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Should I contact the attorneys who drew up the POA naming me as POA, my sister as secondary, based on the information they gathered from our mother with NO input from us?

My sister refuses to assist me in any way with the care of our mother to the extent of she has refused to take our mother to the hospital when our mother called her twice in the past few months in pain and sick. When she called me, I took her and she was admitted each time, once with a dx of liver disease, very sick, and this last time with pneumonia and she was placed into the ICU. The only reason my mom called her these two times was she feels bad calling me for everything. That is what my mom said to me. We had an argument earlier in the day of the second occasion, but mom says that is NOT why she did not call me first. However, my sister proceeded to say that my mother had pneumonia due to this argument, to, imo, deflect that she refused to help her. I finally had the Dr. call my sister and tell her that was insane.

When I tried to call my sister to try to discuss our mom after discharge, she began screaming and cussing me, not the first time, and I allowed her to do it, again, and when she was not relenting, saying "Oh, I see, now you want to go home, huh, you want a break so you call me? Well, you wanted control and you got it..blah blah" same old song and dance that i have been hearing for over a year and I have told her repeatedly that I did not ask for this, I was as surprised as her. I have offered it to her, begged her to take it, etc. When I try to talk to her about why she will not help at all, all I get is "Eff you". She is angry and I am exhausted. I finally told her that I am done, I do not need her say so, or to confer with her. I am not asking for permission when I have called, I am trying to involve her but I am done. I will do what is best for mom, and as she has taken this stand repeatedly, I will not take the abuse anymore. To not contact me. I told her I would go to counselling with her or whatever is needed but as it stands, not be cussed or screamed at any longer.

There has been a lot of work needed to take care of mom, a lot. Her kitchen was found to have black mold that had encroached to the extent that the entirety of her kitchen and dining room had to be redone. I did all of it, and this was through TGiving and Christmas, then with her last illness beginning Dec. 26. My wedding anniversary is NYE and I spent that in my moms hosp. room with my spouse, toasting it with my mom with cider.

I am doing all that I can, had no vacation last year to my sisters two as my sister told me tough luck when I asked if she would take mom to the Dr. on the only Friday that I could get away with my husband. She said no, she had drinks planned that evening with ex coworkers. Hello? She could do both.

I finally have hired a daily weekly caregiver and applied for a VA pension, which had unreal paperwork and took me forever, to cover this to try to find some relief.

I, myself, am not well with some serious illnesses, VTach with a implanted defib, brain tumor, rare crippling autoimmune disease CIDP, etc., and I do not work. My sister still works, which is one of the reasons that they chose me to be the DPOA. We are both her healthcare POA. As i understand that, though, it is really more of her DNR. My sister thinks it is so she can sign things to check her into the hospital, etc., but it incenses me when she shows up there, as she did with this last thing, and tries to act as if she is the decision maker for mom's health when she has NO idea what meds she is on, what her situation is, etc. She has not taken her to one appt. to the 25 I did last year, nor helped with any of mom's needs, like finding a new medicare ins. company, etc. She has no clue the extent of work this requires, and all that she has ever done is complain about her job anyway. I may not work, but I work at other things in my life and my own Dr. appts. more than I can tell anyone.

So, here is my question. Do I contact the attorneys regarding her hostility toward me and our mom and ask if she should be removed? I have no help and cannot even take vacation. She feels no obligation to mom at all and she did sign as the secondary POA and it is her duty to take care of mom in my absence. I am very concerned that she will not. Sorry for the long dissertation but it is what it is. When I try to talk to mom, she says, "I cant hurt one of my kids" and who she is hurting is me, not her. They see this as a popularity contest, not the burden that it is. I accept this and my sister could help minimally and it would be ok but to hate me more than she loves our mother is unacceptable and her behavior and lies and lack of control of her temper has to stop. I am doing the best that I can, I reject the joint executrix mom has assigned. She will do that alone. The funeral is pd. for.

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You know, in real life, the person in charge is NOT supposed to also DO everything themselves. "If you care about it enough you will do it yourself" is a LOUSY hand to be dealt. But it happens in the workplace too, when you are not top dog and calling all the shots, people dump stuff on you because they know you care and won't leave the project undone, and big boss only cares that it gets done, not if the workload is fair....
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Since I cannot find a way to edit previous posts, just an fyi that iPad and I fight over : grammar, spelling.
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I just could scream and my heart is woth you. Hope your mom gets better soon. The times that I have just told mom, 'this is what we are doing' she has almost seemed relieved. I think one of the things that has been the hardest has been trying to include my sis, who could care less, and then my third daughter, who is always there, when she tried to talk to my sister as a womas, who is also named for her,was told 'eff you'. Well, thats my flesh and blood and without her the house would not have been completed for my mom to return to so, I left word at that point that it was in everyone's best interest for her to stay away as I was at moms around the clock, or let me know she was coming by mom so I could leave. It was inappropriate to cuss my daughter.
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I am sitting next to mom inside the rehab unit in a nursing home. Its3am. She broke her hip a month ago. Why am I here? Post op delusion and paranoia from anesthesia. Where is my fair weather sister- where she usually is when mom needz care- any where but here. I am #1 on POA. Sister needs replaced by her own adult daughter who cares for grandma when I need help. How easy is this? SUPER EASY. You can bring most any qualified Insurance agent- one who sells long term health care. Some are licensed or work with an attorney who is and will go bedside. Competency or lack there of of mom can only be determined by a qualified doctor and NO attorney will refuse her requested changes unless sister makes a fuss. Get it done because even if after the fact sister makes a fuss- there is no way she can prove mom was not coherent at signing time because that will be the PAST. The only thing she could do is give her money to attorneys while she tries. They will bleed her dry. If sis isn't loaded with money- no attorney will waste time fighting it. My sister has seen mom 2x in 6 weeks. I've spent no less than 6 hours a day sitting bedside and talking with doctors, nurses and staff. Sis has to go- her daughter added. Sis can whine and cry all she wants but she can waste her money trying to over turn it- and I might add- her inheritance as it will be moms money that will defend moms decision. Or she can wait till moms gone and get her share of inheritance. What ever profits these fair weather children will be the way they go so point this out to sister. Shell realize that she can sit back and wait till the estate is divided up and not have to lift a finger waiting.
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Ty so much! For years I had self doubt as the older sister thinking I had to rise above and also that I must have done something to deserve it. The later came as a self persecution across the board. Being 5.5 years older and having a mom that did not nurture a sister bond between us, mostly because she turned us into her own sister dynamic, we were lost from the start. None of this could be understood by kids nor by our mom, who still cannot, she is lost in that mirror and dementia. I will see her to the other side unless it becomes something that threatens to shorten my life. My sister got the short straw, in her opinion, of always being asked if she was my sister. Well, tough tuttie. I cannot help that. I had nada to do with it. If I tormented her when we were tots, I am truly sorry, but there was no evil intent, just normal childhood 'stuff' so how long does one say they are sorry for pinching dpsomeone when they were 8? I cannot do that the rest of my life and that is the extent of the wrong doing. I never tied her up and poured honey on her in the sun over an ant hill, ok? But you would think so. We were raised in an era that promoted 'spare not the rod' and so our dad did use his belt. More on me, he did NOT want me. Another story but when she was born he was ready for her. He doted on her, called her The Queen. So, here is our mom, obsessed with me, in an unhealthy way, trying to make up that difference, "be popular, but I hate you for it" and ignoring my sister, dad doting on her, me slowly losing my mind, dad has no kind word for me, etc. yes, he beat me with the belt. Sometimes left welts and they bled more than once. But the thing is, how I view that is, it was an abusive event, but I was not an abused child. Things could have been better but I have a healthly perspective on it all. Things hapoen, humans do the best they can and bring the knowledge they have to the parenting table. I forgave him for his feet of clay and loved him. We worked all that out. But fot her? He spanked her two times that she cannot forgive him for, he begged her, to his dying day. She told him she did, but would not come and stay with our mom when she came home from the hosp., citing that she was spanked in that room she would sleep in and she could not abide it. I have talked to her over and over about it and she just gets worse. Why? It is an excuse to abdicate herself from her responsibility. She is also a liar. I could go on for days. And the sad part is when mom says 'I cannot hurt het' putting all the work on me. Or says 'well, I did it for my mom and no one helped me, not little Nan' again putting us in those roles but really? In reverse. Mom was 32 when she cared for her mom to my 62. She was healthy to my ill state. One thing my POA stipulates is that I have complete control to place her in a facility.
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oneoftwo - it sounds as if you have been quite abused by your mum and by your sister and that you are hurting big time because of it. I understand that. Your sis is very verbally abusive. Once my father died I felt I had no family in the emotional sense, and from then on relied on friends and counsellors for support. They both seem narcissistic to me, which my mum and sis are too. Such people are incapable if normal human relationships and will eat you up and spit you out then blame you for the mess on the floor. I am so sorry that they are like this. I know the pain and heartache it brings. You can survive it, but have to give up all hope of any kind of normality. Some psychologists recommend going no contact if there is no recognition and effort on their part that things need to be improved. I have reduced contact with my mother to what I feel is absolutely necessary, and pretty well gone no contact with my sister for now.

There are several articles here and many on the internet about narcissism in families, and about detaching which helps you to cope. One book by Karyl McBride - "Will I Ever Be Good Enough?: Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers" has helped some people here. There are other good books too and web sites about narcissism and children or daughters of narcissists etc.

What you can do to make your life more manageable is the following:

establish boundaries - like refusing to participate in abusive conversations by walking away of hanging up,
give up the idea that they will ever change and grieve the absence of the mother and sister you needed and never had
learn about narcissism and how to deal with narcissists.
get support by going to a therapist and coming to groups like this one

This is how I have slowly come out of the FOG which is manipulation by fear obligation and guilt which narcissists use heavily.

They do what they can to destroy your self-esteem and you have to rely on others who are healthy to give you positive feedback.

((((((((((((hugs))))))))) I know how tough it is.
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My mom really lives in her own mirror, she cannot see anyone but herself. Unfortunately, my sister is my mom. If you sister can say "you deserve cancer, to be cheated on, no one loves you, not even mom, my only real sister is dead, you deserve to have your boyfriend kill himself, no one can stand you, you deserve all your illness, and on and on because she does not like directions on an invite, wellllllllllllll.....
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Oh oneoftwo - that sounds so familiar. My sis is narcissistic like my mum who also has a personality disorder. A psychiatrist who saw all three of us many years ago, said I was normal, my mother was indeed mentally ill but he was more concerned about my sis She tends to the sociopathic I think. Although mother and sis were friends and holidayed together, often at mother's expense, mother wanted me to look after her finances and health. Sis expected mother to live near her and I am sure she had designs on her money. Mother told me she did. When mother came in my direction about 15 years ago, I was somewhat shocked and dismayed. I had never gotten along with either of them and would not put up with some of their garbage so there was strife sometimes. Like you, I find another way around it now, Sis was more covert and smiled to my face then stabbed me in the back, That was worse that open disagreement. My mother wants to fight too, and raged and raged throughout my childhood.

You have to take a stand and do what you think is right, Yes, it is hard when you have no support. My mother took her anger out on my father too and me, then when he died they both turned on me. I did not attend his funeral as they were being so nasty and I could not cope with my grief and their nastiness. I went across country to see him before he died at his request.

It is a difficult journey. ((((((hugs))))) hope my sharing helps.
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Ty so so much emjo. Heart breaking, just so sad. My sister lies and exagerates, but she is a carbon copy of our mom. The nutty thing is that my mom only wants me to take care of her finances, etc. She trusts me as much as she can trust but her continued cognitive decline hurts all this. And my heart. We have a past fraught with a lot of fighting and yelling, mom and I, which I refuse to engage in now, but mom needs. She did this with my dad and has turned it into me since he passed in 2007. Taking a stand and putting an end to the barrage of insults and torturous comments was hard but had to happen. I will write more later, i need feed back badly.
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oneoftwo - my sister has her own problems, but our situations are similar. I cannot trust her to help mother. A few summers ago when I was on holiday mother ended up in hospital due to a psychiatric issue. My sister also signed those papers as my back up. I was in the north and not immediately reachable. My sis, though she lives in another country, was reachable by phone. She refused to take any action, but got her daughter to leave messages for me asking sarcastically if I was POA and what was I going to do about mother. My answer was that sis was back up and it was her responsibility to deal with mother's issues when I was away. Sis did nothing but criticise me. First mother appointed me, then she wanted joint with my sister and I, and I refused that as it would have been impossible. Sis and I have never gotten along and mother and she have done a lot of triangulation over the years. So she decided to appoint my sis as back up. It was pointless from a caregiving point of view. When mother was in hospital recently and I was out of the country, the hospital asked who they should contact. My daughter agreed to be that person. I had already told the hospital about my sister and will have to let the new ALF know about her too. She is nothing but trouble, and has accused me of having a vested interest in mother's demise. Her son has told me that she has plotted for years to get all the inheritance. She took her own children to court and won family money from them. She may well attack me in the area of financial POA once she learns I am having to deal with all mother's finances. She has already expressed distrust.

It sounds like you have some good young people to help you and back you up and for your mother's sake and your own sake, I hope you let them help you. Give up on your sister as it will only lead to more aggravation for you. She is not a healthy person and trying to force her to be responsible is a losing battle.

Good luck to you (((((((((((hugs)))))))
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I told her this last go round, "I do not need your approval, nor do I need to confer with you to make any decisions on moms behalf. You keep saying I wanted control, I had it and you are correct. I have tried to respect you and keep you in the loop while you repeatedly disrespect me, cuss me, keep secrets regarding info you have about mom, etc . So, no more. I refuse to buy into your bad temper, bad behavior, narcissism. This is not about you nor about me, it is about mom and I am so tired of saying that to you. I love mom but you need to grow up and realize we do this one time, and this is it."

This is horrible because she lives in a world of imagined misdeeds and jealously. I choose to forget the bad as much as I can, she only embraces it. She is bitter and angry, I try to push that away. We are so different and the same and I dearly would love to have her in my life but never, ever, ever again. Ever. I have taken her lashings and beat downs, verbally, since 1983, as much as I allowed myself to go around her, and for the last 5 years, a lot. I hoped she would get over it. I went to her house last summer, spent the day with her, and I got on my knees beside her on the deck and told her how much I loved her and wanted her in my life, and hoped she would understand I would never hurt her. She is full of mistrust and petty fears. I am not the enemy but she cannot see anything, has no friends, gets fried from all her jobs. It is very sad. I told her once, when she said she runs everyone off, that she could never run me off but she finally did. I cannot take it any longer.

I gave up on her stepping up and that is where my concern does come in. Mom could need help were I to go out of town. But I am thinking a grand daughter not a legal person or stranger. Someone like that. I have four daughters, and young man in our life like a son and two nephews, most of which would be thrilled to step in. Three are nurses and one has a double medical degree. So, any one of them may suffice. But my sister has definitely shown she will not be bothered. When I say it is her duty, it is her duty because she signed those documents, legally, to be the secondary if I go out of town, am not available, and that is her responsibility.
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So the reality of the situation is in order to save your health and sanity, you have to cut your sister off from thinking she has any say or control in taking care of your mom. As secondary POA (as I understand it), she only takes over if something happens to you - like you die. Otherwise, it's yours to handle.

So look into getting a geriatric care manager (GCM) to act as a secondary when you're not available. Meet a couple of them and get them on board with your mom's needs and if you're not available (or want to take a vacation), the GCM takes over. They're not free, but they are professional (often former nurses). They can make sure mom is getting the care she needs when you need a break.

Your sister isn't going to step up, so just quit giving her info. I did that with my brother. I was knocking myself out to make sure my brother knew everything that went on with our mom. I finally realized he didn't really care. Once I stopped doing that, my life got much easier. He didn't fight me like your sister does, but it was still a lot of work for me for nothing. Now I make all of the decisions and don't ask for his input. We're both happy.
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how can it be early onset at 83? I am crazy.
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Thanks and your advice is very true and to the bone, but honestly, not practical in my situation most of the time. Mom has early onset dementia and as I said in my long horrible diatribe, she will not do anythng because she does not want to hurt one of her kids because somehow the two of them see this as a popularity contest, not what it is which, while an honor, also a grave responsibility and burden. A serious burden.

The second the attorney said I was primary, my sister puffed up and I said, then and there, are you ok with this. I knew she would not be but it is not ok to be joint and I don't think you can have joint for a DPOA can you? You must appoint primary and secondary? That is how we were led to understand it. It would not work any other way, but we all know that huh?

My mom is blind and hearing impaired to the point you want to jump off an airplane wing along with the dementia. I would like someone else to be able to step up because I do want to be able to go on vacations or wherever and no worry the entire time that no one will take care of her. My sister just refuses and it is not just shirking, it is purposefully refusing, to the tune of "You wanted it, you got it" and I do not understand that at all. I have told her, Mom told her and the Attorneys even called her and told her, it was their recommendation. I had NOTHING to do with it, end of story. But if your 83 year old mom calls you and says she cannot breathe will you help and you blow her off, you have no business being anyone's caregiver or decision maker period. She needs to go, sorry.
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If your mom is still mentally competent she can change her poa any time she wants. What does she say? I assume you would like to name someone else as a secondary in place of your sister? Just be glad she was named as a secondary and is not required to make decisions jointly, that would truly be a nightmare! As for it being her "duty" to take care of mom, you must be aware that simply naming someone on a poa does not necessarily make them willing or capable of accomplishing the task.
It seems that it would be better for you to act as if you were an only child and make plans accordingly. Who knows, perhaps you and your sister would get along better if you stopped expecting her to step up and do what she obviously has no intention of doing. If your mom has a new poa drawn up sis can go back to her selfish? ways and you can continue to get on with it without her interference.
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I would like to add that mom is blind, both eyes, hard of hearing and has serious health issues. She rejects assisted living and has a certain degree of dementia. I pay all the bills, and oversee her entire life. And, she has had a hard time with that but also knows she can no longer do it. I have her on a waiting list for an assisted living facility and she knows this, and I have told her that when it comes up, we have to talk about it. To NOT be on a list is not an option. At her age and with her health, and no one willing to help me at all and my health, we have to be realistic. The VA pension will allow her to remain private pay, which is a big concern to her. Thx again for reading.
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