Do you prepare healthy meals and the person you are caring for eats something else?

Yes, my dad is the carb king. I will cook a nutritious meal and he says I'll have cereal for dinner! Drives me nuts. Most times I refuse and put the plate in front of him, telling him I went to all this trouble to make what he likes and the least he can do is eat it. I am big on guilt. I will then make sure his treat before bed is something he likes, like ice cream instead of a baked apple. Occasionally I do give in but most times i do not. Try involving your mom in preparing the meal. I have my dad make the salad and this helps. We did a quick Walmart run last night and he saw low carb ice cream so you know that went right into the basket!

Add veggies to the food she likes - green beans and peas into the pasta; blueberries into the waffles, pancakes and biscuits. There's a reason why she likes those foods, so try to exploit it by making it more healthy until you can gradually begin decreasing the amounts of those kinds of foods.

It's always a challenge to get my mother to eat something healthy. She is a country girl from south Alabama and was raised on fried chicken. She likes fried foods. If someone could figure out a way to fry orange juice, she would do it. She tells me that her mama always fried the chicken, the pork chops, the fish. I remind her that most of her family had also died young of heart attack and stroke. This doesn't register with her, since she is 88 and has outlived the rest of her family.

When I put together a healthy meal, she says it's not fit to eat. But since I don't want to make two meals, I cook reasonably healthy with some compromising -- sometimes frying or sauteing. The thing that bothers me most is she will load up on the meat and take a little spoonful of the different vegetables.

After cooking for a father that didn't want to eat and would hide his food and a mother who thinks good food isn't fit to eat, I just cook what I know is good and healthy enough. I've learned that we can encourage or nag and it doesn't do any good. I've also learned that as people get older they also get a more narrow selection of foods they want to eat. So I cook what I know I should, then don't worry if it isn't "fit to eat." That just means it isn't fried, dripping with butter, or loaded with salt. :)

Jessie, I do a lot of oven frying. Drizzling a little butter over breaded chicken makes it crunchy when doing it in the oven . Trying using stove top crunched up as your breading, dipped in egg, no flour. Really keeps it crunchy without frying. No is the salt in the stuffing worse then the oil? I really don't enjoy cooking so I look for easy recipes. Sometimes I feel like it is a losing battle. I cook for 6 so I am not cooking more then one meal.

As people age, and their taste buds begin to die, they usually prefer food that is sweet or spicy or salty. By making food that is bland for your Mother, you may actually be making food she can't taste. Try letting her eat the spicy food you prefer. Serve a slice of bread or roll with each meal and toast or biscuits with breakfast. That may satisfy her taste for a carb. while she's eating a healthy meal. At some point, though, you have to realize that they are an adult and if they are still capable of buying and preparing their own food, you may just have to give up trying to gain control. Pick your battles and don't let it become an issue.

Is the issue really food? Or maybe about control? Sounds like your mother is playing games, trying to keep you off-balance. You're doing everything right where food is concerned. But for your own mental health you might want to practice detaching emotionally. Blessings for success with this.

I know exactly what you're talking about. I went to get lengths lastbevening to make fried chicken, carrot coins & a side salad.....and the only rhing Mom would eat was 1/2 cup of the carrot coins. She claimed she wasn't hungry....but then she wanted cake & ice cream for dessert. Told her if she was too full to eat the proper meal, then she was too full for dessert. She refuses to eat "real" food for breakfast, instead eating donuts, danishes, cinnamon rolls, etc. I tried making her a Jimmy Dean sauage, egg & cheese bisquit (and you know how small they are). She ate 1/3 of it & refuse anymore, saying she was full. So her total dietary intake yesterday was a small strip of cheese danish for breakfast, a ham sandwich for lunch, another small strip of cheese danish in the afternoon & carrot coins for supper. It frustrates me to no end, especially since I purchase all of our food from my own money & it pains me to throw food out. All I see are dollar bills being flung into the trash!

Or you could ask your mum what she wants to eat? Mum's choice of food varies from moment to moment not even day to day so I could be on a merry go round if I am not careful. I don't ask about breakfast - that's a given - she has cereal and always has had so no problem there - she has a portion of cereal with milk, small bowl of fresh fruit or orange and I do ask her which she fancies at that point because we have both in.

Then we get to lunch well Mum has always liked sandwiches so Im going to pretty much be certain bread is going to be in there somewhere BUT I ring the changes, eggs on toast
cheese on toast
toasted sandwiches (you can hide a lot in a toasted sandwich!)
I do a mean pizza toast with fresh tomatoes, fresh herbs, ham mushrooms, pineapple and cheese
if I get really lucky soup - Now I make the soup and freeze it in portions and I KNOW whats in it - she hasn't a clue but I know it will have protein and veg - ok its blended within an inch of its life but it is in there and thats all that matters.

I let her have cake - but only cake that I have made so it will either be
carrot cake with a cheese topping
walnut cake - which she loves because she says I make the best ones (heaven forbid she ever finds out how many walnuts I put in a cake!!!)

For tea when she starts on about bread again I offer
- wraps
- savoury pancakes - again you can hide a lot in them...

sometimes she will eat them sometimes she says what else is there and I have in my freezer at least 10 options that she can have

- Vegetable pie - now I don't call it vegetable pie because if I did she wouldn't touch it so it is country pie - I use any veg I can lay my hands on that I know she will eat so forget zucchini she loathes it. I use some of the veg blitzed in a blender for the sauce and I add pepper rather than salt for flavour and herbs - I have to say herbs are my lifeline although I USED TO USE no salt salt I have no idea what you call it in the states but the docs have said ABSOLUTELY NOT because it affects mums heart rhythms (or appears to) so now I sort of think well hang it it has to have some flavour so I use beef or chicken stock cubes which, before you tell me, are laden with salt - but dang there has to be something in there - I top the pie with pastry and bake in the oven. I have to say it is equally good done in a light cheese sauce too
- minced beef and mash (and please don't tell her that the sauce is made from celeriac and onions or that I add carrots beans and peas to the mix!!!)
- meatballs - again in a freshly made sauce
- bolognese
- chicken kiev but I hate making them so I do buy those and she has them occasionally.
several fish options which she likes
- I make my own fishcakes then when I come to cook them I roll them in egg coat with a mix of breadcrumbs and oats for a good crunch - then I bake them in the oven
- Fish in a butter sauce or a parsley sauce
- Salmon croquettes than I make using fresh salmon dill some mixed fresh herbs potato and the tiniest bit of fresh ginger and chilli flour roll to sausage shapes then roll in egg then oats/breadcrumbs and bake
- Fish pie with prawns smoked fish and any other white fish you can get done in a sauce with broccoli carrots peas string beans/haricot beans topped with mash and then cheese with chips (crisps for the brits) on top then baked
- she has home made potato croquettes rather than chips or potato wedges.
- Meat is the biggest problem for me so I substitute using beans/cheese/eggs/fish or I use mince because she can eat that easily.

One thing I have learned though is don't even think she will eat a full meal any more.

The portion sizes I use are for about a 3 year old and I make lots of them so she can have a savoury snack in the evening or the afternoon.

And yes of course the prefer desserts - its the luxury of their youth and its comfort food. Mum likes rice pudding - easy peasy and healthy ok its carb heavy but less so if you use Splenda at the end to sweeten it and lower in fat if you use skimmed milk. And I serve it with pears - Pear Belle Helene if you want to look it up

She likes custard with banana so I make an egg custard.

She has a very sweet tooth so I often give her a small meringue with loads of fruit and topped with a yoghurt.

If she has fruit I add a yogurt rather than ice cream

She loves baked bananas so we have those quite often topped with honey and greek yogurt

Trust me there are ways round it - like camper said pick your battles and don't let one of them be food - you will lose every time

My mother is 84 and I decided to just step back and let her eat whatever she wants, as long as I'm not expected to cook it for her. My mother eats a lot of sweets, carbs and fatty meat such as sausage. She turns her nose up at turkey sausage, which is what I normally use. She fusses if chicken is on the menu too often. She would eat ham, steak, kielbasa, Italian sausage, pork chops. So fine. She cooks her own with minimal help from me. She also eats a lot of fried food, usually frozen stuff that you just drop into the fat for cooking. She consumes more butter in a week than I thought possible for a human being. But, I figure, as far as her arteries are concerned, the damage is done at 84. She's on meds for her diabetes, cholesterol, and blood pressure, and she prefers taking meds to eating healthy. It's just not worth my effort to make an issue of it at this point. I stopped cooking for her except for special occasions and she can eat whatever she wants.

Im not in that position Carla I am mums sole care-giver and I am therefore obliged to ENSURE she eats as healthily as I can get her to eat so if I lie about whats in the food I can live with that. I have to say that since I took over the entire cooking Mums general health has improved (yes all right you lot I know she is in hospital with UTI ad urosepsis but I can only encourage her to drink I can't make her and I also can't make her take the tablets - well I could but its abuse and I still struggle with it).
She has had some of her tablets stopped as a result of general good care and I am actually quite proud of that - shame I look like a beached whale really!

This one is easy--you suck it up. Just make two meals, and make it as easy on yourself as possible. Do not lose a moment being frustrated. Just make the meals and keep on trucking.

Mom is 93 and has always enjoyed her salt and sugar. The cooking bothered me for a long time. I was cooking what I thought she'd like and I was gaining weight! And wasting food (or eating it to keep from throwing it away). Now I cook for me and also try to add something I know she will eat that may not be the healthiest for her....like frozen fish fillets (lots of salt) or fry a chicken tenderloin. I also give her the salt shaker on her tray with low-salt and she salts everything! She has made it to 93 so I figure I'm not going to kill her. Her blood pressure meds were cut in half and that's all she's on other than her alz. meds.

personally? I'd just keep doing what you're doing. Healthy is there if she wants it. As we get old,older,oldest our choices get fewer and fewer. There will come a time that mom won't be able to fix her own food. Time enough to lose the joy of eating what we'd like.

My dad is 90 minutes away. So I go down on weekends. I was preparing really good food for him to have during the week. I'd cook roast with potatoes and carrots. (He's a meat and potatoes guy). Meatloaf, grilled chicken strips. He would eat what was easy. He starts drinking his beer around 11am and so he snacks all day. For 3 weeks in a row he didn't eat any of the roast or meatloaf. He'd eat hot dogs, cheese sticks, frozen burritos, etc. So after talking to a girlfriend whose caring for her 90 yr old MIL and my husband, I just started making sandwiches. Breakfast sandwiches and lunch sandwiches. Put them in individual baggies and left them in the fridge. That's what he ate. He liked them. Plus he'd go and get his own food from time to time as he still drives. When I am there and I make dinner; roast, potatoes, salad, broccoli w/cheese sauce he eats really well. I think it's just having to DO IT (heat up food) that he doesn't want to trouble with. He's 86. Usually he really can't taste anything and sometimes he says it wasn't very good but oh well, I tried. But I wonder...when they are older, 80's and up and they don't want to eat "healthy" why bother? It seems to me that they eat what tastes good to them. I read that the elderly's taste buds can go south and different people are different. Some can't taste the sugar, others can't taste salt, or sour so they eat what they can taste. I know having a diabetic son that the sweets and carbs would not be good for a diabetic and eating those things would mess with his blood sugar and therefore make him feel lousy. So that would be a different story. When you feel lousy it affects your temperament. Also, if they do have diabetes and have had it for awhile (type 2) they most likely got it because their diet was full of carbs then. So changing that now is difficult.
Just my thoughts.

My thinking is along the lines of Janny's. My mother's eating habits were established long before I was taking care of her, and her health problems were established too. I also think why bother with healthy food at this point? Is she really going to get better? No. Is she going to live a little longer? Probably not. I'm actually more concerned with her leaving cooked food out on the counter because she's too lazy to put it away, and defrosting meats on the counter because it's faster than thawing it in the fridge. Acute food-borne illness would be a catastrophe for her (and me). I do try to control that. But the food choices - no. She's already outlived her natural lifespan. Let her enjoy herself, and save me the trouble of fighting with her.

Work with what she likes you can't force her to eat your food when a baby dosent like a good they don't eat or spit it out read her health books education her on food and health make it yummi and surprise she may like it nursing homes are no better then schools for good food and her body my not like whole grains and get sick so your health diet my not be fine for her like you as far as wasting food gose you eat it tomorrow save your self some work

Tomorrow I'll be 84. I know all about "Healthy food" and the push for more fruit and vegetables. So what! I am not hungry much of the time - my activity level is lower than yours and my need for food is lower. Eat better for a longer life? Really? Are a few days more worth stuffing myself with vegetables when I don't feel like eating anyway? So dear daughters relax. Don't feel guilty. What was essential for your children to grow up healthy is not essential to fuel my quiet life style. Don't fret so. As long as I am capable of making my own choices, let me choose what I want to eat. After all half of my contemporaries are already dead so my choices haven't been so bad for me after all.

I think their sense of taste goes early on and the only taste buds left are sweets, and carbs. It is all any of them want to eat and you can't force a person to eat good stuff! I figure, they don't have much time left. They might as well enjoy it. But we have to keep the real junk food hidden and provide more fruits and Greek yogurt which tastes pretty good. Try to keep less junk food around. If she can still get out and buy, you are not going to win the battle!

After months of cooking requested food, if they don't eat the food I cook, I give it to the dogs and put a Boost Very High Calorie drink in front of them and call it good. At this point, it is their choice to eat. I have alerted the Dr, and until the weight loss gets serious, meds will not be given. Why would I choose this battle to fight? There are so many more!

Jude--I wish you were cooking for me. Sheesh. I don't take that kind of care of my hubby!! You are amazing!! Also, out of sheer curiosity--is "tea" considered a small meal? Or a snack? We don't do that here in the states and it has always been a question in my mind. I know this makes me look ignorant, but I have never understood the concept of throwing together 4 meals a day...!

Bluecube, I like your perspective. Well said.

Frustrated, so frustrated I was forgetting what I liked to eat. I cook less now.
I read a book titled: "Journal of Best Practices." The author was someone with Asperger's. He wrote that he appreciated it when his wife put his plate on the table with a cover, without nagging him to come to the table and eat.
Lonely and frustrated. I am someone who believes the family that eats together, stays together.

Eats something else? Yes!!! The fresh fruit is spoiling while he goes in search for old, old, almost spoiled food. Old enough that I would throw it away and not eat it.
So much for any benefit derived from his philosophy, 'first in, first out' in food service. Old bread, not even good for people needing a special diet.

Salisbury, you are right, and I am no longer going to lose a moment being frustrated. I will just 'suck it up' and go on about my day.
Bluecube, I agree with your food philosophy for the elderly, 'don't fret so'. Wise advice, very wise.

Do they know what caused your mom's intestinal blockage? Is there some kind of liquid or pill she can take to keep her bowels active? Can you discuss it with her doctor and get some recommendation on how to keep her regular. Will she eat some prunes each day?

You say your mom suffers from dementia. I"m not sure what stage she is in, but I know that dementia patients are prone to have eating issues. For a while my cousin would not eat very much at all. In the next stage she would only eat sweets and junk. Now she heartily eats anything put before her, because she doesn't know the difference and likes all food. (She's in Memory Care.) So, your mom's food preferences may change on their own.

My focus in on keeping my cousin, who has advanced dementia, as happy as possible. She cannot recover from this disease. To me, the most important thing is for her to enjoy anything that she can enjoy within reason.

I think you may be frustrating yourself needlessly if you believe you can convince her to eat according to your desires. When reasoning and brain function are affected, your pleas, recommendations, and suggestions are not likely to help.

I would find a way to keep her unclogged with some supplement and allow her to eat her favorites. Maybe, I'm in the minority on this, but unless it's detrimental to her immediate health, I 'm not sure why eating a healthy diet is that important under the circumstances. It sounds like your work very hard to provide her with nice meals, but I don't think her refusal to eat them in any way reflects on you. Sometimes people who don't have dementia lose interest for healthful dishes. After a certain age, I think it's up to them.

As you can see - this is a common challenge. And what is it about sandwiches? That became one of my mom's favorites. I stopped stressing over it and fixed 'healthy' sandwiches. I mean - there's bread, meat, cheese... add tomato slices, sprouts and you've pretty much hit the food groups. A little soup on the side was good too - and easy. As she aged she opted for simple foods. If I prepared something too nice - she wouldn't touch it. Go figure.

Mids we have more than four meals here in UK if one were to be really pedantic. We have breakfast, Elevenses - which is usually coffee with a biscuit or something similar, luncheon which is a light snack, then afternoon tea at 3 that a cuppa and a cake or biscuit, then high tea somewhere around 4-5 which would be a salad or a cucumber sandwich (with crusts cut off of course - said in my best posh voice) then dinner which would in past time and still is to some extent the main meal of the day for many somewhen around 7-8 then supper which again would usually be a milky drink of some sort plus a light snack.

Now I follow this pattern with Mum and she doesn't even know it and that way I get lots of little meals into her. PS The rule of thumb for us should be Eat Breakfast Like a King, Lunch Like a Prince, and Dinner Like a Pauper which effectively means that from a standing start you needs lots of fuel in the body first thing and then you should reduce the amount as the day goes on but you all knew that anyway

Thanks for all of the input, guys.

Well, it sounds terrible doesn't it? To admit that they might not live much longer so why bother with trying to feed them healthy? The emotions that I go through are so difficult. He is my dad. I love him. My husband and I are the only ones he has who do anything for him. But, his mind is very bad and like Bluecube said everyone else is dead. All dad's brothers and sisters (6), his two sons and his wife and mother in law. So, I feel it's up to me to do the right thing. Normally that would be to feed a person healthy so they can BE healthy but he is already unhealthy and at the end of life. So, why not just let him enjoy eating what he wants. Thanks Bluecube for your response.

I find dementia/alzheimers people tend to sweets and carbs. I don't cook often. When I do, Mom eats what is there. She is fed more here than when she was on her own. That was our wake up call. She had dyhydrated herself and not eating. Even now, if Ididn't give her the food, she probably wouldn't eat. She thinks I feed her too much. She has cereal and toast at breakfast. Soup and roll or crackers for lunch and fruit if she wants. Then we usually eat out. She usually doesn't eat much. If she complains about a roll being too much, I tell her to just eat what inside.
I wouldn't worry about what they eat as long as they are. Maybe a vitamin justto make sure. Our parents don't have that much going on in their lives so let them eat what they want. If they were in a facility, they would eat what they wanted. They are not monitored unless on a special diet.