How do I prepare myself for a visit with my neurotic, needy mother?

Two more days until Easter Sunday and I have to do something I have not done since I was a teenager, lie to my mother and tell her I am working that day. Last year I spent it with her. This year I want to spend it with my stepdaughter and family. Including her would be 3 hours of travel time for a 2-3 hour visit and no offer of gas money. She left a message on my answering machine to give her a call. I am dreading calling her back I hate lying. It is against everything I believe in. I realize she is lonely, but refuses to even consider going over to my sister's place. My sister would love to have her over for Easter. She wouldn't mind going with my son and his wife over to her family's place, but she has caused some conflict with my daughter-in-law and she has distant herself from my mother somewhat. I don't want to tell her the truth because it will only make her feel rejected and I hate to hurt someone's feelings. My mother is the type that wants to associate with only certain members of the family. I am dreading Mother's day, last year was a disaster celebrating it with her.

Debralee, sometimes lying can't be helped. Don't feel bad about it. You are entitled to spend Easter where and how you want. Your mom has options, it's not like she's sitting home alone.
My daughter and I used to take mini vacations because we worked in the same office and couldn't be gone too long. Mom was so jealous of these trips that she would come up "sick" or something would "happen" to make us cancel our trips. I finally had enough and quit telling her we were leaving. My son was her DPOA so he'd be on call for emergencies. If mom called to chat, I just took the call and acted like I was in town although I was on Pike's Peak or Mt Rushmore or downtown Boston. She never knew the difference, we had a great trip and all was well. Feeling guilty never occurred to me. Resenting her jealous and control...now that's a different story.
Have a wonderful Easter!

Hi Debralee,
Ugh- I hate lying too! Only you know if it is worth it but be careful- if you are like me and are no good at it you may bust yourself later! Lies have a way of returning. Just make sure you remember that you said you were working on Easter so when your Mom says something about it months from now (which, again, if you are like me , that will happen) you can remember what you said. OR you could just tell her the truth. It may make things unpleasant for you but it may also help her realize she needs to change. Just a suggestion- I don't mean to imply that I know better than you about what to do.
My husband and I had to tell my in-laws that we are not coming up to there house for Easter as my daughter is having a very difficult time as of late. (in case you missed it- she has special needs- I feel like when I mention this in a post some readers are going '"we know , we know!- because I mention it a lot-sorry). This is not an easy decision as I have been very involved in my Mom's care and have not seen my in laws for awhile BUT- my in- laws are younger than my parents and in good health. It is just the squeaky wheel right now. AND- quite frankly, their house is very hard for my girl. My MIL is very picky about her things and freaks if anyone touches something and that is hard on my daughter. My Mom's house is pretty relaxed- well- my dad can yell but I just tell him to stop and he apologizes. If I would tell my MIL to stop she would probably kick me in the arse. And then not speak to me for months and then say she cried her eyes out when I 'yelled'
at her. *sigh. Maybe I should lie.

The best approach is honesty. What is she going to do if you tell her you have made plans with your step-daughter? I think she should have been told 2 weeks ago that you had plans.
Each of us is entitled to have our own plans for holidays.
Pro-active Communication can be practiced. All of us here would be happy to role play with you so you can get comfortable learning to be assertive.
Just face your fears and you might bluff her. So far, she thinks you don't have the courage to stand up to her. Right?

I think this is the ideal time to level with her. Tell her, Mother, you are not being nice to me right now but this doesn't really surprise me. You have never really been a good mother to me, but I was not in the position to express that thought while I was growing up. Fate brought together two individuals in this life who were not compatible, lets hope we both have better luck in our next lives.
Now, can I get you some water or a pillow before I leave?

I think honesty is the best policy as well. Just tell her that you are having Easter with your step daughter. Then suggest places she could go so that she won't be alone. Encourage her to make friends with other people who are alone. Churches, senior centers, knitting groups, library book clubs, etc. Encourage her to go with your sister.

One year after my wedding, when I had a tiny baby, my MIL had a problem when we did not want to come to her family gathering the weekend after Christmas, 3 hours away. There were no other married cousins, and "everybody" wanted to see the baby. My husband caved. We went, we managed to offend everyone by making them wash their hands before holding the baby, and we left. We managed to infect every one of them with the stomach flu, and rode home pitching out the window. Longest drive home ever. I had a lot of resentment.

Fast forward a few years. We find out that one of those nice uncles takes great joy in crushing the children's hands at these gatherings we are "forced" to attend because we don't have the guts to say no. The next one, I watch the kids like a hawk - and I find Uncle sneaking up to get into the bathroom with them, which they resisted and alerted me to! I YELLED at that giant bully, I gave him a good piece of my mind, in front of his wife and all the inlaws, and my husband was then ready to decline further invitations. The family still tried to make us feel guilty, but we were not the ones doing wrong and protecting an abuser.

Those of us who have been abused are kept under the thumbs of abusers when we are too afraid to protect ourselves. If you allow someone else to control who you visit for Easter, you are allowing them to abuse you. They will continue until you stop them, and they don't like to be stopped! YOU have to make the decision and follow through. WE are behind you, and WE support you.

Your mother is going to do every manipulative thing in the book to make you change your mind. If you change your mind, you are allowing her to control you. People can only abuse you now that you are an adult if you allow it. STOP HER! Stand up for yourself and you can do it!!

I'll be praying for you. It's hard. I've done it. I've caved and wished I had not, and did better the next time. YOU CAN BREAK FREE!

WhooHoo! Good for you, surprise! I have had similar satisfactions going against the grain, swimming upstream, and catching those bastards! May they all rot.
Is that too harsh? Sorry. Not really.

Amen, surprise and all those who say telling it like it is, is the best way.. Frankly you don't need to give any reasons other than you have other plans for that day, or you are not able to visit with her, . You do not have to justify or explain yourself. If you want to fine, but you do not have to. I find that just invites arguments, Keep it short and simple works best for me. (((((((Debralee)))))) - you are doing this for you - to stand up to the abuser. Believe me, the sky will not fall in, even though you fear her reaction. If she gets mad prepare to walk away, hang up, or whatever you have to do to remove yourself from abuse. Practice detachment - it does work, but it takes time to desensitize yourself to your mother, meanwhile fake it (detachment, calmness) till you make it! And afterwards walk away, hang up again if she keeps bringing it up. I will say it too - YOU CAN BREAK FREE!
more ((((((((hugs))))))) and prayers

I have an idea - Don't call her. It is not your responsibility to see to it that your "mthr" has a happy day.

If she calls you, do what emjo says, and tell her you have other plans. She will tell you that she was expecting to have the day with you, like always, or like she told you. Tell her AGAIN you are sorry, but you have other plans on the other side of the state and you won't be able to be there with her. She will threaten all sorts of things. You don't have to listen, or engage. You can say, "I'm sorry you are not happy with that. I have to go now. Goodbye!" and hang up.

What I did for years was to engage once, set the boundary and not do what she wanted, and not answer the calls for a week to let the mthr cool off.

It's ok not to like your mthr when you have been through what we have, and not to want to spend time with her. In fact, it is healthy not to want to be around someone who denies your experiences. Yes, congratulations, you *are* having the correct emotion for the situation despite what your mthr would say!! :D

Debralee, you got lots of advice here, DO WHAT WORKS FOR YOU. Yeah, I stopped lying to the btch after a while myself, but that's just me. You figure out what works for you.

Do you know what I tell some of the people in my life who whine after I'm done with them? Here is a for instance: They whine something like "but if you don't do this for me I won't be able to live anymore", and then I say, "sucks to be you". *VERY BIG GRIN*

Before Mom comes over, I try to get a good night's sleep, have a complete breakfast, go to the gym to de-stress, and make it clear the moment she comes in that I'm not going to put up with nonsense. My house, my rules. She knows the drill.

Oh Eddie - does your mum adhere to "the drill"? Mine doesn't. The nonsense comes whether I set limits or not. It is her way or the highway, I spare us both the trouble, and haven't had her here for a number of years, and these days don't even visit her as she only wants to complain, and get into arguments and blaming. Her choice.

Everyone has scars from childhood; even the most loving perfect parents make mistakes. If you can't be there for your mother; be there for yourself. You sound like an loving empathetic soul. Live your values. You will thrive when the ordeal is over because you did the right thing.

Em,

Years ago, when she came to visit by herself because she "missed me," I'd take to the bottle the moment she left. The woman would come not to really see how I was doing, but so nag about the day I put her in a senior citizens home. Plus rag about my Dad (who's been dead for years); and to grind in how much I remind her of him.

Now, days before the visit, I make sure to be mentally ready. If not, there's no way she and my screechy oldest and youngest sisters -- who need drama to function -- are going to come through the door. ... They don't dare mention my Dad's name anymore.

They dropped by unannounced last Wednesday, with the excuse they were visiting the "beautiful Catholic church" across the street from my house. Horsehockey. ... I've been on a sabbatical trying to finish a doctorate, and they knew I was home.

Mom started reminiscing about those unforgettable Easters in Puerto Rico, when she -- wearing a crown made from the thorns of a lime tree -- pretended to be Jesus and carried a makeshift Cross from the hilltop slum to the Catholic church at the other end of town.

You have no idea how many people wanted to nail her to it.

Eddie, I'm sorry to tell you this but your answer made me laugh so much.

I also have drama queens, (some with BPD) in my family. They thrive on drama, chaos, and self promotion.

Thank you for the light-hearted, and at the same time common sense answer.

What happened to compassion? Are we perfect? Do we not love these people? Why not flatter, take no offense, remove our egos, and genuinely enjoy our family, warts and all. Soon they will be gone, and we will see the whole they left in our lives.

No, we don't love some of them. Compassion is taking care of them in spite of their horrible selfish personalities, past abuse, and lousy parenting. There are many ways to cope with being a caregiver including denial. There is nothing robotic about being a caregiver. Actually, that would be the best caregiver: able to labor with no physical effects or wearing out of body parts, no sense of smell, no programmed memories, no emotions torn in many directions year after year. If you don't need to vent, good for you; every situation is different :) xo

kathy1, you obviously were NOT abused by your parent. Flatter an abuser? Compassion for an abuser? No I'm not perfect, my mother made sure to remind me every day of that flaw. I'm glad you love your parent but don't tell me to love mine.

I am not talking about loving an abuser. I am talking about us, loving us, the caregivers. Trust me; I was abused. I got help. I am saying, not very well, that our values and morals should guide us. We don't have to love the sociopath behaviour, but we must love ourselves. I guess I am saying, do it with love or get the hell away as fast as possible.

Now I understand what you meant. I DID take care of my mom with a good heart, but it wasn't done out of love for her, because I stopped loving her a long time ago, but rather out of love and respect for my father. He loved my mom and I loved him. This also applied to my kids. They never liked their grandma, said she was mean to them when grandpa wasn't around. She did the same to me, which was her pattern obviously. The kids and I treated her like royalty. The more we gave, the more she took and demanded and she wasnt nice about it. We didn't walk away, she disowned us. We were in it for the long haul, a weary some, unpleasant long haul, but we wouldn't have ever given up (until lawyers got involved). The ironic thing about all this is she dumped us and then demanded my sister take over. Sis hadn't ever participated in caregiving, said she didn't want to and wasn't going to. Yet she ended up being forced to do it. My mom was the epitome of selfish.
I totally agree a caregiver should be committed to the job, in whatever manner the caregiving is applied, but in our case it just couldn't be done with love.

I am just so emotionally drained with trying to help my needy co-depend mother. Sure she appreciates what I do for her, but the emotional suffocation and the never ending wants and needs she is trying to place on me have left me empty of any feelings or compassion I may have had for her. She sees me as the most easiest available and convenient of her duaghters. I am tired of putting up continuous boundaries in her endless need for me. The anger, guilt and frustrations are at a point that sometimes I wish I would never wake up. How do you get a self absorbed elderly mother to show some compassion and consideration to one daughter when she has it for her other two daughters? My sisters are wonderful people, but so am I. I want my feelings to also be acknowledged.

Debralee: have you ever said that to your Mother? Have your sisters heard this from you? Do they understand or care about how difficult being your Mother's caregiver is for you? If she is in a facility, why are you not able to achieve "distance?" Can you tell your Mother that she is too demanding and to give you a break? It seems like you need to do something different to move beyond this. Something definitive to assure your survival and make you feel like you are making progress and getting heard by those who can affect change in your situation. You need to go out on a limb, take a risk, or nothing will change.

My mother lives independently in her own home and is financially stable. No dementia, just copd with some mobility issues. Telling my mother how I feel is useless. She sees herself as the poor victim pity me person. I do not want to burden one of my sisters because she has her own demons she is struggling with and the other does not want to cope with the acknowledgement that there is anything wrong with our mother. Thank goodness my husband is there for me. I want to change the situation. I just don't want to deal with my mother's backlash of accusations of me punishing her for being old or not caring.

So it is strictly an emotional issue? You must face her fury with a calm demeanor and tell her to knock it off because it's too much. Tell her to think of what she can do for another for a change. There are plenty of local causes she could assist. Tell her what a pillar of the community she could be, therefore giving her the attention she demands. She could hire a driver.

Believe me, I was the same way with my mother. I would dread going to her house. She would yell and scream at me. I finally figured that a shorter stay was the best. So I would stay about an hour. Then I would reward myself, have a cookie, have a bubble bath, do something pleasant, go to the movies, listen to some soothing music etc. Sometime I would be shaking from all the negativity. My sister would side with her and say that it was my problem that I was upsetting mom and that she was not that way with her at all. Until..... until mom had to have caregivers in her home. She ran off about 4 of them and one of them she struck/hit and they wouldn't come back. So it wasn't just me. So I solved it somewhat by giving myself rewards when I got home and with very short intervals of time with her. An hour to 45 min was all I could handle. Now she is in the NH and they have her on meds and she is a tad better. Hope that helps.

On Friday, in the last call of the first hour of Dr Laura, she said that expecting someone else to change is not reasonable. You have lived through years of abuse, and YOU are the one who has to change. THEY are NOT going to change as they are perfectly happy with the way things are. Take control of the situation and change YOUR behavior, or the situation will NEVER change.

run away run away run away, it's probably better than the care she showed you! how many of us carry scars from what these mothers and fathers did? I do believe that one woman here showed us what happens to a woman when the family has had enough and fights for their freedom; mommie dearest did not end up on the street. bad mothers and fathers simply do not deserve our love and care, how hard is that to see mr and mrs outside world? mr or ms. sibling, congregants, stop judging us. walk a mile in our childhood.

Bring her a treat. Even if it's something small she will be happy you thought of her and gave her a gift. My mom has certain foods she loves, like chocolate.

what?!! dam, if all it took was chocolate, flowers, and toys, it would have been fixed years ago and this site would not be necessary! ROFLMFAO!