How do I prepare myself for a visit with my neurotic, needy mother?

Sadly, I had to do the same with the tape recorder when I was in college.

Elder Abuse accusations are probably the last way these folks can attempt to control us. A witness is important for this reason alone - forgotten fall's bruises can be blamed on us, and missing/misplaced items certainly will be. But not to our faces, of course.

My witness is simply to validate my feelings about what I have let roll off my back, and congratulate me on not reacting.

surprise, it's interesting you take a witness on your visits. Just before my mom cut me out of her life, I had to take one of my adult kids along on visits. If they weren't available, I took a mini tape recorder in my pocket. She had started accusing me of elder abuse if I said something she didn't like. She was setting me up. I later conveyed this to my attorney and he said it happens a lot. It was an eye opener and a very sad day when I realized what she was doing.

Back when I "needed" to go see my mthr before going to Boston, I had bought her little toys etc to placate her while we were gone. It had not worked before, so I don't know why I thought it would be useful then. Glad I mailed them.

When we took the kids to see her right before Easter, she proudly showed off the spinny colored water toy AND the toys from Boston I took her after my kids tired of thm: a colored water hourglass thingy and a pop-eyed baby dino my 6 year old drove us crazy with, popping out his eyes for an entire day in the car.

After mthr showed them off, the 6 year old started turning over the toys to make them "go", and she waved him off - "He will break my things! Get him away!" It was more than three months since we had brought the kids over last because she had verbally abused the teenager, yet she could not be sweet to those who gave her the very toys she was protecting.

Point is, NOTHING we do is going to make her any different than who she has always been. What is different is how we react to her. I don't *need* to visit anymore, I only go when I want to, and I take a witness to support me if/when she goes on the attack.

I use to make night time drinks for myself, hot milk with honey and nutmeg. I thought, what if I added in other foods for sleep, banana, egg. I would nod off before I could brush my teeth. I need some banana. Right now egg custard sounds good. Hmmm, do I have enough sugar?

LOL! i LOVE YOU vstefans!

that's funny, both of you guys are right - chocolate does help, they get in a better mood, but no, it won't solve everything. :-) apple juice, cranberry juice and anything with coconut is worth a try too, sometimes those are good "brain foods" and have actualy been shown to help with mood in Alz...

what?!! dam, if all it took was chocolate, flowers, and toys, it would have been fixed years ago and this site would not be necessary! ROFLMFAO!

Bring her a treat. Even if it's something small she will be happy you thought of her and gave her a gift. My mom has certain foods she loves, like chocolate.

run away run away run away, it's probably better than the care she showed you! how many of us carry scars from what these mothers and fathers did? I do believe that one woman here showed us what happens to a woman when the family has had enough and fights for their freedom; mommie dearest did not end up on the street. bad mothers and fathers simply do not deserve our love and care, how hard is that to see mr and mrs outside world? mr or ms. sibling, congregants, stop judging us. walk a mile in our childhood.

On Friday, in the last call of the first hour of Dr Laura, she said that expecting someone else to change is not reasonable. You have lived through years of abuse, and YOU are the one who has to change. THEY are NOT going to change as they are perfectly happy with the way things are. Take control of the situation and change YOUR behavior, or the situation will NEVER change.

Believe me, I was the same way with my mother. I would dread going to her house. She would yell and scream at me. I finally figured that a shorter stay was the best. So I would stay about an hour. Then I would reward myself, have a cookie, have a bubble bath, do something pleasant, go to the movies, listen to some soothing music etc. Sometime I would be shaking from all the negativity. My sister would side with her and say that it was my problem that I was upsetting mom and that she was not that way with her at all. Until..... until mom had to have caregivers in her home. She ran off about 4 of them and one of them she struck/hit and they wouldn't come back. So it wasn't just me. So I solved it somewhat by giving myself rewards when I got home and with very short intervals of time with her. An hour to 45 min was all I could handle. Now she is in the NH and they have her on meds and she is a tad better. Hope that helps.

So it is strictly an emotional issue? You must face her fury with a calm demeanor and tell her to knock it off because it's too much. Tell her to think of what she can do for another for a change. There are plenty of local causes she could assist. Tell her what a pillar of the community she could be, therefore giving her the attention she demands. She could hire a driver.

My mother lives independently in her own home and is financially stable. No dementia, just copd with some mobility issues. Telling my mother how I feel is useless. She sees herself as the poor victim pity me person. I do not want to burden one of my sisters because she has her own demons she is struggling with and the other does not want to cope with the acknowledgement that there is anything wrong with our mother. Thank goodness my husband is there for me. I want to change the situation. I just don't want to deal with my mother's backlash of accusations of me punishing her for being old or not caring.

Debralee: have you ever said that to your Mother? Have your sisters heard this from you? Do they understand or care about how difficult being your Mother's caregiver is for you? If she is in a facility, why are you not able to achieve "distance?" Can you tell your Mother that she is too demanding and to give you a break? It seems like you need to do something different to move beyond this. Something definitive to assure your survival and make you feel like you are making progress and getting heard by those who can affect change in your situation. You need to go out on a limb, take a risk, or nothing will change.

I am just so emotionally drained with trying to help my needy co-depend mother. Sure she appreciates what I do for her, but the emotional suffocation and the never ending wants and needs she is trying to place on me have left me empty of any feelings or compassion I may have had for her. She sees me as the most easiest available and convenient of her duaghters. I am tired of putting up continuous boundaries in her endless need for me. The anger, guilt and frustrations are at a point that sometimes I wish I would never wake up. How do you get a self absorbed elderly mother to show some compassion and consideration to one daughter when she has it for her other two daughters? My sisters are wonderful people, but so am I. I want my feelings to also be acknowledged.

Now I understand what you meant. I DID take care of my mom with a good heart, but it wasn't done out of love for her, because I stopped loving her a long time ago, but rather out of love and respect for my father. He loved my mom and I loved him. This also applied to my kids. They never liked their grandma, said she was mean to them when grandpa wasn't around. She did the same to me, which was her pattern obviously. The kids and I treated her like royalty. The more we gave, the more she took and demanded and she wasnt nice about it. We didn't walk away, she disowned us. We were in it for the long haul, a weary some, unpleasant long haul, but we wouldn't have ever given up (until lawyers got involved). The ironic thing about all this is she dumped us and then demanded my sister take over. Sis hadn't ever participated in caregiving, said she didn't want to and wasn't going to. Yet she ended up being forced to do it. My mom was the epitome of selfish.
I totally agree a caregiver should be committed to the job, in whatever manner the caregiving is applied, but in our case it just couldn't be done with love.

I am not talking about loving an abuser. I am talking about us, loving us, the caregivers. Trust me; I was abused. I got help. I am saying, not very well, that our values and morals should guide us. We don't have to love the sociopath behaviour, but we must love ourselves. I guess I am saying, do it with love or get the hell away as fast as possible.

kathy1, you obviously were NOT abused by your parent. Flatter an abuser? Compassion for an abuser? No I'm not perfect, my mother made sure to remind me every day of that flaw. I'm glad you love your parent but don't tell me to love mine.

No, we don't love some of them. Compassion is taking care of them in spite of their horrible selfish personalities, past abuse, and lousy parenting. There are many ways to cope with being a caregiver including denial. There is nothing robotic about being a caregiver. Actually, that would be the best caregiver: able to labor with no physical effects or wearing out of body parts, no sense of smell, no programmed memories, no emotions torn in many directions year after year. If you don't need to vent, good for you; every situation is different :) xo

What happened to compassion? Are we perfect? Do we not love these people? Why not flatter, take no offense, remove our egos, and genuinely enjoy our family, warts and all. Soon they will be gone, and we will see the whole they left in our lives.

Eddie, I'm sorry to tell you this but your answer made me laugh so much.

I also have drama queens, (some with BPD) in my family. They thrive on drama, chaos, and self promotion.

Thank you for the light-hearted, and at the same time common sense answer.

Em,

Years ago, when she came to visit by herself because she "missed me," I'd take to the bottle the moment she left. The woman would come not to really see how I was doing, but so nag about the day I put her in a senior citizens home. Plus rag about my Dad (who's been dead for years); and to grind in how much I remind her of him.

Now, days before the visit, I make sure to be mentally ready. If not, there's no way she and my screechy oldest and youngest sisters -- who need drama to function -- are going to come through the door. ... They don't dare mention my Dad's name anymore.

They dropped by unannounced last Wednesday, with the excuse they were visiting the "beautiful Catholic church" across the street from my house. Horsehockey. ... I've been on a sabbatical trying to finish a doctorate, and they knew I was home.

Mom started reminiscing about those unforgettable Easters in Puerto Rico, when she -- wearing a crown made from the thorns of a lime tree -- pretended to be Jesus and carried a makeshift Cross from the hilltop slum to the Catholic church at the other end of town.

You have no idea how many people wanted to nail her to it.

Everyone has scars from childhood; even the most loving perfect parents make mistakes. If you can't be there for your mother; be there for yourself. You sound like an loving empathetic soul. Live your values. You will thrive when the ordeal is over because you did the right thing.

Oh Eddie - does your mum adhere to "the drill"? Mine doesn't. The nonsense comes whether I set limits or not. It is her way or the highway, I spare us both the trouble, and haven't had her here for a number of years, and these days don't even visit her as she only wants to complain, and get into arguments and blaming. Her choice.

Before Mom comes over, I try to get a good night's sleep, have a complete breakfast, go to the gym to de-stress, and make it clear the moment she comes in that I'm not going to put up with nonsense. My house, my rules. She knows the drill.

Debralee, you got lots of advice here, DO WHAT WORKS FOR YOU. Yeah, I stopped lying to the btch after a while myself, but that's just me. You figure out what works for you.

Do you know what I tell some of the people in my life who whine after I'm done with them? Here is a for instance: They whine something like "but if you don't do this for me I won't be able to live anymore", and then I say, "sucks to be you". *VERY BIG GRIN*

I have an idea - Don't call her. It is not your responsibility to see to it that your "mthr" has a happy day.

If she calls you, do what emjo says, and tell her you have other plans. She will tell you that she was expecting to have the day with you, like always, or like she told you. Tell her AGAIN you are sorry, but you have other plans on the other side of the state and you won't be able to be there with her. She will threaten all sorts of things. You don't have to listen, or engage. You can say, "I'm sorry you are not happy with that. I have to go now. Goodbye!" and hang up.

What I did for years was to engage once, set the boundary and not do what she wanted, and not answer the calls for a week to let the mthr cool off.

It's ok not to like your mthr when you have been through what we have, and not to want to spend time with her. In fact, it is healthy not to want to be around someone who denies your experiences. Yes, congratulations, you *are* having the correct emotion for the situation despite what your mthr would say!! :D

Amen, surprise and all those who say telling it like it is, is the best way.. Frankly you don't need to give any reasons other than you have other plans for that day, or you are not able to visit with her, . You do not have to justify or explain yourself. If you want to fine, but you do not have to. I find that just invites arguments, Keep it short and simple works best for me. (((((((Debralee)))))) - you are doing this for you - to stand up to the abuser. Believe me, the sky will not fall in, even though you fear her reaction. If she gets mad prepare to walk away, hang up, or whatever you have to do to remove yourself from abuse. Practice detachment - it does work, but it takes time to desensitize yourself to your mother, meanwhile fake it (detachment, calmness) till you make it! And afterwards walk away, hang up again if she keeps bringing it up. I will say it too - YOU CAN BREAK FREE!
more ((((((((hugs))))))) and prayers

WhooHoo! Good for you, surprise! I have had similar satisfactions going against the grain, swimming upstream, and catching those bastards! May they all rot.
Is that too harsh? Sorry. Not really.

One year after my wedding, when I had a tiny baby, my MIL had a problem when we did not want to come to her family gathering the weekend after Christmas, 3 hours away. There were no other married cousins, and "everybody" wanted to see the baby. My husband caved. We went, we managed to offend everyone by making them wash their hands before holding the baby, and we left. We managed to infect every one of them with the stomach flu, and rode home pitching out the window. Longest drive home ever. I had a lot of resentment.

Fast forward a few years. We find out that one of those nice uncles takes great joy in crushing the children's hands at these gatherings we are "forced" to attend because we don't have the guts to say no. The next one, I watch the kids like a hawk - and I find Uncle sneaking up to get into the bathroom with them, which they resisted and alerted me to! I YELLED at that giant bully, I gave him a good piece of my mind, in front of his wife and all the inlaws, and my husband was then ready to decline further invitations. The family still tried to make us feel guilty, but we were not the ones doing wrong and protecting an abuser.

Those of us who have been abused are kept under the thumbs of abusers when we are too afraid to protect ourselves. If you allow someone else to control who you visit for Easter, you are allowing them to abuse you. They will continue until you stop them, and they don't like to be stopped! YOU have to make the decision and follow through. WE are behind you, and WE support you.

Your mother is going to do every manipulative thing in the book to make you change your mind. If you change your mind, you are allowing her to control you. People can only abuse you now that you are an adult if you allow it. STOP HER! Stand up for yourself and you can do it!!

I'll be praying for you. It's hard. I've done it. I've caved and wished I had not, and did better the next time. YOU CAN BREAK FREE!