Is having DPOA for a stubborn and complacent mother worth the aggravation or should I concede to the alternate? - AgingCare.com

Is having DPOA for a stubborn and complacent mother worth the aggravation or should I concede to the alternate?

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If she becomes incompetent I would have to make choices for her that she has expressed she does not want. I am not so sure I could handle the guilt about going against her wishes.

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Labs, you do know that you cannot be forced to do any hands on care for your mother or to have her in your home, right? One idea mentioned on his forum is when she needs to go the emergency room, you refuse to take her home. It is an unsafe placement since your medical problems prevent you from doing any care and her home is not safe because of health hazards. The hospital social workers then find her a placement. An option is for her to become a ward of the state. Love her, but stand clear - no way can you or any non-professional fix the mess.
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Jennie has got it right. Do't take on the responsibility of Mom's house. You can't afford it and it will have to be sold when she applies for Medicare. can you apply for some subsidized housing for yourself. A studio apartment would be ideal. Not much housework and no room for Mom.
never mind what she has destroyed in your apartment or her home. There ate services that will come and just clean everything out so no effort on your part.
Definitely call in APS and tell them she is a danger to herself and others by her behavior. it is not healthy for either of you to live in a urine filled home nd her house is probably infested with all sorts of nasty pests. Fleas, cockroaches, mice, rats, bats. Is it even safe to live in? Is the plumbing free of lead pipes? does the house still have knob and tube wiring.
You are physically incapable of taking care of another adult so have your Dr certify to that effect.
There will be a way out so try not to stress about it and start aking phone calls in the morning.
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Jackie, you absolutely have to get out from under this situation. Do you have a caseworker for your own disabilities? If so, that is the person I would first contact for advice.

If not, start by getting a needs assessment for your mother. Either call her county Human Services Department or the Area Agency on Aging to set one up. When they come and determine what she needs, make it abundantly clear that you cannot provide her care, or a place for her to live.

Yes, you love your mother. You can continue to love her while she is getting professional help.
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I have no POA but have had my Mother , whom had a heartattack and didnt even know it since the day she was released from the hospital. I watched my Daddy who was my world go through small vessel disease and the last stroke he had he lost the ability to speak. Never the less I was always there for them, they were divorced for many years and my mother still speaks ill of him. He died in my arms and I do NOT wish for the same to happen with my Mother. she is in the early stages of Dimentia, Iv'e seen it happen before, but she is a cruel and evil woman who refuses to take care of herself. I don't know how to get power of attorney over her she is ruining my life and hers. She has destroyed her social security by forgetting to send them things, She forgot to re certify for her food stamps so i have been using my bill money to feed this woman who eats more than any man I have ever seen. I'm lost and in tears. I love her but I get no help from my sister she wants nothing to do with her, I cant afford a lawyer and she cant go back to her own house [ if you've ever seen hordes you can understand]. I myself am disabled, I have had 17 back surgeries and I will never get better I have severs nerve damage, no lower lumbar disks and constant pain, but she wants me to wait on her hand and foot, feed her, wash her clothes do this , do that. and all she does is waste the little bit of money she gets. can someone please point me in the right direction. And she wants to put the deed in my name but who has $250 for that, me again always me. Forgot to mention she urinates all over the bed so I bought her Always panties for $20, she wont wear them, she's destroying my landlords carpet and my dead fathers bed is now garbage which was brand new. HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!
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I doubt there is a caring person here who has not felt guilt. It's normal. This job, especially any kind of POA, is not for the faint of heart. It's a tough job no matter what capacity you are in.
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I agree with joannes wholeheartedly. I am in the same position only now it is just dealing with my Mom who has moderate dementia, though sometimes it seems much worse. My mother and father always stressed that they NEVER wanted to be placed into a nursing home and I guaranteed them that I would never do that to them. Two months ago my mother was hospitalized and a doctor took me aside and told me that I had to put her into a nursing home, she was too much for me to handle on my own.

So how do you handle that when you have guaranteed someone you never would do it? None of us have crystal balls and we do not know what the future holds, we honestly cannot "guarantee anyone anything," we would like to, but the truth of the matter is that health situations can change in a moment and we may have to do things we never thought we could. I did not have to place my Mom into a NH because we found medication that turned everything around for us, but honestly I was at my wits end, I was frazzled, exhausted, stressed and depressed and had we not found medication to help, I was ready to put her into a facility that could take care of her, just so I could keep my sanity. That may sound harsh but I am a single mother with a 21 year old child who became very depressed over the stress in our household caused by taking care of Mom and although my mother needs me, my daughter needs me as well.

Down the road you will most assuredly have disagreements over how you handle her affairs, although they know they are having memory problems, they do not believe it is "that bad" and they do believe, "they can take care of themselves," even though you know beyond a shadow of a doubt that they cannot. They make unwise decisions, they are sitting ducks for corrupt people to take advantage of and some family members. There will be arguments although you have to be strong and unfortunately treat them with respect but do what NEEDS TO BE DONE, NO MATTER WHAT THEY SAY. You become the adult and they revert to being a child.

Your mother evidently trusts you and that is why she gave you POA, she trusts your judgement. If you give it up, you will have nothing to complain about or say about what the next POA decides.... can you live with that? Will the next person in line accept the POA? In my cousins family no one wanted it..... will that happen in your family? You will still hear your Mom complain and fuss and carry on, that isn't going to stop unless you move and refuse to give anyone your number, so you will still have some aggravation. Read what joannes wrote and read it again before you make your decision. If you really just do not care and do not want the headache then pass it up, but if you feel that you are the best person to make the decisions for your Mom then take it. If you are worried about telling some to eventually pull the plug on Mom or do not put in a feeding tube or do not resuscitate her, don't worry, by the time you reach that point you will most likely feel that "Mom has led a good life and it is time to let her go." All that is written in her Health Care Directive that her doctors and hospital should already have on file. You are here to just take care/assist them until they pass.

Good Luck and Best Wishes as you make this decision, I know it is difficult for you to make.
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If you do not get a Durable POA (consider Health and Financial), then who do you suppose will make decisions in the event of incapacitation,

An advance Health care directive can deal with some medical treatments, etc., You might be in a Medicaid situation by then
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Don't give up the DPOA. I did and look what happened.
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Do the DPOA and do what is right for you to ensure mom is safe and cared for. Get drs to declare in writing that she is incompetent to make her own medical, living and financial decisions first so it can't be challenged by mom or family. Then find care for mom whatever works for you and do it with no regrets. Believe me, doing it their way never works out in the long run and is more trouble for you --emotionally and time wise.
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Debra - this may sound like a silly thing to say but I see from your avatar that you have a dog. Maybe you have a child. Well, for animals & children, we have to make decisions all the time, don't we? We may even find it necessary to choose a health procedure that may cause them pain. We don't hold a POA for them, but being their representative is implied. In our hearts, wouldn't we have hoped that we could never cause them pain or that we would always do what we thought they wanted? Sure. How much guilt would you feel if you had to choose a surgery for your dog with a known painful recovery, but you choose it to save them and protect them? I would hope that you might feel bad you had to do it but you wouldn't carry any guilt about the choice. The only difference between that scenario and your mom is that you have this document and you know her wishes. I believe that you or anyone else exercising a POA, and most especially when the patient is experiencing any form of impairment and decision making, would logically be required to consider any wishes of the patient within the reasonable light of the condition involved. You have sisters you can consult so that the three of you can hopefully be in agreement. The faraway sister is probably not the appropriate POA agent, and the near sister isn't who your mom wanted fair or not. When dealing with elders, we can be dealing with confusion, impairment, and irrationality that doesn't even rise to the level of incompetence. Yet what they want makes no sense for themselves or for their caregivers. You indicate that you might become an emotional mess when having to confront your mom about doing something she doesn't want. I'm going to suggest that you google "compassionate lying" and read about what we all eventually have to do when dealing with a compromised elder.

Please keep posting.
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