Does anyone else have experience with the potential of relapse due to the stress of caregiving?

Dear Shellybeau,

You are an amazing daughter for taking on as much as you have. I know you love your parents and want to help them with all your heart. But it sounds like it is taking a toll on you. I know its hard as a dutiful and responsible person to say "I've had enough. Or I need a break. Or we need to look at other options." But It is a must.

For myself, I let the anger and resentment take over my good judgement. I failed to care for my dad properly in the last year of his life. I deeply regret this. Your sobriety has to be a priority. You've worked too hard to relapse now.

Please consider talking to a social worker, getting counselling or joining a support group. There has to be some resources that can help you get away at least once a week so you can do some self care. It is important to have this balance.

Huge hugs to you Shellybeau.

I'm not going to say a word about your being drawn back to using because I'm keenly aware that I can't possibly tell you anything you don't already know. Are you in touch with the obvious support organisations?

But the excessive sleep AND the lower back pain are classic signs of acute depression. I have two suggestions:

1. Get advice from your doctor.
2. Appeal to your mother to allow respite caregivers because YOU need them, even if she doesn't. Whatever she thinks about their being surplus to requirements, she must understand that it is impossible for you to relax if there is not a responsible adult in the house as your deputy when you are having downtime. This is a small (for her) expense that will make a large difference to your wellbeing.

Further thoughts: you are in the middle of a seriously rough patch in your life. You mention elsewhere that you've been through divorce, you've had to leave your own home unattended, your mother and stepdad are changing from the people they were, you have financial stresses too. It's a big load to carry. Be fair when it comes to what you expect of yourself. Hugs again.

shellybeau, you have a lot of your plate, so don't get a bigger plate, you need to take off some of the things. My parents were the same way about not wanting to pay for strangers to come into their home to help, especially my mother. Oh goodness no.

By chance do you have any income coming in? Are your parents paying you for your help? Bet they aren't. Time to look for outside employment, find something that makes you happy even if the pay isn't great, it's a good escape from home. If your parents balk at that, sorry but you need money to survive on and for YOUR old age. Then maybe your parents might realize they really do need help, or not. Plus moving in with your parents the adult/child dynamics start over again... you are once again the "kid" and what do you know???.... [sigh].

Even if you can't find employment at the moment, do volunteer work which will help you keep up with your skills. It's a feel-good type of job :)

My gosh I can't imagine the stress you are going through regarding the current President and Congress, how they want to make major changes to the health care. I am spitting nails regarding the chance that maybe Medicaid will be cut short for seniors. Not enough is being talk about that segment of the population that needs such funds.

Be strong, take a walk each day to help clear your head. Depending on where you live, you might find a neighbor who walks and you both can walk together :)

Thanks for your responses and suggestions. My parents pay me $1,500 a month so I can pay my mortgage and other bills. My husband that ran to Colorado ended up coming home. Regardless of all that has happened I consider him a best friend. I believe he did the best he could under very difficult circumstances. However I don't want to depend on him again . He is staying at my house and taking care of the yard etc. He improperly filed for divorce and as a result we are technically still married. I guess it doesn't really matter but I would love my last name back and the ensuing freedom that comes from not being responsible to a husband. He often cooked for my parents and is on call to help me pick up my step dad when he falls. To be honest I cannot even wrap my mind around volunteering for someone while my parents are in this condition. My biggest stress today is completing taxes from last year.

I guess this should be in another section but I claimed myself as self-employed and hadn't paid taxes during the year of 2016. So now I owe $3,000 and have to pay $500 for H&R Block to fill out the form and process. That is another big stressor in my life because I haven't addressed the situation by taking taxes out this year or having my mom give me a 1099. So confusing.

Well first of all your worth more than $1500. How's $4500 sound? If they both had to go into assisted living it would be twice that. I agree with freqflyer. Get a job. Use their money to have someone check on them. You have to start steering that boat in a different direction.our minds, and emotions get involved and the quilt is crippling. I know you care, and I will send a prayer your way. Take a walk, it always helps and invision how you can make this work. Maybe run it like a business. Caregivers while you work, and start out one night for yourself

If you get paid for caregiving services, I hope you are using a tax service because you need to file employer taxes. Caregiving is no piece of cake and it only gets worse as time goes by. 24 hours a day, seven days a week you have to wait on the person hand and foot. I don't mind taking care of my 88 year old mom--I love her very much--but with end stage Alzheimer's but she can get very difficult refusing to get up from the chair just to get her teeth brushed and change her diaper. I have to almost break my back getting her up. I mean a person can't sit all day and everything I do for her is a struggle. I love my mom more than life itself but this also makes me suffer considerably. Oh and I don't make any money so Obamacare is draining my savings. I pay $600 a month with $7,000 deductible because I am not eligible for anything. In 2018 it's going up even more and I don't even plan on having health insurance because I'm throwing good money away now and it's too much money to even see a doctor.  I struggle with depression because caregiving is extremely stressful, and every single day I worry so much about her falling.  Since I walk her everyday in the park knock on wood she very rarely falls but that gives you an idea the extreme hard work I have to put in everyday with no help.  I can't even see a doctor despite having health insurance--I have to pay the full price for the "deductible" which is a joke.  But can a quack do for me? NOTHING. Prescribe me pills..I can't stand pills and any kind of psychotropic will give me very bad side effects so I suffer in silence.  SO doctors can just shove it.

My heart goes out to you, I too am in an AA program and trying back and forth to the UK to help my ailing mother 88. It has become a nighmare with her accusing me of stealing all kinds of things and she drinks a bottle of gin every other day. I clean, cook, do laundry,shop, clean windows and carpets while my two sisters. Who live 2 miles away barely even see her. When I found out on this trip she has excluded me from her will, written in my own sisters handwriting, Im deciding to call it quits. My sobriety is my top priority and keeping my mental health not to mention the expense of going back and forth and using up my vacation time. It is a nighmare but I have to take care of me!! Good Luck and God Bless.

Shelly,

I am a recovering alcoholic and I cared for my dad in my home for years. Like you, I ended up isolating myself from my sober friends and my meetings. I'd hit a meeting here and there but not on a regular basis. I was afraid to leave my dad home alone. Had I suggested I hire someone to sit in with him while I was gone he would have had a fit.

As you already know addiction is a disease and like other diseases it requires treatment if we are to stay healthy but caregivers neglect themselves all the time regardless of what illnesses they have. If you can't get someone to come in to stay with your folks while you get to a meeting or your Dr.'s appointments then you'll just have to leave them alone. You can't sacrifice yourself or your own health for them or for anyone. Who's going to take care of them if you're sick in the hospital? Who's going to care for them while you're drunk or high?

Take care of yourself first. You've probably heard this in the recovering community but when flight attendants and rescue workers are tending to trauma victims the flight attendants and rescue workers put the oxygen masks on first so that they can then help the victims. If they pass out there won't be anyone to help the sick and injured. Taking care of yourself while caregiving is like putting on your oxygen mask first so you can then be able to care for your parents.

I'm going to throw out one of our sayings in recovery: First things first. Get yourself healthy and get your head in a better place. Then you can be an effective caregiver.

Hi Shelley

I took care of my mom with Alzheimer's for many years long distance and she lived in my home for 2 years. You said " I had no idea what I was getting myself into" , I think most of us can relate to that. Caregiving is hard. That doesn't mean this has to be your life. Sounds like you have caregiver burnout.

You stated mom is well off financially, well that was a eye opener for me. My mom is not well off financially and that is why I made the decisions I did. If she was well off, I would have done things differently. Elders can be very stubborn and just because she doesn't want to spend her money on caregivers - doesn't mean you have to shoulder the burden entirely.

Maybe you need a mediator - someone who can talk to mom. Hire a geriatric care manager that can show you and your family what resources are out there. If you are not taking care of yourself and you get sick, you won't be taking care of your parents.

Make a plan, get some guidance; think about how long you want to do this. Sounds like you need to take your life back, mom will just have to adjust. You can still be involved in your parents life, but it doesn't have to be all consuming.

I agree with Ihave1now -- you deserve a lot more than $1500/month! So if your mom is well-off, who is in line for the inheritance? Will stepfather get it, then his kids from a prior marriage (are there any?). Or do you have to share with your sibs, who are not helping?

Your mother and stepfather owe you bigtime.

Yes - - - but mine is 'stress eating' - 40 lbs worth :(

Let me explain - I am caregiver for my 95 year old hubby (96 in September!) and the stress-eating comes mostly from frustration.  Not knowing what to do in a situation and not knowing what I am dealing with.  Through forums like this and a lot of research, I finally realized we were dealing with Candida Overgrowth - - I still have no idea why this was never diagnosed; it would have saved a lot of grief and aggravation.

Anyway, my relapse was Cookies & Cream Ice Cream.  *sigh*

I have 40 years of sobriety. I have been Mother's 24 x 7 caretaker since Jan. of 2015 at a rogue Senior Facility until January of this year when my son and I prevailed getting her and myself out a very horrible situation. My cousin, brother and sister-in-law were on the side of the facility.    I was drug through the mud.  I got advice on Aging Care and tried everything that was being suggested. It is with their advice, prayer and God's got help that we got her out of the facility alive. Mother is relocated to a very nice facility and I am now her roommate/caregiver 24 x 7. Mother is improving and she has not lost her eye site though well on her way to losing it from the former facility being negligent and arrogant in giving her meds, esp eye drops. I am Mother's full time caregiver here. There is nothing like taking care of your LO through thick and thin. I joined the choir at my Church and singing praises to the Lord with my brothers and sisters in the Lord that brought me back to the realization that Jesus Loves me.  A lot started changing for the better.  If you continue on your path you could be setting yourself up for a relapse.  Keep corresponding with Aging Care, try meetings on line, talk to a counselor. Don't stop seeking and trying to get the situation in order. Leaving your Mother and Dad might not be the best alternative. Here at a heavenly facility they still have shift workers. They are good but residents still fall. Mother is going to be 100 in October. A fall could put her into a downward spiral and she could die before her time. Like wise with different Nurses on duty to administer meds it is easy for them to give her a critical med at the wrong time, that could cause blood pressure to spike or they can be new and give her eyedrops at night that flush each other out if given to close together.  Don't think placing your parents in a facility is the answer. Their is nothing like a LO wether at home or in a facility with them.  You urge to drink or use might get stronger if you have regrets. You can overcome this. First get yourself a support group. You have one here on Aging Care. When I was really tense, I took up candycrush and -multi -tasked watching TV  at the same time to feel no pain.  Prioritize what you are trying to get done. Once your folks are being cared for to your satisfaction and if by you, that can only happen if you are in a positive state of mind to carry on such work, clean and sober without mental relapse. When I stated in the Choir and attending Church regularly, that motivated my son to be there Tuesdays nights for practice and Sundays Mornings for me to go to Church. I give him a little money. Mother loves attention from him.   He stops over almost every day and there are times we bring Mother to the house when the great great grandchildren come over.  Start a campaign with other family members to get them motivated.  Send them pictures. Have your parents draw pictures or write them if you can, be creative.  A little relief has gone a long way for me. It is not out of reach financially especially for you caring for them at home. .  A full time Nurses Aid as a caregiver at a nice facility is out of reach for Mother.  She had an insurance policy that she lost when the insurance company went bankrupt. Our arrangement is very nice. If your family realized how much it would cost to have your mom and dad at a nice facility where you said they would probably be separated,  they would not be free from falls unless they had round-the-clock care (at $20 to $25.00 an hour for a Nurses Aid or over $200,000 per year each plus $3,500 to $5,000 each per month for anything above Independent Living) they might wake up and appreciate you more. That is what happened with my brother. He came around as far as my being with Mother 24 x 7 . There are other issues but Mother's surviving her ordeal and having a good quality of life was accomplished. Blessings. We will keep you in our prayers.

Shelly,
We have very similar circumstances on a lot of points however you have two people, I have one. Mom is 81 with dementia. It's all me because brothers are worthless, you are lucky to still have a relationship with your brother! But.......big but.....I have never struggled with Alcohol or drugs, growing up with my Father being an alcoholic had a huge impact on me. Even though he left Mom when I was only 2, my brothers and I would go to visit. I have way too many stories. I do understand the stress you are under and the urge to "escape" even for a short while but nobody is worth throwing away your sobriety on! You are already sacrificing enough than to essentially toss your life for the sake of theirs. You have already fought that demon, don't go back. I also lost my favorite older brother to a heroine OD. It destroyed so much, my Mother never came back from that one. It just isn't worth it, nobody and nothing is worth it. Your Mom is financially well off you say, so time to get her to start paying! My mother is not wealthy so I am kinda stuck. If she were however, I would tell her I just cannot devote my entire life to this and like it or not, she will pay for caregiving because I am going to lose my darn mind! I know down deep if Mom knew I was at the "jumping off point" she would change her tune. I have told her when I start getting overwhelmed with her that I can sell the house, turn all legal power to one of my worthless brothers, and walk off into the sunset. I CAN do that and she knows it. That usually gets her to snap out of it and quit being difficult, at least for a short while. None of us are truly stuck, I think just knowing there is an alternative is helpful because " if " in your mind, there is no way out, then the "hopeless urges" start coming forward. Do what you have to in order to regain some control in your life and alternatives to being "the prisoner." There is help out there if you seek it. There were lots of great suggestions from other folks who replied to your call for help, start exploring some options, when you have a parent with money, a lot more options are available, it isn't fair you are not only making 1,500.00 a month, you are sacrificing your life, happiness and freedom. Those do not have pricetags!
Please start taking your life back and utilize the help that is out there for you. *Hugs* You can do it!
PS, I also have a very damaged lower back and truly understand how that takes a great toll on you. I have explained to Mom if and when she gets to the point where "lifting her" is involved, I MUST get outside help, if not, I will be so bad I won't be able to move, then how can I even live my life normally let alone help her out!
Gotta draw the boundary lines.

Hugs. Hugs. Hugs.

Please don't let your sense of duty override your self worth.

Yes, these are our parents and to care for them is the right thing to do but at what cost?
They chose to have children, raise us, care for us yes, but I do not believe we owe them our lives. It does not give them the right to abuse us or to twist our love and sense of duty into slavery.

Most parents have no idea what goes into a care givers day. The time, thoughts, research, effort, money....and the fact that we give up our future as well totally escapes them.

I have to put things in writing for mom to "get it". I filled in a weeks worth of time sheets to give her an idea of what I truly do. I showed all the things done for her behind the scenes. I wrote out the things I was giving up (friends, money, vacation time, travel etc) and the effect it was having on my health not to mention that once she moves on my future was looking bleak because we basically put our lives on hold for them and we can't just pick up where we left off. That time is gone forever. I printed out some average costs of other options. My mom thinks I exaggerate so I always print it out off websites etc.

I explained repeatedly, the line between where I'm capable of caring for her and where I'm not. I asked her to help me help her or it would no longer be in my hands.

It opened her eyes to things she was not aware of.

There are things I do out of a daughters duty, things I choose to do, and things that i should be paid for. My mom is limited income so I don't get paid but I live rent free. I enjoy amenities and can have my animals where I could not afford to on my own. So I am compensated.

You would not enslave yourself to anyone else in this way or be abused. Your mom will not have outside help yet under values your contribution to their well being ,running you into the ground. That's abuse.



A child's duty does not mean you owe them your life. You are not required to be a martyr for the cause. You would not commit suicide in the name of your parents, yet you are killing yourself slowly.

Do not allow guilt to erode your self-worth. You are important. You have a right to live a beautiful, happy, healthy life. Your future belongs to you not them. Do not assess your worth by the expectations of others, you will lose.

Am I saying walk away for self-preservation? No. I fear that guilt and regret would poison your continued recovery. But please, please, find balance.

It's OK to say no. It's OK to stand up for your self, to stand your ground. You can only do your best.

When you're tired and depressed it becomes hard to trust your own thoughts and feelings. Please come back here and read or vent or ask.....this site has helped me sooooo much in my times of need. I have found support from total strangers who understand instead of talking to friends, family, who don't have a clue or don't want to have a clue.

From reading your post i will say you are a strong and good person. Loving and generous. You are to be proud of yourself.

Please find your balance.
Hugs. Hugs. Hugs.

Focus on how you felt AFTER you used. Not too happy with yourself, were you? Stay the course and stay sober. It's too hard to climb back out!

Hi Shelly - Your situation sounds a lot like mine. I'm single, no kids, and mom lives with me, mild dementia, confined to a wheelchair, etc. I HEAR you concerning resentment, anger, etc. She's been with me 1.5 years now, but before that she lived by herself which in many respects was even harder on me because she was able to get around enough to make my life a living H*ll, cause I still had to do her finances, shopping, driving, etc. plus keep her in line. Lots of arguments, locking me out of the house, going behind my back with stuff, etc. It's easier on me now that she is immobile and in MY house, not hers with me running back and forth all the time. So basically, she's been my charge in some form or fashion for at least 5 years now. There are many reasons I've decided not to put mom in a home - it's the correct decision for us, but that doesn't mean it isn't without it's problems, inconveniences, anger, resentments, (my wanting to hang myself in the shower on occasion), etc., I know it's difficult for mom at times too, but she's a real trooper.

You said you're in recovery, but you didn't say whether you are in Alcoholics Anonymous, or Narcotics Anonymous, or in any other type of recovery program, and/or are receiving counseling/therapy for addiction. I'm a recovering alcoholic w/31 years of sobriety. I am a member of Alcoholics Anonymous and I owe my very life to AA and also a very special Certified Alcoholism Counselor who for many years was there for me through thick and thin. I tell you my years sober, not to brag (because just as every other recovering person, I'm only one drink away from my next drunk), but to let you know that because I have a few 24's I have the benefit of hindsight spanning quite a few years; also, I have a lot of years of seeing - sobriety wise among other things - what has worked for me, along with unfortunately seeing others stumble and fall and sometimes get back up again, and sometimes not and have (hopefully) been able to learn from their successes and failures where booze is concerned.

Anyway, although I haven't really felt like drinking during my little adventure w/mom, there have been many times I've desperately, desperately, wanted the pain, boredom, crap, lack of privacy, lack of initiative, being on someone else's schedule, cleaning up someone else's poop, having to talk, wake up, smile, on someone else's schedule, AND when I didn't feel like it, etc., etc. There's a ton more stuff as you know. No, thank God I never felt like drinking, BUT I DID and sometimes still do have a gripping fear that somehow I won't make it through this care taking ordeal without ending up drunk. That like it will somehow just happen because there is SO much here I just want to escape from, have end AND NOW, be done with, go away, etc. It's crazy, no I don't want to drink, but I get afraid that it may be impossible NOT to at some point. It's an awful feeling and down right crazy when you figure that I am SOBER and being so, I HAVE a choice NOT to drink (and YOU have a choice too). But fear is a weird thing, and alcoholism/drug addiction are totally insidious and just waiting for us to screw up. So...this is where MY program (AA) comes in and the 'tricks' and strategies I've learned over the years to help me cope and stay in the moment (or not, depending) and do what needs to be done to just help me make it thru one more day, one more crappy situation, knowing that I CAN and WILL make it through this difficult time SOBER and kinda sane too if I still CHOOSE to do so. It's a choice.

With that said, I'll tell you something that I know in my gut pertains to me, and (I believe) to every other person trying to stay sober and that is: THE MOST IMPORTANT THING IN YOUR LIFE RIGHT NOW AND ALWAYS IS YOUR SOBRIETY. PERIOD. There is NOTHING more important, EVER, and there never will be. I don't know if you know that or not, and if you do know it, I don't know if you have it in your gut, but it is the truth, and for me it's the very basis of my sobriety. That gut knowledge puts every other thing that is in my life - good or bad, easy or difficult - right in to perspective, pronto. It puts me back on the right track concerning guarding/taking care of my precious, precious sobriety. It is FIRST, even ahead of my care giving duties/responsibilities.

That means for you that your parents, and your care taking them, and every thing associated with your situation - animals, siblings, whatever - is secondary to your getting and staying sober. It means that you have to do what ever you need to, up front, putting YOUR sobriety first.

So I'd like to suggest that if you aren't in AA/NA you join/return to meetings- even if just ONE a week is all you can manage; there are also online meetings (I believe); also you can call AA Intergroup in your area and get the name of a WOMAN/WOMEN (not a man cause skirts and trousers don't mix), who has some time behind them and can talk on the phone when you need to talk; get a sponsor if you don't have one; if you don't have a higher power please go about getting one; read any AA/NA literature you may have and if not, I'm sure you can find it online - the Alcoholics Anonymous Big Book is great as are the Twelve Steps. Do you have a sobriety counselor? Call him or her and be HONEST about what you're going through and your feelings about using...talk...talk...talk...share! If some of the care you give your elders slips a bit because of your working your program...that's unfortunate but more than likely not life threatening for them. But it will be life threatening for you if you don't do what you need to do to maintain your sobriety; and ultimately it will more than likely have a very negative impact on your dear elders whom you're trying to help.

Anyway, I hope my rattling on has helped you. I truly believe that if I can stay sober that ANYONE can stay sober. Truly! It CAN be done and you CAN do it! The AA program was designed for people like us and it DOES work if you work it.

This care giving gig is hard, but the one person you must care give first and foremost is yourself! YOUR SOBRIETY.

Lastly, there's a line I've used on myself over the years which is SO true and has always worked for me! It is: Nothing is worth drinking over, nothing, but hey, go ahead, if you think things are bad now? Just take a drink and you'll see how bad things can REALLY GET! That usually snaps me out of it. (Hey, everything is worse drunk!)

Shelly, Hang IN there and please keep us posted! HUGS!!!!!
Noor