Mom is in last stages of Life! How do I prepare for this? - AgingCare.com

Mom is in last stages of Life! How do I prepare for this?

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My mom lived with me here in UT for four months and couldn't breath here because of her COPD. Took her back to my sister's in NY and still having issues breathing. She is not talking to people who we can't see and and halucinating sometimes. She is up most of the night doing this for the last couple of nights except last night my sis told me she slept the entire night without having to get up to go to the bathroom. Very strange for my mom as she usually gets up 5-8 times a night. Hospice was called in today and they informed us that she may be with us from 2-3 months. They said she was in her last stage of life. I am a mess. I cry all the time. I feel like I didn't do what I should have done for her while she was here. I lost my patence way too fast but was frustrated that all she wanted to do was sleep. I was so stupid because I know this is not what she chooses to do but what her body is demanding. I said my goodbyes when I dropped her off at my sister's home but I feel like I need to be there by her side when she goes. This is so difficult because I live way across the map and have a child and husband that still needs me here. I know no one but God knows when her time to be in Heaven with Jesus is, but how do I prepare for this? I am 47 years old and feel like a child who is lost. This is not about me, I understand that, but I have no control over this situation and I don't know what to do. I ask for prayers to get my mom through her transition as peaceful as possible. As for me, I hope I can be strong in her time of need.

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This is so hard for me to write because I lost my Mom yesterday. I took care of Mom for six years until I started declining, I'm 65. I have a full time job, I get up at 5:00 am and don't get home till 5:00 pm.............to say the least......I was exhausted, I thought I was going to die. Mom started having mental issues and was hospitalized, then sent to rehab. I love her so much and all she wanted to do was go home................I just couldn't do it any longer. I would go to rehab directly after work at 3:30 and stay till 7:00 pm or 8:00 pm......so I was still exhausted but didn't want to miss one day without seeing her. She was angry with me because I wouldn't take her home, the guilt was awful. I asked when they thought it would be the end so I could take a leave and stay with her. I was going up to the rehab at 12:00 yesterday when they called and said she was "actively dying". She was not responsive but it's true the hearing is the last to go so the nurses told us to keep talking. I've always told her she was the best and that I loved her but now it seemed more important. My daughter, me and the pastor's wife, stayed with her till the end which was so incredibly peaceful, our prayers for a sweet death were answered...praise God. My regret is that I didn't take her home which I fully knew I couldn't do. I will try to work through this with the help of the amazing, kind and caring people on this website. In my mind I still see her crumpled up in her wheel chair stationed by the nurses station and my heart breaks. I did everything for since my father died in 1995 but I'm having a hard time that I couldn't do it for the last month of her life.
The bottom line is, for me, to try to focus on all the good I did and not beat myself up for the last month, but the personality of caregivers is one of complete dedication, we want to do everything right so of course we have regrets and guilt it is part of the caregivers personality or else we wouldn't be caregivers. We (caregivers) put the needs of others first.
My Mom was such a good and loving person I am sure in my heart that she has reunited with all her past relatives, God is rewarding her for all she has done her whole life and is happy and peaceful. I know if I give my worries to God he will console me and hope Mom can come and give a sign of encouragement.
I love you all on this website, you are all so loving and supportive.
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I'm sorry about your mom. My mom lost her final battle to cancer last year, but I was fortunate enough to live only a mile away. Hospice is pretty good about telling you a really close time frame as to when your mom will die. So it is possible that you could make one final trip to see her. Don't give up on that idea totally yet. And give yourself a break about the feeling any remorse as to how you may or may not have treated her. As a mom yourself, you know how it is when you get frustrated with your kids. It's no different with your own mom, she knew you were frustrated with the whole circumstance, and she still loved you. Just like you love your kids and they love you, even though you might holler at them once in awhile. That's life. I would suggest to you, shore up the relationships you have with your sister and any other siblings at this time. You're going to need each other, believe me. And cry if you want to for heavens sake, you're losing your mom who you probably thought would never die. I thought my mom and dad would live forever I guess. Never thought of the alternative of mom not being here to boss us around. ♥
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What could you have done different... nothing.... it was what it was... and as was shared with you.... who doesn't get cranky and frustrated and tired... we all do.... hopefully you will get to make a trip to tell her ' till I see you again'.... it doesn't have to be the very end.... but if you have enough time to get there, I hope you do if that's what you need to do for you....
I'm so grateful for my views of death, M is with Hospice now, it could be weeks or a few months... we don't know... and I'm glad we don't.... keeps us real....
So, yes we are praying for you and your mom and your family.... you are not alone... come back and tell us how we can help you... just vent if you need to... glad you are here.... we can do pretty much anything together.... hugs across the miles to you....
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Very sorry about your mom. I know you are miles away, make phone calls to her daily, she will know you are thinking about her and you care even though your miles apart. If your mom can't talk have your sister to hold the phone to her ear so she can hear your precious voice. I was a nurse and do know that the family being near is wonderful for the person transitioning from life to death. Remember this the hearing is always the last thing to go! We are human and can only do so much. Don't beat yourself up with what I, could have, should have done. You did what you needed to do for yourself and your mom. Prayers for you and your family!
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Love is such a strong emotion that it makes us irrational. You s
did your best. We are human, therefore, we have limitations. It's okay to cry. When I cry and pray to Christ, he helps me feel better and sometimes gives me a new perspective. No matter what your faith is, Christ will be glad to help you through this.
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I pray for you to have courage and strength during this sad time.
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Dear Carmen,
Please don't feel guilty about anything, but be grateful that you have 2-3 months left with your mom. Do you have a computer? If your sister has a laptop you could talk to her daily on Skype.
My mother in law had Alzheimers. She was at home for 4 years and a nursing facility for 5. We brought her home for her last days. I felt so guilty about the nursing home but she was happy there. I came to the realization that things would happen in God's time and not mine and my responsibility was to make her comfortable and happy while she was here with us.
She was at home for 12 days. Hospice was here and they were wonderful. They prepared me every step of the way. If I were in your position, I would contact your sister as often as possible and be a support for her. She can also keep you updated about the progression and what Hospice is telling the family. I brought Mom home because I knew she would get better treatment at home with the family. We were trained to give her the meds and take care of all her needs.
When she passed, I was able to tell her it was time to go with Pap pap and I got in bed with her and held her so she wouldn't be afraid.
Even though Mom was home, her children were in denial that she was passing and they didn't come to see her until they were called that she was passing. They didn't visit her much in the nursing home either. I guess if they weren't around to see what is going on, it is easy to pretend it is not happening. She was like a mother to me and I miss her every moment. She did everything with my family. I would be like you Carmen and worry all the time because I wouldn't have any control of the situation. The best thing you can do is try to support your sister and do what you can to be there in the end.
Mom had alzheimers but she new where she was when she came home. She also shared things with us that we never thought she would remember. The day before Thanksgiving she couldn't move on her own or speak. Thanksgiving Day she woke up to the smell of Turkey and she didn't need her Morphine, she was her old self all day but she still wouldn't eat. We had our dinner in the TV room where her bed was. She offered to help me cook and clean up if I would get her out of bed. It was a wonderful gift from God. That night about 7:00 she needed her meds. She never awoke again. She passed the next day.
What I am trying to tell you is please don't look at these next few months with sadness but with joy. Our time on earth is just preparing us for our time in a place where there is no sickness or pain. In the end, things may happen that you know she is going to that place. My mother in law talked to her mom and dad all the time. This is the time we are given to make peace with our parent but more importantly it is their time to make peace with themselves. In their minds, they are preparing for the journey and you have to look at it with this perspective or you will go crazy. This doesn't help your family at home either. God Bless and if I can be of any help or assistance, please let me know...
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(((((Carmen)))))) no doubt you are grieving in anticipation of losing your mum. I was across the country from my dad. I got a call that he was in his last days. I had three chldren at home. I made arrangements for someone to care for the kids, and travelled to be with my dad. He was still conscious, but evidently not long for this world. I couldn't stay till the end - my arrangements at home didn't allow for that. I stayed a few days, He and I both knew he was dying. We spent a few days of quality time together, and then we said good bye, as I had to return. He was at peace, and that was a great gift to me. You have done what you could for your mum - be at peace about that. As far as the ease of her transition, there is not much you can do about that except pray. She is where she needs to be at this time of her life, with the care that is available. You are right, that you have no control, but you do have some choices. You can choose to visit your mum, when hospice indicates her time is very short. IN that, there is a risk that you will not get there in time. You can choose to visit in, say, 6 weeks, which may be before her time is up. No one knows how accurate the 2-3 months is, but it is all you have to go o,, and hospice has much experience in this. Have you discussed with your husband how long it is manageable for you to be away? I think you will feel better if you can make some sort of a plan, and reconcile yourself with the possibility of not being able to be by your mother's side when she goes, no matter how carefully you make those plans. Simply, that is the reality you are facing. Some people pass quickly and some more slowly.

This is a difficult time for all. I gather people can feel like an orphan when both parents have passed, I don't have that experience yet, so feeling like a lost child may not be that unusual. By all means cry, and express your grief as you need to. My heart goes out to you.((((((Hugs))))))) and prayers at this difficult time in your life. Let us know what you work out. Joan
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The time is difficult. Try to remember all the times you shared with your mom not what you imagine you could have done different. The difficulty you are having is because you are a good loving daughter. Remember that.
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Very sorry about your mom. I know you are miles away, make phone calls to her daily, she will know you are thinking about her and you care even though your miles apart. If your mom can't talk have your sister to hold the phone to her ear so she can hear your precious voice. I was a nurse and do know that the family being near is wonderful for the person transitioning from life to death. Remember this the hearing is always the last thing to go! We are human and can only do so much. Don't beat yourself up with what I, could have, should have done. You did what you needed to do for yourself and your mom. Prayers for you and your family!
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