Is there such a thing as post traumatic stress syndrome for caregivers?

I am the original poster and I deeply and truly thank all of you for your responses. I'm annoyed at this site in that I can't respond to individual posts. If I can, it's not obvious, so please instruct me if I'm wrong. I also got an email saying I had 14 new answers but only 2 links and I know I posted more than once the last time I was on here. Oi.

I'm reluctant to point out any specific post because all have been helpful but I must especially agree with "sallie" who said, "Stress in real life creeps into our dreams." I am under a lot of stress. I often have vivid dreams, to the point of not remembering if I said something in real life or in my dreams. This was just so horrible, especially the part of seeing my mom trying to find me, FALLING, and then me yelling at her. The dream was so vivid I could actually draw a map and timeline of what happened. I was so freaked out even hours later, that I cancelled plans to do something fun. The whole dream was just odd and surprising even for me, but then her "death anniversary" is coming up so maybe that had something to do with it.

She had the "rudeness" to die the Sunday before Thanksgiving. If I were God, I'd ensure no one died between early November and late January because it just totally messes all the survivors up. It's never a good time, but that is whacked. I've been deeply humbled by so many of your posts, I'm almost too embarrassed to say anything in general.

For the record- the only time I even fussed at my mom was after she'd had some mini-strokes. She loved Diet Coke in a special sort of glass with a bent straw and both my sis and I made sure it was on a table right next to her, esp since her meds gave her dry mouth. But the strokes somehow destroyed her peripheral vision (imagine a horse with blinders on) so she'd just look straight ahead and ask where it was. I did fuss at her to turn her head so she could see it, but not often. That's the kicker...usually I put it in her hand.

Anyway, just a dream. "Keep calm and carry on" as they say.

Wow. Thank you for sharing. Much more to think about. I must admit my past has brought me to be able to work with my client with ease for the most part. I'd worked as a councelor with drug and alcohol clients for years. Also with at risk youth, teenage sex offenders and autistic children. So having a background in behavioral health has been a plus. My client is of sound mind but extremely OCD. I've been here for almost 7 years now, really needed out of institution work. I have to admit that I sm tired. Think I am tire of the constant concern for him whether I am here or not. Think I just want the best for him no matter what. Really thought I would have been retired by now but my husband passed and so, life goes on. One thing I do for me still is play, play just as hard as I work. It kept me somewhat sane for all these years. Just like you have done here I share my feelings and thoughts. Somehow it takes the power out of some of the emotions. Thank you for sharing again.

My sweet daddy did NOT want to die during the holidays--for the very reasons you mention. HE was in hospice care, so receiving only liquid morphine as he could no longer swallow. My brother is an EMT, and ran a couple bags of IV saline to keep dad hydrated--even tho he really wasn't "supposed" to do that. Daddy died 45 minutes into the New Year. AS I do not look at New Year's day as being a true holiday, it was actually fine for all of us. I know he got to start a new life that day as I firmly believe that death is just the doorway to a better place.

during his stay in the ICU last August, my 83 year old father who is a gentle, quiet teddy bear of a man spoke to me in a way he never has before, not even when I was little. he was post op, on pain meds, had not slept and had several cracked ribs (which we didn't know until he was moved to another floor.) Tensions were high anyway since we had been told (incorrectly) that we should consider end of life preparation. I told the nurse and shared with my family. they put him on a low dose of (I hate to say this) antipsychotic meds which evened him out. the next day I believe he felt bad the next day but couldn't articulate why or what happened. This was scary for me and brought BACK a bit of PTSD that I already have (non family related.) it has not happened since and oh by the way - my dad is still with us and just about back to normal. so my long winded answer (sorry) is yes, i think it does exist. this is why self care is important. PTSD is nasty and can pop in many different ways. good luck to you.

Bellatrix, are you a Harry Potter fan by any chance? :: smile :: In any case, you've dealt with far more than I have. I'm sure there are tons of things you have positvely affected without knowing it. I don't have the luxury of seeking professional physical or mental help right now. I'm uninsured - not even with Obamacare. Oddly enough, psychology was my undergrad minor, but the courses I took never prepared me for this situation. I'm glad to hear you play as hard as you work! That's awesome. The odd thing is...when I was working, it was frowned upon to take any time off to address these issues or even get a flu shot. Now that I'm unemployed, there's no way I can.

Midkid58, I hear ya! The father (Pearl Harbor survivor) of a friend passed away on Christmas Eve a long time ago. How f***** up is that? I'm sure it wasn't his intention, but imagine what it feels like for her to hear "Merry Christmas." Oi. I'm sure that was a hard decision for your brother. That could not have been easy.

I'm glad your daddy's death anniversary doesn't seem to affect you. Just stay aware. My father died in June. We were not as close as I would have liked. His bday was in mid-December. I actually got a speeding ticket on his bday the same year after he died. I didn't even realize it until much later. In fact, I was so proud of myself for "handling" it. So here's a funny story...I was driving along doing errands and not in a rush to do anything. Then I saw the police lights in my rearview mirror and pulled over as soon as I could so the cop could catch the "bad guy." Needless to say, the bad guy was me! ACK!

Miasmom1, SO happy to hear your father is still with you! It's 11:30pm and I've had sleeping issues, so please bear with me. Plus, it's not uncommon for us to think faster than we can type. I'm not sure I understand your first sentence. Initially, I thought I could follow regarding what a quiet, teddy bear man he was. Got it. But then, you said, he spoke to you in a way he never had even when you were little. Are you saying he said bad things when you were little? I'm thinking "no," but I'd like to be clear on this.

I'm not sure if this pertains to you, but my mom always went "beyond nutty" when she was in the hospital. The things she thought she saw were beyond the belief of feasability for her to even imagine. For example, she was in the ICU ward and was completely convinced it was a brothel. It gets worse from there. We were told it was due to the added stress - and it didn't help when they kept moving her to different wards within the same hospital. So the medical professionals also put her on antipsychotic meds.

My family, also, had essentially a "Come to Jesus" meeting saying she would die immenently - and she didn't. Perhaps that would've been a blessing (figure of speech - after all this mess I am not religious).

It took 3+ years of sobbing for hours when I got home from work and self-medicating myself to get "over" her and my grandparents' deaths. It's been a long time now and I thought I was healthy and on an even keel, which is why that dream really freaked me out.

thanks hobbesmom! you are correct. I can't remember what we were talking about but he was in the ICU and he grabbed my arm (not super hard) and he said "shut your mouth or I'll shut it for you" or something like that. He has never spoken to me like that not even when I was little nor has he ever physically hurt me. I started to cry because I was so rattled and the nurse suggested I take a walk so both of us could cool off. I texted my family as to what happened and told them I needed to be replaced NOW. i think my sister came to relieve me. he is much better and is extremely pleasant and polite to the rehab staff as well as me and my family.

It was one year ago yesterday - 11/14/13 - that my dear 92 year old Dad died of late stage Alzheimer's disease. Although I'm glad he didn't pass on Thanksgiving Day, Christmas, or my early December birthday, if he had passed on any one of those days it would not have been the end of the world, or the end of future holidays for me. What is the 'end of the world' is that a really good man is no longer with us, and died of a crummy disease that took his brilliant mind and personality piece by piece - not that he 'wrecked' any particular holiday for me by dying when he did around some special days. Sorry if this sounds terse, but IMHO to think or feel otherwise, or to view someone's death in the context of how emotionally inconvenient it will make future holidays, etc. seems a bit self-centered and small, compared to the largeness of someone else's life and what the loss of that life means in the bigger picture. Besides, we all have the choice as to how we decide to move forward - we can decide whether or not will let our future special days be 'wrecked' for us, or whether we will do our best to enjoy the gift of life we still have left. I have a cousin who is constantly boo-hoo-hooing all over her FB page on the anniversary of every death she has ever experienced - from pet goldfish to dogs to friends to her (very) long gone parents - replete with postings of pictures of angels and sunsets, etc. I mean, really? Why? I know my Dad would never want one minute of my life wrecked or negatively impacted by his passing - especially if he had passed on a special day - and quite frankly with few exceptions I don't think that's what any of our dearly departed would want for or from us.

Noor75--
A hearty AMEN to what you said. I grew up with my mother morbidly dragging herself around all of December b/c her father had died right before Christmas. Being just a child, I loved him, and was upset by a very sudden and unexpected death--but now I see that mother making every "anniversary" of a death of someone becoming a day or month of mourning.....just not ok. My mother keeps saying "not a one of you will mourn me, you won't respect my things, nothing means anything to any of you" and I don't get what she's saying. Is it terrible that I don't have huge sentimental emotions about a dresser my grandmother had? Or a souvenir she and dad got from the Grand Canyon 70 years ago? I know my daddy wants us to live happy and full lives. I'm sure granddad wouldn't have wanted Mother to mourn for 50 years like she has.

@Noor75, you said, "Sorry if this sounds terse, but IMHO to think or feel otherwise, or to view someone's death in the context of how emotionally inconvenient it will make future holidays, etc. seems a bit self-centered and small, compared to the largeness of someone else's life and what the loss of that life means in the bigger picture. "

All I can say is we all have our different strengths and weaknesses. I get what you're saying. At the same time, please tread carefully. Just because it doesn't affect you in such a way, doesn't mean it doesn't affect others. I'm lucky although I don't feel that way. I had a friend whose father passed on Christmas Eve. She puts on a "good face," but you can't tell me it doesn't affect her unless you're smoking something I'm not.

I had to giggle a bit about the whole calendar of death days on top of the whole usual gamut of birthdays, etc.. My mom did that. I vowed I would never do that.

Still, HER death day still resonates very strongly with me in ways I know she wouldn't like as well as a few others who were very close to me. Ultimately, I focus on the best memories I have of them, but I'd be lying if I said their loss doesn't affect me.

In short, don't be a d*ckhead and all high and mighty. youtube/watch?v=SjnYRD2vm8E with given props to Smokey Robinson.

I'm no degreed professional, but my answer is irrovocably YES. I've only been caring for my Dad in his home for a little over one year, but the pressure has been enormous. I only get 4 hours of paid caregiver relief, but I can duck out to the gym in the morning & grocery shopping in the afternoon. I know I don't have it as bad as most, but what with not being able to go more than 5 miles from my Dad's house, my siblings criticizing & harping at me that "I have it good", isolation from my friend PLUS all the problems that crop up with my adult children, I still feel depressed a lot and feel like I'm getting dementia myself....

It is important to remember that there are stages of grieving. Some people get stopped at a certain stage and just can't get beyond that without professional help and may not even remain stuck. It is different for everyone.

I had to giggle at Noor's post too. Though I have to say those anniversary reactions are very real and can kind of sneak up on you. Mine have been close though imprecise maybe because I tend not to remember exact dates, and not as intense as the years go on. I get more flashbacks when someone else's loved one is declining than I do on "my" dates. And I've noticed, as much as I tend to overidentify with other people's experiences, no two stories are quite the same, and none are quite the same as mine!

It's generally a bad policy to tell other people how to grieve, or how MUCH to, but yeah, its possible to overdo, maybe out of ego tripping but maybe more often out of feeling disloyal to the person you lost if you don't remember to make a big deal out of their day. I think I'm going to go with Mother's Day, Father's Day, and All Souls Day for my folks to remember them specially.

I can't believe it - I always tell my son that I think I have PTSD, but then add, I don't think you can have it unless you have had a serious traumatic war experience. It just dawned on me the last 5 years have combined to be a series of traumatic experiences. Of course, not like war. Constant falling, constant hospital stays, trips to emergency room and countless doctors and constant negotiating to get parents with different levels of dementia to make good decisions. After 5 years of constant criticism and complaints, I am pretty numb to most outrageous demands. But the stress is awful and never-ending. It is difficult when your best is never good enough.

Yes I undoubtedly believe it does exist, I believe that is what I began suffering with in April of this year. There is only so much stress we can handle before something has to give.

I just read up a bit on what is being called "Complex PTSD" which is more about having the symptoms associated with PTSD, but it's due to the cumulative effects of stress and/or dysfunction. So, yes, I believe that caregiving falls into that category.

Ref anniversaries: I have ADD and could never remember my mum's and dad's anniversary or birthdays correctly (23rd Mar, 22nd May. 23rd Aug)... I always muddled them up, even at 48!
But I will never forget the day mum died.
I am glad it was not Christmas.
We are only human, and selfish or not, I am glad we do not have such a sad anniversary at Christmas.
Going to be hard enough having Christmas now without my mum sat chatting to me in my kitchen as we peel a small mountain of veg, and drink G&Ts. Was our special time, and I will miss it forever.
2 months on and still adjusting.

Yes. There is. I was just diagnosed with that. I also have a subconscious need to beat myself up about the care I gave Mom in my dreams. In the dreams I deny her going to church, wont get her moved out of the house she sold so she is there with the new owners, I could go on. Can't give any advice though as I was diagnosed yesterday.

Our Dad suddenly dropped dead on a Good Friday--which was very meaningful to him...only THAT year, it was also one sister's Birthday.
That made it hard.
But we all got some reassurance, that Dad couldn't have picked a better day than Good Friday, to check out, on his terms.
Sis has been dealing with it better than Mum...who felt terrible, and still does.
None of us can forget that day.

One sis got married on Valentines Day--people do things like that, to make it easier to remember--which is kinda a neat idea.

We can choose to frame the memories in a good light, or a sad light.
It's up to us to choose which.

But some folks can't make that choice---they have strange chemistry in them, which makes sad memories traumatic for decades.
The chemical feed-back loops just refuse to moderate.
Some respond to guided meditations, psychotherapy, and some to medications...but those suffering their losses repeatedly for many years or decades, need help breaking that cycle.
As more is learned about how to optimally handle PTSD, this similar cycling of sad/negative events, can also be helped.

I can only guess at this...old folks seem to die at the end of summer or around the mid-November- through mid-January = holiday season. I don't know why. I think, or would LIKE to think they don't mean to die during the holiday season because even they know it dorks things up for eons. Is it their way of ensuring they'd be remembered?

Again, I must thank all of you for your responses. @coolieslady13, hang in there.

Chimonger, every year that passes I like to think it gets better, but it doesn't really. Maybe it does, but it's so slight I don't even notice. The kicker is that I know my mom would hate that. She was a very happy and joyous woman despite all her infirmities over the years. Her poor body just gave out right before Thanksgiving.

Thank you, again, for your response. It means a lot.

In my experience, I seem to go "nutty" the week or two before the holiday. On the actual holiday, I'm fine. I feel bad for the people who love me and are friends of mine because they have to deal with those 2 weeks or so. I wish there was a "Cave of Sadness" or some sort where I could just disappear for a while, but they don't because they care about me and are cognizant of what's going on...but, really, it would be best if I was alone for a while. I end up snapping at them or hurting them in some way which is never my intention. :(

Grief has an odd way of rearing its ugly head. My father died in June but his bday was mid-December. On his bday, I was driving along with my daughter in tow. Shopping/doing errands/getting ready for the holiday and I was so pleased with myself for "handling" it well. He was a difficult man and became more difficult closer to his death. So, here I was being so proud of myself (this was before my mom died) and then I saw a State Police officer behind me with his lights and siren on. I pulled over to let him pass so he could catch the "bad guy." Guess what? I was the bad guy! Ha! Again, I wasn't in a rush to get anything done but it turns up I was going almost 20mph over the speed limit. I truly was shocked when he gave me the ticket. I chalked it up to all the times I sped and got away with it but it did rather drive home the idea that my sub-conscious was elsewhere. I don't know. Some could say that was a coincidence but I've only gotten a couple of speeding tickets in my life. This is not meant to be a post about him, in some ghostly way, remembering him. It's more about the fact that I thought I was handling the fact he had passed - and clearly I had not.

On a good note, I don't cry when I go to the grocery store anymore. :: sheepish smile :: I would do my shopping and here and there stumble upon either things that my mom or my grandfather would've liked and have a quiet meltdown. I did my best to pretend something was in my eye when checking out. Sadly, that was an epic fail. I look like Uncle Fester when I cry - there's no hiding it.

yes

I have dreams similar to this but it is always other people around us who fail to help such as nursing home staff or administrators, or anyone in the background of the dream. This comes from my experiences of people failing my Mom when she was in rehab for what started as a broken arm but developed a stage 4 bedsore in the first "5 Star" rated nursing home, had a hospitalization for UTI and delirium and then into a different "5 Star" nursing home where an aide let her slide to the floor while transferring her to her wheelchair, and she suffered a broken ankle. I feel traumatized and now have trust issues because of these failings. I am now taking care of her and she is bed ridden and at home with me with a visiting nurse and a physical therapist who is working to get her to stand and turn with assistance.
I often wonder after all this system failure and the very difficult issues Mom has, what will happen to my mental state when I am off this autopilot of taking care of her and finances, appointments etc. I believe these dreams are showing us what we fear, but at the same time dreams serve to cleanse the mind and show us our fears so that we can be aware of our feelings. Whenever I have a bad dream similar to this I try to busy myself the next day to "shake off" any bad feelings. I do worry about the trust issues I am developing because of all the loser nursing home and PT people that that I have encountered in the last 7 months. These physical therapists tell you she will walk again yet then when that doesn't happen at the end of the rehab stint they give you the robotic fish eyed response she will need 24/7 care or longterm care, of course hoping you will stick them into their facility for massive amounts of money. PTS....I think it is already happening with my trust issues....

All I can offer is learn from your experiences Katie and watch out for these things in the future. You can not prevent poor care and accidents but you can look under the bedclothes and question Mom. If she is reliable about events and tells you she has not had a bath for five days then talk to the staff and demand to see the bath book. Not to say it is reliable but it will let staff know they are being watched and mistakes may bring legal action. As I have said many times you have to look out for yourself in the healthcare field these days or in this case for your mother. You have more power than you think just don't start unecessary fights. Visit at different times. Walk slowly past other rooms and keep your ears and eyes open. stop and have a friendly word with other visiters. Check out the bathrooms both mom's and the visitors even if you don't need to use it. Go at meal times even share a meal if available. Think Sunday night salad. A small bowl of chopped beets in vinager with a dressing of tiny black flies or another Sunday, carrot salad with raisins, which turned out to be a small bowl of dry shredded carrot. These were my experiences on a med/surg floor so when offered rehab after my stay I quickly refused

They are so quick to throw seniors into rehab here, probably to get the nursing homes more business, but then they fail to care for the people. The thing they do succeed at is grabbing at more money from medicare or the patient and their families and creating anxiety about what is going on in there. I am really soured on nursing homes after this experience. I think it is better to have a physical therapist come into the home if possible to teach some beneficial exercises.

I am glad I found this thread and know that I am not alone. It is the constant worry,about finances, her falling, MD appointments,guilt because of things I know that I realistically have no control over, can't make her younger,can't cure osteoarthritis, afraid I won't hear her fall at night because I have my cpap on and had to take an Ativan because of the worry,constant guilt. Yesterday she starts about how she is lonely,she lives in the house with my husband and me.I have had to limit contact with her the last 10 days because I had a cold because of her but that is another story. However,I have to remind myself that when I was a kid at home, the only child, she couldn't be bothered to simply play with me,even for 30 minutes,she just couldn't be bothered, would rather read a magazine.Yet I know jump at noises because I immediately think she fell,I have awakened at night because I thought I heard her yell, will get up just to reassure myself that nothing happened.I feel "on duty" 24/7,the shift never ends. I really believe this is an unstudied area of human behavior, the PTSD that results from caregiving of an elder whether they live in the house with you or not.I would worry more if she were in a NH, at least with my situation I can keep and "eye" on her. Even so , I constantly worry I might miss some physical change that if I had just been smarter or a better person I could have jumped on and "saved" the day. It was put to me by a therapist that I am "only one person" and that did help, I just have to remind myself of that constantly,also it helped yesterday when I wrote down on paper all the MD appointments I had taken her to over the last 12 months, 45 TIMES, so it isn't like I have her locked in a room with no medical care.Was pointed out to me that 45x's wasn't all that bad in comparison to someone that was having chemo and radiation treatments,Oh God!Just one day at a time.