Why would a POA decide to make funeral plans with Dad when she has two sibling that should be involved? - AgingCare.com

Why would a POA decide to make funeral plans with Dad when she has two sibling that should be involved?

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This sister has taken everything into her hands since my mother died. In Maryland, she is no longer a POA since my father died recently. The POA also died! So what could be her reason for not including the other two children in the funeral planning? She likes "control".

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Yes, whoever is doing all of the daily caregiving for your Mom should be justly compensated for it and you are not. Is your brother out of his mind? Does he not know that he can be investigated with social security fraud as suzmarie said, your attorney [if you have one] your other siblings, Legal Aid, etc....What he is doing to you is cruel and unjust. Has your Mom and him gone to an attorney in the past to make him legal executor of her estate [of her social security checks and everything else?] If not, he has no right to do what he is doing. The social security checks that your Mom receives every month is addressed to your MOM and NOT your brother. Please God help this woman receive justice!!!
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A legal caregiver agreement is always the best way to go - whoever is doing the work should be fairly paid for it, just as if they were an outside employee. Otherwise you end up in a very unfair and resentment causing situation.

As for the funeral...the family could not agree after my Dad died, so he had 2 funerals, which made everyone happy (sort of).
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sounds like if the brother is giving mom only 250 dollars there is social security fraud going on. if she is on social security that money all of it, it hers not his. you can report this ad ss will investigate.
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amelia60, you are right, POA has no bearing on anything after death. Is this sister also executor? Was she the primary caregiver? Do other siblings live in different towns? Did dad discuss with this sister what kind of funderal he wanted?

I don't know what the family dynamics have been so it is hard to say why she went ahead with this on her own. It may be her own need for control, or it may something else, like wanting to do what is expedient to get it over with, or feeling that no one helped her with other tasks, or desire to do things exactly the way Dad wanted them ... or who kows what other reasons? Have you asked her?

Regardless of her reasons, go to the funeral and let the healing process begin.
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HI Louiam,
Do you mean to say that your brother convinced your Mom into giving him financial POA - or be the official executor of her estate? That would have to be done with an attorney. Maybe you could speak to the attorney and tell them that your brother is abusing your Mom's finances and doesn't give you a cent for ALL the work you are doing and he is doing nothing. A medical POA can be done with your Mom's living will--on your own--[but she must sign it] you don't need an attorney to do this medical part. My brother is executor of my parents estate [Dad did this with the attorney long before he passed] while I have medical POA because it is me who took care of Dad before he passed and is still taking care of Mom. Gosh, there must be something you can do, because you are being abused just as your Mom is. Is there free Legal Aid in your state that you can get free legal advice?
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This is crazy .My brother talked my mom into signing him 4 years ago and he keeps her check book and only gives her 250.00 amonth to get e everythong she needs all her food meds personal items I take her to all her drs appts and take care of her clean for her cook help her bath and get her what she needs ans Im not working so i really don't extra my mom will not take him off.
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Dear Amelia60,
I don't know why your sister is not including the most important people in your lives at this point. Usually, there are two people who have POA--two for financial POA and two for Medical POA - just in case something like your situation arises--which it has in your life. In our family, we have two for each--"back ups" in case something like this happens, which it does.
Who has been caring for your parents all of this time? Her or you? Or who has been making all the financial and medical decisions for them all of this time?
Did your parents make a living will before they passed? You must have an attorney to make a living will and empower an "executor" of their estate. Whoever is the executor of your parents estate, that person is the decision maker. If they did not make a living will, or appoint a financial POW or medical POA, then you must have a sit down with your sister and find out what's on her mind and why she is doing what she is doing.
This is a very stressful time for all of you, and yes, as mameformom said, it can bring out the worst or very best in families, but stress is the main emotional conduit by which wrong or very hurtful decisions are made. I believe that ALL OF YOU be involved int he decison making process. That is what we did--my other two siblings. First, we had a sit down with our financial adviser--he said that its critical that the 3 of us be on the same page before anything happens to Mom and Dad. So that when that "time" comes, we are not stressed and overloaded with unanswered questions of what must be done. That's when mistakes happen and emotional burdens rises to the surface.
Please try to communicate softly and with compassion with your sister so that you two can connect with love and not resentment or power controlling emotions.
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You are absolutely right, she does not have the 100% authority to do this! All you need to do is stand up for yourself and get in the process.
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Amelia-I am so sorry you are left out of this process as it can be very healing to be part of the planning. Your sister may be doing it because she is a control freak-or it may be the feeling of loss and this is just the only way she knows how to get through it. In my situation, my mother has lived with me for 8 years. I have several siblings, but only a few who help on a regular basis. The others have to be begged to visit her! Anyway, she and I have talked about her funeral over the years and I don't think anyone else has. I will include the family with making the plans but I will make it very clear that her wishes come first. I went to your profile to get a sense of what is going on but didn't get any details. Has she been caring for your parents or have you? If she was caring for them maybe she knows what they wanted? or feels like she is entitled to make these decisions because she is resentful toward other siblings? It is hard to say... Has she always been one to take over? A death can bring out the best infamlies or the worst. Try to keep the good memories of your parents and let go of this situation so it doens't cause a rift in your family that cannot be fixed. I have actually thought that when my mom dies, that I am going to hand the sibs a piece of paper with her wishes and church songs she loved and saying-you all deal with the funeral-I took care of her in life. My work is done. My resentment is that they are not here while she is living...so, if planning her funeral will make them feel better-let them, it is truely their loss. Good luck with the sister...and I am sorry for your loss. Mame
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Maybe she's the only one that does anything. I have two siblings that have done nothing to help care for my aging parents. No phones to ME to see how I am doing, no emails. And when I asked for help, they said no. I don't want the control, but I've got it. I am so hurt by how my siblings have abandoned me. Moved my parents out of their home because it was falling apart around them, mother self medicates, father has angry, nasty dementia, medicare, medicaid, 5 surgeries, nursing homes, you name it. And I'm still raising teenagers. My life is a mess and they continue on their merry way. So why don't you pick up the phone and call her. Maybe that's all she wants.
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