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I need advice. My Dad is in the VA needing physical rehab really badly and he often needs to be reminded what day / year it is and where he is. Once filled in, he holds the position all day. When not briefed on the current life situation, he can regress, and look into his memories to fill in the missing information. So he will look around, and if he sees a lot of flags all around, and what looks like uniforms, he thinks he's in a holding camp during a war. Silly stuff like that. He doesn't DO anything about it, but speaks of "whether or not they will ever accept our way of life". Kind of cute, it's fun to correct him. What I'm afraid of if he doesn't get "re-directed" to reality, is he just going to sink farther and farther into his memories and become like the old men that do nothing but stare at a wall all day? I think even if that is all he's going to do, he should do it in a pleasant setting, not starting at old farts crazier than he is. He has the money, and I've found a retirement place that will work for him that we can afford, and yet I am not the POA, my sibling is. I am afraid he is just going to say no to it, let him stay in the VA, where he might get a visit from a family member once a week. I live 3000 miles away and have decided to stay here until we find a spot where people will like to visit him and where he has a chance at happiness. I don't know what I'm going to do if my sibling refulses to use his power of attorney to spend my Dad's money on my Dad. I can not get legal about it, I have to stay family - I have other family members who need my support so I can't just write off this sibling. I need to keep the relationship intact. I think he wants to bring him home, he thinks he cares for him as well as the doctors, and ignores the fact that there are others in the household whose life the constant attention an invalid needs would affect. Is this to long and rambling of a question, I hope not.

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Jeanne, By saying that you get a lot of the picture, I was affirming your questions. Yes I have a handicapped sister. She is supported in part by Dad's money. So is everyone else in that household, 3 working age adults, who don't work. I am getting to know my sibling better and I think he has my Dad's best interest at heart, we are beginning to agree on how to proceed, so I no longer have a question. Except how to deal with Dad's dementia. How to make him not anxious when he can't remember anything but feels he's failing us somehow..... Keeps wanting to know how he will wake up the morning, who will call him to get up, afraid he will miss out on the day. Far too complex to go into here although I am sure many on here have been through the same things ... it is not easy getting older. So thank you so much for offering to help You did actually. Thanks again.
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ThereIsNoTry, do you think you could answer my questions?
1) Do you have a handicapped sister? Is she relying on Mom and Dad's money?
2) What is your question for us?
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Jeanne, you sem to get a lot of the picture. The VA is taking very good care of him - physically. My fear is for quality of life. What is the point of living if you are miserable? The moments he has of clarity are spent without anything AT ALL cheerful or pretty. The staff love him and are helpful, but can only offer kind words in passing, the rest of the time he can't even watch tv. In a private facility, he would be around others that are like he is. Aware of their surroundings and able to interact with one another. At the worst of my fears, it seems the brother has turned the care of his family into a cottage industry. He could supervise their care using the money, or he could do it all himself, complaining all the while how he has no life. I do live 3000 miles away and I do spend weeks at a time here several times a year. I care for my sister and talk to her daily, often the only person she has to talk to as she prepares for bed. Currently I am kicking myself for not intervening sooner. I have been here for a month, spending my money and time to do so. This is not fun, but it is necessary. When you care about someone, even from 3000 miles, it is all you think about. I haven't had a vacation with my husband in 3 years because all my spare money and time is spent on this issue. Being here this month I am more sympathetic to his situation and still he talks of bringing Dad home. I can't tell him to stop wasting my time talking about something I can't agree with, so I tell him he's preaching to the choir. I really don't know how this will end. Pam, I am sorry you have gotten my story so wrong. I really don't find any of your comments helpful or accurate. Did it ever occur to you that there are many sides to a problem?
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You start out by saying you want advice, but it is not clear to me exactly what your question is. How to force the POA to spend money on the choices you've made for Dad's living arrangements? I think the answer to that is to obtain guardianship of your father. Then you make the decisions. This is an expensive process, and there is a risk that if there is no agreement among family the court could appoint a professional guardian rather than any family member.

I've read your previous posts, trying to piece together the story. It sounds like your brother, the POA, wants to use the VA benefits your father is entitled to in order to conserve money to take care of a sister. Do you have a handicapped sister?

You say that the VA is taking very good care of your father. You seem to think he will not get as many visits there as he would if he were somewhere else. Why is that? Location? Since you are 3000 miles away I assume that where he is living won't make any difference in the number of visits you make. Who will visit him more often in one place rather than in another?

It might be helpful if you explain the entire situation, rather than pieces of it in different posts.

Having a loved one with dementia is very challenging and difficult to accept. That he is considered "aggressive" is a huge worry. Being so far away adds to the stress.
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He cannot live on his own. You have said he is often delusional or hallucinating. You don't want to accept that he is in a locked unit for very good reasons. You insist there is no court order, but I can assure you he did not get committed to a secure facility on the whim of anyone.
You live 3000 miles away and your sense of guilt will not allow you to accept his situation. You need some counseling to accept reality. Typically a person in denial on this forum will rephrase and repost the question hoping the answers will somehow change. They don't change. So you have a choice, post it again somewhere else, or accept the reality that Dad needs 24/7 care.
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pam, I wasn't concerned about him being in the VA inappopriately. They are doing a really good job, at least the day crew is. Can't say what happens at night. My concern is once they release him. Will we be able to have him move to a new place legally or can he squat in his own home forcing us to call social services on him? It's either that or he never sees his home again, and that doesn't seem fair. If we sign the form that spends the money for him to live in a place for a month, he will move there if he knows we did it legally. If he even suspects that he has a say in the matter he won't go. It may mean we need to decide if he's ever allowed to see the home he's built before he dies. I don't like that decision and I don't want to make the wrong one. Snarky comments sure don't help. I enjoy my Dad's company that's all I meant. People who don't, it becomes obvious that you are only doing it out of duty - after a while it becomes bothersome but we aren't at that stage yet! I guess it's a stupid question.
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Yeah, Jeanne, we'll just let them ignore him and soon he'll stare at the wall and be as miserable as the rest of them. But he'll eat good!!!!
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VA policy states that involuntary admissions are done so in accordance with state law. Honest.
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If you find Dad's delusions "kind of cute" and find that "it's fun to correct him" then I think you are not informed sufficiently to have any say in in the proper and appropriate treatment for your dad. Let the POA make decisions about how Dad's money should be spent on Dad.
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No court order
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If Dad is in a lock-up unit, it took a court order to get him placed there, and it will take a court order to get him out. The POA cannot override a court ordered placement, his hands are tied, it's not about choices.
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