Follow
Share

My husband and I live 800 miles away from my parents. We have decided to sell our home and go live at my parent's home. We realize it will be a major change and I want to get as informed as possible to what to expect.
My mother recently went through lung cancer operation and chemo, which she quit half way due to her feeling too sick to continue. The flying back and forth was becoming very expensive and my father just can't seem to handle all the pressure involved. My dad is 77 and mom is 75. What I have noticed is that they are both becoming forgetful. Also my mom seems to be in a somewhat depressed/angry/violent at times mood. She is making a habit of leaving the house and disappearing for many hours when she gets upset and consequently we worry like crazy. I always said I would take care of them and I am happy that my husband is supportive and willing to make this move. We are childless and my only other brother (he was a quadriplegic for 18 years, due to an accident) died 2 years ago. Helping to take care of him, I realize how much work there was to be done and how demanding people can become. What I see/hear mostly is the difficutly involved with living and taking care of aging parents, is there some stories where things work out relatively well? Or should I re-think about moving into the house with them? My mom doesn't drive and doesn't speak english very well either and always depends on my dad to do everything except cook/clean house unless she's too sick.

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
I moved my mom to my town just over 2 years ago. I pretty much forced her hand in this - I said I would not give up my life or my friends here to go care for her somewhere else, where there was nothing for me. She bought her own little apartment here, and that was ok, until it wasn't. I started staying with her in June because I thought it would be easier, being able to do tasks and chores at my own pace, instead of arriving and doing everything in a flurry and leaving again. In a way it is. BUT....

What I really hate, more than anything else, is the lack of privacy, space, and solitude. I have the small bedroom and that is literally the only private space I have - and it's not really that private because it's an apartment. The other night I was in tears over feeling trapped in my tiny room just because I needed some alone time, without being talked to, or stared at, or followed around. Maybe it's different for those who aren't introverts, but I am starting to feel claustrophobic being here, and now winter is upon us, and I've sublet my place so I have literally nowhere to be alone anymore, except driving around in my car, which has become a mess because I feel like I'm half living out of it.

I really miss being able to go back to my own home and decompress, charge my batteries. Like, I REALLY miss it. Sometimes I hate my mother SOOOO much, all because I can't get any space.

It's just something to think about. If you are going to move in with them, make sure you have your own private space, hopefully with your own private bathroom (I can't even go across the hall to take a leak without being stared at or drawn into some inane conversation), and set your boundaries right away.

Ideally I would have moved each of us into opposite sides of a duplex instead.  But at least I didn't move away from the town and people I love for this. 
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

To be honest, it has been a living hell the past 13 months that my dad has been in my home. I have been on disabiliy for 2 1/2 yrs.
It was devestating for me to have to quit a job I had done for 30
Years. MY dad was fine until June if 2016. I asked him to come see me and stay the weekend several times and he always declined. He came for Christmas and maybe 1 other weekend a year. He worked until he was 82 driving cars for an auto dealer and had a
girlfriend he took out to eat. He always went to church every Sunday. He always had time for everyone but me. He fell and had
a blood clot on his brain. He came to my house when he could no
longer keep up with his finances or take his medicine. He had brain surgery and since the he has demenia. Everyday of my life he says the same thing EXACTLY!!! You can not get him to stop. I am sick and my blood pressure
Is 80/50 when I get up. I have Rheumatoid Arthritis and some days
I can hardly move. Stress makes both of these conditions worsen.
He demenia is so bad he doesn't realize what he's doing. He does not qualify for Medicade because he can walk, eat, use the bathroom on his on. He can not be alone. Does anyone have any answers for me? TN must be the worst state ever for elderly care!
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

I will always be grateful for my husband and his willingness to move 2,000 miles to move in with my mom. She can't drive, can't hear, can't see and has difficulty walking but is still social and able to take care of herself. My husband also brings her flowers and when I get frustrated he reminds me that small gestures go a long way. Luckily we have made wonderful friends here and my mom has lived here for so long that most people know the situation. My husband and I have regular "date nights" and we have each taken "vacations " to visit friends and family while the other one takes care of her. It is a constantly shifting situation. The key is to be flexible and make sure you nurture yourself.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

its been four years since moving in with my Mother, she is disabled in wheelchair, she has rheumatoid arthritis, she cannot do anything for herself apart from eat the food put in front of her. she refuses any nursing home and expects everything to be done for her. This decision I have regretted from the day I moved in. My partner and I have put huge amounts of money into rectifying my mums home. Yet now we cannot even move out as we have no funds. Can anyone advise how to move out of this rut.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

Hi, My husband and I retired early , sold our house, said good-bye to our married kids and went to Florida to care for my elderly parents. We bought a little house very close by although they wanted us to move in with them. We were at their house caring for them everyday but having the little house gave us a break to be together. My father died so we did end up moving in to take care of my mother. That was 8 years ago. We do have a cleaning lady come in every other week to clean. That give us a three hour break together. We try to find little blocks of time to be together. One stays while the other takes a break every other day. That keeps the marriage together and strong. My husband is very good about helping me care for the elderly parents. He brings flowers and treats home for them and takes them out to eat once a week. Letting them still feel in charge gives them a feeling of dignity and goes a long way to keep peace. I ask my mother what she wants to eat, wear, who she would like to talk to on the phone, where she would like to go, etc. It is hard to be a care taker at times, but it is even harder being old, sick, and feeling helpless, and afraid of dying. If you are interested in a few of my tricks for caring, I would be happy to share.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

Good Luck. I moved in three years ago to care for my father with dementia. It is very important to take care of yourself and tend to your relationship. Check with the oncology center to see what help they may be able to connect you to, the Department of Aging, and we have recently hired a geriatric care manager. I also have a copy of Passages for Caregivers which was extremely helpful in dealing with the feelings and situations that have arisen. I am not married and I do work full time. I can say enough, take care of yourself.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

My mom has pulmonary fibrosis and my dad had what we consider an emotional breakdown because he was trying to take care of her on his own. My husband and I purchased a home and moved them in back in November. All I can say is you don't know how long you will have them and I won't have any regrets. My husband is also supportive and it is difficult at times. But they took care of us for 18 years.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

YOU ARE VERY COURAGEOUS. HOPE EVERYTHING WORK OUT FOR YOU AND YOUR HUSBAND. MY FATHER HAS BEEN LIVING WITH ME FOR 3 THREE YEARS, DOING THAT TIME I HAVE VERY LITTLE CONTACT FROM MY OTHER SIBILING, MY FRIENDS HAVE QUIT COMING AROUND AND I HAVE FILED FOR DIVORCE. I AM DEPRESSED AND LONELY BUT, I LOOKED TO HEAVENS AND KNOW THAT THESE TIMES WILL NOT ALWAYS BE, I AM GRATEFUL FOR THE TIME I HAVE TO SPEND WITH HIM. I ATTEND A CHURCH CLOSE TO MY HOME AND THAT IS MY SUPPORT GROUP! BE BLESSED.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

Thank you for your insightful answer. I discussed this with my husband and we will try to live with them first, if it becomes too unbearable, we will find our own place nearby. Its going to be difficult to make privacy rules with my parents, well, at least with my mom, but we will give it a shot.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

You sound like a very thoughtful and motivated person. I think that all caregivers have the same immediate reaction to wanting to help our parents. However, I would give serious consideration before making such a drastic change in your life. You are giving up your home and moving away from your freinds and all that is familiar to you. When you move into your parent's home, you wiil their primary source for everything and they will become very dependent on you. You are also giving up your privacy and will have to adjust your wishes according to the needs of your parents. Please read the many posts on this site about giving up your life when you become a full-time caregiver. If you are really prepared to do this, then I think it might work out just fine.
Have you considered moving into your own place that would be near them? I just moved my Mom to live near us about 4 years ago. We live a minute away from each other but have our own places. I have also hired a paid caregiver who comes in twice a week. It really gives us a moment of respite.
I cannot tell you how emotionally draining this job is....I am sure at one point I will find it rewarding as well. But for now I am just tired and have no life of my own.
I don't want to discourage you from doing this noble thing...just wanted to share my reality.
good luck to you....let us know how things turn out...and come here often. There are so many people here that are willing to share their knowledge.
Lilli
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter