Predicting death: Can anyone ease my anxiety?

I admire people of faith and I wish I had it, remain stubbornly agnostic at best, mostly non believer.
As my husband has Parkinson and watching him go from most active person to deteriorating is full of fear and anxiety.
It is not deadly disease, he can live more than another decade, but each crisis could be fatal.
I just have to remind myself I am strong, independent woman.

Some elders want to talk of nothing BUT their impending demise. That's annoying, but not unusual.

Maybe she's having premonitions--maybe she's just wanting you to tell her how much you are going to miss her--sometimes people need to feel like their families will not continue to exist without them and their wisdom.

Truth is--when we lose an elderly LO, we do feel bad--for a period of time. Then life gets settled back and we go on.

If her talk of her death is upsetting to YOU, just tell her that you're not comfortable with the talk and let her know you care about her and will miss her.

Sometimes that's all it takes to assuage mom's fears and yours.

If you are a woman of faith, please reach out to someone in your church who can talk to you.

Death is the last door we have to walk through and it's pretty darn permanent. Maybe mom is having a hard time truly believing (if she does/did) that there is something beyond this life. The great 'unkown' that keeps a lot of people up at night.

I believe, fully and openly, that my sweet folks are together in Paradise and are watching over us. I would only wish that everyone could feel the peace that comes with knowing.

In some ways, we are all dying. Help your mom to feel peacae by getting her affairs in order and by telling her you will honor he final choices. This will help BOTH of you to have the peace you need.

((Hugs))

Having paralyzing anxiety over your 87 year old mother's eventual passing bears some examination. She's already outlived the average lifespan of a female in the USA by a decade! I nor you know if she's having "premonitions" or not, but it's likely she's approaching the end of her life at some point here. You're best off confronting your fears and accepting the inevitable rather than seeking to ease your anxieties at this point.

If you are a person of faith, perhaps speak to your minister or priest or rabbi.

If you'd like to ease your fear of what happens after death a bit, read Dr Eben Alexander's book, Proof of Heaven. A very soul soothing book, one of many, that puts a different perspective on life after death.

I'm sorry you are filled with anxiety and hope you can let go of some of your worries as you focus on the next 24 hours only. Enjoy mom for today, as that's all any of us have, in reality.

I definitely think the death talk is an appropriate thing for elders as is making plans, even drawing up a funeral plan. People sometimes do this YEARS before their passing and she recognizes her age is a factor now. Any of us can die at any time but can’t dwell on that or we wouldn’t live. Former UN Ambassador Bill Richardson just died in his sleep at 75. Most of us think that’s a great way to go but better if you made plans ahead of time. Most people have some sickness before death so don’t worry now. Most people don’t have premonitions unless they are I’ll.

If your mother doesn’t seem upset talking about her death, then be thankful she is realistic about her mortality at age 87. Though it makes you anxious, she is giving you a gift. Listen to her. Get video of her and record her voice if you can (if she agrees to it). If you can be more receptive to her talking about what she wants before and after her death, you are offering her the gift of your time and presence. You’ll know what she wants and won’t question yourself later, especially if she becomes incapacitated or unable to speak clearly or write, which is what happened with my mother who recently passed at 85. I was fortunate that we could discuss her death before her dementia advanced, and she wrote down everything she wanted for her funeral, which was helpful when I was so overwhelmed with grief after her passing. Don’t wait until it’s too late. Embrace this time with her, and even if she survives another 10 years, you’ll have paved a path of conversation that helps both of you. You won’t regret it.

I have heard of people predict their death. Who said goodbyes, thanked people, packed a bag even, then slipped away that night.

But also of others that started focusing on 'the end' yet kept waking up each day.

I believe I read heart arthrymia changes can cause anxiety & feelings of 'doom'.

"wanting to spend more and more time with me etc"

That does sound anxious. Like separation anxiety. Some of my relatives became like that after stroke/TIA but I suspect it is a natural phenomena. Travelling backwards from independance to relying on others - makes sense to have your special/closest person nearby.

I have no clue if this is a stage, it it will be short or long.

What I do know is when other people need you there more & more you will slide into living more & more of their life, therefore less of yours. You have to find the right balance for you.

My mother (98, dementia) went through this almost 3 years ago. A temporary obsession. She didn’t ask to see anyone, or check if her affairs were in order. Nor did it correspond with any changes in her health or abilities. Just talked and wrote notes about it for maybe a few weeks.

You don’t mention dementia, and my mother’s death comments were part of her brain’s breakdown.

Perhaps you could ask if she’d care to discuss her concerns with her doctor. And ask her how you can help. It may ease a bit of your anxiety to help her feel prepared, even if she has years left.

Everyday while I visit with my mother she tells me she wishes she was dead. I can’t say I blame her, she no longer can do anything for herself. I just change the subject. In her case, I know this is attention seeking behavior. She’s been this way her whole life.

I’m prepared for her eventual death and my father’s. They are 95 and have had good lives. No anxiety about it happening. It’s just the natural course of life. Just hope it is peaceful and I don’t want to see them suffer.

My mother started talking seriously about dying at age 32. She lived to 95.

I wish such people would keep it to themselves. I believe it can be an attention- seeking behavior.

I find it very interesting how all of us view death individually.

I have a 100 year old cousin that I love dearly. She will talk about her plans for next year! LOL 😆. She has lived her life to the fullest! We call her the energizer bunny!

I think some people intuitively know when they are dying. It’s natural to think about death after we reach a certain age.

I think the way we view death depends on what we were exposed to earlier in our lives.

My parents took me to a lot of wakes and funerals as a child.

One of my great aunts told me not to be afraid of the corpse because the person in the casket was only ‘sleeping.’

Needless to say, as a young child I had nightmares about going to sleep and ending up permanently in a wooden box with people crying around me.

When I was a little girl, I had an 8 year old cousin that I played with who died of leukemia. His wake was hard for me to understand.

Not to mention the awful bedtime prayer.

Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray Thee Lord,
My soul to keep,
If I should die before I wake,
I pray Thee Lord,
My soul to take

This childhood prayer was unsettling for me. I didn’t want to think about death before going to bed as a small child.

So, I tend to agree with Funky, that we can develop our own issues surrounding death.

Anyway, I never wanted to be near someone who was dying. I’m not sure exactly why but I am not comfortable with it. I don’t want to see someone that I love draw their last breath.

I am happy that your mom is facing her fate. One day she is going to die and it sounds like she desires to tie up loose ends and fulfill her last wishes. I admire that.

I have a friend who is terrified of death and it makes me sad for her. She isn’t at peace with dying at all.

So be comforted that your mom has a realistic view of death. I was happy that my parents and brother were not afraid of death.

My parents and brother were ready to leave this earth. I was relieved that they were no longer suffering. Death is the end of their lives in this world but they live on in our hearts and memories.

Sure she is predicting death. Because at her age it is quite clear it is coming. Anxiety is a part of having an 87 year old Mom and I would have thought it would have begun its visitations earlier for you, in all truth.
Acceptance is also a part of it for most elders. I am 81. My daughter is 61. We more and move talk about my demise, assuming of course I will be the one to leave first, when the truth is that such assumptions often don't happen as expected. We have, here on Forum, seeing the YOUNG ones suddenly and unexpectedly "go".

We, the elderly, SHOULD make all our preparations, do any last trips we wish to and are able to, have our papers in order. I have even made a skull decorated "death" book that looks much like a Dia de los Muertes celebration. Of where everything is. Of who to notify. Of passwords. Last reminders of what accounts exist and who is bene on eat. I keep it updated. Visits here always come with a "reminder" walk through.

You will naturally have moments of anxiety. Of wondering what it will "be like". I sure did. I could not imagine life without my folks to reach out to. As it turned out, their having living full long lives as your Mom has, I felt mostly relief for them, that they would not have to suffer much of what we see here.

Don't try to hide from life. Death and leave takings are a part of it. More anxiety is caused by running or hiding. Let her share her thoughts with you.

By the way, you never told us what Mom's answer was to your questions. Wishing you the very best of luck (and life!).

How very healthy that your mom is wanting to make sure that all her ducks are in a row before she dies, and that she's talking about it.
I mean she's definitely on the down side of her life being 87 and all, and we're all going to die one day.
It sounds like it's more your fear of death and dying than it is your moms that you're having feelings of anxiety. She sounds like she's ready and she's just wanting you to know that.
None of us are guaranteed tomorrow, so just humor your mom and enjoy whatever time you may have left with her.

P.S. I do believe that some people are aware that their time here on earth is coming to an end, and perhaps your mom is one of those people. Time will tell I guess huh?

I am confused, why are you anxious about this, old people talk a lot about dying and death, they ride the waves of wanting to make sure everything is in order to forgetting all about it and doing nothing.

Yes, she will die, just how it works, everyday we live, we are 1 day closer to dying.

Reframe your mind, don't over think this, serves no purpose. Fear of the unknown just keeps one stuck.

Keep posting it will help!