my nan has dementia and is in a care home the power of attorney is my aunt and she has stopped me from seeing my nan so when I turn up at the carehome expecting to see my nan I'm told there is a note on her records not to let me & my baby in to see her! This is my aunts actions as I get on with my nan really well, my aunt has now told all the staff a password they have to hear for anyone to visit my nan but my Aunty is the only member of the family who knows this password and isn't giving it out for us to visit Can this be done as myself & others are desperate to visit our nan We have no contacts for my aunt to resolve this issue and when I did have a opportunity to ask her why see has done this she doesn't respond! Can she do this to the rest of the family? My nan doesn't get destressed when someone has left her so this isn't a excuse she can use Please please help me
The OP is walking a bit of a minefield. There are all sorts of things she can do, but if she just turns up at the home and demands to see her grandmother she'll get "bounced" and possibly banned on the grounds that she's creating a ruckus. I hope she'll get somewhere but it's not going to be easy.
Whether a senior has asked not to have a certain visitor or someone has "conveyed" a "wish" which may not exist is a different question.
Well. All the same, no matter what the history, and given that you and especially your baby cannot be seen as posing any kind of risk to your grandmother, it should be beneficial for your grandmother to see you.
So let us begin negotiations. What you are aiming for is an agreement that you can visit your grandmother in ways that will not bring you into contact or conflict with your aunt.
For example, you could offer:
always to make an appointment;
to give at least 48 hours' notice;
to visit only at times your aunt has agreed to;
not to discuss family issues in your grandmother's hearing that might be upsetting or controversial.
It is important to realise that the home, probably Social Services, and the caring community at large are likely to sympathise with your aunt, as far as it goes. You see, your aunt has borne the full weight of caring for your grandmother over those years, and your father's way of supporting your aunt in this was to take her to court? Ouch!
But none of that is your grandmother's fault or your baby's fault, or your fault come to that. And not only your grandmother, but the other residents too would probably love seeing a baby around the place. So it isn't hopeless, but you will need to be extremely patient and steadily persistent.
Yes my grandmother is my dads mum
Thank you so much for all the help I'm so grateful x
Call the council's social services department. It'll be under Essex County Council, I should think...
Okay, I'll send you a private message with the phone number. You need to ring these people, and tell them you are concerned that your grandmother is being denied visits from her family members without good, relevant reasons. They will be able to advise you.
Your grandmother is your Dad's mother, then, is she? How does he feel about the situation? Because to be honest it would probably be taken more seriously if the concern about your grandmother was raised by her son, rather than her granddaughter.
I believe it's in my nans best interests to see other family members and have a connection with the petani love her NOT just the care home staff and only my aunt.
The carehome have told me there's nothing they can do as its on her notes and didn't seem interested in helping me in any way 😩
There isn't any court order that I'm aware of against ms I'm sure the carehome would of said.
There's no hard evidence she has to stop me or anyone else from seeing our nan apart from me giving evidence ( that had bottom do with my nan) X
Your aunt can be as angry with you as she likes; and for all I know - because how would I know? - she may have very good reasons for that. But however angry she is, she can't use your grandmother to punish you. She must put your grandmother's best interests first, even if she herself never wants to see or hear of you ever again.
The only way you are going to persuade the home to let you in, overriding your aunt's instructions, is if you can persuade the authorities that contact with you and the rest of her family is in your grandmother's best interests, and ask them to act as your advocate.
The authorities will always put your grandmother's protection first. They will put having a quiet life second. But if you can give them really good reasons for helping you, they won't ignore you. What was the court case all about?
And, by the way, where is your mother or father in all this?
I'm unsure if she is poa on both parts but I will try to look into this today, the manager has told me no one can come into see my nan unless they have the password and my aunt isn't going to be giving it out any time soon 😩
My Aunty has done this to me because I basically gave evidence against her in court so this is my punishment and now everyone else is going without aswell.
When j turned upto the carehome I needed the tiolet and asked to use the loo, the manager there told me my aunt is in seeing my nan is this going to be a problem for me? I replied not at all i don't mind seeing her. So I went to the loo while the manager went to inform my aunt I'm here and my aunt must of reminded the manager I'm not allowed in to see my nan, at this point j new nothing about 😢
Before I made my journey to the carehome I phoned in advance and spoke to the manager and she said to bring my 2 yrs old daughter as my nan would love to see her again so turning up with my baby and being told I'm not aloud to see her at all completely took me by surprise and was in a rite emotional state being told by some stranger you can't see a loved one until her funeral now I'm afraid but just write some letters to her this is wrong on every level
Then I would ask a friend of hers to make that visit and make sure she is o and not upset that she is not seeing anyone. I hate isolationism and it is illegal UNLESS there is a rationale behind it so tread with caution and CM's guidance is spot on...meanwhile make sure you don't stop treading as it were......
That is unbelievable! No, literally...
Did you say you went to the bathroom so you did not see your Aunt?
What is unbelievable is that anyone, any staff at any care home would tell you this, or even pass on a message that reads:
" was told that I can't see her as my aunt has put this on her notes so was told I'd only see her at her funeral if I get a invite that is."
Who told you this?
I want to be supportive, and I understand about the lies family (your aunt?) can say to isolate your loved one, ban the family, good family. etc.
What is the motive, as you see it?
Power of Attorney in the UK falls into two distinct types, both called LPA (Lasting Power of Attorney). There is one type for Finance, and one for Health & Welfare. Your aunt may have both.
Note: if your grandmother made arrangements prior to 2005, under what was then Enduring Power of Attorney, the rules are slightly different. Do you happen to know when your aunt's POA was drawn up?
In any case, let's assume she's operating to current rules.
If she has LPA for Health & Welfare, then your grandmother must have filled out a form which had to be signed by her, and countersigned by her GP or someone with similar professional standing who knew her well and was satisfied that she fully understood what she was doing.
Later on, when your grandmother became affected by her dementia to the point where she wasn't able to make her own decisions, your aunt would have had to register the LPA with the Office of the Public Guardian, the OPG. The OPG would have checked that it was in order, and would also have written to anyone your grandmother had specified as "people to be told." Your grandmother may not have specified anyone, but the idea is that other people are informed before an LPA comes into effect, so that they have the chance to speak up if they have any serious concerns about it; so it is recommended and there is a special section on the form for it.
So let's say that your aunt was given both types of LPA by your grandmother. Has your aunt been her primary carer for a long time?
You can find out from the OPG whether your grandmother has appointed your aunt formally by filling in Form OPG100. Go to www.gov.uk/opg and you'll see quite a lot of useful information.
You will also see a link to "report concerns" - don't do this, not yet. You need to find out more about what exactly is going on.
If your aunt has given instructions that "ban" certain family members from visiting your grandmother at the care home, and the care home is meekly following her instructions, it sounds as though somebody has raised this as a safeguarding issue. You may be able to find out more from Adult Social Services, or possibly from the manager of the care home; but you have to realise that although they can talk to you they will have to maintain confidentiality, which means that they can't give you private information about your grandmother.
You can look up the care home's CQC report, too - go to the Care Quality Commission and search by the care home's name - and I hope you'll find it reassuring. It isn't the most luxurious ever, but it seems to have its priorities right and to be a happy place.
Look. If your aunt just said "I'm not having that lot in here, don't let them in", the home manager wouldn't just say "oh, fine, whatever you say," because that is not best practice and she has professional guidelines to follow. So there must have been a discussion, and the home manager must have agreed that it was in your grandmother's best interests to have visitors vetted.
In your place, I'd start by ringing Adult Social Care and asking their advice. The important thing is that your grandmother has a right to see her family, and normally visits would be encouraged. If they're being prevented, it's usually for a good reason.
Do you really have no idea what it might be?
My Aunty wouldn't come talk to me to resolve this so I was asked to leave, I was told by the care home to bring my baby as my nan loves babies but at this time the lady on the phone didn't no I was barred and nor did I.
Can my aunt stop me from seeing her? She has also stop basically everyone who mows her from going in the carehome
Take a person who is allowed to visit Nan with you when you go.
In the meantime, send cards, photos, hand deliver to nurses' station.