POA... who's wins? - AgingCare.com

POA... who's wins?

Follow
Share

My MIL has a POA that names her husband. It then list my SIL, SIL #2, then my husband. My FIL recently changed his POA (and all other legal paperwork) naming me. My MIL got diagnosed with dementia almost 3 years ago. The FIL, SIL #1 and my husband starred fighting over what to do, how to care for mom. While they fought I started taking care of MIL. Now years after the fighting is worse; SIL #1 blames FIL for the dementia, husband tries to play peacemaker and SIL #2 just calls for updates (she lives across country). At every appointment for MIL, FIL tells them to work me me. This is doctos, nursing, assisted living facility, pharmacy even insurance companies. BUT we just found out FIL has to have major surgery. Estimated 4mth recovery. SIL#1 has threatened FIL (many times) she will take MIL away at first opportunity. MIL does not want this; FIL and MIL have good relationship. SIL swears that is the dementia talking.

My question - I have FIL's POA for everything, MIL's POA has the order listed. While FIL is in hospital does he "lose" MIL's POA and go to SIL #1? Can we get FIL to sign a "Healthcare Representative" form with all doctors and etc. for him and MIL ? Is that legal? ethical?
(I've been online researching and that seems like the only other option) Does anyone know another way to protect.
Fyi... SIL#1 only visits MIL every 4 -6 weeks and wants her in a NH now. According to doctors I am giving her excellent care, but while FIL is in hospital I've moved Mom into AL facility. SIL #1 doesn't think this is good enough. Tried discussion FIL, SIL#1 and husband cannot remain calm. I've made all arrangements.

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
24

Answers

Show:
1 2 3
No, the MIL has to change her choices of POA, the fil cannot do it for her simply by being her POA...I am my mother's POA and I am not permitted to change moms #1 and #2 poa both of whom haven't spoken to us in 6 years going on 7
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

When you get the real answer from an attorney, I'm sure many of us would benefit from having the answer. Thanks.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

Woah here too...i can only respond to one part Generally, in theory the POA would turn over POA to the next person in line stating he cannot service from this date to this date ---due to his surgery...the 2nd poa can act if the first one is unable or unwilling to....if the FIL's brain will be ok post surgery he could remain POA--your best bet is to inquire with attorney. I had a springing poa with mom and as soon as the letter from the doctor stating mom was mid alzheimer's the poa "sprung" if you wll and I took over...I didn't need to see an attorney or anything... but I don't know if one has to do something formal if they cannot or will not serve as poa---insofar as springing goes, maybe your father in law won't have any duties during his recovery ....
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

By this I mean, a caregiver who periodically uses shame or humiliation to get a cognitively slow patient to do what they should, instead of working with them in a proper manner for someone who needs time to absorb one thought before giving them another, makes a point of leaving that patient out of normal conversational topics because they don't want to take the time to explain everything, leaving the patient feeling useless and unnecessary to even their own life, particularly if the patient has PTSD which requires that their ego be carefully guarded because lack of self esteem causes them pain.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

I beg to differ about causing dementia. Alcoholism and drugs can be caused by depression and stress. Alcoholism and drugs can hasten or worsen dementia. So by not being patient or respectful of someone who is dependent on your care, you could cause their depression and a spiraling dementia. I suspect this in my own family but live too far away to help at the moment. Of course I could be wrong, so don't want to accuse someone if they are indeed doing the right thing, so the confusion and guilt is daunting.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

Thank you everyone. I've met with lawyers. I've agreed to stay "on" for the FIL until he recieves the "all clear" from the heart surgeon with future stop date if he comes out with complications.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

Ferris you are amazing with your knowledge! I would still go see the attorney because although Ferris spelled it out for you, you now need to have it signed, sealed and delivered.

As far as I am concerned anyone who refuses to go to an informational class on dementia and Alzheimer's when their loved one has it, should be whipped with a wet noodle. Really???? They need the information and from now on if they act up I would tell them to shut up if they are so lax that they refuse to seek the simple knowledge they need to understand the disease.

I do have to say that the doctor at USC did tell us that he felt that my mother had brought her dementia on herself. He felt that she had locked herself away after my father's death which led her right into dementia. He is a Neurologist and specialist in Alzheimer's.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

Well now that I've gone back and re read the part about your husband didn't want you to take the POA. You can rescind it if you want to.Just because someone name you it doesn't mean you have to accept it.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

YES, you need to protect in-laws and yourself first and foremost. You can not change anyone they have to want to change themselves. If husband and SIL don't want to go to support group that's up to them. Don't waste your time and energy worrying about what they want. It's whats best for their parent's and you that counts. One way to protect yourself is to get a note book and keep notes on daily basis. Think "Who What When Where and How" document the care given to dispel accusations of neglect or whatever should they ever arise. I think under the circumstances you did what needed to be done as far as putting MIL in assisted living while tending to FIL .Once your FIL dies you will no longer have POA and since SIL has MIL's let her take care of her unless you want to see if she will make you POA . It's much easier to be the caregiver when you also have their POA. As far as SIL in NH wanting to her up there, it's always the out of state children that usually cause problems. You can only be responsible for yourself and ones you are giving care to. Just to be on safe side ask lawyer how that POA business works concerning MIL while FIL incapacitated. I have durable POA which stays in force when my mom doesn't have her mind anymore and also her MPOA. It would be good for IN-LAWS POAs to change to durable if they aren't already. Hope this helps.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

He doesn't want the POA. He didn't want me getting it. He wants everyone to work together. He tries to play peacemaker between his sister and his mom's husband, but ends up apart of it instead. It's only been the last week he has started to acknowledge they have been too busy fighting and doing nothing. I get many "thank you" and "sorry, I have to work late". He will help when I demand it but it turns into "why can't you make Mom do" this or that. He's trying which is better than I had before.

Pstiegman - I've tried family meetings. So many variations - only the direct family no inlaws, only the mom, daughter and son, with a 3rd party present, in a neutral location. One time I even tried putting them in the car together. They scream and threaten each other. It upsets my MIL every time. I've told them they are not allowed to fight in front of her. SIL does it anyways.

Agreed completely on the marriage statement. It amazes this is HIS Mom. Again this past week we've had some honest talks about the situation. I also regularly see a therapist.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

1 2 3
This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Related
Questions