Would you postpone active online dating because you're waiting for your mom to die? - AgingCare.com

Would you postpone active online dating because you're waiting for your mom to die?

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12 years of childcaring, single solo mom here. 19 years of caring for my mom with Alzheimer's Vascular Dementia. She's 80, I'm 40, my daughter 12. I'm an only child, lost job in June 2012, struggling to make ends meet. I don't live in USA so I don't get those benefits mentioned on this website. Let's just be frank that I hope to find a mate to help balance things out especially with regards to finances & share of mundane chores in life. Plus it's nice to get a helping hand which having a healthy husband could give me, and nice for my daughter to have a dad to call her own.

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I would persue a relationship on -line but be very careful-you would want someone who lives close-online did not work for me -met lots of frogs and then I reconnected with a classmate when his wife died-I called to say that I was sorry and after a few weeks we went out for coffee and now we are in a good relationship and having a good person in your life makes life so much easier-even if you are a caregiver having a special person who really cares for you is so important and it is worth going for-just take any relationship slow in the beginning and look for red flags.
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I waited, not for my parent to die, but for my child to grow up. Her father and I divorced when she was one. He was having an affair with a woman at work and she wanted to see divorce papers before she would sleep with him!!! Yipee!!

Anyway, I waited to date because I had wanted this child so desperately that I did not want to push her to the side for a man. I was afraid she would "get lost" while I was looking for a man, so I put her first. I love her to know end and she is now 21 and I am now wishing I had not waited. The older you get the more difficult it becomes. It is harder to find men and lets face it we get to looking older as well among other things and it is just not as easy as it would have been 20 years ago.

Now however I am the sole 24/7 caregiver for my Mom and I am wishing to God I had a boyfriend just to have someone to turn to for comfort, a hug, a get away, dinner, just someone to love. I am now 60 and I am fairly sure I will never meet anyone at this age. I makes me feel so sad to be here in this place knowing that I will probably be alone til the day I die. I do not know how a man would react to dating someone with a parent they care for. I think he would have to be very special to step into this situation.

I am going to say, be very careful, do not mention your daughter, yet, be very very careful, but do not do what I did and wait for 20 years.... Find love when you can and hopefully you will run into that special man. You never mentioned love, you only mentioned financial help, I hope you find love.
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I and a gal pal both had the same experience with on-line dating. Relationship scams. The first red-fflag- they want to get you off site into a live chat- no going slow for these guys! Then, before you have had any real meaningful convos, or gathered info, they give you a story making themselves seem like the cath of a lifetime. All of a sudden, they are travelling to an exotic country- Ghana, africa, somewhere similar. Suddenly one of any number of emergencies come up. They are in dire trouble. Even a fake doctor may call to say if the bill is not paid, they won't get treated- the luggage is lost, the business deal is almost complete, but they were robbed, can't get the hotel paid, money is in an account they froze before leaving the country . That's just a few scenarios. But it always smells the same, I'm not going to waste my time or expose myself to a criminal again.
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If the right person comes along you can have a relationship while cargiving and the right man would be helpful and help to balance out your life.
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I have to disagree tina maria.Why do I or any middle aged person for that fact have to put our lives on hold to care for someone all the time.We all need someone to love and care for us as well while we do the caring.A burned out Caregiver
is of no use to anyone and just breeds resentment.
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Naheaton made a good point I would question the motive of a potential mate for financial support ! I, question as well, the statement in the question "waiting for mom to die" WOW!
In situations where we are the one and only, no mate, nobody to help, etc.....you have to focus on one thing. I could care less I have no man in my life right now. Its for a reason. I am focused on my current situation which is my mom's health and needs. Trying to figure out what to do. Financially and with 24/7 help for her. I cannot focus on the fact that at 47, I do not have a husband or mate or anyone to help me with the task I am presented with and the finances involved. I am presented with a family issue that is serious. A relationship would be very hard to start with anyone when you have baggage. Tend to your family needs as you would want yourself tended to in the same situation then when its time, you will meet someone as a mate. Focus on what you would want if you were in your mothers situation.....and let fate happen for you when its time to meet someone that is right for you. You could end up in a bad relationship because of the need for financial support. Bad relationships are not fun. Been there done that with abuse. Best of luck with mom and you.
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oh ((((((frannie)))) I am glad you have done this. I could write a book (under an assumed name, of course) of all the characters I met, and things I dealt with during on line dating. I shared details with one girlfriend, and we had lots of fun and also she gave me feedback (reality checks sometimes) which was helpful. . Glad uncle is enjoying your stories. I think the weirdos tend to come out first looking for someone fresh. I was reading about relationships this morning - stuff written by a young man called Christian Carter - you may want to google him. Some of his titles are a bit "up front" but he makes some good points, and one of them is to decide the main qualities you want in a man, and, what you don't want. Some things deserve a big black X and then strike that person off the list of possibilities. He talks about how a guy thinks compared to how a gal does. I also liked Steve Harvey's book too - "Act Like A Lady Think Like A Man: What Men Really Think About Love, Relationships, Intimacy, and Commitment". (He has been married 3 times, but I still got something out of his book). You have to do a lot of screening, and in the process you can gain skills in communicating with guys, understanding yourself, and improving your self esteem. I had messaged with guys of all ages who I had no intention of ever seeing, but I found something interesting about them. That may not work for everyone.
One warning - there are networks of guys who prey on women to get money, and they do this by trying to engage you emotionally. Check it out on the internet -google "dangers of online dating" or something like that. They want you to webcam, but never are able to webcam themselves. That is a huge red flag as is anyone who tries to rush you into anything. Some are very skilled at getting women's emotions aroused. After a while I came to recognize them. They can become quite nasty once you show that you know who they are.

If you want any reality checks, I am here! I think i saw it all! ;) It took many months before I found Gary, and he had been on over a year with no success. Good luck!
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Joined three different online dating services ans so far the quality of men on that site are a definite"turn off".I have had to block three weirdos so far.But I have to admit it is a bit fun checking my email each day.Even my uncle finds some of these stories funny.
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Frannie beware of egar guys I had bad experiences with a guy -I told my son either he was too good to be true or full of shit-he was both too good to be true and full of it. A decent guy will not pressure you to give your phone-he will understand you being careful-just stick with the site to give messages until you meet him in a public place and when I leave the place I do not go straight home-after you meet him in a public place you will get a gut feeling about him-listen to your gut feeling. I know how it is to be lonely and want to meet your soulmate.
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This is great! I love it that you all are open to the idea of seeking companionship. I wish love and happiness to you all, but do be careful, operate on your own terms with your security blanket in tack. lol Have fun but be cautious.
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