.
If I hadnt stood my ground it would have all been left for me to worry about.

Dad wouldnt have carers come to the house before, but now he is very accepting of them coming. He has finally understood that I am not going to live with him
as he ages. But he kept talking like I was going to move in with him no matter what I said.
But since I dug my toes in,at the hospital on a few occasions refusing to
cave in to movng in to care for him, he seems to finally have realised, I mean what I say. The hospital staff also applies subtle and not so subtle pressure to
hand the responibility of his care over to me, but legally they couldnt send him home with noone to care for him. They even said because I held the Power of Attorney over his health, I was obligated to move in with him.
I said, well I can revoke that Power of Attorney and they ceased that argument.
Im sure they wouldnt say that a public guardian with Power of Attorney
over his health, had to move in with him.

I took him out yesterday for lunch at Sizzlers and to get his groceries, now he can walk with a wheelie walker, but is the carers who are doung his chors and caring
for him day n day out. Instead of me having to be there waiting on him every day
and really feeling angry and rsenting it.
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sorry for the spell checker spelling errors in my post
but I couldnt get the screen to move up to the start to
proof read it, so out of frustration I went ahead and posted it.
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I found your story very interesting, cheryl67.The medical monopoly around here somehow changes my mother's forms in the computer to have me living with her (I am the emergency contact). I'm sure they like the way it looks, because she is 90 years old.
One of the biggest pieces of advice I've gotten from this site is to continually stress during discharge planning that she lives alone, and that no, I am not available to take care of her. It seems as if those with no one get to stay in the hospital longer? So those of us who do take the elders home with us (or go home with them) are actually helping the others who have no one? Do those with no one actually get more covered services from Medicare?
If (and maybe it's really a matter of when) my mother lands in the hospital (probably after a fall), I have roleplayed with myself what I'm going to say when they ask the loaded question about whether she has someone to stay with her (after they realize I don't live with her). I am ready for their guilting and my mother's unhappiness. I stayed with her after her heart valve replacement (a few days, not really a big deal), but I also stayed with her for over a week when she was nearly helpless after somehow straining her back. The latter wasn't after a hospitalization, so another scenario would involve different issues, as the doctor wouldn't arrange for a care agency. But, still, it wouldn't be me, not after the way I was treated the other time. I'm too old to comfortably segue into the role of slave...
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You need to get the county/state involved NOW! Otherwise you will have no life, no husband, no kids, job, nothing. You are only 29. I'd guess your mom wasn't taking care of her mother at 29 was she? Of course not. Go have a life. Explain that to your mother and move on or suffer the consequences. It sounds harsh, and it is. Read some of the stories on this message board. Don't lock yourself into that hell. Best of luck to you.
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JessieBelle: I am pretty knowledgeable about vintage items/antiques. However, that said, it doesn't mean squat if the local antique shoppe that you attempt to sell your elders' items to cannot accept them. It all comes down to supply and demand, e.g. the local antique shoppe had so many depression glassware pieces that WEREN'T moving that she couldn't accept any more! So what your elder deems as very high in value ends up to be "not the case" because the antique dealer can't sell it and is overrun with stuff!
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So true, Llama. When I see a table of pressed glass I head the other way. Nothing is more depressing than depression glass. Most pattern glass is so common that it is hard to give away. Unless something is exceptional, I can't afford the inventory space it would occupy. It is the type of stuff I love to donate to thrift stores if I get stuck with it. Thrift stores are a great place for this type of thing, because what is trash to some is treasure to others.
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Cheryl67 and CTTN56; you're sure helping me.... my mom has several caregivers and I do what I can around the edges (visit, bring stuff she wants from several stores, take her somewhere 1X a week); she pays someone the other 2-4 times. I have had to back off for my marriage and my own health at 65, and do NOT have POA, which I see from your posts, is a good idea not to have it (don't think she'd give it to me, anyway). I will say a resounding NO if it comes time to the question of staying with her - been there, done that. Thank you for speaking up!
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JesseBelle: I like vintage items; don't get me wrong; but I try to be sensible about it because it's just more stuff for my daughter to pick off when I leave this earth hopefully many years from now!
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