What to do with power hungry brother who is guardian of Mom and will not let us take care of her? - AgingCare.com

What to do with power hungry brother who is guardian of Mom and will not let us take care of her?

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My brother has control of my mother. My sister and I have guardian of her assets,bills,care of house,Taxes,legal bills, room and board. Her house is 10-11 hours from my house. My brother decided my mother was too much for him after 3 month. My sister and I begged my brother not to put her in a nursing home, give her to us, but he said no and he is her guardian, so he can do what he wants. We were the only ones responsible to sign the contract because we are guardian of the money spent. We are not allowed to take her out for anything. We can only see her at the home. We go a couple times every week for about 3-4 hours. We try to stimulate her make her walk read and sing with us etc. He will visit 1-2 times a month for 10-15 minutes. We are now in a law suit to take guardian away from him. What money, my mother has is being spent on legal fees. He will not give us mom. He is being vindictive and my mother is paying the price.he has now taken the SSN that we used to pay her R&B,house bills,legal, clothing, depends, and his lawyer has ordered us to show all of our accounts investment,mortgage, etc.even my children & husband & also my mothers. He said this is only the beginning.he will make our lives hell for challenging him. I now have to put security on the outside of my house. My mother is losing hope of us getting her out and she has become complacent. She has fallen twice. Now she has no spirit, they have broken her. All she said is "what ever" or " I do not care." I have told her we are fighting to get her out and she said when and how soon, then she wants to leave now. And I have to tell her we are waiting on the judge. I do not know if we will win. My poor mother is suffering because of family dispute. My brother refuses to give up his power. I cannot believe he really cares about her or he would not do this. This legal fight had completely broken up our family.
If I ask him about my mother's health, he is threating me with a restraining order so I cannot ask about my mother. My lawyer thinks that this is a power struggle with him. I am 59, my sister is 57, and he is only 48 and his wife is even younger.

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Don't be bullied by your brother. If he asks you to do something check with your lawyer on how you should respond to him. And don't sign anything he (brother) asks you to.
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I agree with Standing Alone.. You are wanting to take on a great responsibility.. The financial responsibility is immense.. If you need to work outside of the home then you will have to pay someone to stay with Mom 24/7..

Leave her be and visit her often she is being taken care of and all her needs are being met..
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Your brother shot himself in the foot. If you two are so hell bent on taking mom on, I personally would have let you. You should direct your sister here and you should read, read, read about all that's involved in taking care of an alz patient. You DO realize that soon enough your mom won't be able to go anywhere, right? Or do anything? There will be no outings. There will be no walks. There will be nothing but 4 walls 24/7 for the caretaker and the patient. There is nothing, absolutely nothing, that any doctor in the world can do to STOP the progression of alz. Sure, it can be slowed some, maybe, but it will just keep getting worse and worse and worse no matter what anyone does. If your mom declines enough, and she will, it will be torture for her if you keep pushing her to do things she just CAN'T do anymore. Eventually she won't be able to read, play games, walk, or anything else, no matter how much you and your sister may wish it otherwise. Alz patients get to a point where they can't do anything at all for themselves anymore and before you know it you're dealing with an 83, or whatever, year old toddler. Whoever has her in their home will become housebound with her and it's a 24/7 job. There is no time off, or day off. Taking care of an advanced alz patient will consume your life. It will become your life. And nothing you do at this point in time will turn back the clock.

I understand your pain and I'm really sorry. But honestly, I think you need to seriously research all that goes into taking care of an alz patient. Read some of the posts around here and you'll know what to expect. Your mom will NOT get better and I'm sorry to say it. It'll just keep getting a lot worse. You need to mentally prepare yourself for that and know it. If you honestly believe that your mom will somehow get better being in one of your homes, I'm sorry to tell you that you're mistaken. By all means take her in if you're determined. Anyone would prefer being home with family to a NH. But understand, too, what you're going to be facing in the future and get ready for all the changes. There will be many.

Best of luck!
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My brother wanted to be involved, so we let him be guardian over my mom. I am the most solvent in the family. We are financially sound with an credit rating around 800. So I became guardian of the estate. They did not want 2 for guardian of ward, so my sister became co-guardian. We never though my brother would betray us like this. It started in AR, where my mom and dad retired. Arkansas legal system is completely corrupt. It was finally just moved to IL in December. I now hope we can have an honest trial. The venue is in will county. My lawyer does many counties in IL. By the time we go before a judge, my mother would have been in a nursing home for about 5 months. My brother has forbidden me to have her Medical records and they are not allowed to talk to us about my mother or let us take her out for lunch or anything. My atty told me not to pay the nursing home, since we did not sign the contract and my brother has to pay out of his own pocket. This facility is expensive and private. It does not take Medicaid. Not state regulated. Next month we go before the judge.they will have my mother evaluated. But even if my mother has dementia, my sister still wants to have a chance to take of her. My brother is demanding what we will do with her. She will provided the judge and my brother demands what she has planned for the day, we want my mother to get Ocutherapy, we will also take her out for rides in the car, go to park dist. Senior center to socialize and play games, play her old movies, old music like Mario Lanza, john philip Sousa, niel diamond, and dance and sing with her, get medical cat scan on her brain and find out what we can do and if possible like biofeedback. Get her to read out loud to help her speak. She is trying so hard not to get worse. Walk the mall. Walking is good for the brain, it stimulate bood in the brain. My mother has long term care, only 100,000.00 is left. The nursing home will use it up in less than 2 years and then my brother will dump her in a state Medicaid home when the money rounds out. He does not understand that Medicaid will not pay if the money is used unwisely. It will come out of our pockets. My mother craves loves, hugs,messages, kisses, attention, calm household, I will help with respite, and she goes on vacations. My mother got dementia from hypothyroidism , she went 10 years before she was diagnosis. She has no memory from those 10 years. My father did not have her dementia diagnose until she was almost 80 years old. So, she had no medication to slow it down. My father died suddenly and that is when we found out about my mother. Last 2 years he kept making excuses for not comming back to ILLINOIS. Kept promises to come, but never did. He kept it from us.
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Why was your brother granted guardianship by a court over your mother and not your or your sister?
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Oh, and to add, laws are different from state to state. Someone recommended a site called AVVO. I have used the on 3 occasions with fantastic results! You can find an Elder Law attorney who gets high ratings and are close to you. You can ask a general question about dual guardianship etc..... and a lawyer will give you an answer.
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I think you need an Elder law attorney ASAP. There are many issues here that only a lawyer can sort out. The issue of split guardianship is complicated.You being financial POA, would represent your mother in her behalf. It is imperative an evaluation be done to diagnose if she is incompetant. You have the "power/ authority" to have the primary doctor treating her to request the evaluation, even if she has to be transported for the evaluation. Get on good rapport with docs and staff. . The nursing home obviously won't care who pays as long as they get their money. There are many issues here and you need correct advice. They have admitted to you they are uncertain about split guardianship.... that is a red flag!
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I can tell you right now that if he is the guardian, it is his responsibility to find here safe accommodation, which he has. As POA you MUST pay those bills, and if this goes to court, neither one of you will be the guardian, the Judge will appoint an impartial third party, usually an attorney. Judges are really good at reading into whether this is about money or care. Your refusal to pay for her care will be interpreted as hoarding assets. Judges don't like that.
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Right now my brother is paying for the nursing home. That is why he took over the SSN to help pay for it. I went to the SSN office and they said they do not care who is guardian of assets and have to pay her bills. They said the money go to my mother and who ever has her has her SSN. They do not know how to handle a split guardianship.
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Who is paying for the nursing home bill?
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