Potential solution to bathroom dilemma and being able to be out of the house longer?

I remember your situation and am truly saddened you’re still allowing this to so completely control your life. The person in need of care should never so thoroughly call the shots but be grateful instead of demanding for how things may be done. Yes, adult incontinence products are quite useful, your first step isn’t asking mom to agree but telling her it’s required for you to accomplish both needed errands and getting some very needed breaks into the outside world. Please don’t make this another area she gets to have her way. Put her in a brief, go about your day, and know she will be fine for at least 3-4 hours. They can be put on like underwear and have tear off sides for easy removal. No lifting required. I truly wish you courage to change not only incontinence products but much about your life

Basta!! Enough! Look, I had a very enmeshed relationship with my mother, but I also realized that after she passed away, I would have to be financially stable and support myself. Step 1. Please find and make an appointment with a geriatric psychiatrist. Your mother urgently needs to be seen and medicated. Also book a therapy session for yourself. You need to find out why you're being so hesitant about seeking a real-world occupation.
Step 2. If the psychiatrist can possibly do so, see if your mother could be diagnosed to have rehabilitation in a facility. Yes, this may take a while. Tour mom's psychiatric disorders need to ameliorate to the point where she can be out, but meds are amazing and once after rehab, perhaps she can receive home care for several hours a day for several weeks. This will be more than enough time to get your resume together and focus on a job hunt. Step 3. Find whatever job will have you. It doesn't matter if it's a CEO or cleaning bottles in a beverage distribution outlet. You want some incoming money and experience at working.

As for adult diapers, etc. Yes, they need to be changed frequently, but nothing will happen if she needs a change and you're out for an hour or two. Just make sure she is well cleaned and protective ointments/creams are always applied.

You can learn to turn her in bed in order to change her. Believe me, if a 68 year old woman can do it, a 33 year old man can certainly do this. Watch videos or if necessary hire an aide for a few weeks (yes, dip into the inheritance).

Her schedule, while lovely in theory, doesn't have to stuck to with military prescision. She's not an infant needing multiple feeds. If you're going to be gone two to three hours, she will certainly survive. Leave her beverages and maybe a small snack. It's not as if you're going on the trail with the Donner party.

Sorry to sound harsh, but you're the only person who can initiate and maintain change. It's tough, but you have to do it.

Professional aides get background checks. Nobody is going to steal anything from a bedridden elderly woman, who probably has nothing worth stealing.

You buy some assorted incontinence products (with her money) and bring them home, "So we can try them out." It's the modern way! (goes to show you are not a medical expert by such a critical change to your workload that was so obvious). There could be many other cool things available you have no idea exist!

Get the ball rolling, and be ever so happy at finding new ways to ease the daily hassle (and your back). Make her clearly understand it will save your back and your overall workload. Tell her you know she would agree and cooperate if she loves you, right? You are so excited to try this out! Guilt her the same as she does you!

What the concern here is that Mom is not safe alone at home. What if there is a fire? How does she get out? She may worry herself. You get her into disposables first. Remove her underwear and have nothing else handy. That's when the next step comes....

Others have mentioned the concept of RESPITE. Meaning Mom gets to visit a new place a few days, so you can get a break. She gets to have a team of professionals take care of her, while you are gone. She gets to talk to and meet other people, be in a different bed, gets to eat something else, and get out of her prison, just like you will. This is a huge step, of course!

Get her through the "new underwear" (don't dare call them "diapers") change, and I bet she likes it.

Buy her a new nightgown to wear on her "getaway" to respite. Make it like a damn vacation, be happy, enthusiastic, excited for her "weekend getaway" and just make it 3 days. Tell her she deserves a change of scenery, you wanted to do this for her a long time. You want her to be safe, cared for and fawned over by a professional team! To get a break from being bed bound and never going anywhere interesting, staring at the walls all day.

Don't ask her, tell her you have made all arrangements. It will be a treat she deserves. No worries! You need to take the car to the shop, check in with some pals, have some beers and shoot some pool. Not half as awesome as her "Vacation Getaway" you have planned.

Like the others have said, she should have been using disposables years ago. You are loosing years you will never get back. What if you got sick, or in an accident? WHO would take care of her then? A NURSING FACILITY. Not the horrible asylums of the past, but a luxurious retreat with full services. Don't let that game get past you! Have some color brochures handy to pull out.

You've sacrificed too many years already. You won't get that time back, either. Don't even consider asking a friend to change your Mom's pants and clean her up. You hire a professional aide for that. Unless you don't want any friends anymore. You are so used to being a babysitter of a helpless infant, you aren't even thinking how wrong it is for you to be her care slave. You may want to consider some serious counseling for your co-dependency of your Mother. Your life will be over before you know it, and as you age you won't be able to pick Mom up anymore. Start planning ahead to get her familiar with professional care. If something happens to you, it will be twice as hard for her, but is HER ONLY OPTION.
Stand your ground. What is she going to do? Try to out wrestle you to run away? Flip out, scream, go berserk? Call 911. Let her try a hospital on for size a week.

These comments intrigued me so I looked back at some of your posts, BlickBob. You're 33 years old and you're voluntarily choosing to be a slave to your mother's bladder! Why, why, why? Seriously, why? Why are you doing that to yourself?

And why do you enjoy seeing your mother tortured by her fears and anxieties, and isolated with no one but you? Does it give you a sense of power? Why don't you have her on medications so that she is not so fearful, and in assisted living where she can have some company and socialization (which she will accept once her fears are under control)?

I am continually sadly surprised by the situations on this board, that's for sure!

You are in a very sick relationship with your mother.

My LOs used Tena Overnights and thought they were very comfortable and held the liquid in really well. IDK about BMs, as I agree no one should be sitting in that for long without consequences. They make adult disposables that have sticky tabs, just like baby diapers. One would need to roll her to clean her up and put a fresh one on. The Tenas where pull-up style. Then you have the possible challenge of her acceptance. She may not like the thought of it, especially BMs. My 95-yr old Mom, still mobile, wears disposable briefs during the day and Tenas at night but would rather die than have a BM in one. Why don't you look into temporary respite at a local, reputable facility? She doesn't need to like it. The point is *you need it*. Caregiving has to happen on the caregiver's terms or you will surely burn out as her needs increase. My MIL was in LTC for 7 years at a humble, affordable, faith-based facility that gave her excellent care and had all types of activities and events and a wonderful staff -- on Medicaid in a private room. A beautiful place on a large suburban lake. If this place exists here, perhaps there is one in proximity to you. Would my MIL still have preferred to be in our home with us orbiting around her and having no life? I'm sure she would have. But that was never a possibility. Even my own 95-yr old Mom lives next door to us knows that the minute she isn't safe in that house or her care overwhelms me, she will be transitioned to that same facility because I know she'll get excellent care and it's only 3 miles from my house. Please friends don't want to change other people's poopy briefs and clean them up. I'd rather have a total stranger do it. Consider hiring through an agency where there is at least accountability if anything goes missing. You take a video with your phone of what's in your house. You store away all small valuables and sensitive paperwork into a small, portable safe, You make sure there are no desireable opioid meds in the bathroom or bedroom. Join Nextdoor.com, which is an intranet of your actual non-anonymous neighbors and nearby communities. Post a "Recommendations wanted" for either a respite resource or an aid agency. You'll get lots of fresh "reviews" from people who have actually used the agencies or services. I use ND all the time. Please make yourself a priority. Your Mom is an adult and you haven't mentioned if she has dementia, and if not she can adjust to change. As a parent of 3 grown sons, I wouldn't want any of them doing to me what you are doing for your Mom, and I certainly wouldn't want them to sacrifice having their own life, love, family, and adventures because of my care needs. If your Mom seems fine with sacrificing you in this way, I think you need to step away and take a very close look at the situation. This weekend I learned about a resource called CODA. It is a 12-step support program for people in co-dependent relationships. Respectfully, I think you see yourself as being devoted when in actuality I see you are maybe being dysfunctional. You can do a browser search for local Zoom or in-person meetings. May you receive a fresh perspective, wisdom and peace in your heart as you work out what is appropriate care for your Mom.

In this instance, it would not matter what Mom wanted, she would be in Depends. The overnights even better.

Don't give Mom anything to drink an hour before your leaving, especially tea, coffee or soda. Potty her right before you go. Depends do rip down the sides for easy off. There is a way to put on without taking her slacks off. If she is incontinent, she would be in Depends all the time if it were me.

Asking a friend to help? I will do a lot for a friend but changing them or a parent is out of my purview. Especially, if a #2.

Blickbob finally admitted below that the reason he keeps his mother isolated at home without treatment for her fear and anxiety is because he wants the money for his inheritance rather than spending it on her care, even though he is 33 years old with decades to work and save on his own. "One reason why she isn't in the NH is because if she was there at the same time as my grandmother, it would cost me my inheritance in the long run."

Blickbob, if you put half as much effort into figuring out your own life instead of perpetuating this crazy scheme to obey and mollify your mother, you might be head of your own corporation by now. You have thinking skills. But you’re mixed up about how to attain goals that would be reasonable for you. Inheriting her money does what for you? Keeps you from having a meaningful career where you learn your capabilities and are eventually able to have a life with useful accomplishments? Have a family who loves you? Be able to look back and be proud of yourself for what you have achieved in your time on earth? Instead you are all wrapped up in how to toilet an elderly woman and enduring her constant nattering and nitpicking.

Please tell us what the inheritance will do for you? That you couldn’t do for yourself if you didn’t have mom weighing you down?

Do at least day trips WITHOUT your mother . Then hopefully progress to a long weekend , and eventually a week vacation .

Buy some incontinence products. Whoever you get to care for your mother should be paid using mother’s funds. I recommend it be a professional , not a friend . You can have a family friend pop in daily to make Mom feel that at least someone is looking out for her .
You could also install a camera . Mom may lie about what is really going on .
Do not give in about any paranoia she has about a camera either .

TELL mother you need a break , and stand your ground . You do not need her permission to take a vacation either . Mom acts like a toddler and will try to manipulate you .