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My 82 yr old mother, with quickly onsetting dementia, is about to sign over her PofA to people she believes she can trust as they have been her "local family" and caregiver for years. But one son is also a manipulator and has been in a sick fantasy relationship (on her part) whereby she has been depleting her savings (giving to him for this or that) and she will soon be down to her monthly pension.

Yes, we have always been close but a recent diagnosis set off further dementia, increasing the "relationship" with the son and I am now the daughter who wants to "put her away".....words I'm sure from his mouth.

My question is this: son is also the heir to her estate (something my brother and I have learned to accept for years...no legal recourse). Estate will be her home.

Is there a clause I, as her daughter, could ask her atty to consider including (for my mom's protection) in the PofA document, which requires PofA to use her assets to pay for her healthcare while she's alive? Previously she and I had always discussed it might be a possibility that the house might need to be sold to pay for healthcare - in whatever form that might be. Now, with the PofA being the heir, I see conflict. It is also possible that Mom will assign son's mom as primary and him secondary. But case would be the same, I believe.

Please help. Thank you.

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This is a very difficult situation and amazingly similar to my own situation. I've been told that I need a lawyer. A hospital social worker has been encouraging me to "fix" the situation. I was also told by a legal expert that the executor of the will and the POA should never be the same person. It seems as though there is a huge chance that your mother's care could be compromised if her POA is unwilling to use the house to pay for her care. You might also contact Adult Protective Services and express your concern. If there is suspected endangerment of any kind, they will send someone to investigate.
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little warning when it comes to APS be very careful because once they get in on something they will turn your lives upside down and no one but the state will get your mothers estate and finaces and they will toss her in a Nursing home and then you will be paying out the butt for lawyers and everything else ... these people will make up all kinds of lies to get what they want when they want it .. so before you contact them seriously ask yourself is your mothers life worth handing to people that really do not care
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I just recently filed a complaint against family members with Adult Protective Services re: a similar situation. I also petitioned the court w/my mother's agreement & became her legal voluntary guardian. For elders who are not alert, there is involuntary legal guardian. Some things to consider....
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Be thankful that there is someone there to take care of your mother, and forget about the money. She would be in a NH if not for them. In a worst case scenario, if you had them arrested for draining her accounts, you would have to go back to East Texas and take care of her. Are you able to do that?
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Oh dear, I sure feel your pain. What would I do, could I do? I am the executor of my mother's will and her enduring power of attorney. So legally they found nothing wrong with this. I would contact her lawyer and talk to him and see what he can do for you. If your mother is competent to make the poa then her wishes will trump yours. I hope that the lawyer can put your wishes in the POA and that mom will see the sense in this and agree, good luck.
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All of you are so wonderful and sympathetic and WISE.
As of this morning, my mother's attorney "should" be reading the fax that I poured my heart into and sent him last night. I explained the "background" of my concerns, the present situation, the fact that I "did" recently call APS as I fear "someone" brought a bag of candy into the house (her room) whereby she ate half the bag and her BSugar went up to 500. That, to me, is directly abuse in her situation.
I don't know what will happen. All of your points are correct. Could my husband and I take care of her if all else fails? Yes and we would. We I do everything else I could do legally "get the sucker"?!? I don't know. My brother and I have been out of my mom's will since 2004 because of him and it took a long time to get over that. My mom has chosen him over us in any situation for years as well, and it's taken "not yet" for me to get over that one. So I don't know. Especially as she changes. BUT, saying that, I DO know that she's happy and cared for now. I'm just projecting into the future, and perhaps that's wrong. If I'm lucky, I'll be posting in the future that I lucked out and they wrote a beautiful obituary for her.

BUT, if I can, I'll let you know what the attorney does re: PofA and her safety.

Fingers crossed!
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I'm hoping that the case was closed, but I just called for a follow up (left message). We'll see. Sounds like you had experience.....
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I certainly understand how you feel. I used to take care of my Mom before she went to stay with my sister in another state. In 4 short years, 30 years of my mothers savings was used by my sister to pay college tuition for her child. My sister is also Executor for my Mom's estate.

Those who say, "Forget about the money. Be happy someone is taking care of your Mom," don't seem to understand that breach of fiduciary trust is about NOT caring for Mom; that using Mom's money for personal gain is NOT in Mom's best interest. If a family caregiver can't handle fiduciary responsibilities because he or she is emotionally compromised by stress/burn-out, that family caregiver should either: Work with family members who are willing to take over caregiving or solicit help from family members and/or legal professionals with respect to developing a management plan for Mom's finances.

When a parent saves for years to fund their retirement, and over the years, state time and again, the importance of their savings for assisting with their care, those statements should recognized and respected by family POAs. And while the vast majority of parents would have no problem with full-time family caregivers receiving a stipend from their savings for providing care, most would no doubt be concerned if their adult child drained their savings for college tuition or any other big ticket expenses at the expense of their parent. This is a breach of trust -- one that can have a direct impact on the parent's care options as the need to adjust care develops over time. It represents a loss of choice -- the difference between having in-home care during a crisis or not having extra assistance or access to medical options that otherwise would've been affordable.

I see this happening now with my Mom, who's in need of the kind of high-priced medical care that must be paid for up-front, and is not covered by Medicare. She would've had many choices had it not been for her resources being drained by her POA. In my case, speaking up for my Mom has basically resulted in my siblings cutting me off. I want my Mom to come and stay with me, but my sister who is POA and Executor, has shut down every attempt I've made to bring my Mom to my home.

I've seen much criticism of other siblings by siblings who are caring for parents. Other siblings are often characterized as "greedy," and "only concerned with preserving inheritance," when in fact most of these siblings are concerned about preserving care choices and quality of life for parents over time.

I hope things work out for you. I don't know if talking to attorneys or reporting to APC makes a difference since the law basically allows POAs to have full power over their Principal's lives. This results in other siblings/family members having very little say in decisions regarding their parent's care or finances.

I hope things work out for you.
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I have durable POA for my mother, executor to her estate and joint on checking account. I am adament about using her assets for her care if it should come to that. My mother wants to live in her own home until she dies and if not move in with me to make sure her assets go to her heirs which I am one of. I have no intention of taking on a 24/7 responsibility so others can wait for their fair share of the estate. My mother is so obsessed about the inheritence she refuses to acknowledge that my decision to utilize her assets for her care if it should come to that, could wipe out any inheritence. Her assumptions will never become my reality. As long as she is being cared for in a safe environment is the only concern I have and I use her assets for that care!
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Everything that my mother owns his hers. I do not or would not take what is not mine to take. I care for nothing physical, what I care for his her. She was a very materialistic person, she liked the mink coat. So here I am with a mink coat that I just detest. These are things, she coveted them and what do they mean today, nothing. I don't know if I can ever wear that coat, but I can tell you it is a lesson to be learned from.
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